LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > Friends and Lovers

Best friend acting so strange.


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Like Tree4Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 8th March 2018, 5:12 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 67
Best friend acting so strange.

So me and my best friend met through work, Iíve recently gone back to the job where I first met her, and she is my manager once again. Which is fine, that has never been an issue in our friendship.

But since Iíve been back sheís been acting very strange, if I speak to any of the girls there she wonít speak to me for a little while. Thereís a meal coming up, and she was asking all of the other girls if they were going, having discussions with them about it. But didnít mention anything to me, her Ďbest friendí, surely youíd want your best friend there with you? But she just gave me the impression she doesnít want me to go. She doesnít really have any friends apart from me and I feel like she doesnít want me to have any other friends. She struggles to get along with other girls, but I donít, and I donít think she likes it. Whenever we have a group conversation and Work, and Iím involved, she will make a whole load of effort to talk to everyone else, but completely ignore any input I make?

This is really starting to bother me and I feel super uncomfortable at work, like I canít talk to anyone. How can I deal with this, I want to start distancing myself from her, as this isnít what I call a best friend. I donít know if Iím being petty but what sheís doing isnít right
Daaanz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2018, 5:26 PM   #2
Established Member
 
BarbedFenceRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Southwest
Posts: 498
Old saying here...."you don't sh*t where you eat!"

Mixing work with personal stuff is soooo tricky. And now she is your supervisor and has essentially dropped you from the friendzone.

How are evaluations supposed to go now? How is being treated fairly at the workplace gonnna happen? What about promotions? Seriously think if you NEED to stay there.

If you value the friendship, I think something needs to be said. If she blows you off for communicating your relationship. Then you can say, dump it! You don't need it.

But you WILL need to be looking for other employment.
BarbedFenceRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2018, 5:32 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 406
Maybe she's trying too hard to appear objective since she's your superior and she doesn't want others to think she's playing favorites?

I think you can either choose to ignore it and keep it professional or ask her sometime outside of work what gives (in a non-confrontational way, something like, "Hey, do you notice that things are different at work now that I'm back? You don't seem as chatty with me.")

Does she still contact you outside of work to hang out? If she isn't, I would probably just keep it polite and professional in the workplace (enough to do your job) and start cultivating outside friendships.
healing light is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2018, 5:33 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
Old saying here...."you don't sh*t where you eat!"

Mixing work with personal stuff is soooo tricky. And now she is your supervisor and has essentially dropped you from the friendzone.

How are evaluations supposed to go now? How is being treated fairly at the workplace gonnna happen? What about promotions? Seriously think if you NEED to stay there.

If you value the friendship, I think something needs to be said. If she blows you off for communicating your relationship. Then you can say, dump it! You don't need it.

But you WILL need to be looking for other employment.

The thing is, that is how we met and she was my manager before and we were totally fine, she never acted like this with me, which is why I am so confused!

I donít really want to try and sort things out, the way she has treated me lately has made me feel so small, like I am a human with feelings too? Not someone you can just use and keep for yourself! Obviously my job is important to me and I donít want to cause any kind of friction with her... but a best friend doesnít act the way she is acting. When itís just me and her we are totally fine, but the way she acts shouldnít change. I need to find a way to distance myself without it being too obvious! As if weíve just drifted. Iíve already stopped inviting her for lunches, she hasnít mentioned it to me yet.
Daaanz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2018, 5:37 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by healing light View Post
Maybe she's trying too hard to appear objective since she's your superior and she doesn't want others to think she's playing favorites?

I think you can either choose to ignore it and keep it professional or ask her sometime outside of work what gives (in a non-confrontational way, something like, "Hey, do you notice that things are different at work now that I'm back? You don't seem as chatty with me.")

Does she still contact you outside of work to hang out? If she isn't, I would probably just keep it polite and professional in the workplace (enough to do your job) and start cultivating outside friendships.

We donít see each other a lot out of work now, but I just put that down to seeing her every day at work. I donít think anyone would think sheís playing favourites, everyone knows weíre supposedly Ďbest friendsí. When we worked together previously she didnít act in this way. We go to lunch together etc but I just want to distance myself. Itís painful because I do love her, but I donít like how sheís treating me. I think best thing to do now is just ignore it. I feel so petty, I donít know if Iím making a big issue over nothing and maybe she doesnít even know sheís doing it but i donít like it. She struggles to make friends, so sheís always looking from approval from others, I think that is part of the problem.
Daaanz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2018, 6:04 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 19,272
Since you're back, she has determined not to show that you two are friends. Because obviously favoritism causes no end of resentment and low morale at work. She's already having trouble with some of the girls liking her (this comes with being a manager) and she's chosen to take every precaution not to rock the boat and is putting extra effort into getting on better terms with them. She probably really resents you trying to come in and act overly familiar with her because that undermines her as the boss, especially now that she has some bugs to work out there. So don't be pushy about it at all. Don't talk to others about her or about your friendship with her. She doesn't want them to know that because it will cause problems.

You say you never had a problem working under her, but truth is you are now having a problem because she's not treating you as her favorite. Give her a break and she'll probably give you one down the road.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2018, 6:14 PM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 109
My best friend is my boss as well, and has been more than once (in our industry, freelancing is the only option so we move around a lot).

At first, we worked to cover up how close we are because neither of us wanted to be accused of nepotism, but eventually people began to suspect, so we just dropped the facade.

The way we deal with it is honesty. I work my tail off, and part of that is because of our friendship..it’s not only my reputation that is on the line but hers as well, and if I screw up, I take ownership of it and she helps me to improve whatever skill I am lacking that causes my screw up in the first place.

