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I caught feelings while flirting and it ruined everything


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LindseyKelk

Hi guys,

This post might be a little too long, so thank you to everyone who will be bothered to finish reading it all.

 

About two years ago, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. I was devastated when I discovered he was cheating on me all along, and that the whole relationship was basically a lie. Anyway, I pulled myself together and started to work on myself as best as I could. About half a year later, I attended this event with a bunch of people, including my own parents and other friends. There was also this one guy who I always kind of liked. He was the main organizer of the event, and I helped him with it.

 

He was always very nice to me, but I never paid attention to it because I was taken at the time. This time I started noticing small things, like how many times he would look at me, try to talk to me, smile at me and all that. I tried not to think too much of this, because I consider him to be quite a social guy, so I assumed he was being friendly with me. However, after the event was over, we started talking almost daily on facebook. We started meeting more often, thought always with the same group of people. He would find any reason to write to me.

 

I found the messages to be quite flirty. He complimented me A LOT. Nobody ever knew that we had this writing thing going on, we kept it secret. Here is why – I am currently 24 years old, and he is twice my age! That would not be such a problem, however he is friends with my parents and his own children are about the same age as I am (he is divorced) AND I know that my own mum had a “crush” on him for some time. So I kept it secret from everyone. I really enjoyed talking to him, though. I should add that we never had any inappropriate conversations, and I am not even sure he is the kind of person who would ever do that. We would talk a lot about music, mundane everyday things, the event, we would joke a lot all the time, and he would often tell me he thought I was beautiful, and smart, and such.

 

We had a few more events arranged together, each of them lasted a few days. I felt slightly uncomfortable, because I never really knew how to act, and I think neither did he. I suspected he liked me to an extent, but I would never think he would have any romantic feelings towards me – if we ever flirted, it was always in a „joking“ kind of way. But I noticed he looked at me a lot now, he would always ask me questions just so he could talk to me, around all the people we knew. When we were not in the same room, we would still send each other messages, he would tell me how nice I looked and how happy he was I was there.

 

We always had a blast, and we laughed so much throughout the few days. When we would come home, we would message again until we met again. It went like this for a couple months. Nothing ever happened between us. A few times we would have calls that lasted for hours, just talking about nothing late into the night. Once we went for coffee when I was in town. He started doing this weird thing, when he would give me some compliments, but always end them saying he could not tell me more. On one particular occasion I asked him why he could never tell me whatever it was that was on his mind and he in one weak moment said that it was because I was young and he was a friend. He never elaborated more on what he meant by this. On one occasion he said he would do anything to date me if he was in his 30s.

 

Then I said jokingly sure you are old but I still like you, and he said I like you too. Sometimes he would joke about being jealous when I said I was going to town. Lastly, there was this one time that particularly stood out in my mind. It was a Friday night, and both of us have been drinking (each with separate group of people, in different places). He would tell me some random compliment and I (again, party jokingly, because it was just what we used to do) said to not say that because I have troubles getting him out of my head sometimes.

 

At this point he freaked out and said I was doing a really stupid thing, because I am so young…. I was shocked, because I was never the one to initiate contact, or the one giving all the compliments. I really just played along the whole time and talked to him exactly the way he talked to me. This was also around the time we stopped meeting often, because all events were over for some time. We also started texting less, and if he would write after a few days I would make fun and say “oh so you are back again?” to which he would reply something like “I thought I was strong enough not to write, but I guess I was not”, which I also took as kind of a joke.

 

Then we stopped talking for a good while, until one night I got a message from him asking me to be his partner at this party of all us were going to. I laughed it off as a joke again, but stopped replying and went to sleep because I knew he had been drinking. I asked a friend of mine to accompany me to the party. This friend and I have been good friends for some time, so I thought it was safe. Then I got another message from him saying he heard I got 2 tickets and that he “was upset”. I thought to myself of course you are, and just ignored the remark. How could we go together when my parents were going too? There was no way it would not be strange, which is why I thought he was just joking. Well, he ended up not going at all.

 

Everybody asked me why me and this friend were not dating, or assumed we just were. Shorty after, we all met at a gathering and I took this friend of mine with me. He looked at him weird, and since then we really have not spoken almost at all, which was a few months ago.

