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Curiosity will kill the cat ...


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 18th December 2017, 8:42 PM   #1
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Curiosity will kill the cat ...

I know that I’m single for too long when I start fantasizing too much about stuff that is out of the norm for me...

This guy and I work in different departments but when we meet we chat & laugh hard for way too long. He has one of these magnetic personalities that will take even a hard core introvert like me out of their shell.

Thing is: there is no potential for more than a random indiscretion, I see this for sure. Age difference is too big. Not sure if he’s single (separated to me means married I don’t care if he’s separated from an year or ten). I know for sure he had an affair with someone in the office a little while back - and they both know that I know. It is just a boiling hot mess.

Yet things slow down before the holidays and he’s trying to escalate on every occasion. I mean nothing explicit but it is always asking about grabbing food, staying after hours, carpooling, helping me with unrelated to work stuff.... And yet I know if I get there and go out with him... we’re just some layers of clothes away from some unapologetic sex. And for me: months/years of self reflection aftermath on my weak will

What is the best way to handle this? I’m very single and he know it, so I can’t get around with ‘my bf’ excuse. I also enjoy his company and he is genuinely nice so it will be stupid to kill the friendship... I have no idea what his deal is, if he’s really single /divorced, I guess it won’t be the end of the world if we have a NSA b*ng just once so I can get it out of my system... But my gut tells me it will only get worse. So I need ideas to 1)keep the friendship & 2)keep sufficient distance
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Old 18th December 2017, 9:05 PM   #2
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Ideas?

Why would you even consider messing around with a co-worker for a min? I know your career is very important to you.

Me? I am friendly with, but always keep coworkers at arm's length. We are never friends on social media, we don't do lunches, or grab drinks or any of that unless it's a group of co-workers.

I honestly attribute a large part of my professional success to building alliances, but never taking them too far.

That way there is never any questions regarding my associations and if someone goes down - I am not going to be on the ship with them.
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Old 18th December 2017, 9:31 PM   #3
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100% agree with you, I'm having a rough time after having to block few 'friendly' suggestions (maybe they are really stay just friendly but I think it is borderline more than that).

This guy btw is someone that I'll never work with directly - the offices are not even in one building. But I agree to big extent the same rules apply. It will stay in my mind and I'll just try keep the casual friendship as is, avoiding one on one time.

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Ideas?

Why would you even consider messing around with a co-worker for a min? I know your career is very important to you.

Me? I am friendly with, but always keep coworkers at arm's length. We are never friends on social media, we don't do lunches, or grab drinks or any of that unless it's a group of co-workers.

I honestly attribute a large part of my professional success to building alliances, but never taking them too far.

That way there is never any questions regarding my associations and if someone goes down - I am not going to be on the ship with them.
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Old 21st December 2017, 9:50 PM   #4
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Ok I can't keep my own word oh boy... Muddied the waters, nothing physical but we had a pretty lovely meal that I desperately want to say was not a date but yeah... Omg and worse part: another thing is coming and I'm suspiciously all too excited. Just can't contain myself. I *need* to start thinking with my head because I feel like other body parts took are doing the thinking But this was boiling for a while and after the trigger is pushed is d*nm hard to reverse the process....
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Old 21st December 2017, 10:20 PM   #5
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Hahahah

I think you need to line up a FWB. But did you say you have troubles with the.... What I will call the separation of church and state (ie emotions and physical response)that comes with that?

I would imagine I would have a hard time thinking straight if I wasn't getting it steady (hell let's be real, I get it steady, but still I feel a twinge when I look away from the lustful view of others).

Still... You say different department, and some sort of mess regarding his "status"?

Use your logical mind. I know you have it in you to do so.

No! No_go! (How did you come up with that name anyway?)
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Old 21st December 2017, 10:31 PM   #6
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I think you need to line up a FWB. But did you say you have troubles with the.... What I will call the separation of church and state (ie emotions and physical response)that comes with that? Woah I'm getting to the same conclusion. That's a pain in the a** quite literally I don't know RC, I don't need to be in love to have sex but every time after I had sex with someone new it turned into LTR, and I think the choices were bad because again I wan't using my brain after sex so to speak...

Still... You say different department, and some sort of mess regarding his "status"? Yeah, I still don't know the deal he was having his left hand out of sight the whole time it drove me nuts (I can notice a ring dent even if the ring is not there and I guess that's what he was hiding argggghhh)... Otherwise we really don't have a conflict of interest at work, he's neither my manager nor subordinate, we practically would never cross ways for work-relate stuff unless it is a company wide meeting.

Use your logical mind. I know you have it in you to do so. It is switched off in the moment And if after the summer drama this one also comes home to me and we just chat argggghhh I'd lose it !!

No! No_go! (How did you come up with that name anyway?) When I first wrote in this forum it was for a dude that was pulling the slow fade on me after two 8 hour dates. I knew it's over (although I asked in the forum for confirmation) and that's why the name
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Old 22nd December 2017, 9:40 PM   #7
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Count me in for a vote of do not proceed. I've been there, and done that, and briefly dated a man at work, where we, too, worked in completely different departments. It was messy, difficult to keep a secret (as I didn't want everyone talking about it, plus not sure what the official company policy was), and when it ended, it was an even bigger and more awkward mess. My conclusion from this: never again, not for a million dollars.