Outside of work, we don’t discuss my performance at all.

I’m not sure if this post is helpful to you at all but I wanted to let you know how we make it work.

Do you think your friend had the same issue mine did, in that she’s trying to overcompensate for your friendship by ignoring you? Regardless though, you should have a conversation with her.

PS we also met through work, about 14 years ago, then didn’t work together again after that until 3 years ago.
CatMinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2018, 2:38 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Since you're back, she has determined not to show that you two are friends. Because obviously favoritism causes no end of resentment and low morale at work. She's already having trouble with some of the girls liking her (this comes with being a manager) and she's chosen to take every precaution not to rock the boat and is putting extra effort into getting on better terms with them. She probably really resents you trying to come in and act overly familiar with her because that undermines her as the boss, especially now that she has some bugs to work out there. So don't be pushy about it at all. Don't talk to others about her or about your friendship with her. She doesn't want them to know that because it will cause problems.

You say you never had a problem working under her, but truth is you are now having a problem because she's not treating you as her favorite. Give her a break and she'll probably give you one down the road.
I havenít come in and tried to act over familiar at all, Iíve just come in and got my head down and got on with my work. I donít have a problem with her not treating me as a favourite, I would never expect her to and wouldnít want to be put in that position myself, as I know it would turn others against her. My problem is I am not being treated as equal to the other girls, being left out, ignored etc by my supposed best friend. Starting a new job is never easy but she is trying to make sure I am not included in anything. Maybe she doesnít people to know we are friends, but right now sheís isnít even making me feel part of the working team, which a manager should do, regardless.
Daaanz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2018, 11:04 AM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daaanz View Post
I havenít come in and tried to act over familiar at all, Iíve just come in and got my head down and got on with my work. I donít have a problem with her not treating me as a favourite, I would never expect her to and wouldnít want to be put in that position myself, as I know it would turn others against her. My problem is I am not being treated as equal to the other girls, being left out, ignored etc by my supposed best friend. Starting a new job is never easy but she is trying to make sure I am not included in anything. Maybe she doesnít people to know we are friends, but right now sheís isnít even making me feel part of the working team, which a manager should do, regardless.
But she might be overcompensating regardless of your behavior because of her own issues..it might have nothing to do with you.

Have you actually spoken to her about any of this?
CatMinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2018, 11:10 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 15,077
Well she is no longer your best friend but your superior. I would suggest you get over it and just do your job. As long as she doesn't withhold your paycheck you'll be fine. It's best never to mix work with your personal life anyway. Find friends outside of your work.
stillafool is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2018, 2:09 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 19,272
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daaanz View Post
I haven’t come in and tried to act over familiar at all, I’ve just come in and got my head down and got on with my work. I don’t have a problem with her not treating me as a favourite, I would never expect her to and wouldn’t want to be put in that position myself, as I know it would turn others against her. My problem is I am not being treated as equal to the other girls, being left out, ignored etc by my supposed best friend. Starting a new job is never easy but she is trying to make sure I am not included in anything. Maybe she doesn’t people to know we are friends, but right now she’s isn’t even making me feel part of the working team, which a manager should do, regardless.
Have you mentioned to any of the workers that you are friends or told then anything like "Oh, I've been working with her a long time, she doesn't care about this and that?"

The answer is still the same. She can't show favoritism and have people feeling bad about that.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2018, 2:12 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Have you mentioned to any of the workers that you are friends or told then anything like "Oh, I've been working with her a long time, she doesn't care about this and that?"

The answer is still the same. She can't show favoritism and have people feeling bad about that.
No, why would I say anything like that about her to anyone else. Sheís my best friend?
Daaanz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2018, 3:47 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
Well she is no longer your best friend but your superior. I would suggest you get over it and just do your job. As long as she doesn't withhold your paycheck you'll be fine. It's best never to mix work with your personal life anyway. Find friends outside of your work.
Disagree completely..Iíve met plenty of friends through work. As long as it doesnít affect my performance or theirs, I see no problem at all with socializing with coworkers. I donít know anyone in my real life who feels the way you do about it..I know I would get pretty lonely if I had nobody to chat or have lunch with occasionally at my job. We go out for drinks on fridays about once a month too.

I canít imagine what kind of cold and unfriendly work environment would discourage teamwork like that.
CatMinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2018, 8:56 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 19,272
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daaanz View Post
No, why would I say anything like that about her to anyone else. Sheís my best friend?
I just reread earlier posts and I see where you said "everybody knows we're best friends." I think you can assume this has become a problem, whether it was before or not.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th March 2018, 5:05 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
I just reread earlier posts and I see where you said "everybody knows we're best friends." I think you can assume this has become a problem, whether it was before or not.
Thatís not the problem. She is happy to come and stand at my desk for ages and just chat to me, which she does not to with anyone else. So if people knowing we were friends was the issue, she wouldnít do that. Everyone knows we are close but that isnít the problem. The issue is that she hates anyone else talking to me and doesnít want the other girls to include me in things.
Daaanz is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Why was my male friend acting strange? HansonGirl Friends and Lovers 7 13th September 2015 11:23 PM
Friend acting strange - is it something I done 2011 Friendship 10 5th July 2015 6:18 AM
Guy friend acting strange CarlaKxx Friends and Lovers 5 6th March 2011 9:54 PM
my friend acting strange sweetjoi Friends and Lovers 3 1st June 2010 11:01 AM
Close male friend acting very strange and cruel! kiki30 Friendship 19 15th September 2008 2:52 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:21 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.