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Is there such thing as platonic love?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 9th January 2018, 10:28 AM   #1
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Is there such thing as platonic love?

I met him 7 years ago, through a group of common friends including my current boyfriend who Iíve been dating for 6 years now. Letís call this guy P. I found P attractive and there was flirting in the beginning, but nothing really developed. Soon after I started dating my bf.

Over the next few years the 3 of us grew to become close friends. P and my bf, P and I. But mostly P and I as he is not someone who opens up easily and I guess girls are more empathetic so a strong emotional bond was formed between us. He helped me get into the company he works for and we would see each other every day. For the past 4 years we would share everything from minor everyday details to embarrassing childhood stories to our darkest secrets. He is my best friend and at times I feel he understands me better than my other half. He would defend me by all means and tries hard to make me happy.

I have slept with many guys before and became infactuated easily, but with him I feel instead a longing to connect emotionally. One night he got too drunk to take care of himself and I would tuck him into my couch and kissed him on the cheeks (he didnít know). I dunno why at that moment my heart ached.

Heís dated on and off but never had a serious gf for the past few years. At times when I saw him texting other girls or dating someone new I would be very upset and I canít hide it. Iíd be angry at him for no reason and heíd make it up to me for no reason. Until end of last year he told me he met someone new and wanted to try and go out with her and see how things go. I got mad, and this time he confronted me.

He said heíd known how I feel all along. That he doesnít have a choice and he canít stay single forever and see me being with someone else. He said at the beginning he missed the chance to be with me, and now Iím with someone for so long and not to mention that someone is his close friend. He said his feelings have grown into a higher level, family like love. He doesnít get jealous seeing me with other guys but rather just concerned if Iím happy. He even dreamed about us having a wedding with our own loves on the same day at the same party. I asked if heís ever felt the same way I do for him, he said if we were to meet each other now then Iíd have been the one, but itís been so long now and we need to move on. He said that he wasnít into this girl yet but just intentionally telling me to try and solve our problem. He said that maybe it is fate, that Iíve entered his heart and he doesnít care about anyone easily, but heíd always treat me like his little sister.

My heart still aches. Is he just saying all these to spare my feelings, but to say that heís just not into me? Is there really such thing as platonic love like he said,
Is this the end and weíre never meant to be together ...? Am I just being a girl and thinking too much ..? Should I just accept the fact that heís just not into me and move on ...?
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Old 9th January 2018, 11:13 AM   #2
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Hi Unicorn123,

Yes, platonic love does exist! My friend and I have been in a platonic relationship for 8 years now and things are great! From the very beginning, weíve found each other attractive but both of us have been firm in keeping things platonic so the most thatís happened between us is a kiss on the forehead.

When my friend started dating her current husband I remember getting a bit jealous, just like what youíre feeling. But it wasnít hard for me to overcome because we had chosen to stay friends.

To be in a platonic relationship, both people need to know where the boundary lies and be strong enough to stay within it. I think your friend understands this but Iím not so sure about you. Why do you want him to be into you? Iím sure he loves you but do you want something more?
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Old 9th January 2018, 11:15 AM   #3
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Describe your feelings for your boyfriend. What's your relationship like?
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Old 9th January 2018, 11:26 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by FilterCoffee View Post
Hi Unicorn123,

Yes, platonic love does exist! My friend and I have been in a platonic relationship for 8 years now and things are great! From the very beginning, weíve found each other attractive but both of us have been firm in keeping things platonic so the most thatís happened between us is a kiss on the forehead.

When my friend started dating her current husband I remember getting a bit jealous, just like what youíre feeling. But it wasnít hard for me to overcome because we had chosen to stay friends.

To be in a platonic relationship, both people need to know where the boundary lies and be strong enough to stay within it. I think your friend understands this but Iím not so sure about you. Why do you want him to be into you? Iím sure he loves you but do you want something more?
Yes I do want something more, but Iím afraid. Iím afraid to break my bfís heart. Iím afraid P just doesnít feel that way about me. Even if he does, Iím afraid to put him in disgrace by having feelings for his friendís girl.
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Old 9th January 2018, 11:28 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Describe your feelings for your boyfriend. What's your relationship like?
We have a peaceful relationship. He adores me and takes good care of me, and is a good husband material. It would break my heart to break his heart but the chemistry is just not the same.
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Old 10th January 2018, 1:30 AM   #6
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Your boyfriend seems like a good guy. I personally donít think that chemistry is the most important factor when it comes to judging long term potential but to each his own. What do you think youíd lose if you ended your current relationship and what would you gain by starting one with your friend?
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Old 10th January 2018, 8:27 PM   #7
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...
He said heíd known how I feel all along. That he doesnít have a choice and he canít stay single forever and see me being with someone else. He said at the beginning he missed the chance to be with me, and now Iím with someone for so long and not to mention that someone is his close friend. He said his feelings have grown into a higher level, family like love. He doesnít get jealous seeing me with other guys but rather just concerned if Iím happy. He even dreamed about us having a wedding with our own loves on the same day at the same party. I asked if heís ever felt the same way I do for him, he said if we were to meet each other now then Iíd have been the one, but itís been so long now and we need to move on. He said that he wasnít into this girl yet but just intentionally telling me to try and solve our problem. He said that maybe it is fate, that Iíve entered his heart and he doesnít care about anyone easily, but heíd always treat me like his little sister.

