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Friend with benefits wants to be more, and I don’t feel the same


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Confusedfwb

I had just gotten out of a very violent, serious, relationship when my friend asked me to go out of town with him to see his family for Thanksgiving. I’d just lost a baby and was all alone so I agreed to go.

 

We hit it off and from there decided to be friends with benefits. I made it very clear I didn’t want anything serious, and neither did he. I’ve accompanied him on family trips, and other private vacations since. He never says I’m his girlfriend and I never say he’s my boyfriend. We’re just close friends.

 

Well, recently we went to his grandparents’ 50th anniversary. I was with his mom and sisters’ in law when his little niece asks “when are you gonna marry Uncle David and be my auntie?” I was embarrassed and just said I didn’t know if I’ll ever be her auntie, but I’d always be her friend. I could tell his mom was pissed. The rest of the weekend everyone was very cool towards me. Even him.

 

We started going home and I asked what was wrong and he said “you don’t care about anyone but yourself.” I said that wasn’t true, I care about him, and his siblings, and his parents, and his grandparents and nieces. When I said nieces he exploded, “DONT YOU DARE SAY YOU CARE ABOUT *nieces*” and his mom told him what I’d said.

 

Now he won’t speak to me. He keeps posting all these quotes on his social media about when someone doesn’t love you back and Snapchating all these sad movies about love and people not loving each other. He sent me a text about people who can’t love or something.

 

I don’t understand. Over the last four years I’ve encouraged him to see other girls, and he has. I have even set him up with them. I’ve been honest, I don’t want to get married and never want another child because I would feel like I’m disrespecting the one I lost. He’s never even asked me to be his girlfriend... now I’m lost and feel like the bad guy. He’s accusing me of still loving the father of my child, who is a man I don’t associate with, let alone love.

 

What do I do?

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SammySammy

The response to the niece could have been handled better. The problem with being brutally honest is ... it's brutal. You could have used a little more tact or discretion in that response. Your response was harsh - to a child - and the family was understandably taken aback.

 

 

 

Sometimes social graces come in handy. Sometimes it's appropriate to let people down easily and gracefully. That was one of those times.

 

 

But, that's water under the bridge. You don't have to try to fix it. It happened. Learn from it. Move on.

 

 

And ... don't try to turn a FWB into a relationship unless it's what both of you want. If you don't want it, I think you should walk. In this case, being honest with him upfront was the best thing to do. He should appreciate that and respect your wishes. Or it's time to move on.

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Ya know, I do understand. Us guys are socially conditioned to act like we don't care. That's me speaking for the entire male gender and now switching and making distinctions. I hear stories and see threads here about the 'Find 'em, feel 'em, f--k 'em, forget 'em' crowd. That's not me and if any of my friends are like that, they keep it under wraps. So at the other end of the continuum are men who give lip service to the conditioning and instead, care. When your FWB first started your relationship, he said he didn't care (that much). It's clear that his attitude has changed. You can argue that he's done a s--t poor job of telling you how much he's changed but that's in the past.

What do I do?

 

From what you've written so far, I assume that all you want, even now, is FWB. You see where this has gone. Look in the mirror and decide if you're very sure that FWB is still all you want.

 

Then wait and see. But I expect some of the LS ladies will be advising you to leave him. That is an option. Back in your offline world you may have to wait him out until he's ready to talk to you again. Then have a talk. Lay out what YOU want from the relationship. You say that he agreed up front to FWB and nothing more. Call his bluff. Be prepared to end it.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
He keeps posting all these quotes on his social media about when someone doesn’t love you back and Snapchating all these sad movies about love and people not loving each other. He sent me a text about people who can’t love or something.

 

 

This behavior would be enough of a reason for me to cut ties with him.

 

As far as having another baby, I am sorry you lost a baby and that you feel that way :(. However, it would not be disrespecting that soul if you provided him/her with a sibling to watch over <3.

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Four years is an awfully long time to be sleeping with someone... it's pretty easy to see why he developed some expectations that perhaps, it was a real relationship. Perhaps, you should have clarified or cut it off sooner when you heard him calling you "his girlfriend" and introducing you to his family (not a typical thing to happen, in a friends with benefits relationship).

 

And, I too am sorry if you feel that way about having another baby. Perhaps, it's time to make an appointment with a counsellor... It sounds like you have some grief and attachment issues to work out. Good luck to you.

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You're going to have to say no and you're going to have to break it completely off with him. He should have listened to you instead of ignored it and agreeing to fwb just to keep you around when that was never all he wanted. So if you're uncaring, he's deceptive and doesn't listen.

 

I guarantee you if you keep him around in any capacity and don't cut him off and block him from social media, he is going to try to interfere in any relationship you try to have by making it look like you belong to him and showing up uninvited and acting territorial. It's come to a head, and now you need to tell him it's all over, all of it.

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Sadly you have to cut off the benefits & give him time to deal with this "break up". he needs to spend a lot of time away from you.

