Totally Sabatoged My FWB situation is it salvagable??

[CaramelQueen]

I apologize for the longggg post haha. Okay so I knew this guy for about a year and a half and we met at work and became friends. We used to go out for drinks after work...talk a lot and all that. He'd always flirt with me and joke about hooking up and I'd always just laugh it off and to be honest literally tell him it would never happen. We were friends... or I guess work friends. Fast forward to about 4 months ago and I was no longer working there. We hadn't seen each other in a very long time and basically got drunk and hooked up, no big deal, no feelings just fun. We did it again maybe 2 or 3 weeks later. It progressed into me seeing him during the day on the weekends almost every weekend..grabbing lunch or something and obviously hooking up. The last 2 months though I made the mistake of spending waaay too much time with him...towards the end I literally slept over his house 3 to 4 nights a week (in a row)for a good 3 weeks...and before that I was sleeping over usually 2 nights in a row.

 

I know he enjoyed me being there..even when I'd go to leave he'd be like "nooo just stay!" He made a comment one night about how funny it was that we love spending so much time together. I felt SO comfortable around him and I know he felt the same. Also the sex was literally mind blowing. I helped him move..was there for him when he was stressed out..etc. He went out of town 2 weekends ago to Vegas and I was totally expecting to not hear from him but he called me every night he was there and texted me telling me how much he missed me and how he wished I could have came and all that stuff. He called me two days after he got back and we hung out and I got drunk and made a COMPLETE ASS of myself. The bad part is I had already done this one or twice before..so I feel like this was the last straw (side note I'm no longer drinking).

 

The next morning I could see it on his face he just didn't look at me the same and was acting completely different...we talked about it and I profusely apologized but to be honest, like I said, I could tell he was looking at me differently. That weekend he went out of town to a pool party with his friends and texted me to tell me "he was going to be a good boy" and texted me to see how I was the next day (nothing like his vegas communication, granted I just freaked him out with my drunk crazy spell 2 nights before). I called him a couple days later and asked him if he wanted to hang out this weekend and he was like "possibly depending on how I'm feeling." And he kept going on and on about how crazy and how much fun his weekend was I almost felt like he was trying to purposely rub it in my face. I could sense that he just wasn't into it anymore and I'm pretty sure it was due to me acting like a complete drunk psycho.

 

After I got off the phone with him I texted him and told him I couldn't do this anymore because I was developing feelings and it was best for me to walk away and his response was "I'm sorry to hear that, don't think I don't have any feelings for you or anything like that, but I'm not in a place in my life to start a relationship right now. We can still hang out though." then when I didn't respond (I was super upset) he texted me and asked "are you just never going to speak to me again?" I texted him the next day and said "of course not, I value your friendship a lot and I'm just feeling overly emotional. I have a lot going on right now." (Which he knows i genuinely do). He never responded and I made the HUGE mistake of sending him another text the next day saying "are YOU never going to speak to me again" and reiterating that I don't want to lose him as a friend and that I'm embarrassed I said anything blah blah blah. He finally responded and was just like "haha sorry for the late response don't be embarrassed or anything like that!" He mentioned nothing about us being friends or still talking.

 

So yeah I'm super upset and depressed because I feel like he was honestly starting to have feelings for me and I ruined it by getting **** faced and acting like an idiot...and then possibly prematurely ending things because I was totally overanalyzing. The more I think about it the more I wish I never said anything. I really am going to miss him being a part of my life...is there any chance of him reaching out to me in the future or is this just toast? I feel like he wants absolutely nothing to do with me and we used to talk pretty much every day. I don't know why I feel this upset over someone who wasn't even my boyfriend and I definitely regret telling him I need to cut things off because now I miss him so much and can't stop thinking about him ..he's the first guy I've really grown attached to in this way since my ex...and I can't see after spending so much time together he wouldn't feel in the least bit sad or miss me.

 

It's kind of pathetic to admit, but I was hoping that in a month or so once my feelings fade, I could still have him as a strictly hookup buddy (no prolonged overnights etc) because the sex was literally the best I've had! lol! I'm just scared I ruined that option now and would be petrified of reaching out to him in the future only for him to not text me back or something.

 

I need advice!! Would it be a bad idea to reach out to him once the dust settles a bit? I just feel like his last text was just to be nice and basically saying he's over it completely I'm so mad at myself..

Edited June 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting ~ V

[Lobouspo]

He made it clear he is not interested in a relationship with you, and has expressed it in his actions as well. Respect that and move on. Also OP, it sounds like you may need to get a handle on your drinking. Your lack of boundaries due to your alcohol consumption got you into a situation where you hooked up and developed feelings for this guy. He clearly is not on the same page. My advice would be to just go NC, and seriously evaluate your relationship with alcohol and how it's impacting your life

[CaramelQueen]

Thanks I appreciate your response I am no longer drinking and I agree. I guess I just thought because we knew each other before all this...and because he specifically asked me if I was just never going to speak to him again...that maybe in the future we could be friends. But I agree I need to just go NC and gain some clarity.

[d0nnivain]

What exactly do you want here, for real? Do you want friendship? FWB? or a relationship?