My heart still aches. Is he just saying all these to spare my feelings, but to say that heís just not into me? Is there really such thing as platonic love like he said,
Is this the end and weíre never meant to be together ...? Am I just being a girl and thinking too much ..? Should I just accept the fact that heís just not into me and move on ...?
I get the feeling he's telling the full truth here. From his perspective, he doesn't want to break the two of you up and ruin a great friendship. He cares about you and ultimately wants to see you happy.

But, of course, he wants to get into a relationship of his own and you're feeling a bit possessive as you've got feelings for him.

What you need to ask yourself is what do you really want out of a relationship (that includes the type of chemistry), and whether everything is being met by your BF or whether that is more likely to be met by your friend. On top of that, whether it is worth all the problems that will arise in the friendship group.

"Platonic love" does exist, but I fear what you are feeling is pushing towards more romantic. He probably now feels something closer to pure platonic love. It's a tough situation with no clear answer so I can't help you much more than that, sorry.
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Old 11th January 2018, 10:57 AM   #8
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Thank you guys for the replies. They certainly help me gain more insight and courage to think about what I really want. Itís been 2 weeks since we had the talk now. He said he would help me cope with it slowly. Now he constantly checks in to make sure Iím feeling ok. We still hang out a lot for coffees and dinners like before. He seems drawn closer and more caring - I take it as a sign that since weíve opened up he gets more comfortable with the friendship. But what I donít get is he still openly admits it when people around joke about us being a couple. Weíd made each otherís phone contact names ďhubby and wifeyĒ for fun before and heís not evening changing it. How is that exactly helping me cope with it..? Am I wrong thinking that maybe he has some romantic feelings for me after all ..? I know sometimes people only see things hey want to see.. so it would help to hear it from othersí perspectives.
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Old 13th January 2018, 3:25 PM   #9
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Platonic friendship exists. I'm with male friends for longer than my boyfriend and my ex's and the chemistry is usually not the same.

I think that he's closer to you now because he may be helping you cope. If you don't feel comfortable with the jokes between you two, just tell him straight. And if you want to move on faster, try to look deeper into your bf's good side. Maybe you need to spend more time with him so you can appreciate him more.
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Old 13th January 2018, 4:34 PM   #10
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This is not platonic love, itís an emotional affair.
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Old 14th January 2018, 1:16 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SevenCity View Post
This is not platonic love, itís an emotional affair.
Yes. There is platonic love but it doesn't include discussing feelings for each other. My best friend is a guy. We care about each other's well-being and have friendship love for each other. But there is absolutely no desire for either of us to be more. It's a known thing that we don't even have to discuss. That is platonic love. What your describing is not platonic because there are emotions and feelings involved, that put strain on a friendship.
That aside, he wants you to be happy and wants to find his own happiness, and you don't want to break up with your BF. That should be all the answers you need.
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Old 14th January 2018, 2:03 PM   #12
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So, OP, does this long-extant platonic friend hang out with your BF and, say, go fishing or shoot or work on cars or etc?

I had a long-term platonic female best friend for many years and spent a lot of time either with her and her BF or even with her BF alone, mostly doing car stuff since that was a shared interest.

I was a friend of their relationship and was happy when they finally got married many years later.

The lady in question certainly was no bow wow, rather a quite lovely Asian gal who had a smoking hot body. However, there just wasn't any of that 'oomph' there that ignites sexual or romantic attraction. Platonic.

How does it go with you?
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Old 21st January 2018, 7:22 AM   #13
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He and my bf hang out a lot too and weíd often hang out altogether in a small group of close friends. My girl friend says she senses a weird vibe between us though when weíre altogether in a group, like he is constantly making jokes to make my bf jealous. Not sure if I was helping to create this ďweird vibeĒ.

Apart from that nothing was sexual between us. Iím a very open person and wouldnít be ashamed to make a move on someone normally but with him I never did. He is more reserved in that sense (he wouldnít even sleep with a girl unless the girl becomes his girlfriend officially) so no nothing would happen between us. Plus that would be the wrong thing to do.
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Old 21st January 2018, 7:31 AM   #14
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Thank you for all of your replies. Iím now inclined to the thought that I should just move on before hurting my bf further.

Itís just hard as I still see him every day at work. We still talk a lot. Heíd still flirt with me in some ways (verbally). I still think about him every second. Last week he told me heís asking out a girl for a date and asked if I was still upset. I didnít reply him as I didnít wanna lie it still breaks my heart. He said right now thereís no one he really likes but itís time he just needs to try harder to get into a serious relationship even if he isnít really in love.

Is this normal? It hurts to think that heíd rather be with someone he doesnít really like than to be with me. Or is he just lying to make me feel better? I think he might be trying to help me move on but can he really be doing so without leading me on?

What should I do ...?
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Old 21st January 2018, 7:53 AM   #15
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Hey Unicorn,

You need to either end your relationship with your bf or recommit to him by going no contact with the friend. Tough choices yes, but thatís what you need to do to get out of limboland.
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