Complicated Relationship Resolution

[LilithD]

I am currently one of the managers of a deli. One of my friends is an otherwise competent yet younger female employee who has experienced a very troubled past involving alcohol, an estranged father, and abusive boyfriends.

 

Due to a very painful loss in our family, my husband withdrew into a state of depression that worried me. So I suggested we start inviting my friends and co-workers over for various kinds of social functions from cookouts and parties for families, to events involving more adult interests.

 

After my husband reluctantly agreed to this idea, we opened our beautifully landscaped private sanctuary and home to numerous guests over the past year.

 

All has gone exceptionally well during these private events until I introduced my troubled friend to my rather naive husband. And something that gradually became more disturbing over the next several months clicked between them.

 

Instead of continuing to improve, my husband's disposition changed. He began to display the symptoms of someone who has fallen in love but without even knowing it until a conversation about my friend made me realize it was her he had unintentionally fallen for. And he confirmed he had developed protective feelings for her, yet he found it difficult to admit it was more than that, but I was already sobbing and asked him if he intended to leave me for her, which seemed to shock him into consoling me with the assurance he had no such intentions.

 

So we decided to work through this emotional mess together without dumping my friend who was also acting even stranger than was normal for her. I must add that I was also afraid if I threw a temper tantrum and pushed her away at this point, it might have caused me to lose them both to each other.

 

We still continue to get together with her and other friends. And even though there is still a discernable amount of emotional tension between them, I think we've succeeded in overcoming this dilemma for the most part.

 

Do you think I'm handling this matter wisely?

[d0nnivain]

I'd disconnect. You can still see her outside of the presence of your husband but I'd work very hard to keep them apart.

[preraph]

I'd not invite her. You didn't say if your husband also works at the deli. If so, you can't keep them from seeing each other, but you might minimize the chances by changing her schedule to a time he'd normally not want to be there. You can't be mean to her or your husband will likely take her side at this point since he's feeling "protective." But it might come to firing her if she has the cheek to flirt with your husband. But you certainly don't need to invite her to parties, etc. or even have parties, etc. and avoid it altogether.

 

This might be the perfect time to publish some rules about sexual harassment and flirting at work or dating at work.

[LilithD]

I'd not invite her. You didn't say if your husband also works at the deli. If so, you can't keep them from seeing each other, but you might minimize the chances by changing her schedule to a time he'd normally not want to be there. You can't be mean to her or your husband will likely take her side at this point since he's feeling "protective." But it might come to firing her if she has the cheek to flirt with your husband. But you certainly don't need to invite her to parties, etc. or even have parties, etc. and avoid it altogether.

 

This might be the perfect time to publish some rules about sexual harassment and flirting at work or dating at work.

 

No. My husband is not employed by the deli. But he does join me for lunch when possible. And he is well-liked by everyone there, because he treats me like a queen.

 

Yes, my husband does feel protective towards women, children, and animals, especially when they are experiencing problems. He just happened to get too close to the fire with this very troubled woman, and suffered the emotional consequences of doing so. But neither of them are bad people. She is mainly self-destructive. And he just wants her to find happiness as we have.

[FMW]

How do you feel when you around them together? I imagine anxious and insecure and just not very happy. You don't owe the sacrifice of your feelings and emotional well-being to help this woman or make your husband feel ok about becoming attached to her.

 

I imagine you're trying to be the strong, reasonable one and just deal with it. I've been in a situation like that. But it slowly kind of ate away at me. I'm afraid you might find the same in your situation.

 

So bottom line, I think you're all playing with fire and will probably get burned. She shouldn't be part of your get-togethers.

[Art_Critic]

As hard as it may be I think distance is in order, if feelings like that were allowed to form they still exist and all they need is oxygen for those flames to be fanned.

 

Your marriage is the most important relationship and investment in your lives, while this side step will make you stronger it will only make you stronger together as a unit instead of the three of you.

 

Why risk the most important and many times fragile thing in your lives? time to protect your investment now rather than go riskier.

[preraph]

your response to me minimized the situation, but you came here because you're worried about it. Look, the way you can tell a man really cares is they are protective, so this is not anything you should ignore. Try to keep him from coming into the deli when she's there. Why not put her on a shift where she won't be there when he comes for lunch? Don't just stand idly by letting this develop. In my experience, the more problems a woman has that make people feel sorry for her, the more some of them use that for not the greatest purposes. Just change her schedule.

[LilithD]

I work long hours to make sure business is properly conducted. I am very tired right now. I would like to respond to your considerate messages, but I'm totally exhausted. But I promise I will get back with you when I'm able to think clearly.

