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This new guy friend (whom I like) approached my table when I was having lunch with my friends/business partners. Since we have the same friends he engaged small talk with them while standing at the back of my chair, massaging my shoulders.The "massage" i think lasted for 5 mississippis. He then moved to the other end of the table; exchanged more pleasantries to the other group, and then he came back to our end "massaged" my shoulders again, engaged into more small talk, and then he left. What does that mean? Does he like me?

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todreaminblue

thats awkward...and i would consider that he did really like you and was rather bold...almost territorial..do you like him?..what was the ratio of men to women sitting at the table....was he touchy feely with any other women at the table or just you...i would hazard a guess he does like you .....if it were a quick shoulder squeeze or two that is different...thats acknowledging friendship and most likely he would do it to everyone...coming back and doing it again....he di dthat to make sure you didnt miss the first one...lol..i actually dont know really...it would make me extremely curious.... how do you feel about him and has he shown any other signs of interest............deb

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phoenix7,

I don't know what you mean by '5 mississippis' but one thing is certain, you need to tighten up your boundaries.

 

His behaviour is totally out of order and you should have called him out on it.

 

He's very subtley disrespecting you.

 

He's shown you that he's not afraid to push your boundaries or even bust right through them.

 

This guy is bad news and he's already shown you that.

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thats awkward...and i would consider that he did really like you and was rather bold...almost territorial..do you like him?..what was the ratio of men to women sitting at the table....was he touchy feely with any other women at the table or just you...i would hazard a guess he does like you .....if it were a quick shoulder squeeze or two that is different...thats acknowledging friendship and most likely he would do it to everyone...coming back and doing it again....he di dthat to make sure you didnt miss the first one...lol..i actually dont know really...it would make me extremely curious.... how do you feel about him and has he shown any other signs of interest............deb

yes, i actually have a crush on him. I also used to think he felt the same way about me too but he is running hot and cold towards me. But mind you we just met 3 months ago and we don't really see or communicate with each other everyday. Maybe he is still being cautious...? I was quite surprised because I didn't expect it from him, he used to keep his distance from me.

Nope, he was only touchy-feely with me. right after that lunch i noticed that he became more comfortable around me. He even commented on my pic in social media that night. that was the first time he commented ever since he followed me months ago.

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He is a nice guy actually. I used to think he has a crush on me but he would act rather standofish at times. I was just surprised with his actions because he is not like that wih me.

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phoenix7,

 

He is a nice guy actually.

 

No he isn't.

 

He touches you in a pseudo-sexual way without invitation, and you let him?

 

Beware.

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OP, you don't give your location. USA? Not that it matter, I think, but highly inappropriate, IMO. Lunch with "business partners?" If you two were at a party and the alcohol was flowing and he came into a conversation and touched your shoulder or back, even that is a BIG maybe. But at lunch with business partners he walks up and rubs your shoulders for five seconds? CREEPY! Maybe we need more context? In a restaurant near work on a weekday? A cafeteria?

 

As far as does he like you, it seems the answer to that is yes.

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Yes he likes you.

 

However, since you were at lunch with business colleagues his behavior was totally inappropriate. It actually demeaned you in front of others & reduced you from an equal to a sexual conquest. His timing could not have been more horrible or disrespectful. Lunch at work is no place to express sexual desire.

 

The man is either clueless or real trouble. The fact that you are not totally pissed at this guy is also troubling.

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I hope I'm not thread-jacking, but I hope someone can explain to me why the shoulder massage is such a big deal. I don't give them to women at work myself, so I haven't experienced any reactions firsthand. However, I've received shoulder massages in the office from well over a dozen women over the years... Almost always before they ask for an IT-related favor, usually new equipment.

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It's overly friendly & too much touching for a work setting. I have no problem with such interactions outside work. In my office, just no.

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It's tacky, gender irrelevant, especially being unsolicited. Let's be honest, is this guy giving massages to his male coworkers?

 

His behavior was inappropriate and unprofessional, imo, and might make you the subject of office gossip. Since he's apparently not shy, he easily could ask you out.

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How is this even a question? Touching is almost never appropriate in the workplace. The only exceptions I can think of are celebratory hugs or posing for pictures at happy hour, or something along those lines. Do people really not understand why you shouldn't put your hands on your coworkers?

 

The context described by OP is particularly egregious: it's aggressive, it's demeaning, and it's humiliating. Now all her coworkers see her as someone who can be literally (or figuratively) manhandled. It puts her "beneath" her coworkers. I would have marched into the HR office that instant.

 

OP, I can tell you this right now - whatever his feelings, this is not somebody who respects you. Steer clear.

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How is this even a question? Touching is almost never appropriate in the workplace. The only exceptions I can think of are celebratory hugs or posing for pictures at happy hour, or something along those lines. Do people really not understand why you shouldn't put your hands on your coworkers?
I'm not being deliberately obtuse. I know why one shouldn't put your hands on your coworkers. However, what is written on paper (policies and guidelines) and what happens in practice are sometimes two different things. As someone who has received many shoulder massages over the years, it didn't seem like a big deal to me. I was surprised by the harshness of the reactions here, hence why I asked the question.
The context described by OP is particularly egregious: it's aggressive, it's demeaning, and it's humiliating.
I just don't perceive this situation this way. It's certainly a bit aggressive, but I don't see why it's demeaning or humiliating. I certainly never felt demeaned or humiliated when receiving a shoulder massage.
OP, I can tell you this right now - whatever his feelings, this is not somebody who respects you. Steer clear.
This also seems like a stretch to me. I fail to see connection between his actions and respect or lack thereof.
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todreaminblue
It's overly friendly & too much touching for a work setting. I have no problem with such interactions outside work. In my office, just no.

