Not sure where I stand with her?? Super confused.

[kmm63]

I met this beautiful sweet 29 yr old woman at a coffee shop and we've been hanging out every 4 days or so for over a month. For clarity I'm 54 years old, fit, healthy, etc. I'm super confused since I'm really starting to like this woman and I'm super attracted to her. She said a few times the past month "I love being with you, but I'm not interested romantically". But then she asked me to go camping together and we stayed the night together in a camper van at the beach. I slepted on the upper bunk and she on the lower. Before going to bed she jumped on my upper bunk to see if it was soft. Then I asked her if she wanted a massage and she said sure. So here's why I'm super confused, she removed her sweater after I asked and she laid face down then removed her pants and was down to panties. I gave her a full body massage with oil and she partly was semi showing below. I was a gentleman and didn't touch her in anyway inappropriately. I gave her a 1.5 hour massage then she went to her bunk. She allowed me to hug her goodnight and then I gave her a small kiss on the forehead. She still contacting me to hang out literally every 4th day but not sure if I should continue hanging since I'm really liking her?? I know I'm quite a bit older, but I look 35-40 yrs old and we look good together as a couple. I'm not some old creepy guy. Any thoughts if I should give up any hope of being with her? It's killing me because I genuinely like her and want more than friends.

Edited April 15, 2017 by kmm63

[basil67]

What you look like as a couple has very little significance. More importantly is whether or not you're at the same stage of your lives.

 

At 29, she'll likely be thinking of having children in the next 5 years. Are you up for fatherhood? In 10 years, you'll be thinking of retirement. If she's at the peak of her career, how will you manage your retirement and her work demands? Will you want to travel when you're retired? How will this fit in with having a young family?

 

She probably can't see how it would work either - hence being OK with physical touch but putting the brakes on romantically. My guess is that she'd be happy for some casual sex, but not to commit to you.

[todreaminblue]

its a big gap....its possible but the lifestyles ......not so sure.....as basil said kids might be in her time frame......i dont know how a one and a half hour massage in her panties half covered and showing is her showing any respect actually...seems like she doesnt really care what you see.......and that's a super long massage.....my hands cramp after an hour long and i was a professional masseuse in my twenties...........so ....you must be up there in fitness..i have never made a guy ever give me a massage that lasted that long never asked a guy to massage me period.......never..

 

i paid for one once sitting on a milk crate because i had knots in my shoulders and my back was messed up due to dancing.... ......knots that would not budge.......felt like a jelly fish after this guy so quiet .smaller than me......i though nahh no way he is going to get them out.......but yep magic hands...goes to show...its not the size....any way tangenting as usual ...sorry op......

 

.......watch she doesnt use you as a personal masseuse.its 200 an hour or was way back when.......keep it to ten minutes if you must....i would suggest to you ...dont.....do it.......not if you really like her....and she never reciprocates.....its a no go ...you will only get hurt...or start charging her.........deb

[Bejangled]

Hi kmm63

 

Well, first of all let me congratulate you on being an absolute gentleman. There is nothing....absolutely nothing....more attractive than a person who has respect for themselves and others.

 

Secondly, well done to you for taking such great care of yourself that you can knock almost 20 years off your age. Can I request that you post later how the heck you do this! I would love some tips!!!

 

Okay, to answer your question. I'm going to begin with the big white elephant in the room. Why? because I just want to draw your attention to something you might be missing. It may not apply here...but let's go there anyway, even just to rule it out. Here it is...

 

Does this girl have a father figure in her life? A positive male role model that guided and shaped her in a healthy way throughout her youth? Why do I ask? Unfortuantely, many young women who have experienced conflict, miscommunication or even experience the total absence of a 'good dad' often try to recreate that lost relationship in their 20s by attracting older men into their circle.

 

Often, they love the sensual touch, the attention, the gentle-yet-innocent flirtation because it fulfills something missing. It happens to many older men. They meet a great young woman who gets very 'personal' both physically and emotionally, yet often, this doesn't go much further than a chaotic and skewed version of child/parent love.

 

So....maybe that doesn't apply here at all! But I just wanted to give you that info so you can maybe have a little re-frame of the situation. If it doesn't apply? Then let's go to the next part....