 

We met again a few days ago and all the feelings I once I had for him resurfaced again. I just cannot stop thinking about him, and I miss the way we used to talk. We could have gone to a few events together, but it seems he is not really bothered about whether I go or not, because he always picks the dates I cant go. When we met, he ended up giving me some compliments and talking to me more than to other people again. But we have not texted or anything after that. I still don´t know whether anything he ever said was genuine, and I still cannot work out if he ever liked me or not. I don’t even know how to act around him.

 

I would be hurt if I discovered he did all that just for fun or whatever. But it seems to me the most probable, because I honestly cannot imagine him liking me in a romantic sense. And yet here I am, still thinking about him whenever I see him. It hurts because I always knew we could never be together, and I am sure he did too, but I cannot help it but still have feelings for him.

 

It is annoying and I just want it to be over. I would not be surprised if he moved on and thought of it as a mistake right now. I often hear about him from my parents, and other people, and there will be times soon when we will just have to meet and be around each other, and I do not want him to be distant, or whatever. What should I do? Could he like me and could this be the reason he acts this way, or does he just not care at all?

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Even tho he likes you, you both are at different stages of your lives. You are going to want to get married one day, have kids, and you may only get into a relationship for the short term...he's almost 50, saving for retirement, not going to want to raise children, and would probably want someone to settle down with that has the same mindset, maturity level, and things in common with his generation.

 

 

 

You are thinking in the moment, he is thinking long term investment. That is why he isn't going to get too involved with you.

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LindseyKelk

I completely understand that. As I said, I know there could never be anything between the two of us, but the hearts wants what it wants I guess. The thing is, I would never even think of him in this way had he not started flirting and complimenting me! That’s what angers me, that he made me believe he liked me and then made me feel completely stupid for it. So he knew this all along, but still decided to play this game you think? And then he got tired so stopped contacting me?

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This is what adults do...they flirt. Flirting doesn't always mean they want to date you. people do it for the pure enjoyment or to give everyone a boost. Sure he probably likes you, but maybe he realized you were getting way too interested and he backed off.

 

 

 

You have a crush, it's just part of life you know. I have had crushes, but I would never act on them. It's human nature. relax.

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I completely understand that. As I said, I know there could never be anything between the two of us, but the hearts wants what it wants I guess. The thing is, I would never even think of him in this way had he not started flirting and complimenting me! That’s what angers me, that he made me believe he liked me and then made me feel completely stupid for it. So he knew this all along, but still decided to play this game you think? And then he got tired so stopped contacting me?

 

Honey, in life many men are going to flirt with you if you are even remotely attractive. You aren't going to fall in love with every man that flirts and shows attention to you are you?

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LindseyKelk

Girls, it wasn’t like that. I, too, flirt with guys just for the fun of it and enjoy every second of it. But there’s a time and place for it. It seemed too much to me that he went out of his way to text me every day, even though he was somewhere with a group of people. It was strange to me that he would text me under the table if we were together and he wanted to tell me I looked nice. Sure, it was all flirting but I also felt like he was too reckless with it. If anybody found out, he would be screwed. I don’t know how it was worth it to him.

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From what you typed above, nothing can really come of this because it all has to be hidden from your parents.

 

He, on some level, knows that, so that's why he's not going to invest himself any more than he has. He flirted a little, turned your head and that's all he was there for; not making a life with you.

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LindseyKelk

All of you are right. :) The thing is, I knew that all along and it was the same to me. It started to bother me that there were times when he was like “I really wish I could tell you something but I can’t”.... so of course he got my attention. On one occasion he texted me “hey wanna go out with me?” and I was like lol that’ how you ask women? and he was like well I want to tell them I’m dating you, for the status so they don’t bother me. I was like jesus that’s corny :D but yeah, if anybody found out, it would be a problem.

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LindseyKelk

Well, I kind of suspected he could never genuinely like me and all of you have just confirmed what I thought all along. :) I am just going to try to avoid having to talk to him unless it’s really necessary. Thank you all.

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Versacehottie

Don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, he probably genuinely likes you. But at same time, he may be a realist and see that you are at different life stages and will always be and will want kids etc. And there is probably a side of him that enjoys the flirting but it reminds him that he is old(er). And a big one: he doesn't want to be the friend of your parents that is hitting on their daughter. I think he is trying to respect what he believes their wishes would be.