 

 

they werent in the office i believe donnivain...deb

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todreaminblue
yes, i actually have a crush on him. I also used to think he felt the same way about me too but he is running hot and cold towards me. But mind you we just met 3 months ago and we don't really see or communicate with each other everyday. Maybe he is still being cautious...? I was quite surprised because I didn't expect it from him, he used to keep his distance from me.

Nope, he was only touchy-feely with me. right after that lunch i noticed that he became more comfortable around me. He even commented on my pic in social media that night. that was the first time he commented ever since he followed me months ago.

 

I do believe he likes you gathered from what you have written....maybe the shoulder massage was inappropriate and for some if they weren't attracted might find it creepy....but the fact remains you like the guy.....you are after advice whether he likes you or not so yes i think he does....i dont feel it will be too long before he makes a move anyway....as i posted earlier its a pretty bold move....personally i would find it awkward....i wouldnt see it as sexual harassment but inappropriate.I would talk to the guy in private.....Maybe the reason why he did it publicly in front of everyone is to avoid such a label of harassment...seems its all the rage lately....he looked at me too long, he touched my shoulder, he told an inappropriate joke....i feel that its become a case of women heading straight for the sexual harrassment line instead of facing off and saying back off buster or ill do something about it.like i will chop your hand off or ILL chemically castrate you....always said in private of course sweetly and gently....like only a woman can..softeness is not weakness........most guys would back off....well they have with me....they belevee me i think....i wouldnt do it....well...:0)

 

you enjoyed his attention?...dont worry i feel he will make a move .....he isnt afraid....or seeming to be stand offish..make sure the guy is single before entertaining getting closer to him..........i wish you well.....deb.....

 

 

....

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What he did was totally inappropriate. His goal was likely more to show off in front of the others at the table than to be nice to you. It was very disrespectful and made you look like an idiot for enjoying it. Sorry, but you need to recognize blatant disrespect when you see it. He just put his hands on you in front of your business colleagues. Gross.

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they werent in the office i believe donnivain...deb

 

 

Still she was with work colleagues at LUNCH so I assumed this was during the work day. At a party or something, maybe this might be OK but in that setting it was not.

 

 

In this environment because too many people don't where the lines are you are better off never touching a work colleague.

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They were with work colleagues. Doesn't matter where. He was marking his territory just to show off and make them think he was a stud.

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I hope I'm not thread-jacking, but I hope someone can explain to me why the shoulder massage is such a big deal. I don't give them to women at work myself, so I haven't experienced any reactions firsthand. However, I've received shoulder massages in the office from well over a dozen women over the years... Almost always before they ask for an IT-related favor, usually new equipment.

This was not an appropriate situation simply because there is expected social etiquette at business lunches that this went against. How any business interacts behind closed doors is different than it's public front as formality is a natural spectrum; they're two separate dots on a long line. At least that's how most people look at it.

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This was not an appropriate situation simply because there is expected social etiquette at business lunches that this went against. How any business interacts behind closed doors is different than it's public front as formality is a natural spectrum; they're two separate dots on a long line. At least that's how most people look at it.
This makes a lot of sense. I hadn't considered the public location vs. the inside the office location.
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todreaminblue
Still she was with work colleagues at LUNCH so I assumed this was during the work day. At a party or something, maybe this might be OK but in that setting it was not.

 

 

In this environment because too many people don't where the lines are you are better off never touching a work colleague.

 

 

she was also with friends as well as work colleagues he engaged in small talk with the group as well as another group so im guessing the setting was actually not a formal one.....and they were also friends of his....

 

the question asked by op was not about the appropriateness of this guys actions but if the guy she has a crush on liked her or not and what the shoulder massage meant....or that is what i believe op wants to know....if the guy likes her or not....our judgment on the appropriateness or what th eguy should have done or not done.... doesnt really address the question that op asked.......deb

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she was also with friends as well as work colleagues he engaged in small talk with the group as well as another group so im guessing the setting was actually not a formal one.....and they were also friends of his....

 

the question asked by op was not about the appropriateness of this guys actions but if the guy she has a crush on liked her or not and what the shoulder massage meant....or that is what i believe op wants to know....if the guy likes her or not....our judgment on the appropriateness or what th eguy should have done or not done.... doesnt really address the question that op asked.......deb

 

I disagree. The setting and the propriety of it has a direct relationship to our assessing whether he's interested or not. Had this guy given her a shoulder massage in a group of friends, we might have said "ooh, sounds like he likes you!" As it is, he did it while surrounded by colleagues and singled her out as the only one to get this "treatment". That doesn't sound like romantic interest, it's an aggressive power move for all her coworkers to see, and one she wasn't in a place to refuse. I think he might be setting her up for an affair, but it doesn't seem like genuine romantic interest to me at all.

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This new guy friend (whom I like) approached my table when I was having lunch with my friends/business partners. Since we have the same friends he engaged small talk with them while standing at the back of my chair, massaging my shoulders.The "massage" i think lasted for 5 mississippis. He then moved to the other end of the table; exchanged more pleasantries to the other group, and then he came back to our end "massaged" my shoulders again, engaged into more small talk, and then he left. What does that mean? Does he like me?

Hi! To answer some of your queries, it was not in an office setting. It was the graduation of our manager’s son so he booked a private room in one of the restos in the city. The guy was not able to join us due to work conflicts but still he stopped by to pay his respects to our manager. And no, he is not married or dating anyone at the moment. I hope this helps.

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