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Why is she keeping me around?


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Mistervision

Hey all, I have posted my situation on here before, but I just read a post by LucreziaBorgia and it got me thinking some. Just as a quick recap I was working with this girl over the summer and we became really good friends. Naturally, as this friendship progressed I developed feelings for her. She said no. We did, however, continue being friends. We are now about 6 months beyond the rejection and still very good friends maybe even better to be honest. As you may have guessed by now, I still have some feelings for her and I think she knows this. Even while knowing this though we talk everyday, go out to eat all the time, help each other with whatever we need, ect ect. Why would she continue being my friend even if she knows I still at least have some feelings for her (it is obvious)? Do I have to do or say something to be fair to her? I honestly am giving it my all to just be friends and have friendly feelings, but the heart is something you can't control. Any ideas or thoughts? Thanks in advance.

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LucreziaBorgia

She knows how you feel. She just chooses to ignore it.

 

If you were to bring it up, you would find that your 'friend' has increasingly less time for you the more you talk about it. This situation is working 100% for her: she gets the benefits from your friendship and companionship - without having to worry about having a relationship with a guy she's not that into. As soon as the percentage that it works for her goes down, she will withdraw from you by that same amount. Either that or she'll get angry, or sad and demand that you not 'mess up the friendship' (then you'll know her motives are purely selfish).

 

You have to make a choice: continue to see her on the condition that you stifle your heart as much as possible, or sever the 'friendship' - turn and walk away and begin the process of clearing your head and heart to make way for a girl who does want more than friends. Every day you stay 'friends' with this girl, you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to find a woman who will be able to return your love.

 

If it makes you feel better, tell her - be completely truthful and honest with her but... be prepared for a gentle reminder that you are "friends" and she "doesn't want anything to ruin the friendship."

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Originally posted by Mistervision

Why would she continue being my friend even if she knows I still at least have some feelings for her (it is obvious)?

 

Because women value their close friends, especially platonic male ones. To the girls, these guys are SAFE, harmless, helpful, friendly companions, whom they need not worry to offer any sexual/deep personal committment to. In the same token, these guys offer compliments, emotional stroking when need be, etc., all with no further physical/emotional investment on the part of the gals involved.

 

You also asked:

 

Do I have to do or say something to be fair to her? I honestly am giving it my all to just be friends and have friendly feelings, but the heart is something you can't control. Any ideas or thoughts? Thanks in advance.

 

My advice is simple: Stop and reassess things to be fair to YOU.

 

If you are need to give it your all to just be a friend, then you are tapping emotional resources to merely be a platonic companion to her, emotional resources that would be better used breaking off from her a bit (or a lot) to find someone to give your WHOLE heart, mind, soul and body. You appear to want her as much more than a friend.

 

If you cannot happily and comfortably just be a friend, my humble advice would be to cut bait, and find someone more willing to accept the love you have to give.

 

That's the ultimate test of self-reliance at this point.

 

Just my $0.02.

 

Curt

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Originally posted by Curt

Because women value their close friends, especially platonic male ones. To the girls, these guys are SAFE, harmless, helpful, friendly companions, whom they need not worry to offer any sexual/deep personal commitment to. In the same token, these guys offer compliments, emotional stroking when need be, etc., all with no further physical/emotional investment on the part of the gals involved.

 

You also asked:

 

 

 

My advice is simple: Stop and reassess things to be fair to YOU.

 

If you are need to give it your all to just be a friend, then you are tapping emotional resources to merely be a platonic companion to her, emotional resources that would be better used breaking off from her a bit (or a lot) to find someone to give your WHOLE heart, mind, soul and body. You appear to want her as much more than a friend.

 

If you cannot happily and comfortably just be a friend, my humble advice would be to cut bait, and find someone more willing to accept the love you have to give.

 

That's the ultimate test of self-reliance at this point.

 

Just my $0.02.

 

Curt

 

Right On Curt.

You said it exactly. The choice is yours. Can you live with your feelings? She likes your relationship as is but do you? If you don't then you have to withdraw yourself from her and find someone who cares for you emotionally and romantically.

 

Peace...

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Mistervision

Thanks for the advice all. I have had those thoughts before, but hearing them from uninterested 3rd parties drives it home a bit more. I honestly do not know what to do though. Typing that I am going to sever my friendship is one thing, but doing it is another. I get along with no other person and have no one that understands me more than she does so it would be like losing a best friend. I would also fear her rection and not want to hurt her because I care so much. Ahhh aint life grand?

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Mistervision

Well all just an update. I did it, I told her what I felt. I think we all know what the result was. If you don't mind can I ask for some more advice? I am sort of lost on what to do right now in my misery. Normally a girl rejects you and if you need to let something out you turn to your friends to do it. Well unfortunately for me, she would have been the friend I would have turned to for comfort in this situation (my other friends aren't really of the best friend variety...sad but true). She has e-mailed me a couple of times since asking if I was alright and apologizing, but it is almost like a drug where those emails make me feel good right then and there, but long term worse. Good intentions though. Any suggestions on how to cope with is or move on faster? It is like I am dealing with a double loss of losing not only someone I crushed on, but also my closest friends? Thanks.

