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Do I tell him how I feel, or keep my peace?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 20th December 2017, 12:14 PM   #1
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The friend who's showing weird behavior? Did he develop feelings?

I'm not sure if this thread belongs here, or what, so feel free to move it mods if necessary.

Backstory: I knew this man 3.5 years ago, was really into him for a month, thought it was mutual, we texted every day, then he moved away and didn't even stop to say goodbye on his drive. We stopped talking. Then a couple months later, he resurfaced, apologized for his behavior, and I was dumb enough to give him another chance (i'm not sure what the point was). A month or so after that, we hung out (all of this was at a distance), kissed, and the next day he told me he quote "felt nothing". Naturally, as I really liked him, my 22 year old self was devastated and cut all contact. I deleted him on all social media, and his phone number.

I'd periodically hear from him, for the next couple years (ie, a get a text from a strange phone number, or a fb message wishing me happy thanksgiving last year and hoping I was well).

During this time, he apparently met a girl and proceeded to have a relationship for a year and a half, and I had my own things going. Fast forward to this fall. In October, while drunk after a night out, I was adding people on the app snapchat, and saw his old contact was still in there, so I re-added him. I regretted it the next day. He snapped me the next morning, asking how I was, etc etc. Somehow this slowly has turned into us talking every day for the last 48 (according to the counter mechanism on snapchat, it lets me know this). Initially I didn't really think much of it, I'm not interested, he screwed me over in the past. He claims he's grown and changed a lot as a person in the last 3 years, but we all know people don't really change (He was 26 then, he's about to turn 30 now).

But he's started exhibiting weird behaviors. In the last few weeks, he's started asking me how my day is. He texts me in the morning when he gets up, and at night when he goes to bed. And he's started remembering things I tell him
--Ie, I told him about a trip I want to take, and he's been tagging me in fb posts related to it. He's also started remembering things i like, and tagging me in posts like that too. He's also started remembering dates--I told him about a huge meteor shower I was planning to watch, and he tried to find a way to come visit for that date so I wouldn't have to watch it alone. He's also made comments that he would take me out if I lived closer, and if I end up back in the region where he lives (several of the programs I'm applying to are there), "all bets are off" on taking me on a date.
He's told me me quote "I enjoy talking to you, I genuinely care how your day is going, and I'm more open and honest with you than i've been with anyone in my life."

Conversely, he still goes on dates, and I know he's on date #5 with this one girl. We talk about everything.

I haven't really given it too much thought until last night. He called me, for no reason, and we talked for over an hour.

I'm now sitting here puzzled. Did this guy develop feelings?
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Old 20th December 2017, 2:11 PM   #2
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He's putting his feelers out to see if you would be available. If you don't give him any comments or signals, he's not going to ask you out.
Guys are different...they like to play out their options regardless of them "dating someone. If something better comes along, the will go after that, and dump their date.

The only way to find out is to be bold and straight out ask him what he is doing, why he is doing it...what is his deal. He is the only one that can really tell you for sure.
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Old 20th December 2017, 4:19 PM   #3
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The only way to find out is to be bold and straight out ask him what he is doing, why he is doing it...what is his deal. He is the only one that can really tell you for sure.
I called him out on it last weekend, quote, "It may be just the margarita, but if I didn't know better, it's like you like me!" His response was to brush it off and say, "That's the tequila talking!"
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Old 20th December 2017, 4:22 PM   #4
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That's not calling him out on it. You need to point out the fact he acts like he's interested and it's confusing you. The interaction his is having with you is getting a little too cozy for "Just friends".
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Old 20th December 2017, 4:58 PM   #5
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That's not calling him out on it. You need to point out the fact he acts like he's interested and it's confusing you. The interaction his is having with you is getting a little too cozy for "Just friends".
I was fine until the phone call last night. Men don't generally call me at midnight their time, to talk about nothing sexual for an hour, while they lay in bed, unless they're interested.
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:59 AM   #6
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People do change. Men mature on a slower pace than women. It doesn't surprise me that at 30 he seems ready, while at 26, he was not. You were a bright spot in his life at one point. I wouldn't put too much into this yet, though, as you live far from each other and he's mostly building up a fantasy based on memories, and there isn't a lot of reality. Plus, maintaining a LDR is not easy and possibly not anything you want.

Personally, if I lived in the area, I would give it a go. Of course, "a leopard doesn't change his spots" is something to consider based on past behaviors, and there's really no way of knowing you have any compatibility in real life. It's hard to let these things go as having been on the receiving end. He's had LTRs, or at least one, so he's learned a few things, made a few mistakes, and is hopefully is a better man for it.

He sounds like he's interested in you, but at the same time, not living near each other, not possible. You can ride this out. I would avoid any romantic talk or relationship talk unless you want to give this LDR thing a go, which means the dating stops or you both agree you'll continue to see other people...I don't know how that would work, TBH.

He didn't "feel anything" back then. Was he protecting himself? Dating someone else? Didn't really feel the chemistry? Who knows. But right now he certainly seems interested, but of course I go back to having feelings for a fantasy and not the real person who didn't do it for him in the past, twice. You can see how this plays out, but proceed with caution. The third time may be no different than the first two, and I guess upon the demise of round three...don't do it again.
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Old 21st December 2017, 4:59 PM   #7
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People do change. Men mature on a slower pace than women. It doesn't surprise me that at 30 he seems ready, while at 26, he was not. You were a bright spot in his life at one point. I wouldn't put too much into this yet, though, as you live far from each other and he's mostly building up a fantasy based on memories, and there isn't a lot of reality. Plus, maintaining a LDR is not easy and possibly not anything you want.

