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Complicated moral dilemma


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AgainstAllOdds1

I'll keep this as short as I can. Recently met a girl who I click with well enough to the point that it's scary. Of course, she is in a relationship (womp womp). However, that hasn't stopped her from going to lunch with me 1-on-1 (I thought others were coming, clearly not) or letting me know she would be thrilled to get a drink/go out just with me when I'm not working 60+ hours a week. Now, as I mentioned, she is in a relationship, so I'm not jumping through any hoops. But I get this weird feeling "something" is there. Our mutual friends often leaving us alone when we're all together.

 

So, the relationship vs how she acts around me is one dilemma. The other is that I may be moving for work in a few months. Nothing is definite, but signs indicate I will be getting a serious offer from my company to relocate 1,000 miles away as part of a new project. The girl, who is aware of the situation, is already bracing for me to accept the offer and moving (even though no offer has been presented). She herself is locked in our current location until the start of 2019, though has straight up told me she needs to weigh the decision of her current relationship vs her career. To me, it sounds a little like she is hedging her bets on if I move vs if I don't (think branch-swinging).

 

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, but how do you know if someone you meet is going to be in your life for awhile? If my company makes me a great offer, I probably take it. Aside from it being the best for me, the girl is in a relationship - I don't have time to wait around for that. But, as I've said, the connection is scary. I've been around a good bit and met many women, but this is different and I can't explain why.

Edited by AgainstAllOdds1
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I myself have had intense connections with others through my life (I'm 54). I will tell you this she won't be your last. All things, events and people move on. You will move on from this. As they say like two ships passing in the night.

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If she's in a relationship, don't get involved. Only problems and heartache come from that. Ask her directly about her relationship, and what she wants from you. You won't date someone attached, so tell her to call once she's officially separated or out of whatever relationship she's in.

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I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, but how do you know if someone you meet is going to be in your life for awhile?

by looking at their character. This one is emotionally cheating on her boyfriend, what does it say of her character? What she does to him she will eventually do to you.

 

But, as I've said, the connection is scary. I've been around a good bit and met many women, but this is different and I can't explain why.

She is far from being special, she's sneaky and a cheat, you got smitten that's all. Lucky you it will pass.

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She's in a relationship, so don't even go there. Enjoy the friendship. People come into our lives for a reason, and some last and some don't. Your focus is on your career and regardless of her availability, given your potential relocation, it's best not to get involved with anyone...you have an easy "excuse" in that she is with someone. Sure, you may both feel an attraction, but that does not mean she wants to act on it, and even if she does, you need to stay far away from that. Platonic. That's all it is and all it should be. She sounds like she adds value and support to your life, and as long as you maintain your boundaries, who knows what could happen in the future, whether a it's a great friend long-term, a professional connection, or even exploring a relationship if her current relationship reaches an end. Stay away from pursuing anything romantic. Not now.

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How do you know if someone you meet is going to be in your life for a while... by looking at their character. This one is emotionally cheating on her boyfriend, what does it say of her character? What she does to him she will eventually do to you.

 

This is a huge red flag. The fact that she is engaging with you while dating another tells you that she has no boundaries, a poor moral compass, and no respect for her relationship or her current partner. Beware.

 

My parents were both in relationships when they first met. They recognized that they had a connection... so, the next day they both dumped their other partners and they were married for 40 years. If she wanted to be with you and she had a good moral compass, is is what she would do.

Edited by BaileyB
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AgainstAllOdds1

Thanks for the feedback. What you all are saying sound right. I have no interest in trying to wreck an established relationship.

 

Emotional cheating, that's interesting. Not a term I'm really familiar with. I have a basic understanding of what that involves, but can anyone explain it in more detail? That could be what is going on here, but seeing that I am single, I of course am not the one conducting the cheating.

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BluesPower
Thanks for the feedback. What you all are saying sound right. I have no interest in trying to wreck an established relationship.

 

Emotional cheating, that's interesting. Not a term I'm really familiar with. I have a basic understanding of what that involves, but can anyone explain it in more detail? That could be what is going on here, but seeing that I am single, I of course am not the one conducting the cheating.

 

Hold on hotshot... I get that you may be a little young (<30)? But hey, if you mess with a girl that is in a relationship, you are involved in cheating, infidelity. So please don't draw some imaginary line so you feel like you are not doing anything wrong. If you go there, you are like a driver in a bank robbery. So don't be that guy.

 

Emotional affair is what you are involved with, you can Google it, it is easy to understand.

 

But the bigger point in this whole deal is this. This girl that you are digging on, I cheating on her BF, with you.

 

So, if you were to date her, when she was bored or ready to move on, what do you think she would do to you?

 

That is something that you should really think about...

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Without a doubt you do not want to be that guy who cheats on someone with, because most likely she’ll do it to you too.

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I don't know, this seems like one of those cases where nuance is very important. So far you have only had lunch with her, unless that is some kind of euphemism for something else.

 

When she says she wants to have a drink with you, is it like, "I would luuuuv to see you more after hours" or "we can talk over a drink if you want"?

 

I believe you can maintain an opposite sex friendship if you maintain boundaries. Is she "already cheating" in the words of other posters, or is her behavior more respectable?

 

But your second question is about the job offer. If you are not in a relationship, you should improve your career and move, no question about it. So that makes me think you are more interested in the "click" you get with this "girl" (I hope you are just being mildly disrespectful to her by calling her a girl, and that she not actually a minor).