 

I think you can have the friendship again if that is all you want but the other two are off the table.

 

He doesn't want a relationship, whether that is in general or because of your drunken antics doesn't really matter. There is no relationship in your future with him.

 

 

FWB is also out. Once somebody develops feelings, the benefits have to end. It's unfair of the one without the feelings to take advantage of the feelings through sex.

 

 

Genuine friendship is a maybe. Reach out & invite him to a friend activity that doesn't involve alcohol. See what he says. Send him an occasional newsy / chatty communication> If he doesn't respond, give up.

[CaramelQueen]

What exactly do you want here, for real? Do you want friendship? FWB? or a relationship?

 

I think you can have the friendship again if that is all you want but the other two are off the table.

 

He doesn't want a relationship, whether that is in general or because of your drunken antics doesn't really matter. There is no relationship in your future with him.

 

 

FWB is also out. Once somebody develops feelings, the benefits have to end. It's unfair of the one without the feelings to take advantage of the feelings through sex.

 

 

Genuine friendship is a maybe. Reach out & invite him to a friend activity that doesn't involve alcohol. See what he says. Send him an occasional newsy / chatty communication> If he doesn't respond, give up.

 

Thank you for your advice If I was to reach out in a friendly way how long do you think I should wait? I feel like I need to give it some time after I flat out told him I had to cut him off just a few days ago..I'm just afraid of making myself look any more desperate then I probably already did.

[d0nnivain]

Don't wait. Send something now.

 

In the aftermath of recent events I was embarrassed & emotional. Sorry for acting like a crazy person. I respect the idea that you are not in a place to date anybody right now but I would miss your friendship if we never spoke again. This is my attempt to repair the rift.

 

Leave it open ended. See what he does. In a few weeks you can suggest coffee or something.

[CaramelQueen]

Don't wait. Send something now.

 

In the aftermath of recent events I was embarrassed & emotional. Sorry for acting like a crazy person. I respect the idea that you are not in a place to date anybody right now but I would miss your friendship if we never spoke again. This is my attempt to repair the rift.

 

Leave it open ended. See what he does. In a few weeks you can suggest coffee or something.

 

 

Don't you think it might be a bit premature being I already apologized and said I was embarrassed? I copied and pasted what the text convo pretty much looked like below..he kinda gave me the feeling with his last text that he just doesn't want to hear from me which is strange being he was the one that asked me if I was just never going to speak to him. Also I took a day to respond when he asked If i'd never speak to him (because I needed to calm down a bit) and then a day went by, he never responded to me and I sent him the text apologizing and saying I was embarrassed and don't want to lose him as a friend which he then responded to later. We normally never take more then a couple hours to respond to each other so I kind of feel like that was deliberate on his end. I know first and foremost I need to remain no contact for at least a few weeks but i'm just hoping he reaches out to me at some point.

 

 

"After I got off the phone with him I texted him and told him I couldn't do this anymore because I was developing feelings and it was best for me to walk away and his response was "im sorry to hear that don't think I don't have any feelings for you or anything like that but I'm not in a place in my life to start a relationship right now. We can still hang out though :* " then when i didn't respond (I was super upset) he texted me and asked "are you just never going to speak to me again?" I texted him the next day and said "of course not I value your friendship a lot and I'm just feeling overly emotional I have a lot going on right now." (Which he knows i genuinely do) He never responded and I made the HUGE mistake of sending him another text the next day saying "are YOU never going to speak to me again" and reiterating that I don't want to lose him as a friend and that I'm embarrassed I said anything blah blah blah. He finally responded and was just like "haha sorry for the late response don't be embarrassed or anything like that I totally understand!"

[d0nnivain]

Since you already did some of what my suggested text said, try just the other parts: Sorry for acting like a crazy person. I want to be friends. This is my attempt to repair the rift.

 

You could also just skip over that & ask a "friendly" Q. . .whatever it was that you to used to talk about besides, sex, hooking up or booze. Just something breezy like hey did you see that great goal in the World Cup last night or something else that he'd be interested in. I finally got my new car. Whatever you talk about, sort of acting like the drama never happened & glossing over it.

[snowboy91]

The main points here seem perfectly reasonable.

 

You ended up in a FWB situation, and it was fun, that's reasonable.

 

You caught feelings, he didn't and isn't interested in a relationship. That's reasonable.

 

You're upset about him not being interested and being vague around you. That's reasonable.

 

It does seem like you at least value each other's friendship - the slightly aggressive messages ("are you just not going to talk to me?") are just a manifestation of the fear of losing that friendship in my opinion. I feel there isn't anywhere left for the FWB situation to go from here, since you're only going to get hurt if you keep having sex with him. If you think that your feelings will fade, then that's a great start to turning this back into a platonic friendship. But you'll probably need to put a bit of distance between you and him in the meantime so you can heal.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry to put you on the spot here. But to say something useful, I need a bit more information.

 

You say you got drunk and "acted like an ass." That's vague ... Because let's be clear: getting drunk and acting stupid and saying stupid stuff with someone isn't necessarily a relationship killer. And definitely ain't a hookup killer. If that were the case, there would be no college students dating or hooking up.