 

If you weren't serious, you erred by going to important family functions like the 50th anniversary with him. It make him think of you more like a GF & less just like a F-buddy.

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I am curious why you ended up going to a family thing with him myself. Many people would consider that a relationship milestone. I would say you have a communication problem but the beauty of FWB is you're not supposed to HAVE to communicate, and you did already tell him that's all you wanted.

 

You need to dump him. The fact one of his close relatives didn't correct the neice and say, "Now, StickyVicky, why would you ask that? This is just your uncles friend" tells me he has probably let them think you two are an item. Otherwise, no one would have been mad about it. They would just have laughed and said something like, Oh, I don't think John is ready for the altar quite yet." I mean, there are a million ways it should have gone down, so it's clear he misrepresented the situation and he should be mad at himself instead of you.

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This behavior would be enough of a reason for me to cut ties with him.

 

 

really? that is harsh.

 

he clearly likes her more than a FWB and people in his position have done far more crazy things. He's had stuff bottled up, he knew she'd never want more than a FWB but he was still quietly hopeful something more would transpire.

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I guarantee you if you keep him around in any capacity and don't cut him off and block him from social media, he is going to try to interfere in any relationship you try to have by making it look like you belong to him and showing up uninvited and acting territorial. It's come to a head, and now you need to tell him it's all over, all of it.

 

How can you guarantee that?

 

Hes' not even talking to her right now. He was the one who chose to sever ties (at last for now). Yes he likes her, probably even loves her. But, that doesn't mean he's going to make an arse of himself forever.

 

Everyone on LS follows the NC rule eventually. Odds are he will too eventually.

 

Also so many what ifs? Doesn't sound like she wants a full-blown relationship with anyone.

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You need to dump him. The fact one of his close relatives didn't correct the neice and say, "Now, StickyVicky, why would you ask that?

 

She was a small child, your being unrealistic.

 

Ok, the relatives maybe could have showed some more restraint but the OPs answer was just so brutally honest, it was always going to get a rise out of someone, regardless of what picture her FWB partner had painted.

 

She could have just laughed off the question and just said something like "haha, no one knows about the future". Totally harmless yet effective.

 

Its fine to be in a FWB but it is still going to sting (people) if u tell a small kid in front of his family, no chance in hell she would ever consider a relationship with him.

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Sadly you have to cut off the benefits & give him time to deal with this "break up". he needs to spend a lot of time away from you.

 

If you weren't serious, you erred by going to important family functions like the 50th anniversary with him. It make him think of you more like a GF & less just like a F-buddy.

 

agreed...

 

Just because you label something a FWB doesn't mean actions have no significance. Actions always speak louder than words. FWB is just a term, just words, it's how you act that matters.

 

I think the OP is just de-sensitised from her past which is totally understandable. But most people with a healthy mindset would consider family outings above and beyond a FWB situation. Unless of course she asked him to tell his family they were strictly friends but I doubt that happened, based on how he has reacted.

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Confusedfwb

I was going to family things with him before we were fwb. It was that thanksgiving that started. He said his mom at least knew we weren’t together, and while she didn’t approve, could accept what she’d been told.

 

I did kind of talk to him yesterday. I told him that I’m sorry but after what my ex did to me, I have no desire for a relationship, at all. I’d rather be alone. I’d rather sit around and miss my baby... not be the wife and mother he wants. He got mad at me over it, saying that I need to just let him in.

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I did kind of talk to him yesterday. I told him that I’m sorry but after what my ex did to me, I have no desire for a relationship, at all. I’d rather be alone. I’d rather sit around and miss my baby... not be the wife and mother he wants. He got mad at me over it, saying that I need to just let him in.

 

Far be it for me to tell you what to do with your life, but may I suggest again that you get some counselling, if you haven't done so already.

 

Not to dismiss your pain in any way... But, the older you get, the more you will learn that life is filled with happiness and sadness, new beginnings and loss, joy and pain. Try as you might, you can't avoid it, everyone experiences pain and loss.

 

If you spend your life alone, you may feel "safe" now but when you get older you will certainly feel pain... Because, when you look back on your life, you may well look back and realized that because of your fear, you missed out on living... You may have missed some of the "bad stuff," but you have also missed all the "good stuff..." The pain of that regret will be awful... Good luck to you.

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Lotsgoingon

You say visiting with his family started before the FWB.

 

Well ... that itself is interesting ... You sure he didn't have feelings for you at that time? ... Or you serious feelings for him?

 

Did you show up for these dinners when you were partnered and pregnant? If so, did everyone at the dinners know you were partnered?

 

Sometimes in life ... the external ritual ... actually carries people in a wave ... Like you start with this ritual ... I'm just a good friend attending Thanksgiving dinners ... But 99.9 percent of the time ... mere "friends" (of the opposite sex no less) do NOT attend Thanksgiving dinners ... Or if they do ... they are not FWB ... not sleeping together.

 

So ... he might have liked you all along ... and just sorta hid it ... or liked you and pushed it aside sometimes ... but then it came out when you were available.

