A friendship that keeps being so close to being more

[simcain]

I'm in a really tough situation and I'm looking for some relief in the forms of advice and it's really taking a toll. I've been crazy about one of my friends I've known for 14 years. It was just a strong crush for many years and I was in multiple relationships (including being married for 7 years) during most of the 14 years I've known her. After I was separated, she approached me and asked me to be her date for a xmas party and in that conversation we both professed having a crush on each other and we went on a few dates and I realized, the more I learned about her, the more I was hooked. The only problem is that she has some severe childhood trauma that makes her freak out in relationship situations. She will get really serious and move really fast and then will freak out if she feels the slightest amount of pressure. I made the mistake of saying I really liked her way too soon and she ran. 4 years later, while I was in another relationship, she came up to me one night and said that she wished we would have wound up together and it really blew my mind. About 5 months later, I was in the process of breaking up with my gf and I professed, again my feelings for her. This time it was really intense for about a month and I thought we were finally on the way to getting together. At this time, she confided in me that she was doing some really intense therapy to deal with her childhood trauma and I am one of the only people she has told about that. She also told me how much she wanted to "fix" herself so she could finally be in a relationship and how scared she was that she might be alone for the rest of her life. I was finding myself liking her almost more intensely than I've felt about anyone in my life and it was also very scary for me to be falling for her that hard when she could run at the slightest mishap. I've only liked 2 other women that intensely in my 49 years of existence and one, I married. One night, we went on really great date and wound up going back to her place and drank a bit too much. At one point, she said something how I was annoying and it took me by surprise, I blew it off and a bit later we went to bed. I was expecting that to the night where we'd have sex for the first time and she started moving away from me with every advance. I was devastated and couldn't sleep so I left early in the morning and sent some defensive texts about not understanding.

 

Sure enough, that caused her to run and we talked about it a couple days later and she said she was going to take a break from this for a bit and said I needed to be single for a bit longer. I was crushed and didn't talk to her for a few weeks because she wanted some space.

 

After 2 weeks, she contacted me and acted hurt I wasn't talking to her and said she was sorry for everything. She said she felt like she would never be able to be in a relationship and asked if we could be friends. It was a great talk but the next day she was really non-receptive and almost cold to me. I realized she meant we'd be going back to how things were before - where we'd go for months without seeing or talking to each other and it and it really hurt. I decided I was going to just spill my guts in an email and I've never been more honest to anyone in my life. I pained over sending that so much and the only reason I decided to do it was because she had said to me "please don't let me let you down" a couple of times and I took that to mean that I should fight over it.

 

At first she was mad that I sent the letter and stated it was too much with her therapy she was in but she also said I was one of the most important people in her life. A few days later she called me up and asked to hang out and I came over and we hung out and had a good time talking for about 8 hours and then we slept at her place (nothing happened sexually). The next day, she was cold again and I asked her about it the next day after that and she got really mad at one point in the conversation and flipped out on my. She said some really unfair things and accused me of things I never said or would ever say and we stopped talking for a couple of months.

 

Then, a couple of months ago, she texted me and asked if we could be friends again and we talked on the phone and it was great. She invited me to her house a week later to hang out about a week later and I wound up sleeping there and tried to make some moves but she stopped me. I was worried that might had made her unconfortable but I saw her a couple weeks later and we gravitated the whole night with each other and, I again wound up sleeping over at her place and told her I still wanted to be her guy. Just just gave me a nervous laugh and we crashed.

 

I'm so smitten with someone that's not in very good shape to be in a relationship. It's agony. I feel like there's something there but it's probably a crazy long shot. Other days, I feel like the most delusional sap in the world. I've been in 3 serious relationships since 2001 (with a year in between each) and I know I need to be single for a while anyway. She's the only person I could see myself changing that right now. I just can't think of anyone else right now. I'm putting a little hope into something working out down the road. It's happened before. I was friends with my ex wife for 8 years before and we started out romantically, then became friend, and finally got together and were married for 7 years.

 

The only thing I can figure out to do is use this time to just work on myself and see if the laws of attraction can make something work. I'm doing that regardless and things are so good in my life right now. We have the same really tight knit group of friends and I'm pretty popular with all my friends. I don't see how she could find someone that would be better for her but that's just my own opinion and it could be a very delusional opinion at that. All I know is that this is really excruciating and I wish I could get some releif. Her best friend says I should just forget about her because she says she'll just break my heart. I feel like something's there and I don't want to give up on it just yet.

