Fling with a good friend: so scared of messing it all up!!

[Cfb770099]

I have known this guy for about 3 years. In the past year we have become good friends, not super close but a good friendship: we have a lot in common in terms of background and interests so we always have plenty to talk about.

He has moved to another city, but we keep seeing each other whenever he visits my city, every few weeks AND....in the past couple of months we have started kissing and having sex.

 

The first time he made a move I was really shocked, I was not expecting it all, so little actually that just 2-3 weeks before I had hooked up with a friend of his. But the second time he tried I gave in because I was curious and people have always been asking me if we had something going on so I went from thinink "NO WAY" to thinking "well....maybe...?". We have seen each other 3-4 times in the past couple of months (of these times was for 3 days when I went to visit him) and we sleep together, cuddle and hug a lot.

 

The problem is I keep being super scared that it will ruin our friendship. I generally have really bad luck with my flings, they usually end up with the guy leaving for a variety of reasons and me having a broken heart and negative feelings for these guys so I am terrified at the idea the same thing will happen with this guy. Plus, we live in different cities and I clearly remember him telling me a year ago that he thought LDR are a recipe for disaster. I would be absolutely broken if things went badly, especially because I have such a good impression of him right now, he is truly a good guy. At the same time, it's too early to have any kind of serious talk as I also don't know what I want exactly, I only know what I don't want, i.e. getting hurt. I also know that if we keep doing this I will eventually fall for him.

 

How do I handle this the smartest way possible? Help!

Edited May 7, 2017 by Cfb770099

[jjgitties]

It sounds like its too late. You already went past the friendship phase and stepped it up to the next level. You say you have been friends for 3+ years but only now the guy has made a move. Why do you think that is? What has happened that has change to make him initiate it into a sexual relatinship?

 

I have a very good friend. I have know her for a very long time. I do find her sexually attractive but I would never allow the friendship to cross the bountries and become a sexual relationship. (Not that I have any reason to suspect she finds me the least bit sexually attractive) The main reason is I know her very very well. She is a great and amazing friend. She is also a complete nut job when it comes to relationships with men. She turns into a jealous clingy basket case. (I obviously know this because I know her so well and we talk alot.) The last thing I would want is to lose her as a friend over sex.

[Cfb770099]

It sounds like its too late. You already went past the friendship phase and stepped it up to the next level. You say you have been friends for 3+ years but only now the guy has made a move. Why do you think that is? What has happened that has change to make him initiate it into a sexual relatinship?

 

I have a very good friend. I have know her for a very long time. I do find her sexually attractive but I would never allow the friendship to cross the bountries and become a sexual relationship.

 

When we met he had a girlfriend and I was also seeing another guy. One year ago we became neighbours, lived 5 minutes away from each other and for a couple of months saw each other multiple times a week. I had a crush on a friend of his at that time, and he never made a move....Maybe he thought I wouldn't be into him... We were also both at the end of our studies with the possibility of both moving to different countries (we but live in the same foreign country). Now we've ended up in the same country, but in different cities.

 

So do you think the fact that he has crossed the boundary means he doesn't value my friendship that much? Cause that's what I thought too when he made a move the very first time

[elaine567]

YOU are now simply friends with benefits.

If that is NOT what you want then you need to have the "talk" NOW.

YOU are sleeping with he guy, and travelling miles to visit him, so how on earth can it be too early for a talk?

 

YOU don't need to commit for life here, but you need to know roughly where this is headed.

Is this exclusive or are you putting your health and future fertility at potentially huge risk here and for what?

He may or may not be a good guy but it sounds like a FWB situation and if you ain't happy with that, as you are scared of getting hurt, then you need to stop it now, not wait till it is 6 months down the line and you are in too deep.

FWB is an arrangement for sex, do not misinterpret cuddling as caring.

It can indicate care, but many guys in FWB arrangements will cuddle and not be emotionally involved at all, past the need for sex and attention.

Stop making up love stories in your head.

 

[Cfb770099]

YOU are now simply friends with benefits.

If that is NOT what you want then you need to have the "talk" NOW.

YOU are sleeping with he guy, and travelling miles to visit him, so how on earth can it be too early for a talk?

 

YOU don't need to commit for life here, but you need to know roughly where this is headed.

Is this exclusive or are you putting your health and future fertility at potentially huge risk here and for what?

He may or may not be a good guy but it sounds like a FWB situation and if you ain't happy with that, as you are scared of getting hurt, then you need to stop it now, not wait till it is 6 months down the line and you are in too deep.

FWB is an arrangement for sex, do not misinterpret cuddling as caring.

It can indicate care, but many guys in FWB arrangements will cuddle and not be emotionally involved at all, past the need for sex and attention.

Stop making up love stories in your head.

 

 

But we never agreed to be FWB either...?

Besides, don't all relationships start with people just having sex and then developing feelings later? I mean, I think that's mostly the case in Europe at least...

 

I disagree that men and women can't be friends, I have good guy friends. However, I like your point about having to take action now instead of waiting for things to get out of control. I think that it was worth giving it a chance since I know he is a very thoughtful and good guy, i.e. the opposite of what I am used to....But I know the stakes are very high and that's what freaking me out

[jjgitties]

So do you think the fact that he has crossed the boundary means he doesn't value my friendship that much? Cause that's what I thought too when he made a move the very first time

 

I dont know. I cant answer that. All I know is I can't be in a sexual relationship and also be very good friends with someone at the same time. It doesn't work that way for me in my case.

[jjgitties]

But we never agreed to be FWB either...?

Besides, don't all relationships start with people just having sex and then developing feelings later? I mean, I think that's mostly the case in Europe at least...

 

I disagree that men and women can't be friends, I have good guy friends. However, I like your point about having to take action now instead of waiting for things to get out of control. I think that it was worth giving it a chance since I know he is a very thoughtful and good guy, i.e. the opposite of what I am used to....But I know the stakes are very high and that's what freaking me out

 

Sure men and women can be friends. I think its just that when sex gets mixed into it it will get complicated. You are not professional sex workers that can completely detach your selves and your emotions from sex.

 

Once people start having sex things get complicated. You are either a FWB where you have zero emotional attachment with the person and are only getting together to have sex because neither one of you are in a serious relationship yet or you are waiting for someone else to come along.

 

I can only speak for myself. With the relationships I have with my female friends I have emotionally attached to them. i.e. I listen to them. I care for them. I care about their problems. The same thing works the other way. They are there for me and listen to me and I would think care about what I am going through. If it were to become a FWB thing, I think the emotional attachment would be completely cut off. There is no way I would be able to sit there and listen to them complaining about this guy or that guy if all that was going through my mind was, when are we going to leave and have sex already.