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Need your input on how to decipher an ex's behavior


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 11th February 2018, 10:02 PM   #1
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Need your input on how to decipher an ex's behavior

Hi everyone, I've been struggling with this for a few months now. Guess it's time I post on here to seek the wisdom of all lovely loveshack people. Thank you in advance!

Background: My ex and I dated for a year and a half. This guy is the one I considered the love of my life and my soulmate. I've never loved anyone the way I loved him. It was a very intense and passionate relationship. However, we ended in July 2012 due to clashes in personalities and conflicts. No cheating involved. He was the one who initiated the breakup. I was very heart-broken in the beginning but later realized it was for the best. After the breakup, he insisted on being friends and staying in touch. Being so hurt, I refused and asked him to never contact me again. I unfriended him on fb.

I still check his facebook from time to time and know that he got married in 2014. By the look of it, it seems he is happy and I'm happy for him too. Fast forward to the end of 2017, I know I'm completedly healed and over him and would love to be friends with him again, so I sent him a friend request and also messaged him asking him how he's doing and saying I want us to be friends, etc. I saw that he read it but no reply. A day after, I texted him again, telling him that it's okay if he doesn't want to talk now, that he's the love of my life, how much he mean to me but I also say I know we're not compatible as a couple but I care about him a lot. if one day he ever needs me again in his life (not dating of course, but as a friend), i will be there. And again, no reply from him.

I'm perplexed. I mean I don't have any agenda. I just genuinely want to be his friend again. I no longer have romantic feelings for him but I truly like him as a person and I would love to stay it touch. After all, we have a lot in common and would have a lot to talk about. Anyway, my question is what could possibly his line of thinking?
- He wants nothing do with me
- He still have feelings for me so he doesn't want to be my friend because he doesn't want to hurt his wife?
I can't think of anything else. I mean even if he doesn't want me in his life again, why can't he be civil enough to tell that to my face instead of ignoring me completely like that? I'm a bit shocked. I used to have huge respect for him. But after this "silent treatment", I'm not sure. I don't need him to take me back into him life. Just need him to treat me like a person, not a ghost. I'm still shocked. After all, I'm the one he used to date for more than a year, not a one night stand or a stranger. pls, help me decipher what could be going on in his mind??

And to make it clear, I would like to stress again that I'm not hurt at all by his behavior because I respect his choice of not wanting me in his life again. I'm only shocked because he chose to ignore me completely and didn't have the courtesy respond to me. I mean this shed a completely new light on him. Now I really think I don't know him at all.
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Old 11th February 2018, 10:11 PM   #2
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Lilacwine, you told another woman's husband that he's the "love of your life". That was beyond inappropriate and completely disrespectful to his wife. It would certainly explain him not giving you any response at all.

At any rate, it seems he's moved on. He's got a wife now and I'm sure he has plenty of friends.
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Old 11th February 2018, 10:21 PM   #3
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What she said. He's moved on. Most guys don't really want to be just friends with their exes, and once they find someone they're happy with, are done.
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Old 11th February 2018, 10:26 PM   #4
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Staying friends with exes is never a good idea. He knows that too and heís married now. Just walk away because the time has passed for being friends.

You never truly know someone until a breakup. That being said, it does sound like you are still caught up in some way. It shouldnít be that shocking or have you struggling for months thinking about this. Acknowledge that it hurt your feelings that he didnít respond to you and move on.
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Old 11th February 2018, 11:00 PM   #5
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Thank you for your responses. I know he's moved on. I already said in my original post. I don't need him to be my friend again if he chose not to. I just don't understand his silence. That's all. Why can't he just tell me that he's sorry he doesn't want to be friend, or sth along that line?
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Old 11th February 2018, 11:04 PM   #6
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Because it's easier to ignore the message.
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Old 11th February 2018, 11:11 PM   #7
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You asked him to never contact you again. I would imagine at that point he decided to respect your decision so cut you out of his life completely forever.

That coupled with the fact that you reemerged telling him he's the love of your life are two very significant seemingly conflicting facts in this.

Put yourself in his shoes. After the break up he tells you never to contact him again. You move on and get married and awhile later seemingly out of the blue get a message from him telling you that you're the love of his life.
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Old 11th February 2018, 11:24 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LivingWaterPlease View Post
You asked him to never contact you again. I would imagine at that point he decided to respect your decision so cut you out of his life completely forever.

That coupled with the fact that you reemerged telling him he's the love of your life are two very significant seemingly conflicting facts in this.

Put yourself in his shoes. After the break up he tells you never to contact him again. You move on and get married and awhile later seemingly out of the blue get a message from him telling you that you're the love of his life.
I understand your logic. But these two events happened within a gap of 5 YEARS, not 5 weeks....
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Old 12th February 2018, 12:16 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by lilacwine View Post
I understand your logic. But these two events happened within a gap of 5 YEARS, not 5 weeks....
Right, which to me, actually makes it more of a contrast in reality than had it happened within a five-week-period.
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Old 13th February 2018, 4:53 AM   #10
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Given that you feel he is the love of your life I don't think a friendship is appropriate and it was uncool to tell him that now.

Also you are coming across a little arrogant and egotistical here. Almost six years ago you told him to get lost, to never contact you again. He respected your wishes and left you alone. Now all these years later you decide that you are going to enter his life again and that he damn well better respond.

He doesn't owe you anything. No response is a response. He isn't interested in being friends. Every couple has to navigate their opposite sex friendships and come to an agreement on what friends are or are not acceptable. For many couples friends with exes is a hard no, especially friends with exes who believe that they are the love of their life.
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Old 13th February 2018, 8:28 AM   #11
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Love of your life

lilacwine,

Why did you call him the "love of your life" five and a half years after the breakup? Setting other factors aside, from the average guy's perspective, these words would make him worry that he has a psycho ex problem. I mean, he hasn't heard from you in forever, and instead of you writing and saying something like "wondering how you're doing" or "I miss hearing from you" or "I'm sorry I cut you off like that", you say "YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!". It makes it sound like you have been sitting in a dark basement for five years stroking a lock of his hair and repeating his name over and over. He will not want you to start stalking him, so of course he freezes and says nothing. Anything could be misconstrued in that context. I think that's the reason he is not replying, rather than it being disrespectful to his wife.

So, why was it important to you to say exactly those words to him?
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Old 23rd February 2018, 8:37 PM   #12
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In addition to what everyone else has said, it is possible that his wife saw your text and that it caused significant trouble for him. If that happened, that would be a terrible consequence of your sudden need to reach out to him. For his and his wife's sake, I hope that she didn't see it. It would be a very bad idea to contact him again.
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Old 24th February 2018, 1:20 PM   #13
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There's no better way to stop being involved than to stop communicating. There is no clearer message.
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