 

Like, did you flirt with other people or come onto other people when drunk? Did you say something mean or denigrating to him? What the heck did you do or say when you were drunk? Clearly there was something in your drunken behavior that freaked him out. What?

 

Let's start there and then our comments can be more considered and we can figure out how you can think about repairing things. Like there is even something about saying you're not drinking anymore that sounds way too simple and suspicious to me.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Short and sweet, I'll keep this reply as such,

Yes it's salvageable, I can at least see that much,

Invite him over, keep the drama at bay,

Have a few drinks and flirt, expect a lay.

[stillafool]

What did you do by "acting like an a--"? Please explain because it's vague.

[CaramelQueen]

The main points here seem perfectly reasonable.

 

You ended up in a FWB situation, and it was fun, that's reasonable.

 

You caught feelings, he didn't and isn't interested in a relationship. That's reasonable.

 

You're upset about him not being interested and being vague around you. That's reasonable.

 

It does seem like you at least value each other's friendship - the slightly aggressive messages ("are you just not going to talk to me?") are just a manifestation of the fear of losing that friendship in my opinion. I feel there isn't anywhere left for the FWB situation to go from here, since you're only going to get hurt if you keep having sex with him. If you think that your feelings will fade, then that's a great start to turning this back into a platonic friendship. But you'll probably need to put a bit of distance between you and him in the meantime so you can heal.

 

 

That is exactly what I was thinking. It wouldn't be healthy to message him right now because I am still way too emotionally invested. I was thinking of giving it a month or so or basically however long it takes to know that if I message him and for some reason he doesn't text me back..i wont be all broken up about it. It's been 6 days now with zero contact from him (other then him looking at my snapchat stories) and we used to talk pretty much every day. I think he is just being respectful of my wishes though. So like I said i'm going to give myself time to move on emotionally and then hopefully we can be friends again.

[CaramelQueen]

I'm sorry to put you on the spot here. But to say something useful, I need a bit more information.

 

You say you got drunk and "acted like an ass." That's vague ... Because let's be clear: getting drunk and acting stupid and saying stupid stuff with someone isn't necessarily a relationship killer. And definitely ain't a hookup killer. If that were the case, there would be no college students dating or hooking up.

 

Like, did you flirt with other people or come onto other people when drunk? Did you say something mean or denigrating to him? What the heck did you do or say when you were drunk? Clearly there was something in your drunken behavior that freaked him out. What?

 

Let's start there and then our comments can be more considered and we can figure out how you can think about repairing things. Like there is even something about saying you're not drinking anymore that sounds way too simple and suspicious to me.

 

To be honest I don't remember everything I said while I was drunk but i'm pretty sure allllll of my insecurities regarding our "arrangement" came out (accusing him of hooking up with other girls, just plain being obnoxious etc.) I am an awful person at times when I drink and as I stated I am no longer drinking for this reason...I understand why having a few episodes like that probably totally freaked him out. I honestly feel like he was completely over the situation after this last time and it changed his view/feelings about be quite a bit. It just sucks because we've hung out soooo much sober & he knows that's not who I am but like I said I totally understand him not wanting to pursue something with someone who has repeatedly acted like that.

 

I don't doubt that he had/has some feelings for me and he must miss me given how often we were together...I was practically living at the guys house a few weeks. I do feel like he is purposely not reaching out because I told him I needed to walk away bc I was getting too attached/hurt and after that incident he was probably just over all the drama.

 

I think I need to give myself time to heal (at least 30 days NC) and then consider casually reaching out to him and taking things slow as friends. Do you think that is a good idea? I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing to take that long without reaching out to him but I feel like we both probably need to give it time (me for my emotionally sanity and him to start to hopefully forget how I acted and start to miss me a bit)

[CaramelQueen]

I just wrote it below

[O'Malley]

You acted a bit silly while drunk, hardly the crime of the century, and this a guy who visited Las Vegas (and probably wasn't a choir boy while there). He became uncomfortable because he likes you in general, enjoyed your time together but has no romantic interest in you. Sometimes you will experience great chemistry and sex with someone that wouldn't be a good relationship fit, and that seems to be the case here.

 

As far as getting back into contact with him, I'd give it some time, however long it takes for you to get past your discomfort and your attraction for him. You'll know you're really over him when you no longer worry about what he thinks about you.

[Lotsgoingon]

I agree with O'Malley.

 

And based on the report of your drunkenness, I don't see where you acted so horribly. I don't quite see what you're apologizing for.

 

Well let me put it like this ... If I'm into someone and they acted as you describe, I would have a serious talk to them ... but urgency-importance ... maybe 4 or 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 ... with 10 being absolutely urgent.

 

Especially if I'm not in an exclusive relationship with someone, that they get drunk and act stupid sometimes ... not a big deal ... and this is from someone who barely drinks. (I have a drink about every six months.)

 

I think he just wasn't into you ... Most men, I think, if the relationship was otherwise working and fun ... wouldn't go cold just based on a drunken night ... or two ...

 

Now, let's say you were scary ... like you were picking fights and your friend had to intervene to keep you from getting belted ... well, that's another matter entirely.