 

But I must inform you that my husband is the best part of my life. And I will fight to keep him by my side. But I can't force him to stay with me. Getting all upset and jealous will not change anything should he decide to leave me.

[LilithD]

How do you feel when you around them together? I imagine anxious and insecure and just not very happy. You don't owe the sacrifice of your feelings and emotional well-being to help this woman or make your husband feel ok about becoming attached to her.

 

I imagine you're trying to be the strong, reasonable one and just deal with it. I've been in a situation like that. But it slowly kind of ate away at me. I'm afraid you might find the same in your situation.

 

So bottom line, I think you're all playing with fire and will probably get burned. She shouldn't be part of your get-togethers.

 

I used to get anxious when they were in the same room. But now I don't. He is learning who she really is. Not that she is a bad person. Just not who he thought she was when he first met her a year ago. She hurt him in a way she will probably never understand.

 

I know my husband loves me very much. And he wouldn't hurt me intentionally. And yes, I am a very strong woman who has endured a lot of emotional pain and abuse in the past by other men.

 

Right now we're just taking it slow. Hopefully, the tension that remains will resolve itself.

[Art_Critic]

And yes, I am a very strong woman who has endured a lot of emotional pain and abuse in the past by other men.

 

Do you think you are taking some of his abuse towards you, yes.. it is abusive IMO for him to openly hurt you with her presence... because of your past ?

In other words.. are you feeling like this is your fault and or cutting him slack because you think what he is doing is okay ? or do you think he is taking advantage of your emotions in order to continue what he is doing with her ?

[Art_Critic]

and why do you think you should endure more pain from this ?

Love ?? Fear ??

[preraph]

So you are too tolerant and that's one reason why you are drawing untrustworthy people like a magnet and getting hurt. You need to have boundaries. An employee chasing your man is crossing a BIG boundary. You need to put a stop to it.

[LilithD]

Do you think you are taking some of his abuse towards you, yes.. it is abusive IMO for him to openly hurt you with her presence... because of your past ?

In other words.. are you feeling like this is your fault and or cutting him slack because you think what he is doing is okay ? or do you think he is taking advantage of your emotions in order to continue what he is doing with her ?

 

 

That is why this dilemma is so complicated. I've been depressed, hurt, and confused by what has transpired between my friend and my husband. But I realize if they want to run off together, there isn't anything rational I can do to prevent it.

 

I don't think my husband is guilty of anything other than developing very tender feelings for my friend. His heart ran the full gamit of emotions for her during this troubling period. And I strongly suspect she was troubled by her own feelings for him as well. But they rarely expressed these feelings physically, and then in an affectionate manner that couples can be seen doing in public.

 

Eventually, this unrequited emotional tension caused them to almost angrily resent each other. Everyone could sense the smoldering animosity between them. It has NOT been a pleasant experience for anyone. In fact, they each have undergone therapy, and have taken psychiatric meds for depression as well as anxiety because of it.

 

Last Spring, my hubby and I invited my friend out for drinks and dinner. I made it a point to go powder my nose so they could converse alone with each other. Apparently, they managed to reach an agreement to treat each other better in the future, which has proven to be working, so far. But the intensity of their feelings still peak at times.

 

Suppressing problems such as this, running from them, and denying they exist is not conducive to an acceptable solution. I want to keep my friendship with her, and my marriage to a very kind-hearted man intact.

[FMW]

The fact that you're posting here shows that you can't though.

 

I too am also too tolerant as preraph pointed out about how you're handling this. The problem with that is not only that you let people get by with too much but that the resentment will build up inside you from accepting behavior that hurts you. If not dealt with that resentment will eventually destroy the relationship anyway. I've been there.

 

I don't see a way to keep both relationships. If you don't choose one (your marriage) you might just lose both.

[fredflint]

This whole thread seems very weird to me. I mean I believe you OP, but I can't help but wonder whether they had a full blown affair. They seem to be acting like MM and OW. In your shoes I'd be wondering if I should try to dig a little deeper. You might want to buy a self-help textbook about recovering from an affair, because whether they've been physical or not, it really is a kind of affair.

[LilithD]

The fact that you're posting here shows that you can't though.

 

I too am also too tolerant as preraph pointed out about how you're handling this. The problem with that is not only that you let people get by with too much but that the resentment will build up inside you from accepting behavior that hurts you. If not dealt with that resentment will eventually destroy the relationship anyway. I've been there.

 

I don't see a way to keep both relationships. If you don't choose one (your marriage) you might just lose both.

 

"Too tolerant"? As opposed to what?

