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Another Friendzone question for the pile


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 7th March 2018, 7:22 AM   #1
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Another Friendzone question for the pile

The friendzone thing has been a chronic issue for me. I'm a guy, but I tend to naturally make friends with women much easier than men. I've had maybe 2-3 close guy friends my whole like but many female friends and acquaintances. When I hang out with friends, it is usually with a group of female friends or female coworkers. I have never really dated, so that adds to the problem. I married my first GF which lasted 20+ years, so not only am I rusty, I never really had a lot of experience in trying to date to begin with.

My issue is this... I was raised to believe that to pursue a woman, you first become friends and after awhile the relationship grows. Both individuals eventually develop feelings for each other, which eventually leads to dating, and eventually a LTR. Of course, that is not reality. Sure some people do develop relationship that way, but it seems the majority of people do not. I have always tried to do it this way, but the end result is always being friendzoned long before I'm even sure I was interested in the person to begin with.

I think most people just ask out strangers or acquaintances they do not know well based on attractiveness, and then see what happens. I guess I'm just not comfortable with that approach, but seems like it is the only way to possibly avoid the friendzone. Someone please set me straight. Friendzone is killing me.
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:25 AM   #2
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You do need a foundation to develop a lasting relationship but try remembering that a date is just a vehicle for getting to know someone.

Instead of just hanging out with all these women & getting friendzoned, pick one you think is attractive & ask her on a date. The classics -- like dinner & a movie are fine. During your time together on the date, break the touch barrier. . . hold hands etc. If the vibe is right enjoy a kiss good night.

It's restrained but demonstrates clear romantic interest & will keep you out of the friend zone but will not be you forcing the issue. You can take your time to get to know each other but you do it in a setting that makes it clear that you interests are not platonic.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:15 PM   #3
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I agree with ^^. See, the problem is you seem to be looking to get to know her so well that you're ready to get married before you even go on a real date and do what people dating do, which is make a physical move to clue her in that you are interested romantically.

Women who get used to you as "just a friend" soon are talking to you like a girlfriend or brother instead of a lover and that's the end of that. Plus if they find out way late you were actually wanting romance the whole time but didn't even kiss them, 1) makes you look like a coward and 2) they'll be mad because they entrusted their friendship in you and told you things you tell friends instead of potential lovers which can put them in a position of being embarrassed about it or wondering and fearing if you've been working behind their backs to run off other men or if because they've told you for example their dream man, you're just pretending to be that guy now. In other words, if you're not forward about showing her you want a physical romance with her, she can't trust you anymore.
But mainly, they now think of you more as a brother and it isn't going to happen.

So stay within the convention of dating and do what Donnivain says up there and start the touching. Just because you date and put your arm around her or kiss her at the end of the night doesn't mean you have to marry her. You can always back out. That's dating. Seeing if it goes somewhere.
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:25 PM   #4
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Hey! Thanks for sharing your here! Dating can be hard for many of us! I did not have an easy way into it either. I development my relationship with my wife through friendship. But my friendship with her was intentionally romantic. She knew from the day that we had our first coffee at college that I liked her. Have a purpose in mind when you start a relationship with someone that you find attractive like Donnivain said! Ask her on a date and show her that you like her. Be willing to be a friend if the romance does not work but always act on purpose so there is no confusion. That way, if she is not interested, she will let you know quickly and you can decide if you want to be friends or move on. My wife and I dated for 3 years before getting married and, for a whole year, we talked about every single topic that was interesting for both of us and got to know each other very well. We have been happily married for 15 years. Being friends is extremely important! You can build friendship and emotional intimacy while driving your relationship in a purposeful way! Hope this helps my friend! Keep moving forward!
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Old 8th March 2018, 5:57 AM   #5
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See, the problem is you seem to be looking to get to know her so well that you're ready to get married before you even go on a real date and do what people dating do.
I wouldn't say I'm wanting to get to know the girl THAT well before making a move, but my instinct is to try and figure out if there is any interest or compatibility before making a move. Sounds like I'm just doing it backwards.
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Old 8th March 2018, 6:02 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Aiuta le mani View Post
She knew from the day that we had our first coffee at college that I liked her.
So, did you just walk to her as a total stranger and ask her to get a coffee with you?

That is the impression I get of what dating is now. Maybe I'm wrong. If this is how people date, I think it would be hard for me to get comfortable asking complete strangers out.
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Old 8th March 2018, 6:08 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Instead of just hanging out with all these women & getting friendzoned, pick one you think is attractive & ask her on a date. The classics -- like dinner & a movie are fine. During your time together on the date, break the touch barrier. . . hold hands etc. If the vibe is right enjoy a kiss good night.
I agree that this would be a good way to do things, but the friendzone issue seems to come on pretty quick. It doesn't seem to take very long at all for women to get a " big brother or BFF" vibe towards me. It's a struggle.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:05 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Contrariwise View Post
I wouldn't say I'm wanting to get to know the girl THAT well before making a move, but my instinct is to try and figure out if there is any interest or compatibility before making a move. Sounds like I'm just doing it backwards.

Exactly. I can't imagine that the friendzone thing happens upon meeting. If you ask for the date the 2nd or 3rd time to see them, you should be able to prevent that problem.

A date is simply the designated time to get to know someone.
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Old 8th March 2018, 12:20 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Contrariwise View Post
I agree that this would be a good way to do things, but the friendzone issue seems to come on pretty quick. It doesn't seem to take very long at all for women to get a " big brother or BFF" vibe towards me. It's a struggle.
In my opinion you need to mentally commit to being a pursuer rather than a platonic friend. You need to set a goal that with the next woman you meet you will see her ONLY in romantic terms. You need to commit that next time a woman says she wants to be friends, you will immediately tell her you are romantically interested and therefore hanging out as friends would be frustrating for you and you hope she understands. Then you move on to the next one.

This one's in your court IMHO. All the best.
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Old 12th March 2018, 9:54 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Contrariwise View Post
So, did you just walk to her as a total stranger and ask her to get a coffee with you?

That is the impression I get of what dating is now. Maybe I'm wrong. If this is how people date, I think it would be hard for me to get comfortable asking complete strangers out.
It was easier for me to ask her because we were classmates at college and I started having conversations with her during class breaks. I just looked for a moment that did not feel forced and asked: Are you going to the cafeteria? do you mind if I go with you?
I understand your point about approaching a complete stranger but there is always a way to start a conversation or walk up to someone in a more casual way. I am sure that, when you look around and find someone attractive, you do it in your social environments that you are in first (work, school, church, places that you frequently attend) and in these places, you will be able to find some kind of connection with people that will open the door for casual conversation. Take those moments and use them to get to know little things about someone and then, make a move with your goal in mind!
Hope this helps my friend!
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Old 12th March 2018, 8:44 PM   #11
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I wouldn't say I'm wanting to get to know the girl THAT well before making a move, but my instinct is to try and figure out if there is any interest or compatibility before making a move. Sounds like I'm just doing it backwards.
I think you're right. You should be pursuing someone as a romantic interest first - in terms of actually developing interest and working out compatibility, that is exactly what the first few dates are for. If interest is lacking, and you can't see yourself being compatible, you don't go on any more dates with that person. If there's something there, you keep pursuing.

I get that you feel like you should get to know the girl first before pursuing a relationship, but for a lot of people that usually happens alongside developing feelings. If you're trying to date someone and the "friendship" element (for lack of a better word) isn't working, the rest will just fall apart.
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Old 23rd March 2018, 7:17 AM   #12
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