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I know how you feel. You didn't want to end your friendship because you really liked her as a friend but it was just to hard on you because you wanted more from the relationship. I think you need to keep your distance from her for the time being and tell her not to contact you because you need time to sort out your feelings. It will be tough for awhile but the hurt will subside and you will put your feelings in perspective. Just try to keep yourself busy and after a little while think about dating. I wouldn't advise becoming friends again unless you feel you no longer have any romantic feeling for her. It gets better so hang in there.

 

 

Peace...

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You're stuck in the "friends for life" category. I made the same mistake back in the day, and I'll never do it again.

 

Why do you tolerate this, knowing your heart can't take it?

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whichwayisup
Originally posted by Mistervision

Well all just an update. I did it, I told her what I felt. I think we all know what the result was. If you don't mind can I ask for some more advice? I am sort of lost on what to do right now in my misery. Normally a girl rejects you and if you need to let something out you turn to your friends to do it. Well unfortunately for me, she would have been the friend I would have turned to for comfort in this situation (my other friends aren't really of the best friend variety...sad but true). She has e-mailed me a couple of times since asking if I was alright and apologizing, but it is almost like a drug where those emails make me feel good right then and there, but long term worse. Good intentions though. Any suggestions on how to cope with is or move on faster? It is like I am dealing with a double loss of losing not only someone I crushed on, but also my closest friends? Thanks.

 

Just back off completely. She actually may not know HOW she feels about you in general. Give her a chance to MISS you, see what life is like without your friendship. That is the test to see...

 

Yes, she feels bad by hurting your feelings...She was honest, just as you were with her by letting her know how you've been feeling. If she wasn't rude or disrespectful towards you during that conversation, then just slowly back off. Let her call you. Then just explain to her you need some space. That is all. You owe her NO explanation.

 

Hang in there, keep busy. Go out with some guy buddies, work-out, play some football or something, go to the gym. Try not to think about her too much.

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Originally posted by whichwayisup

Just back off completely. She actually may not know HOW she feels about you in general. Give her a chance to MISS you, see what life is like without your friendship. That is the test to see...

 

Yes, she feels bad by hurting your feelings...She was honest, just as you were with her by letting her know how you've been feeling. If she wasn't rude or disrespectful towards you during that conversation, then just slowly back off. Let her call you. Then just explain to her you need some space. That is all. You owe her NO explanation.

 

Hang in there, keep busy. Go out with some guy buddies, work-out, play some football or something, go to the gym. Try not to think about her too much.

 

Sorry things didn't go better for you Mistervision, but you know (and this is no reflection on you whatsoever) it wasn't likely to turn out any other way.

 

The advice that whichwayisup gives you, above, is all sound and meaningful for you at this juncture.

 

Don't contact her, and ask that she not contact you anymore, either.

 

Prepare yourself for the distinct possibility that it may hurt her to not have you as a close friend as before. In fact, it may be extremely difficult for her to understand why she cannot still be close friends with you. In some ways, she may even resent you for allowing that to happen.

 

Point is, you will likely need to speak/write very candidly, from your heart, to help her understand that it would be far too hard on your heart to have her as a friend, and not any more. Your affection for her as progressed past that of a close friendship. You want her as a partner. She sees you only as a friend. These are clearly divergent positions.

 

I would urge you to not do all this in hopes that she will "come to her senses," miss you terribly, realize what she has lost, and then come "runnin' back with her whole heart in her hand" for you. Do not focus on that possibility, as it may well lead to even more heartbreak for you if it does not. Let's face it ... although it SOMETIMES does happen that way, it is by no means a rule of thumb that it will.

 

When you are ready, move on to find new love with someone who can share love with you completely. You're clearly a good guy, with a great deal to offer. Focus on the good aspects of what you had in that closeness with her, and how you can build on that with a loving partner in future. More importantly, don't let your heart harden from the experience ... merely take the lessons worth learning, and use them to better your future relationship(s).

 

Most of all, know that you did the right thing. We're here for ya. :)

 

Curt

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Ever hear the "Ken Doll" theory? Some women want a guy who's just like Ken... tall, good looking, nice car, and no genitalia to harass them into any sort of relationship that crosses platonic boundaries.

 

Don't be a Ken doll. Grow a pair and get mean. Tell her off, even if she looks like Barbie.

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whichwayisup
Originally posted by westernxer

Ever hear the "Ken Doll" theory? Some women want a guy who's just like Ken... tall, good looking, nice car, and no genitalia to harass them into any sort of relationship that crosses platonic boundaries.

 

Don't be a Ken doll. Grow a pair and get mean. Tell her off, even if she looks like Barbie.

 

:laugh: Havin' a flash back from when I was a kid, my mom took my "barbie" and "ken" dolls away from me cuz I was making them do funky things to eachother! :laugh: Geez, I've not thought about that in YEARS...Funny how you just triggered a real funny childhood memory outta me Westy! :)

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Originally posted by whichwayisup

:laugh: Havin' a flash back from when I was a kid, my mom took my "barbie" and "ken" dolls away from me cuz I was making them do funky things to eachother! :laugh: Geez, I've not thought about that in YEARS...Funny how you just triggered a real funny childhood memory outta me Westy! :)

 

You too? :p

 

It's funny you mention this, because none of this will happen if a girl sees a guy as nothing more than friends.

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