Personally, if I lived in the area, I would give it a go. Of course, "a leopard doesn't change his spots" is something to consider based on past behaviors, and there's really no way of knowing you have any compatibility in real life. It's hard to let these things go as having been on the receiving end. He's had LTRs, or at least one, so he's learned a few things, made a few mistakes, and is hopefully is a better man for it.

He sounds like he's interested in you, but at the same time, not living near each other, not possible. You can ride this out. I would avoid any romantic talk or relationship talk unless you want to give this LDR thing a go, which means the dating stops or you both agree you'll continue to see other people...I don't know how that would work, TBH.

He didn't "feel anything" back then. Was he protecting himself? Dating someone else? Didn't really feel the chemistry? Who knows. But right now he certainly seems interested, but of course I go back to having feelings for a fantasy and not the real person who didn't do it for him in the past, twice. You can see how this plays out, but proceed with caution. The third time may be no different than the first two, and I guess upon the demise of round three...don't do it again.
He's an airline pilot.Which changes his perspective on travel just a bit.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 9:16 PM   #8
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You are in the friend zone. However, he's implied this wouldn't be the case in a different situation. (if you lived closer, etc). So yes he likes you, but you are still in the friend zone because he tells you everything about his love life. If you are okay with that, carry on usual.

Another option is to just ask him... Do we want to pursue this as something, or remain friends?

It's never fun if you have feelings for someone and have to listen to everything about their girlfriend /boyfriend. And the more serious they get, the less he will be able to make time for you. If that thought bothers you, ask him the above question.

Your feelings aside, he does need to know he's giving mixed signals and especially since he's seeing someone, that's a cue to clear up what the heck is going on here. It's ok to be friends if he has a girlfriend but it's not okay on his part to say romantic things to you at the same time. If he wants to be only your friend, his behavior should be much less flirtatious. Does he want platonic or romantic? Which ever it is, his behavior needs to reflect that. He can't have both.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 7:23 PM   #9
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He goes on a lot of dates, so presumably, he knows how to ask you out on one if he wants to date you. I lean more toward 1) he's looking for a no-date string-free sex partner or 2) he likes you as a friend. I mean, that "I felt nothing" was harsh enough to where I wouldn't care WHAT he wanted now.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 7:45 PM   #10
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that "I felt nothing" was harsh enough to where I wouldn't care WHAT he wanted now.
I've felt this way for years about him and the whole subject, until recently.
Since the last time i've posted, he asked for my phone number, and texts me all day every day (presumably, he's not SO bored he doesn't have matches or dates or booty calls he could text?) He made a comment on Sunday that if I lived closer he would like to take me on a date, because he likes me.
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Old 5th January 2018, 10:13 PM   #11
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Well, finally he's talking about date at least. Although he isn't going to any trouble or any distance for it, which is a lukewarm sign. Hope you at least get to date and see if he's all he's cracked up to be.
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:52 PM   #12
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Since the last post, we continue to talk every day. He facetime called me unexpectedly last week and we talked for an hour as well.
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Old 16th January 2018, 8:13 PM   #13
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How far away is he? Also, you may be taking his comment about more honest with you than any other girl as a compliment, but don't lose the actual text of it, which is he hasn't been very honest with women. He may only be more honest with you because of the distance. So be careful with this guy. He's already been kind of disrespectful.
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Old 19th January 2018, 7:06 PM   #14
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How far away is he?
He's 1700ish miles away. But he's also an airline pilot, and if he wanted to come visit...he could do so at basically no cost or hassle.

His dating life seems to have continued--he's still going on dates with the same girl, but they haven't done the deed, nor are they exclusive, and when I ask how things are, he says they only small talk or talk to plan the next date (if you're on date like 12 with someone...why is that happening?).

We were having a discussion about something unrelated the other night and he told me i'm apparently the only person he talks to every single day.
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Old 19th January 2018, 7:48 PM   #15
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I have to agree with LilySun on this one. I'm getting a strong friend zone vibe here. He told you he felt nothing the day after you kissed, and when you recently told him you sensed he was interested he told you were wrong.

In addition to that, you have noticed that he doesn't try anything sexual with you when he contacts you (even late at night when you would expect that sort of thing) which indicates that you are fulfilling a companionship role in his life as a friend, not a potential mate.

He is single so it is not hard to understand why he likes to have someone he can connect with in that way, while he continues dating and sleeping with other women. It works out great for him, all basis are covered so there is no need to feel lonely.

I'm more concerned about what it is doing to you. You are investing your time and energy in him now, and I can see why it would give you the wrong impression, but you have to try and look at the big picture. If a guy isn't initiating anything romantic or sexual with you, it is unlikely that it is going to turn into a relationship.

If your needs are being met, that's great. However, if you want more than that, I think you are probably wasting your time. You don't want to start wondering why you are not good enough, so be careful.

Besides, as nice as it is to have companionship, it is always more fun to invest your time in a guy who you know is 100% into you.

Last edited by Scarlett.O'hara; 19th January 2018 at 7:50 PM..
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