 

Lots of men (I know I have) play the supportive friend to a woman ... really hoping all along that the woman will jump up one day and say, "Oh, I want to be with you. You're the man for me."

 

Really, I don't think you did anything wrong ... But you should know ... going to a dinner as a FWB was risky ... and blurred things.

 

Another way to say this ... as soon as you guys became FWB's ... really that was time for you to stop attending the Thanksgiving dinners ... That would have drawn a better boundary. And think about it ... can you really say that when you attended all those dinners, you NEVER got the impression from family members that he had a real interest in you?

 

But seriously, I can't fault you ... a complicated situation ... There's never a guarantee someone in a FWB relationship ... will never have feelings for more. That's why FWB is so hard.

 

He's clearly crushing on you now ... and just beware ... the person in his situation will try to use guilt ... and everything else ... to make it seem like betrayed them. You didn't. You don't owe him any further relationship ... but you probably could have been clearer and more strategically distant along the way.

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I was going to family things with him before we were fwb. It was that thanksgiving that started. He said his mom at least knew we weren’t together, and while she didn’t approve, could accept what she’d been told.

 

I did kind of talk to him yesterday. I told him that I’m sorry but after what my ex did to me, I have no desire for a relationship, at all. I’d rather be alone. I’d rather sit around and miss my baby... not be the wife and mother he wants. He got mad at me over it, saying that I need to just let him in.

 

See, now he's not taking no for an answer. Always a red flag.

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See, now he's not taking no for an answer. Always a red flag.

 

please... you call that a red flag?

 

he likes/loves her and is having one last crack to see if she can live in the moment and let go of the past. That might be futile but you can't really blame a guy for trying. Its probably a build up of frustration where he realises he has wasted 4 years on someone who never wanted more (sure, that's mainly on him but it's still going to hurt).

 

Its raw right now, if hes mad and guilt tripping in the months to come, then he has crossed the line.

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Lotsgoingon

I agree ... such begging in the face of a clear no, is a red flag.

 

Healthier non-red flag would be for him to make his case to her ... tell her he wants to be with her ... and then leave her alone ... she will have time and space to change her mind (though of course, that rarely happens).

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Lotsgoingon

I agree ... such begging in the face of a clear no, is a red flag. Violates dating rule #33: you don't ever want to talk someone into dating you. Frankly, you can't talk someone into dating you. You can only talk them into feeling guilty and thus they delay the breakup with you a little longer.

 

And rule #34. You don't want a relationship with someone you have had to talk them into. You want a relationship with someone who wants the relationship just as strongly as you do.

 

Healthier non-red flag would be for him to make his case to her ... tell her he wants to be with her ... and then leave her alone ... she will have time and space to change her mind (though of course, that rarely happens).

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^nail on the head. What's the point of talking someone who isn't into you into a relationship?

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Confusedfwb

Okay, I think I wasn’t as I thought about when the relationship started.

 

I was with someone very seriously and he has a very explosive temper. We were going to have a baby together (I was about 3/4 months along) when we got into fight. He beat me so hard that the baby died. I went and had it removed and this guy took me. He knew I was going to be alone and wasn’t okay so he invited me to Thanksgiving a few weeks later. We went, we stayed together, and decided when I was ready, we’d try fwb. So there was no explaining another partner because he was gone. Or the pregnancy, that he, the father, and my best girlfriend are the only people I ever told.

 

 

We’ve been fwb ever since. We went to a party and when a guy asked if we were together he said “we’re only friends, so he knew.

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He beat me so hard that the baby died. ... he, the father, and my best girlfriend are the only people I ever told.

 

 

Heartbreaking ... and now you've told LS. I assume it was difficult to do even with the protection of anonymity. It explains a lot about your feelings.

 

I'm not a fan of 'counseling'. In fact I'm big-time against it because of what I perceive as damage it did to the mental health of my family. But as other posters have suggested, perhaps it would help you. My amateur diagnosis, yet based on decades as a human being, is that you are feeling terribly guilty, so guilty that it suppressing your openness to accept love. You come across as a loving, caring human being. It hurts others to know that you are in such emotional pain. Aside from counseling, do you believe your FWB in fact loves you? Has he tried to help you deal with your feelings about your baby? Would you let him? Would you want him to?

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I agree ... such begging in the face of a clear no, is a red flag.

 

 

begging?

 

she contacted him. he spoke his mind, got mad... that's not begging and its so fresh.

 

begging for a month after a BU blowing up her phone .... that's a different story

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^nail on the head. What's the point of talking someone who isn't into you into a relationship?

 

no issue with that... but you are calling his behavior a red flag

 

totally different things

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Healthier non-red flag would be for him to make his case to her ... tell her he wants to be with her ... and then leave her alone ... she will have time and space to change her mind (though of course, that rarely happens).

 

There's only been one conversation. He told her she should open up. He got mad coz that's what people do when they are still emotionally raw.

 

I think you been reading too much Corey Wayne or something. This is real life.

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