Edited December 12, 2017 by simcain
changing title

[todreaminblue]

in my opinion which is subjective considering i dont know her or her trauma she isnt in any state to be with you or anyone else based purely on her propensity to run when faced with intimacy...........

 

sounds positive about the therapy to deal with her childhood trauma....what i have come to realize after extensive therapy is that there are always going to be triggers and identifying triggers and putting perspective on those triggers ...has helped me immensely.....i am open and honest when i feel insecure in a relationship or when i have doubt or triggers happen.......that also helps me to be in a relationship....i am often scared and feel like running from intimacy...but i am more likely to stay because... i talk about how im feeling and why.....any relationship i am in the guy i am with is closest to me...he knows how i am feeling or what i am dealing with

 

do you know her childhood trauma?.....if you dont.....thats not a good sign..means she isnt open to you.....deb

[simcain]

Big thanks for your reply. I do know a great deal about her trauma and I know I'm one of the few people she's even confided about it to. She hasn't even told her best friend of nearly 30 years because she can be extremely judgmental.

[todreaminblue]

Big thanks for your reply. I do know a great deal about her trauma and I know I'm one of the few people she's even confided about it to. She hasn't even told her best friend of nearly 30 years because she can be extremely judgmental.

 

 

thats a positive sign then......give the therapy time and hang in there...if you truly care.....i wish you all the best....deb

[simcain]

I completely admit that I need to look at myself and ask myself why I attracted to someone who isn’t emotionally available.

[Ronni_W]

I completely admit that I need to look at myself and ask myself why I attracted to someone who isn’t emotionally available.

It would appear to be more than that. So, what is your 'more'? That's where you will start to find your more honest (transparent to yourself) answers.

[preraph]

Look, her trauma has ruined her for sex. She probably isn't ever going to have sex with you or if she does, she is likely to freak out. She keeps coming back for the close relationship, but she isn't going to do sex. You have to face it. Yes, she might even get jealous if you get another girlfriend, but again, she's not up to having sex. Must have been some horrible trauma. You are going to get nowhere continuing to try to kiss her or whatever. She is in therapy, so that's good and may help over time. but I really don't see this cloud ever lifting to where she enjoys a sex life, honestly. Tolerate, maybe, but that's just unhealthy to settle for that.

 

You might see if she ever would like you to come to a therapy session with her and maybe get some insight. Otherwise, I think you're barking up the wrong tree, and yes, it is sad. Truth is, though, if she suddenly got "cured," she'd likely be on a sophomore level of relationships and end up in the exploring phase rather than the commitment phase because she is severely stunted in that area. She can't just instantly become a sexual seasoned woman. She'll still have to go through the stages. It's unlikely it will ever work out well for you.

[healing light]

Okay, so if you're open enough to invest in something like the law of attraction, I recommend you google EFT on YouTube. Then work on all your memories of unavailable love/support in your life, preferably from childhood. I kept attracting similar situations where there was some kind of emotional unavailability or fear of intimacy (where the guy confessed his feelings but would never take it to the next level, but talk to me 24/7 for many years, etc.). It was awful. I really feel that tapping on a lot of the bull**** with my parents is what helped draw in someone new that is actually able to be in a relationship with me without running off scared, one foot in/one foot out.

 

Do it for you, and who knows--maybe she'll change her expression toward you, but, most likely, you will become open to manifesting someone who is actually available for you to hold, have sex with, etc. This one sounds like one of those eternal carrot danglers. Those situations are so painful, so I completely empathize.

[LilySun]

She is way too back and forth with you. I don't think she means to be or means to keep hurting you but that's what she's doing, hurting you over and over and wanting you back over and over. I understand her personal issues are probably the reason and she an internal battle that is confusing her and holding her back.

 

But she still needs to either stay or go, and whichever she picks needs to be the one she sticks with, any other way is just unfair and hurtful to you. I think she knows this, yet continues to do it. Tells you to stay away and then gets upset when you don't talk to her? She needs to decide which one she really wants. I say cut her off completely until she does.

Many people struggle with relationships because of bad life experiences but to me that's not a good excuse to treat someone this way. She needs to stop using this as an excuse, does she want to be with you or not? Time to decide.

[jjgitties]

I think you need to figure out are you friends or not? Generally.you don't get into relationships with friends. Because they are a completely different person when they are a friend and when you are in a relationship with them.

 

I also have a very close.female friend that I have been friends for a long time. But she's more.like a sister in closness than a lover. I would never envision having sex with her or getting into a relationship with her. It comes down to don't confuse friendship with sexual attraction.