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Feelings and FWBs


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 27th January 2018, 1:21 PM   #1
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Feelings and FWBs

I am a straight woman who is FWBs with my hot, younger male coworker. The sexual tension between us was out of control until we stayed late one night and the rest is history. We’ve hooked up regularly for three months. He says he is in an open relationship with his live- in girlfriend. As per their arrangement, he won’t tell her about me but if she finds out he won’t lie.

Lately he has been giving me really mixed signals. He will say he has seperation anxiety when he leaves me and he got tears in his eyes twice during sex. Last night we had a really bad night. I explained to him that I can’t do anything strenuous because I just had a dental bone graft but he wanted to come over anyway and said he would do all the work. So this is kind of awkward in the sense that I can’t really participate. Things seemed to be going OK but I had to adjust because my head was moving too much and I don’t want to get a dry socket. I guess he took it to mean I was in pain or wasn’t into it so he jumps up walks away and puts on his clothes. So of course I am upset that he’s upset. I try to talk to him about it but he kept telling me everything‘s fine when it clearly wasn’t. Then he starts saying to me that it’s OK if I don’t want to hook up with him anymore, because he has other woman who want to sleep with him and this is just a convenience. He said i couldn’t hurt him because he doesn’t put any emotions or feelings into this arrangement. That hurt my feelings. It’s not because I’m in love with him but because who the hell wants to be told they are disposable, even if it is true.

We talked about it a little but quite honestly I’m not OK with things. I deserve to be treated with respect because I try to treat him with respect. There’s a whole range of feelings between not giving a hoot and being in love with somebody. Of course I feel something. I’m not a freaking machine. I have to tread lightly because we work together but honestly, I can't make heads or tails of this.

Any insight is appreciated.
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Old 28th January 2018, 2:34 AM   #2
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Things seemed to be going OK but I had to adjust because my head was moving too much and I donít want to get a dry socket. I guess he took it to mean I was in pain or wasnít into it so he jumps up walks away and puts on his clothes. So of course I am upset that heís upset. I try to talk to him about it but he kept telling me everythingĎs fine when it clearly wasnít. Then he starts saying to me that itís OK if I donít want to hook up with him anymore, because he has other woman who want to sleep with him and this is just a convenience. He said i couldnít hurt him because he doesnít put any emotions or feelings into this arrangement.
Can you elaborate a bit more on what actually happened here? Why exactly did he jump out of bed and then start harshly rejecting you? Are you leaving something out?
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Old 28th January 2018, 6:46 AM   #3
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The only thing I didnít mention was before he did that he said ď you canít tell me youíre not in pain. ď
He often tells me I look like Iím in pain when we are having sex And I try to explain to him that these are just the faces I make. Iím really confused by his actions to o.
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Old 28th January 2018, 7:04 AM   #4
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Despite your pain & misgivings you were willing to have sex with him. When he stopped was he mad that you weren't more into it or was he trying not to hurt you? I'm a little fuzzy about why he got dressed. If he was concerned about hurting you, he should have cuddled. If he was mad because you weren't a more active participant, he is kind of a selfish pr*ck for not appreciating the fact that you tried despite your condition.

As amazing as the sexual chemistry may have been, genuine caring & humanitarianism seem to be missing. I would have a hard time being with some guy who is so selfish. Also despite him telling you his live in GF & him have an "open relationship", I wonder when she thinks he goes when he's with you.

All in all he sounds too selfish for me.
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Old 28th January 2018, 7:34 AM   #5
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He seemed more angry than concerned - he always asks if Iím hurting and I say no because itís the truth and I guess he felt like I was lying? I donít know why he thinks I would lie about something like that.

This jumping up and putting on clothes thing happened once before. Trying not to be too graphic but I had a bit of discharge that got in him and he flipped out. In this instance and the one that just happened I cried a little because I felt so rejected and hurt. Heís not like this 99% of the time so I guess I was willing to overlook it the first time, but this last time is really hard to shake. You are right - if he thought I was in pain he should have stopped and comforted me. Instead I was made to feel like I did something wrong when he knew the deal up front.

I really donít know what to do. I know it was a bad idea to hook up with a coworker but I did and need to tread lightly.
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Old 28th January 2018, 8:12 AM   #6
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He's feeling hurt and afraid you don't have warm feelings for him so he's lashing out and pretending he doesn't have feelings for you. If I was in your shoes I would confront him and say exactly that and tell him if you're going to be having sex you need honesty and transparency and not immature fronting and games.

Open relationships are pretty hard and, if they really have one, it's gonna crash and burn if that's his style of communication and dealing with his feelings.
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Old 28th January 2018, 9:49 AM   #7
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He's not a very kind person, IMO. I would end this. Be polite & professional at work but stop spending time with him outside of work
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Old 28th January 2018, 10:58 AM   #8
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I really appreciate the replies. I have a lot to think about - whether it is worth it to have a conversation about this or to just cut my losses and not pursue this anymore.
I don't know if this is relevant but he has a pretty messed up young life - didn't know his dad, mother not very nice and only contacts him when she wants money, was almost stabbed to death and was sexually abused by an older woman. He doesn't have an family per se except for an older half brother who found him when they were both in their 20s. I wonder if sometimes because I am older, if he looks to me for the nurturing he never had. This is why I have a soft spot for him and try to be understanding. At the same time, I don't want to be hurt.
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Old 28th January 2018, 11:05 AM   #9
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What're your ages?
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Old 28th January 2018, 11:44 AM   #10
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He is 29 and I am 42.
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Old 29th January 2018, 8:16 AM   #11
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I may be way off here, but he just sounds selfish. He insisted on coming over because HE wanted sex even though you told him it would be difficult due to your recent dental work. Then HE gets mad when you're not into it.
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Old 29th January 2018, 8:48 AM   #12
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I don't know why you let him come over when your mouth was hurting. You should have said no so he would know he isn't a priority over you. If he is a FWB I would treat him like one and not a boyfriend.
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Old 29th January 2018, 11:25 AM   #13
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I'd just cut losses with this one. He said if you don't want to have sex with him anymore, that's OK because he 'has other options'. I'd take him up on it. Be professional at work, but stop the out of hours stuff.

FWBs is quite tricky at the best of times. But, for me, the important part in the equation is the FRIENDS. And also just being a decent person. You treat the other person with respect regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. You would always be nice to your friends, why does it change when sex is involved?? I understand people trying to guard their feelings and stop things developing and not giving you the wrong idea but people don't have to be so callous. My last FWB started off pretty well but he started treating me like a FB and like a random woman he had zero respect for. I had no romantic feelings for him at any point but by the end, I didn't even like him as the friend I thought I had. Which was a shame. I should have stopped it well before that point, but that was my failing by then.
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Old 29th January 2018, 7:25 PM   #14
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I truly appreciate all the wonderful comments and advice. I saw him at work today and it was pretty chill. I was a little tense before I saw him but once I did I felt ok. I'm hoping this can just play out naturally.
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Old 29th January 2018, 9:54 PM   #15
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I may be way off here, but he just sounds selfish. He insisted on coming over because HE wanted sex even though you told him it would be difficult due to your recent dental work. Then HE gets mad when you're not into it.
Bingo.

and don't put much stock in him having tears in his eyes. A lot of guys are in love with sex and look that way. I fell for it too, and later realized he just had a lazy eye.
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