 

I think you should enjoy your life and flirt up a storm with various guys. In a way, you are still figuring it out--what you like and and having fun. When you end up with the right person after some fun & discovering yourself, you will be thankful that you didn't stay stuck on one guy who was in a different life stage. If you still feel the same & are not together with someone in 10 years, revisit the whole thing with him :)

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LindseyKelk

Haha, maybe a little. You could tell we are family. :D please don’t tell me he likes my mother which is why he talked to me, that’s really disturbing haha

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LindseyKelk
Don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, he probably genuinely likes you. But at same time, he may be a realist and see that you are at different life stages and will always be and will want kids etc. And there is probably a side of him that enjoys the flirting but it reminds him that he is old(er). And a big one: he doesn't want to be the friend of your parents that is hitting on their daughter. I think he is trying to respect what he believes their wishes would be.

 

I think you should enjoy your life and flirt up a storm with various guys. In a way, you are still figuring it out--what you like and and having fun. When you end up with the right person after some fun & discovering yourself, you will be thankful that you didn't stay stuck on one guy who was in a different life stage. If you still feel the same & are not together with someone in 10 years, revisit the whole thing with him :)

Thank you for this reply. I think people understood me wrong before. I am very aware of the differences we have and I never considered any kind of relationship with him. I believe he knows how inappropriate that would be. I also never gave him any reason to think I was interested, I think. I always treat him as any other person around me; I don’t stare at him; I never message him. I am real, and I know those things would never work out. I just happen to like him, which I find normal with how much we used to talk. My main question was whether he seemed genuine with liking me - not because I want to date him, but because I want to hear that I was not completely misreading the signs. So again, I am not looking for any relationship with him, I was just wondering whether what he did could be interpreted as having a romantic interest, even though the person knows it’s wrong.

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I'm having dark thoughts. Is it possible the reason you're interested in him is because your mother was? What if you two got permission to date and parents seemed to accept it and then one day he got drunk and hit on your mother or she hit on him? Just giving you some doomsday scenarios because I can't help thinking something bad would happen. Also, do NOT tell him your mother had a crush on him or she will NEVER forgive you.

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Speaking from the POV of an old dude, that guy REALLY likes you a lot. There is no way that he would pursue you, text/chat with you constantly, and say those kinds of things to you if he did not. He was looking for ways to contact you and get closer to you, including escorting him to the party. That is completely different than some guy that might compliment you if he happened to randomly bump into you. He couldn't tell you more because he couldn't say how much he was really into you.

 

Why not? Because you are half his age and his friends' daughter!!! He knows he can't go there. And yet he still carried on with you for a long time. There is no way a guy would 1) waste his time 2) risk his reputation by continuing an extended flirtation with his friends' daughter unless he really couldn't help it because he was seriously into you. Don't doubt that for a second, and don't play games with the poor old man.

 

Now, whether your mom is a factor is another question entirely.

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LindseyKelk
Speaking from the POV of an old dude, that guy REALLY likes you a lot. There is no way that he would pursue you, text/chat with you constantly, and say those kinds of things to you if he did not. He was looking for ways to contact you and get closer to you, including escorting him to the party. That is completely different than some guy that might compliment you if he happened to randomly bump into you. He couldn't tell you more because he couldn't say how much he was really into you.

 

Why not? Because you are half his age and his friends' daughter!!! He knows he can't go there. And yet he still carried on with you for a long time. There is no way a guy would 1) waste his time 2) risk his reputation by continuing an extended flirtation with his friends' daughter unless he really couldn't help it because he was seriously into you. Don't doubt that for a second, and don't play games with the poor old man.

 

Now, whether your mom is a factor is another question entirely.

Thank you so much for this.

 

Well, I think he used to like me. Now he hardly ever speaks to me. However when we meet he still talks to me more than to other people, which my mum already pointed out, too lol. I do want to talk to him, he is a lot of fun and I kind of miss the talking, even the cheesy compliments :)

 

I really doubted for the longest time that he might like me, but then in one conversation he told me “you know you’re my weak spot right?” and I was like..... no, I didn’t know that. I genuinely never believed a guy like him could develop feelings for me, and I still don’t think I fully believe it. Not like it matters, though.

 

I think at this point, he has seen me with the friend of mine so many times that he just won’t talk to me. I wonder if that’s the reason because he surely started contacting me less and less after he found out about him.

