Shadynasty Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 We are in our 40s and we are friends. He knows I want more, but he likes us just being friends. He doesn't want to ruin what we have he says. WTF? In my eyes he has a girl to sit on his couch and watch TV with him so he is not alone. I even sleep in his bed sometimes, I want the companionship. He said he hasn't dated anyone in 20 years, he doesn't know how to. I have told him I can't do this anymore, he said he wants me around, he has told me that a couple of times. My question is, am I wearing him down, will I ever get him? He is a quiet, loner. Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 Don't let him use you emotionally. If he doesn't want anything more, find someone who does. Hang out w/him, but don't stay over or sleep in his bed. You may not give him sex, but you give him benefits w/no strings attached. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 I would assume not. However, this is one case where walking away might cause him to chase you. It probably won't & you can't stay so what else is there? I would definitely make myself less available. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 I think you should believe what he says. He either truly doesn't want a girlfriend or he's just not romantically attracted to you. In either case you're not going to get more out of him. Take his words at face value and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 If you have to "wear him down" to get him, you're barking up the wrong tree, OP. Believe when he says he doesn't want to date you. You are going to get hurt when you realize you've spent too much time campaigning for a man for no real reason. Time to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 He hasn't dated in 20 years...wow. So he's set in his ways and his goal is to have you around for some TV, food, hang out, without kissing or sex. If you're okay maintaining this friendship and nothing more, keep on, and seek out companionship that you desire in marriage. He's not it. Don't sleep over in his bed. Sleep on the sofa if you're not in a position to drive, but don't put yourself in this position. No cuddling, flirting, or spooning. If it's a platonic friendship, it's a platonic friendship. Move on. If this prompts him to change his mind, great...but is this something that's going to work? He likes having someone around for TV and nothing more, and it seems he's set in a lifestyle he's happy with, without the work a marriage or relationship require...you go home. He lives single and has you around for awhile, which he enjoys, and you go home. Does he even have the ability or desire to be affectionate, kiss, make love...or is he just going to get home, do some chores, relax for some shows, go to bed, and you're sitting there wondering if you're ever going to get some affection out of him...it doesn't sound promising, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 I don't think you will ever wear him down. No. Believe him when he says, he either doesn't want a girlfriend or he is not attracted to you. If you want to find someone to date. You won't find him if you are sitting on this man's couch, or sleeping in his bed. Go out, live your life. This man is where he wants to be, leave him to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 (edited) TBH , if he was interested you would've known about it a long time ago. And him sayimg no pretty well says it all. Often hear women analyzing a guy like this with all sorts of theories and ideas of who he is but usually the truth of the matter is he;s simply just not interested in more than friendship. He probably doesn't want you in his bed either it feels horrible having just a friend in your bed, well to me anyway, so l'd knock that off to if l was you if he did you'd be there years ago. Though , as a last stitched idea , you could try disappearing on him for a few weeks , slight chance he might think hang on , shyt l miss her l want more than this with her bla bla. It;s only a maybe. Edited June 4, 2018 by Chilli 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 What he is telling you is the hard core truth...he doesn't want to date you. He doesn't want all those responsibilities of being someone's BF. He likes his life of solitude with a little company. That is all he wants.....listen to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 And why do you care??? Good grief, you are 40 and you want to settle for a guy that really does not want to date you? I mean, have you read what you have written? Please don't think that you have to settle for something like this, find someone that really wants to be with you, that actually might fall in love with you. Then you can have an actual, healthy, loving relationship... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 No. Give up. He's a "quiet loner." He's doing exactly all he wants to do now and you can't change him. Even if you got him to commit or whatever, you'd be stuck with a guy who didn't like to do much. Link to post Share on other sites
Meso82 Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 You won't actually know if you're wearing him down if you're always there and available. Who usually messages or calls first? Is he inviting you over or are you suggesting it to him first? Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 Have you ever dated/been anything more than friends? How did you meet? Like did you go on a date(s) or anything then decide (or he decided) to just be friends? He is probably exaggerating when he said he hasn’t dated in 20 years, but maybe he’s just been burned or had bad luck, so at this point he’s content with himself and his life and just wants friends and nothing more. There’s nothing wrong with having one more good friend, especially of the opposite sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 At least he was honest and didn’t lead you on (as far as I can tell in your post). But definitely get out there and meet other guys and don’t sleep in his bed anymore. Keep the friendship but keep your distance too, if that makes sense. Once you start meeting other guys, you’ll forget all about him! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 21, 2018 Share Posted June 21, 2018 You won't wear him down, I feel he has been open with you about what he wants and sees in his future.You arent on the same page and no matter how slowly you want to read that page sounds like it will never be the same ending or you both on that page together.....let him go find a guy who wants to be in a relationship like you do ......a quiet loner is no different to an extrovert who doesnt want a relationship to be committed and progress from friendship...it is what it is ...what it will always be...regardless of whether you chase him or you dont chase him.......the relationship with him... its not what your heart truly desires that relationship to be....or anywhere near what you want..you know what you have to do...i wish you well my friend...deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adiron Posted June 21, 2018 Share Posted June 21, 2018 You asked if you are wearing him down but you don't provide any indication that he's changed his position during the entire time you've known him. So how the heck are we supposed to know? Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted June 22, 2018 Share Posted June 22, 2018 That’s a good quote—yeah a lot of times people don’t (care to) meet others expectations as long as their expectations are met. Fortunately there are a lot of selfish people out there, but sometimes it’s unintentional. You also need to express your needs, because if you don’t, then the other person probably thinks you’re content. It’s important to both be equally willing to give! Link to post Share on other sites
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