 

We can't actually control the thoughts, emotions, and actions of others. And I really don't want to do that. A marriage and friendship are both based on trust and respect. Without these key ingredients, we have nothing left but stress and unhappiness.

 

I do resent the feelings they have for each other to a certain extent. But not excessively so, because they are both suffering to restrain them.

[LilithD]

This whole thread seems very weird to me. I mean I believe you OP, but I can't help but wonder whether they had a full blown affair. They seem to be acting like MM and OW. In your shoes I'd be wondering if I should try to dig a little deeper. You might want to buy a self-help textbook about recovering from an affair, because whether they've been physical or not, it really is a kind of affair.

 

No. Believe me when I tell you I know my husband much better than that. He could never look me in the eyes and evasively lie with any success at all about an illicit affair. He's too damned transparent, or I would never have become aware of his strong feelings for my friend in the first place.

 

I wish these emotions had never erupted between them. But they did, and still do exist. Our hearts often ache with unintended feelings that can cause us so much guilt, and pain because they're contrary to our better judgement. But our hearts do not come with an off switch.

[Garlend]

This whole thread seems very weird to me. I mean I believe you OP, but I can't help but wonder whether they had a full blown affair. They seem to be acting like MM and OW. In your shoes I'd be wondering if I should try to dig a little deeper. You might want to buy a self-help textbook about recovering from an affair, because whether they've been physical or not, it really is a kind of affair.

 

 

Okay. I really think it's time for me to step-in and elaborate a bit about what my little lady has tried her best to explain.

 

No sir. I can assure you, and everyone else who seem puzzled by what transpired, that the full range of disturbing feelings this very troubled young lady and I developed for each other since I became acquainted with her several years ago never led to the bedroom, even though it could have.

 

I became a father figure, friend, and lover that could never be to this vivacious former dancer. She is a mystery I never quite managed to solve. And I want her to find the fulfilling happiness that she needs so much to overcome her self-destructive conduct before her mother finds her with her pretty face buried in a pillow and an empty whiskey bottle laying beside her.

 

Something clicked between the two of us last year that I can't quite explain, because even I don't fully understand it. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe I'm providing enough positive influence in her life to keep her going until she finds that happiness that has so far eluded her.

 

The complexity of our relationship makes it difficult to describe accurately to others. But I think my wife managed to convey as much honesty in her posts as possible to explain what has occurred in our personal lives.

[Art_Critic]

But I think my wife managed to convey as much honesty in her posts as possible to explain what has occurred in our personal lives.

 

But has she conveyed to you the amount of hurt that your extramarital relationship has created for her or are you hearing about it for the first time on LS ?

 

If you saw this as something that wasn't right then why didn't you put a full stop to it and remove her from your lives rather than invite this into your marriage ?

 

I read the hurt in your wife's posts.. can you see it too ?

[Haydn]

Dress it up how you want mate.

 

Just a bit on the side.

 

Father figure?

 

Are you sure?

 

Ditch all this madness before you really screw up.

[FMW]

OP I assume you posted here for the same reason we all do, something was really bothering you. Maybe you just needed to vent and that's why you defended your husband and the situation against every post that was critical of what you described as happening.

 

The husband's response (I assume he's legitimately the OP's husband) just made me really queasy. I have first hand experience with infidelity, as a BW and as an OW to a MM. I feel physically ill after reading all of this, so I think that should tell you something.

 

The husband is clearly still deeply infatuated with this woman. The lack of actual sexual contact in no way minimizes the impact of this on the marriage. It's stunning to me that both OP and her husband so strenuously deny this is/was an affair.

[anika99]

That is why this dilemma is so complicated. I've been depressed, hurt, and confused by what has transpired between my friend and my husband. But I realize if they want to run off together, there isn't anything rational I can do to prevent it.

 

I don't think my husband is guilty of anything other than developing very tender feelings for my friend. His heart ran the full gamit of emotions for her during this troubling period. And I strongly suspect she was troubled by her own feelings for him as well. But they rarely expressed these feelings physically, and then in an affectionate manner that couples can be seen doing in public.

 

Eventually, this unrequited emotional tension caused them to almost angrily resent each other. Everyone could sense the smoldering animosity between them. It has NOT been a pleasant experience for anyone. In fact, they each have undergone therapy, and have taken psychiatric meds for depression as well as anxiety because of it.

 

Last Spring, my hubby and I invited my friend out for drinks and dinner. I made it a point to go powder my nose so they could converse alone with each other. Apparently, they managed to reach an agreement to treat each other better in the future, which has proven to be working, so far. But the intensity of their feelings still peak at times.