I will add to that that the man in my story was fully available. Definitely think ten times before proceeding with a potentially unavailable colleague.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 10:34 PM   #8
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Think Twice

You have to think twice and ask yourself this "Do I deserve to make my life messy?", I would vote not to proceed. Better move on to another chapter of your life.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 10:54 PM   #9
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I totally agree with opinions to back off. I wanted an ONS I thought. One time out with him - ONS or any intimacy didnít happen. The guy appears nervous and frankly, seems infatuated, not even looking after physical (only). Which makes sense, weíve been in touch (jokingly flirting) for about an year now. Iím ... let say not indifferent ... actually he strung a cord. So unless I back off it will get SO messy. Dang. I wonder why my former strong self is crumbling...Ideas to get him out of my mind?
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Old 23rd December 2017, 11:08 PM   #10
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Do like me and never regret any sex you had. Woman put more emotional value on sex than men do so you need to think like a man. Sex can be just sex and nothing more. It is two people giving each other pleasure, not making love. Never feel that you gave a part of yourself away after sex. It is just masturbating using someone else's body. I have been with women who just wanted sex from me. Perhaps too often since I had sex with 30+ women in the last 50 years and only had three relationships. I have no regrets. The sex was good.

However, my personal experience is that if you have sex with someone you work with, it never ends well. Usually one of you ends up quitting. I asked for transfers each time when the girl did not quit. I have had women chase me like he is chasing you. I found that the best thing to do is be less friendly. Just think that he is trying to get into your pants and will probably dump you as soon as he gets tired of you. His friendship is a ruse to get you in bed. That is what is going on and you seem to be falling for it. I used that routine myself.

It is classic guy wants to have sex with girl stuff so don't let yourself become his next victim with phony friendship and seemingly innocent invitations to have lunch, etc.. He is hunting you and like with every animal who hunts, they go for the weakest in the herd. Don't be the weakest and know him for what he really is. I understand that it is nice to be flattered and have someone interested in you but you seem like someone who prefers a relationship and you are never going to get that from him. Think how awkward it will be after you have sex and he dumps you. You will have to see him every day, perhaps putting the moves on some other naÔve girl. If you give in you have no one to blame but yourself for the consequences..
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Old 23rd December 2017, 11:27 PM   #11
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Steve Iíve read your story - it is intriguing.

Iím actually big time like you - sex for me doesnt equate to emotion. Iíve been fantasizing about masturbation during sex to get off faster :/ But the emotion for me comes from verbal intimacy, which is what has happened when we spend time together.

Funnily having said that I never had a casual sex because a relationship always followed (I had 3 partners so far so maybe a too small sample to draw conclusions)... I kind of entered a phase where I though ONS could be a fun new thrill ... failing miserably looking at my last post.

The situation is that Iím going to look for a different work opportunity soon anyway, he also knows this (I know dumb move to share this with coworkers :/ ). We donít cross paths unintentionally because weíre in different departments and buildings. Iím more concerned about his relationship status.

Anyway - assuming heís playing me (the infatuation part) to have sex, how to gently hint Iím ok with it and to prompt him stop playing mind games (if it is a play)?

Thatís what threw me off... I actually expected physical and he turned it romantic or so it appears (as you said is maybe a roundabout ...... I canít handle roundabout ways - I just donít operate that way).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve51 View Post
Do like me and never regret any sex you had. Woman put more emotional value on sex than men do so you need to think like a man. Sex can be just sex and nothing more. It is two people giving each other pleasure, not making love. Never feel that you gave a part of yourself away after sex. It is just masturbating using someone else's body. I have been with women who just wanted sex from me. Perhaps too often since I had sex with 30+ women in the last 50 years and only had three relationships. I have no regrets. The sex was good.

However, my personal experience is that if you have sex with someone you work with, it never ends well. Usually one of you ends up quitting. I asked for transfers each time when the girl did not quit. I have had women chase me like he is chasing you. I found that the best thing to do is be less friendly. Just think that he is trying to get into your pants and will probably dump you as soon as he gets tired of you. His friendship is a ruse to get you in bed. That is what is going on and you seem to be falling for it. I used that routine myself.

It is classic guy wants to have sex with girl stuff so don't let yourself become his next victim with phony friendship and seemingly innocent invitations to have lunch, etc.. He is hunting you and like with every animal who hunts, they go for the weakest in the herd. Don't be the weakest and know him for what he really is. I understand that it is nice to be flattered and have someone interested in you but you seem like someone who prefers a relationship and you are never going to get that from him. Think how awkward it will be after you have sex and he dumps you. You will have to see him every day, perhaps putting the moves on some other naÔve girl. If you give in you have no one to blame but yourself for the consequences..
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Old 30th December 2017, 4:31 PM   #12
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Hmmm I'm freaked out, we'll meet tomorrow to celebrate, I'm assuming he's single (or a terrible cheater) if he can make it on NYE but he invited me... I don't know. I'm still not sure if we're just friends or what precisely. This is turning into one of the weirdest experiences I've ever had. Still time to bail...
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:08 AM   #13
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Did anything end up transpiring on NYE? I agree with the others. It might get too complicated. Better candidates for what youíre looking for out there
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Old 2nd January 2018, 2:00 PM   #14
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Did anything end up transpiring on NYE? I agree with the others. It might get too complicated. Better candidates for what youíre looking for out there
I chickened (badly) so nothing transpired. I need relaxed setting one-on-one, otherwise I close up. Which is good quite possibly considering the perils of this situation.
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