 

So that leads to BaileyB's point. If you are already think that she is the kind of person that you would alter your career plans for, go ahead and tell her that you want to explore a relationship with her, and see if she will break up with her boyfriend for you. Isn't it better to take that risk than to enter some murky world of pseudo-cheating and doubt?

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OP, how did you meet?

 

Lunches, fun conversations, no dates, no kisses no ILY's? Sounds good. Early times. You perceive mutual attraction so leave it at that and focus on your project and prospective move. Women will come and go in life. Chalk this one up to bad timing and move on. Sure you can share with her how attractive and interesting you find her but leave it at that. Unless you know her partner and are privy to their circumstances it's impossible to know what's going on with her/him and definitely no one can read their minds. If she likes you enough, no ties holding her if she's with someone. Boom, done. Women do it every day. Leave any expectations, like that word 'relationship', at the door and live your life.

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Thanks for the feedback. What you all are saying sound right. I have no interest in trying to wreck an established relationship.

 

Emotional cheating, that's interesting. Not a term I'm really familiar with. I have a basic understanding of what that involves, but can anyone explain it in more detail? That could be what is going on here, but seeing that I am single, I of course am not the one conducting the cheating.

Emotional cheating mirrors the beginning stages of dating someone. Spending time together one on one, meeting for lunches, drinks, spending a lot of time sharing intimate details of your past experiences, flirting, innuendos, texting each other all the time or sneaking in a late night text or two, wanting to spend every moment you can at work, getting emotionally close, having romantic feelings for each other, buying gifts, etc. Sex doesn't have to be involved to cheat. You are sharing things emotionally that should only be shared with your partner.

 

 

Even tho you are single, you are involved, you are participating in the cheating, you are responsible for your actions. It takes two to tango.

 

 

 

Would you date a girl that made it a habit of dating married men and didn't care what she was doing?

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  • 3 weeks later...

The trouble with getting involved with someone who is getting involved with a new person while remaining in a relationship is you will never be able to trust her because now you know this is what she does. If she'll do it to him, she'll do it to you.

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salparadise
Hold on hotshot... I get that you may be a little young (<30)? But hey, if you mess with a girl that is in a relationship, you are involved in cheating, infidelity. So please don't draw some imaginary line so you feel like you are not doing anything wrong. If you go there, you are like a driver in a bank robbery. So don't be that guy.

 

Eh, it's not that black and white. Mating is a competitive, winner take all, endeavor. Premium females are always involved... either in the middle of, just getting into or out of one, and rarely––for a brief moment––they may literally be in between. And, they monkey branch. Why? Because they can. You can tag that as immoral too if you like.

 

There's nothing altruistic, sympathetic, cooperative, generous, or chivalrous between competitors. If a primo attractive women is with you it's because she wants to be (or because you kidnapped her), not because all other men are nice and honorable enough to say, hands off dude, she's taken and it wouldn't be nice to try and steal her. Ever hear of the battle or Troy?

 

In these forums there are pseudo-societal rules (like memes) that get heavily promoted by certain prolific, outspoken posters. They are invariably rigid, black and white, idealistic. Life is not that simple, and moral objectivism exists only in the minds of those who need to reduce every dilemma to binary, a right vs. wrong, good vs. evil, moral vs. immoral determination.

 

The OP says that he and this woman have special connection, the likes of which he has rarely, if ever, seen. "I've been around a good bit and met many women, but this is different and I can't explain why." His post rightfully reflects the complexity of the situation. The fact that this woman is going out on lunch dates and sending signals that she may be open to more tells me that she is not all that dedicated to her current relationship, not in love, and probably looking to exit. A moral objectivist would say she's cheating by talking to him... that the only acceptable way is to break up first if she wants to talk or go to lunch or bat her eyelashes at him. This is not how thing are in the real world.

 

I think he'd be foolish to tell her to get lost out of some perceived loyalty to the male brotherhood (or however you'd characterize it). I've created a new sub-category of Darwin Award; it's called the Living Darwin Prize. If OP decides to send her away based on moral objectivism, then he qualifies and should send me his mailing address to receive his award. The benefactor (the other man) will pay a nominal fee for postage and handling.

 

OP, if the connection is THAT strong, I think you should talk to this woman about possibilities. I think you should consider character––if she's telling this other guy she's in love with him, and ready to jump your bones at the same time then make note of that and protect yourself. But if she's honest, authentic, and you think there may actually be a future... well, the other guy's genetic proliferation is not your problem.

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^^^ I actually agree with the above poster. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and I would definitely advise you to stay away from her if they were married. But it doesn’t sound like this girl is very committed to and in love with her boyfriend. As long as you don’t cheat physically, I don’t see why it’s morally wrong for both of you to pursue a relationship. I have heard of very successful relationships leading to marriage that started when one or both parties was in a relationship. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to get stuck with me out of duty if he finds a perfect woman with the kind of connection you described.

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^^^ I actually agree with the above poster. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and I would definitely advise you to stay away from her if they were married. But it doesn’t sound like this girl is very committed to and in love with her boyfriend. As long as you don’t cheat physically, I don’t see why it’s morally wrong for both of you to pursue a relationship. I have heard of very successful relationships leading to marriage that started when one or both parties was in a relationship. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to get stuck with me out of duty if he finds a perfect woman with the kind of connection you described.

 

I should add that most of those successful stories I mentioned were initiated by the party who was single. In this case, the girl should break up with her boyfriend already...

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