 

I did write to him about two times since then, just to tell him something silly. He only wrote to me for my birthday since then. Should I try to write to him? I really don’t want to lose that anything that was between us.

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Maybe he was looking for something more serious and he thought it might be awkward since he’s your parents’ age so that’s why he backed away?

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LindseyKelk
Maybe he was looking for something more serious and he thought it might be awkward since he’s your parents’ age so that’s why he backed away?

Hm, maybe. Maybe he really has just been playfully flirting with me for months. I understand flirting with someone, giving them subtle signals and such, but saying they want to date you and never want to lose you, and that they a weak spot for you AND expect people to still only see it as flirting and nothing else, is just.... well, weird to me. Who wouldn’t think the person is interested especially after going out of their way to say it?

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Versacehottie
Thank you for this reply. I think people understood me wrong before. I am very aware of the differences we have and I never considered any kind of relationship with him. I believe he knows how inappropriate that would be. I also never gave him any reason to think I was interested, I think. I always treat him as any other person around me; I don’t stare at him; I never message him. I am real, and I know those things would never work out. I just happen to like him, which I find normal with how much we used to talk. My main question was whether he seemed genuine with liking me - not because I want to date him, but because I want to hear that I was not completely misreading the signs. So again, I am not looking for any relationship with him, I was just wondering whether what he did could be interpreted as having a romantic interest, even though the person knows it’s wrong.

 

So you are being realistic...is it that hard to believe that he can like you and, just like you, be realistic and have a line in the sand that he won't cross? That sounds like what is going on to me. Someone has to show restraint. I think as the older person, with a lot more to lose (your parents' friendship) he is being responsible by not taking it further than he has. So you have your answer, yes he sounds interested. Be careful of playing with fire though. If you can't act on your feelings but continue to invest in them, it's human nature (for both of you) to want to see it play out/act on it. Then someone is bound to get hurt, friendship over. Not the same but often how most affairs start: people need to act on the flirtation they started wanting to see it play out. You already have a burning desire to figure out "what all his actions have meant"...that sound tell you something.(that it will be hard to put on the brakes). Good luck

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I'm having dark thoughts. Is it possible the reason you're interested in him is because your mother was? What if you two got permission to date and parents seemed to accept it and then one day he got drunk and hit on your mother or she hit on him? Just giving you some doomsday scenarios because I can't help thinking something bad would happen. Also, do NOT tell him your mother had a crush on him or she will NEVER forgive you.

 

He may have had a crush on the mother back then too; which the daughter could remind him of the mother when she was younger.

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Should I try to write to him? I really don’t want to lose that anything that was between us.

 

Well, there is probably not any natural way for you to keep in touch, except through your parents and their social circle. I don't know what you'd accomplish by trying to keep him in your life emotionally. Give it some time and see what happens and what you feel before taking any action, is my 2 cents.

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Of course he liked you. He probably still does. You two went around and around, flirting with each other, dancing around the subject, hoping the other would give some kind of go-ahead to actually show romantic interest. You kept taking everything he said as a joke, when you know damned well he wasn't actually joking about the hints he was throwing at you.

 

And then he actually went out on a limb, and tried to plainly ask you on a date:

 

Then we stopped talking for a good while, until one night I got a message from him asking me to be his partner at this party of all us were going to. I laughed it off as a joke again, but stopped replying and went to sleep because I knew he had been drinking. I asked a friend of mine to accompany me to the party.

 

You took it as a joke again, and I guess you didn't actually say, "Yes" or "No" to his invitation, but instead you didn't reply and then showed up to the same party with another friend. If I were him, I would take this as a very clear rejection, with an added bonus of you showing up with another guy, just to make it extra, super obvious that you wanted nothing to do with going on a date with him.

 

Which is fine for you to do, if you actually really do want to give someone a giant sign that you're not available to date them. But I don't think that's what you intended to do.

 

You like him, he likes you. Would it really be that bad if you two went on a few dates? Would your parent's lives be shattered if you got together with this guy? Would you be disowned by your family? Would either of you be ousted from the community? (I know this happens in some cultures, so please do say if these are possible outcomes.)

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LindseyKelk
He may have had a crush on the mother back then too; which the daughter could remind him of the mother when she was younger.