 

Suppressing problems such as this, running from them, and denying they exist is not conducive to an acceptable solution. I want to keep my friendship with her, and my marriage to a very kind-hearted man intact.

 

I'm late to this thread but OMG!! What you are describing above is a full blown emotional affair and you are letting it happen right under your nose. You may think you approaching this in a logical diplomatic way but I think you are handling this from a place of weakness and fear. You are afraid of losing your friend and more afraid of losing your husband so you have let this play out right in front of you while you refuse to dig deeper.

 

I know you think you know exactly what your husband is capable of doing or not doing because you know him so well. But you only know him in the context of being your faithful husband. People can change in some outrageous ways when a third party enters a marriage. Many a cheater has surprised even themselves with how much they were willing to compromise their morals and principles for the sake of their new love interest. That's why they end up in therapy.

 

You need to get pro-active and start demanding some respect. The role you are playing as sympathetic listener and facilitator to this affair is ridiculous and will not serve your best interests in the long run. You need to make your husbands business your business. By that I mean start digging. Check messages and emails those two have shared, look for a hidden phone, check bank statements and phone history. I bet you find out that a lot more has gone on then you think. These two didn't fall in love with each other to the point of needing therapy just during some friendly get togethers at your house. They were clearly in contact with each other away from watchful eyes.

 

Then this friend needs to go. Get her out of your life as she is your enemy, not your friend. No you can't control other people's thoughts and feelings but their feelings for each other will never end as long as they are in contact with each other. This whole situation is just feeding their tragic Romeo and Juliette love story. You can't control your husband or your "friend" but you can take control of your own life. I've read a saying that goes "you need to be willing to lose your marriage, in order to save it". To me that means that as long as a person is willing to accept the unacceptable out of fear of losing their partner, their relationship will never improve and will most likely continue to just get worse. However when you draw clear boundaries and become assertive about what you want and expect and you stay true to yourself even if it means losing the one you love, then and only then will your spouse sit up and take notice. Then they will realize that you are a person who deserves respect and compassion too, that your thought and feelings count too. If that doesn't happen then the marriage was crap anyways and you will be happier without it.

[anika99]

Okay. I really think it's time for me to step-in and elaborate a bit about what my little lady has tried her best to explain.

 

No sir. I can assure you, and everyone else who seem puzzled by what transpired, that the full range of disturbing feelings this very troubled young lady and I developed for each other since I became acquainted with her several years ago never led to the bedroom, even though it could have.

 

I became a father figure, friend, and lover that could never be to this vivacious former dancer. She is a mystery I never quite managed to solve. And I want her to find the fulfilling happiness that she needs so much to overcome her self-destructive conduct before her mother finds her with her pretty face buried in a pillow and an empty whiskey bottle laying beside her.

 

Something clicked between the two of us last year that I can't quite explain, because even I don't fully understand it. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe I'm providing enough positive influence in her life to keep her going until she finds that happiness that has so far eluded her.

 

The complexity of our relationship makes it difficult to describe accurately to others. But I think my wife managed to convey as much honesty in her posts as possible to explain what has occurred in our personal lives.

 

Oh geez, I just realized the husband is posting in this thread too. You sir, need to get this woman out of your life and respect your marriage and your wife. She is causing pain to your marriage. Stop this nonsense of trying to be casual friends with her. That ship sailed a long time ago. Your wife and marriage needs to be your first priority. It's ridiculous that you have gone to therapy and gone on meds to deal with this rather than just getting the woman out of your lives. It's like being a smoker and going to the doctor with a bad cough. Doctor says "stop smoking" but instead of getting rid of the smokes you just take medication for the cough, meanwhile the problems caused by smoking just continue to fester and get worse in secret because that's the actual root of the problem.

 

Your "friend" is the root of the pain in your marriage and she needs to be removed. You are not her saviour and as a matter of fact it seems that you have become just another unhealthy relationship for her as it sounds like she has also been in pain because of this situation. Your wife said the friend also had to go to therapy and take meds to cope with the situation. Good grief!! Who exactly has this friendship been good for? Every single on of you is unhappy yet you all insist on holding on. You are all hitting yourselves over the head with this hammer. It will feel so good when you stop.

[ElKay]

The husband doesn't sound like he's over her based on his post on this thread alone... I would worry about it OP and, I understand it might be hard to see your husband as doing something wrong, but he is overstepping his boundaries.

[Haydn]

Good advice from above, and above.

 

Mate, you are not her Knight.

 

Feel good for a bit, but this leads nowhere.

 

You`re wife is in a huge amount of pain.

 

Give it a break and do the right thing.

 

`Whisky bottle or no Whisky bottle.

 

Good luck, both of you.