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Neighbor's husband . . . Do I . . . who/what do I tell?


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I have lived next to the neighbors for almost 20 years. They are childhood sweethearts with 2 kids. The youngest just graduated from college. She's kind, open & gracious. She is literally the nicest person I met in a mean spirited judgmental neighborhood full of jealous women who hate / fear me. <gasp> I was a single, thin, well educated woman who moved into suburbia. He is a guy's guy: handy, hard working, not exactly chatty. The biggest difference is he still has the body of a 20 something but she gained about 100+ pounds.

 

Anyway . . . .

 

DH & I ran into him tonight. She'd gone home. He was in a particularly vulnerable state. DH talked to his buddy. I talked to him. He was telling me how disappointed & unfulfilled he felt. He didn't have enough money in the bank. He wasn't more respected in his job. It broke my heart.

 

He was NOT hitting on me & our conversation was NOT sexual. BUT the reason I'm posting here is that I can see he's vulnerable. To me it felt like the wrong woman could easily lure him into an affair. It's an "easy" fix if his wife knows it needs to be fixed.

 

My problem is I have some assumptions in here & I feel like he talked to me about his issues because he assumed I'd keep his confidence.

 

One of the things I said to him was he needed to change his perspective about the definition of success. I actually invited him to read his wife's social media through my account where she gushes about him & her GFs swoon with envy. He's not on social media. He seemed to perk up to learn that she was bragging about him.

 

For those of you playing along. . . my husband was 2 feet away from me during this conversation & his input is I should do whatever I feel is appropriate.

 

So do I stick my head in the sand or do I talk to his wife? If so what do I tell her?

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Do not talk to his wife... if anything talk to him again.

 

Just curious... had he been drinking?

 

Everybody had been drinking . . . him, me, my husband, his wife, his buddy . . . you.

 

Why not talk to his wife?

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Everybody had been drinking . . . him, me, my husband, his wife, his buddy . . . you.

 

Why not talk to his wife?

 

Because it's between the two of them - and approaching her may be seen as gossip.

 

BTW - I don't drink ?

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Veronica73

I have no idea.

 

What's your relationship like with the wife?

 

I have a hard time imagining how that conversation could go well, unless you are very good friends with her. And even then it would be very delicate.

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do not interfere which is what his wife would inevitably accuse you of, and some would partially see

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Are you sure his wife doesn't already know how he's feeling?

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No, don't talk to the wife. If you get the opportunity, with your husband present, talk to the husband again if you feel the need.

 

Yes, I'm sure he expected you to keep his confidence and would probably be mortified if you went to his wife.

 

Unless you are close friends with the wife (and not just a long time friendly neighbor) she might very well be offended by your "intrusion" in their marriage, regardless of how well meaning you are. She might see his talking to you as a betrayal and you might cause more problems between them.

 

You mentioned how good he still looks but that she's gained a ton of weight. Unless he specifically mentioned her weight as an issue for him you may be projecting your own values (having noted how you are thin, how the other women in the neighborhood were jealous) into the situation and that would probably come across if you talked to her and again, even if not specifically mentioned, and cause even more problems between them.

 

So again. Don't talk to the wife.

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Fleur de cactus

I don’t see what you should tell his wife anyway? That he is not respected at work? Or that he does not have enough money??? To me it sounds like a talk under alcohol influence. Don’t say anything.

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Yeah, I was also wondering how the husband’s fit body and the wife’s obese body fit into all this?

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No, I don't think you should talk to the wife. It will only aggravate the situation more. She will want to know why he went to somone else, instead of discussing the matter with her. Talk to him, (while sober). Help him to undertand that it is important that he let her know how he is feeling. :)

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You can't solve everyone's problems. I'd stay out of this before you become the bad one.

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amaysngrace

It's good you showed him all the positive things she has to say about him. I think you've done all that you need to do here.

 

PS are you attracted to him?

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MidwestUSA

So what you're really wanting to tell the wife is that her husband is ripe for an affair? Because I can't see, otherwise, why her weight, and his physical attributes, were mentioned.

 

It's sad he doesn't know about what she says on SM. Why is he not on it, or why does she not express those exact things to him? I find it a little creepy that you pulled it up and showed him. Sounds like they need to work on communication, but it's not your problem.

 

I'd stay out of it.

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Stay out of it, it's not your problem. Perhaps if opportunity arises, suggest he goes to therapy.

 

 

 

It is true, this is how the affairs start, one meets someone else, start sharing as friends and it develops from there. Whether or not he will have an affair is his problem. You try to keep your distance, it's best for everyone involved.

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Did he complain about his wife’s weight?

 

I’m not sure how this is an easy fix. I’ve been helping a good friend lose weight by exchanging our food logs and giving her feedback on her diet. She’s starting to see clear results after a few weeks, and she’s now “only” about 50lbs from the cutoff BMI of 25, but it’s an extremely daunting undertaking.

 

Anyway, if I were you, I wouldn’t let the convo go in the direction that it has gone, let alone talking to the wife about it.

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Really you did the perfect thing showing him the nice things his wife says about him on her social media. I hope that that gives him the courage to open up a discussion with her or to just feel better about himself. it just sounds like he feels like a bit of a failure and someone else does need to bolster him up, so you're right that he could be vulnerable.

 

But I would not talk to his wife. I really think what you did was the perfect thing and that unless either he or his wife actually comes to you wanting to involve you, that's enough. I mean you might keep looking at her social media and when you see him say something along those same lines like, oh, your wife said you were doing a fantastic job at blah blah on her social media.

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If someone is feeling really down, I'd be more concerned about suicide than them having an affair. To me, mental health is the ultimate issue - and if you do think he's at risk, then you need to talk to his wife. I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something bad happened and I'd said nothing.

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Lotsgoingon

You are trying to pre-rescue him and her ... which is impossible ... more impossible than rescuing someone.

 

Absolutely do not go there and talk to the wife. BTW: there's 90 percent chance the wife knows how he feels ... How can she not know how he feels? ... So you wouldn't be saying anything to the wife that she does not know. She's gonna listen to you and then do what? Hardest thing to do in our society is to lose weight ... and you don't even know HER side of the story.

 

You're not sticking your head in the sand. That's a wrong analogy. I wonder if you're a natural meddler and rescuer if you think that is the analogy.

 

You and your husband already did a MAJOR good deed in listening to your neighbor. Being listened to ... often gives people the strength to push past shame and resolve their own issues. That act of listening was your generous and constructive contribution to the couple's wellbeing.

 

Feel good about that.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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Dreamer2017

Dear d0nnivain,

 

I believe you are getting extremely close to the situation with your male neighbor. I would think your husband would be a better sounding board for him. You might be walking into a Hornet Nest if this continues. Affairs sometimes start as just friendly conversations between friends. You suggested sharing your Facebook with him which can become a daily activity. Just be careful not to ruin your own marriage by helping another.

 

Best,

Dreamer

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