Mixed signals from him, very awkward

[Irishlady]

I've developed an interest with a man at work, and we've shared some (non-saucy) snapchats. We work remotely and only see each other at team meetings which can be regularly and infrequent, depending on the time of year (this month for example, we've been away on 2 team weekends but probably won't see each other again for a few months now).

 

The flirty snapchats we're going both ways until a few weeks ago when the frequency of him checking snapchat suddenly went down (he wouldn't check it for days at a time, one week at one point). As soon as we were in each other's company, he would be checking it again. He then stopped sending any Snapchats, fair enough. Maybe he wasn't interested after all.

 

We've just been at a conference for a few days, we were the first 2 to join and I found him a bit hostile initially (negative body language, facing away from me, sitting on his phone). But he was teasing me about something I'd put on Facebook and referred to me as "Filthy" in a joking manner. When I challenged him on why I was filthy, he couldn't really give any answer and just joked again about us snapchatting.

 

The rest of the team started arriving and as I expected, he went into snapchat checking the snaps I had sent him but not sending anything. There have been some flirty snapchats, nothing rude or nude, but mostly boring, mundane, every day stuff. They're party animals so typically, we hit the bar and have some drinks. It's a mostly male team so the conversations can usually be crude and involve a lof of joking around. Being one of the only women, I take it on the chin and join in with the banter. I'll name myself Susan for the purpose of this - but he was telling the rest of the team that my new name was "filthy Susan" and when they questioned why, he said about snapchat. They asked what pics I'd been sending and he joked saying he'd saved some but couldn't seem to find them. All joking, har har har, we all had a great laugh about it all. I let it role off my back again.

 

The next day at the conference, we have some comaradery again (it's always the same with this lot!), and my interest (that I do openly flirt with), continued with teasing me. Body language was now a lot more relaxed, I kept catching him glancing at me, catching each other's eye. My view is that he's getting much more flirty.

 

By day 2, the filthy Susan comment is getting to me a bit. I'd mention to my colleague that I was feeling it a bit, and if it got to the point where it was really annoying me, that I'd have a quiet word.

 

My colleague felt that it was a bit much so he went on ahead and had that word and said it wasn't on, and also pulled him on another couple of things where he was pushing the boundaries.

 

6pm last night, I had a WhatsApp message from him, asking if we could have a 10min chat.... we don't usually communicate over WhatsApp so that was weird... I went down to his hotel room and he was visibly uncomfortable, a bit red in the face, said he wanted to apologise for being such a dick to me for the last few days. Basically, he'd been chatting to his mate weeks earlier and thought his wife was in bed, but she overheard him speaking about me and the snapchats (I have no idea what it was he was saying), and she thought he was having an affair. He's reassured her that he's not and everything is fine. He then deleted Snapchat and has only been checking it when he's been away (hence the lack of Snapchat and the lengthy time it's taken him to even open some). He went on to say that he had been trying to be a bit of a dick to distance himself a bit, and not encourage it as obviously he's away a lot with work and doesn't want to cause his wife unnecessary concern. He explained that his wife and him don't keep each other under the thumb and everything is fine at home, his wife doesn't dwell on stuff and he doesn't have to check in all the time, they're pretty comfortable about being away from each other. He said he didn't want me to think that he didn't like me or anything but hadn't really wanted to have the difficult conversation with me about his wife thinking he was having an affair with me. He apolgised and said he'd like to start from scratch, I apologised and that was that.

 

We were at a fancy dinner last night and he's been much nicer and caring, although it's been a little awkward (it'll die down in time). But even last night, I was constantly catching him looking at me. This has went on st the conference too - keep catching eyes.

 

We passed each other in the hall coming and going to breakfast and he specifically stopped me to ask what time I'd got back in at last night etc. I had to rush off sadly as I wasn't late for a meeting downstairs.

 

I'm so confused about what he's thinking. Was his teasing, his way of flirting with me and he's taken it a step too far? I'm not really sure how to resolve this moving forward. We work together so although I have had a sexual interest in him, we need to be able to have a non awkward working relationship.

 

We're both married so there she the issue of infidelity but that's an issue for another day and another thread!

[hippychick3]

Ask what his wife and your husband think.

[d0nnivain]

He's thinking he wants to save his MARRIAGE. He enjoyed flirting with you but once his wife found out, now he knows he has to stop.

 

 

If you want to wreck your marriage by taking up with other men, just divorce your poor husband.

 

 

Otherwise, keep your interactions with this poor bloke professional only.

[Irishlady]

I completely agree with both of you. In the cold light of day, I feel so ashamed of everything that's happened and very embarrassed. I haven't been with the company very long and I've tarnished my name already. I need to be able to have a professional relationship with this guy as we work so close and I'm not sure how to do that.

[d0nnivain]

I need to be able to have a professional relationship with this guy as we work so close and I'm not sure how to do that.

 

 

It's not as hard as you think. Since you don't see him every day, you just ignore this slip up like it never happened. You interact about professional stuff when you have to but otherwise stay away. No What'sApp or SnapChat. Just conversations about any projects you work on together, and even then only when absolutely necessary.