My mother and I met him exactly at the same time, which was only a few years ago. She was, and still is, kind of crushing on him. They had some disagreements with how things are supposed to be with what we are doing (a volunteering organization) and they had a falling out. I am not sure he was ever aware she liked him. Whenever she tries to talk to him, he will turn to me if I say something, too. He does not really pay any attention to her, however, she noticed he paid quite a lot of attention to me.

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LindseyKelk
Well, there is probably not any natural way for you to keep in touch, except through your parents and their social circle. I don't know what you'd accomplish by trying to keep him in your life emotionally. Give it some time and see what happens and what you feel before taking any action, is my 2 cents.

You are right. It was not really possible for us to keep meeting outside of the friend group, although he would often say “I’ll tell you when we meet for coffee” or anything like that. But he never went through with it, so I assumed he was not being serious. Also, we had a chance to meet every weekend, with them of course. And there were some events that we could go to for a few days. Eventually he stopped going, or set the dates so that we could not go. I don’t know why, but I took it as a hint that he just wasn’t bothered enough to see me anymore. I recently found out there have been a few times within the past 2 months when we could have gone somewhere, but he chose to set the dates so that we don’t go. Lol. At this point, I just figured that he has made a choice to stop talking for both of us, because I never asked for it, so whatever reasons he had they hurt but I am not even sure I want to keep talking anymore.

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LindseyKelk
Of course he liked you. He probably still does. You two went around and around, flirting with each other, dancing around the subject, hoping the other would give some kind of go-ahead to actually show romantic interest. You kept taking everything he said as a joke, when you know damned well he wasn't actually joking about the hints he was throwing at you.

 

And then he actually went out on a limb, and tried to plainly ask you on a date:

 

 

 

You took it as a joke again, and I guess you didn't actually say, "Yes" or "No" to his invitation, but instead you didn't reply and then showed up to the same party with another friend. If I were him, I would take this as a very clear rejection, with an added bonus of you showing up with another guy, just to make it extra, super obvious that you wanted nothing to do with going on a date with him.

 

Which is fine for you to do, if you actually really do want to give someone a giant sign that you're not available to date them. But I don't think that's what you intended to do.

 

You like him, he likes you. Would it really be that bad if you two went on a few dates? Would your parent's lives be shattered if you got together with this guy? Would you be disowned by your family? Would either of you be ousted from the community? (I know this happens in some cultures, so please do say if these are possible outcomes.)

Actually, he texted me saying come to the party with me (which was stupid, he would not go with me along with all of our friends and my parents), so I said sure I’ll go but what kind of invite is this, do it in person ;) . So then he wrote again when he was in pub on a Friday night, and I did reply, saying something like no we can’t because you couldn’t go with me. And he said why not, I’d have the best looking partner in the world. I just laughed again, because before that he would never stick to any plans he’d made. He never made an effort to actively organize things so that he could see me. He would often say let’s go for coffee or go skiing, but would never actually plan anything. So I had enough at that point and I was kind of frustated, and scared that if I said yes he would flake on me. Plus it was weird he asked that because at that point we were no longer talking every day, more like once or twice a week.

 

So I went with the friend of mine, and he ended up not going at all. We would still kind of talk after, exactly until a few weeks later he met this friend of mine in person. Since then 4 months passed and we exchanged 2 messages. The first time we met since then was a few days ago. I am not sure my friend had anything to do with it, as everyone knows we are not dating. So I took it he just decided to stop talking to me and move on to someone else. He never directly told me he liked me or was interested, instead when we started talking he told me it was fun to him and that he hopes it was fun to me. I remembered the words and acted accordingly. He would tell me that our friendship was “fatherly” to which I said it is really disturbing if he talks to his daughter like this. So he would say a lot of things like this, but then ended up calling me for 3 hours on a weekend night, texting me around people he was with, staying up with me until late night hours when he had to wake up really early the next day.... And no matter what he did, I always remembered he said he flirts to make people laugh. And if that was the case, it was a cruel fun to me.

 

We have not spoken since we met a few days ago. I am trying to work out whether it meant anything to him, or whether at this point he just does not care at all. I guess if he did, he would not just cut me off. But he consciously made a choice, and there was nothing I could do or say. I also wonder whether he stopped talking to me because he was never interested in the first place, or whether he backed off when he saw I had a younger friend and did not want to interfere. In any case, I don’t feel like he still likes me and I know I should forget him quicky too. :-/

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