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Trouble getting over one-sided love


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The guy I really like and have been in love with for the last two years does not like me back. It seems that his type is the extroverted, “bubbly”, blonde and outdoorsy kind of girls. I’m not like that.

When I met him we got along really well, went on several dates and ended up having an affair/friends with benefits type of situation for several months. I really fell in love with him but I guess he only saw me as a distraction. I just thought that if he got to know me better, he would see that I am a cool girl (with other words I hoped he would fall for me). In retrospect, I realize how dumb this was.

 

We are still in contact but it’s not regular. I have a hard time getting over him. The worst part is that I’m hating myself for being the way I am and I'm constantly tempted to change myself for him. I realize that this is not the solution but I just don’t know how to cope with this situation and move on. There are several other guys that have shown interest in me and I am going on a lot of dates but none of these guys spark my interest as much as the other guy does. The thing is that due to me being relatively good looking, I have a lot of options when it comes to dating. The "tragic" part is that the one guy I really want does not want me. How do I deal with this? I lost a lot of self-confidence because of this situation and am really doubting my self-worth.

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sternchen92

I'm through a similar situation. It's difficult of course because in our case there are no messages to delete, letters to break or similar activities that help you think you're getting rid of memories with him.

 

Then, I don't know if you've idealised this guy too much or (like in my case) is just that you're really stubborn in accepting there are other men, who if not similar to him, are their own individuals and spending time with them might let you live new experiences and acquire more beautiful memories.

 

In my case I finally started to give opportunities to such guys I find more appealing (I'm not desperate and I don't want to betray the feelings of someone else by dating them just because I want to forget a person). I of course explain my situation, and allow them to flirt a bit or so... That after at least 6 months of deciding I should continue with ny life (though this little stupid, irrational love is still here telling me perhaps in the future he and I will be together, and actually perhaps yes, or not... I just won't torture myself that much thinking about the possibilities).

 

You have plenty of time to forget your intense feelings for this dude, but don't take too long if you actually can make the process shorter than, let's say, 5 years haha...

Just first accept that chances you'll be with him are very little, and concentrate more in those around you who quite much appreciate you (family, friends)...

Perhaps he'll change his mind, perhaps not... the idea is: you don't know, so don't waste more time.

 

Good luck... and all the best for you, strong girl :)

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You seem like a sensible person, so maybe you can face reality and leave this guy behind. The thing is even if you changed for him, he would never see it that way. And you'd always know he didn't love your true self, so you'd never be happy or feel secure, so obviously that isn't the answer.

 

The raw truth is that this guy isn't who you hoped he was and also that you don't really know him all that well, because if you did, you'd already know why you're not who he's looking for. Like most people, this guy has an ideal woman in his head he's chasing, and you're not it, as you know. He can't be YOUR perfect guy because your perfect guy would care as much about you as you do about him. So at some point you have to accept reality and say, "It is what it is. He's not my guy because I'm not his type" and just let it go. You aren't losing the perfect guy for you. You are losing who you HOPED would be the perfect guy for you, but he's not the guy you are really wishing for. He just resembled him a little, but the most important thing was missing: reciprocation.

 

I'm sorry. We've all been there. One of the guys I loved kept telling me his type were ballerinas -- how nuts is that? We all have out delusions. But at least yours isn't after some pie in the sky, and he'll likely find it. And you'll find yours too. But please take the advice of someone who has wasted years waiting and hoping, and just make it your goal to get to the point where you don't care what he's doing, you don't think about impressing him, and you just move on to the better fit that awaits you. Don't waste these years being miserable over this. He's not the guy, so it's not worth letting it make you miserable. Choose to stop all contact with him because that will only make it harder to refocus, and choose to not draw out the sadness. It's all within your power. It's not fate or anything. It's you choosing to move forward and find joy or to mire yourself in sadness and stagnate. Don't do it.

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ah lisa marie, I really feel for you on this one, unrequited love is really painful as its one of those almost addictive things that just keeps you going back for more!!!! even though it is not really giving you what your heart really want or knows is good for it.

 

 

the best I can say is that I hope that the length of time you have for this guy isn't too too long, people can pine for those that don't reciprocate for years really and that is what it is for them, I guess it wouldn't hurt so much if the brain didn't keep trying so hard.

 

 

but another positive thing you do know in a strange way positive, is that you do know that you are not the picture that fits his desires as they are now, of course people's tastes can change but even if his did change and he was looking to try a different sort of relationship, it might still not be you he went for.

 

 

you are an attractive girl and someone that could do with your self worth getting a boost for once not leaving your time open for something that probably isn't going to happen.

 

 

one thing you at least do have over most unrequited folks is is that you did actually get to have some time with him, albeit as fwb, that is something that a lot of people out there would love to just get close and talk intimately with someone they really feel love for but never make even half of first base in terms of getting the other person comfortable even chatting for more than the basic hi, how's it goin sort of level. so maybe look to that as something you did have and try to tell your heart and head that yif it was gonna work out then that was the time it would have been more.

 

 

im sorry to disapoint,but maybe either try to meet someone who is not your usual type and put yourself in the open position of being out there or maybe take yourself out of the dating game for a while and get your old self back with the help of friends or just retreating for a while.

 

 

however great you feel this guy is and im sure he is a nice guy, there are loads of other men out there who are equally lovely and might be more of a secure match and more of an emotional stabiliser for you.

 

 

I think maybe it might have hit you hard also because it was fwb, there are lots of people that find that ok for them, but I think that more often than not, its the benefits that go a lot deeper and can hurt one of the parties sooner or later cause I just don't think we are designed that way for too long a time. emotions can be so powerful, but it sounds as though you ARE trying to break a connection.

 

 

but it is what you do need to do if he doenst want you, otherwise you are just making your self esteem dip up and fall down in a loop.

 

 

very best of luck in your healing. if you've been in this position before...look to that and remember that you got out of the yearning for whoever it was before.

 

 

throw yourself into other things and maybe start putting yourself a bit more first for a while.

 

 

and at least be thankful he is not playing games with you pretending that he wants you when he knows he doesn't really!

 

 

time is the only healer, that and meeting someone new I think in this one.

 

 

things will change for you (but unfortunately it will change in its own time, and there is no telling how long that will be....but as long as you do your best to try to keep moving on as best as you can) then I think that is all anyone can do in this type of situation.

 

 

ok, good luck.maxi.

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Why are you doubting your self worth when so many other men are attracted to you? Nothing increases obsession like rejection. Unfortunately, we can't make someone love us and we don't get everybody we want in life. The best way to get over him is to stop going where he hangs out and stop all contact with him. Keep dating until you find another guy where your feelings for each other are mutual.

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