Jump to content

Why doesn't he reveal himself?


Recommended Posts

sparkles_80s

I am friends with a guy online (we are in our 20s) and we met through a online group where we share similar interests. However he likes to keep his identity secret. He knows my identity though and overtime this has bothered me because we have developed an emotional connection. I've asked him multiple times to send his photo and he said he is ugly and has self esteem issues. To prove he was a guy he sent a photo of his body (clothed) because I was getting upset one day. He doesn't want me to stop contacting him. I asked if we could meet one day and he said maybe. He asked for my address joking around and I refused to give it. He has told me his name, age, area he lives in, relationship history, personal things that are very personal etc but he keeps saying his ugly! I threatened to delete my profile and his begged me not to.

What is your take on this?

Link to post
Share on other sites

My take is that you are being catfished. He's not real. He's lying to you.

 

If your interactions are only on line, you have not met. You are not friends because there is no live genuine person to be friends with. You may have developed an unhealthy & unrequited emotional attachment to who you think (hope) he is but that is a fantasy you have concocted. You don't actually know who he is. You have no idea whether the stuff he told you is true. It's probably what he thinks you want to hear. If he won't reveal his identity or give you a facial picture, you best assume he's a criminal trying to scam you. You need to cut ties & develop a better sense of self preservation.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You say you have developed an emotional connection, but don't say how long you two have been chatting online. If it's a month or more and he refuses to skype or facetime or something where you can see his face and actually hear him speak, I'm pretty sure he's fake. If there's some kind of emotional connection because you are so taken with how he messages you, then I think it's time to tell him you can't go further without some kind of verification of his identity.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sparkles_80s
My take is that you are being catfished. He's not real. He's lying to you.

 

If your interactions are only on line, you have not met. You are not friends because there is no live genuine person to be friends with. You may have developed an unhealthy & unrequited emotional attachment to who you think (hope) he is but that is a fantasy you have concocted. You don't actually know who he is. You have no idea whether the stuff he told you is true. It's probably what he thinks you want to hear. If he won't reveal his identity or give you a facial picture, you best assume he's a criminal trying to scam you. You need to cut ties & develop a better sense of self preservation.

 

I doubt his a criminal I don't give out birth dates or private info. I think catfish high possibility though

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sparkles_80s
You say you have developed an emotional connection, but don't say how long you two have been chatting online. If it's a month or more and he refuses to skype or facetime or something where you can see his face and actually hear him speak, I'm pretty sure he's fake. If there's some kind of emotional connection because you are so taken with how he messages you, then I think it's time to tell him you can't go further without some kind of verification of his identity.

 

5 months. I agree I feel I need to end this friendship if he doesn't reveal himself

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not calling Catfish on this without knowing context.

 

Is this a chat site you're on? Or is it one where the intention of the site is for people to meet face to face?

 

On a chat site such as this, it's quite normal for people to get to know each other really well but choose to not give up their identity. For the most part, I believe the long term posters who are regular and consistent in attitude are exactly who they represent themselves to be. While I'm not particularly secret about who I am, the choice of others to remain anonymous should be respected.

 

But if the site is an actual meetup site, that's a different story.

 

Edited to add: you don't have to leave the chat group if his secrecy bothers you. Just stop talking with him.

Edited by basil67
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I dunno. Catfish don't usually say they're ugly. So he may be married -- or he may be ugly.

 

Doesn't really matter, though. He's not going to reveal himself for whatever reason, so I'd advise blocking him. He could be in prison for all you know. He could be married. He could be a she. He could be ugly, and I'm going with the latter, that he doesn't have what it takes to be ready for a real-life relationship because of self-esteem issues. Why beg? Just move on and let him sort himself out.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara

My take on the situation is that whatever he (or she) is hiding, it isn't good.

 

I think it would be a very good idea to delete your profile before you get any more emotionally attached to this online buddy/stranger.

 

When someone shows you they are untrustworthy and secretive, that should be your cue to walk away. It will free up that space for someone genuine and decent.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sparkles_80s
I'm not calling Catfish on this without knowing context.

 

Is this a chat site you're on? Or is it one where the intention of the site is for people to meet face to face?

 

On a chat site such as this, it's quite normal for people to get to know each other really well but choose to not give up their identity. For the most part, I believe the long term posters who are regular and consistent in attitude are exactly who they represent themselves to be. While I'm not particularly secret about who I am, the choice of others to remain anonymous should be respected.

 

But if the site is an actual meetup site, that's a different story.

 

Edited to add: you don't have to leave the chat group if his secrecy bothers you. Just stop talking with him.

 

Yes its just to chat not meet face to face

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes its just to chat not meet face to face

 

Ok. So I understand you being uncomfortable with him knowing about you and not vice versa. But when you're talking with someone on a chat site, there's always a chance that they won't want to be identified. I find it best to just feed information slowly. And don't feed more information until they've matched what you've told them about you. It's a trickle feed.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sparkles_80s
Ok. So I understand you being uncomfortable with him knowing about you and not vice versa. But when you're talking with someone on a chat site, there's always a chance that they won't want to be identified. I find it best to just feed information slowly. And don't feed more information until they've matched what you've told them about you. It's a trickle feed.

 

Thank you I will do that next time. I have messaged them saying I do not want to continue being friends in a peaceful manner. I think it's for the best I avoid these one sided interactions

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sparkles_80s

I told him I want to end the friendship and his got very emotional and said he has feelings for me. His very upset about it all so I'm going to give him a few hours to think. Ok this is becoming complicated ?

Link to post
Share on other sites

That's why you need to just block him/her. Because it's not fair for this person to try to guilt you when they're the one being a butt. Just block. Don't negotiate. This could be a valuable lesson to this person that will make them a better person to have some consequences for their actions

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I told him I want to end the friendship and his got very emotional and said he has feelings for me. His very upset about it all so I'm going to give him a few hours to think. Ok this is becoming complicated ?

 

Say to him "Well, it may be that you care about me. But you don't trust me sufficiently to show me who you are. I'm sure you understand that this is not good enough for me".

 

Then block him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sparkles_80s
Say to him "Well, it may be that you care about me. But you don't trust me sufficiently to show me who you are. I'm sure you understand that this is not good enough for me".

 

Then block him.

 

I gave them enough time and I asked for a voicenote with my name in the message because I figured out if they feel they're ugly or don't want to show their face then a voicenote is minor. Well they responded very angry! Big red flag, there was no need to get really angry so to me that says they have something to hide and might not even be a man...

I blocked them. I feel sad yes but I had to do it

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Probably not even a man. A lot of the catfishing is people unsuccessful at developing any relationship or in a narrow niche where they have trouble finding love, so they go online where they can pretend to be who they wish they were or feel they are but don't have any success there at being. It's sad all around, but it's also very cold-blooded to do that to people onlilne and not give a crap about THEIR feelings falling in love with a total illusion. So don't feel bad. Keep that person blocked forever.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...