 

Perhaps she is really enjoying your flirty attention and is 'going with it' and 'testing the waters' to see if dating an older man is something she can do. She obviously enjoys being around you. She also seems to enjoy your touch/gentle intimacy etc. My advice is this, next time you find yourself massaging (or similar), stop for a moment and say to her straight out 'I really want to kiss you right now'. Wait for her reaction. She may not want this....(but my guess is you're mature enough and wise enough to be fairly okay with that). Or, she may really want it and not know how to initiate...after all, she's still not reached her confident/sexy 30s yet! Whatever her response, I trust that you will respect that.

 

After this, you may be able to talk a more about the situation. You may understand it all so much clearer. But, as always, the best advice is 'face the situation' and talk from the heart.

 

I wish you luck!

[Telemachus]

She's not interested in a romantic relationship with you, and she told you so. Accept that.

 

Your attraction to her, which she is certainly aware of, has no bearing or influence on her attraction to you. No action of hers described in your posting is in any way contradictory of her statement to you that she's not romantically interested in you. The romantic feelings of one person are almost never mutual and reciprocal. There's nothing in any way confusing about this.

 

I may find redheads to be the most attractive women on earth, but that does nothing to make any or all redheaded women attracted to guys with dark brown hair mixed with gray. It just doesn't work that way.

 

Don't expect her statement to you to change.

 

As far as being a gentleman, you say this as if it's unusual or not to be expected. Gentlemen will behave; others must.

 

You're not age-appropriate for her, and you never will be. Harrison Ford aged well, but he's clearly an old man now, and you will be also, not too many years from now.

 

In my 20s, dating a woman of the same age as me, I was confused why she would get naked and crawl into bed with me if she didn't want to have sex. I no longer am confused about that, and, at your age, you shouldn't be either.

Edited April 15, 2017 by Telemachus

[kmm63]

i agree with you fully Basil67 ... I think she's thinking how it could work as well. She did mention that she wants children in the future, so I think it's best to be her friend and if something sexually happens I'll go from there. Your advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Edited April 15, 2017 by kmm63

[kmm63]

its a big gap....its possible but the lifestyles ......not so sure.....as basil said kids might be in her time frame......i dont know how a one and a half hour massage in her panties half covered and showing is her showing any respect actually...seems like she doesnt really care what you see.......and that's a super long massage.....my hands cramp after an hour long and i was a professional masseuse in my twenties...........so ....you must be up there in fitness..i have never made a guy ever give me a massage that lasted that long never asked a guy to massage me period.......never..

 

i paid for one once sitting on a milk crate because i had knots in my shoulders and my back was messed up due to dancing.... ......knots that would not budge.......felt like a jelly fish after this guy so quiet .smaller than me......i though nahh no way he is going to get them out.......but yep magic hands...goes to show...its not the size....any way tangenting as usual ...sorry op......

 

.......watch she doesnt use you as a personal masseuse.its 200 an hour or was way back when.......keep it to ten minutes if you must....i would suggest to you ...dont.....do it.......not if you really like her....and she never reciprocates.....its a no go ...you will only get hurt...or start charging her.........deb

Yes Basil is correct about the kid issues. And your correct about the massage, but I don't think she's looking for free massages since I offered the massage to her. She's very kind and sweet, but like you said the age gap is huge and what does our future lifestyles look like together. I think she's realistic and likes me and my company but can't see us long term together. Thank you for your words and thoughts.

[kmm63]

What you look like as a couple has very little significance. More importantly is whether or not you're at the same stage of your lives.

 

At 29, she'll likely be thinking of having children in the next 5 years. Are you up for fatherhood? In 10 years, you'll be thinking of retirement. If she's at the peak of her career, how will you manage your retirement and her work demands? Will you want to travel when you're retired? How will this fit in with having a young family?

 

She probably can't see how it would work either - hence being OK with physical touch but putting the brakes on romantically. My guess is that she'd be happy for some casual sex, but not to commit to you.

i agree with you fully ... I think she's thinking how it could work as well. She did mention that she wants children in the future, so I think it's best to be her friend and if something sexually happens I'll go from there. Your advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[kmm63]

Hi kmm63

 

Well, first of all let me congratulate you on being an absolute gentleman. There is nothing....absolutely nothing....more attractive than a person who has respect for themselves and others.

 

Secondly, well done to you for taking such great care of yourself that you can knock almost 20 years off your age. Can I request that you post later how the heck you do this! I would love some tips!!!

 

Okay, to answer your question. I'm going to begin with the big white elephant in the room. Why? because I just want to draw your attention to something you might be missing. It may not apply here...but let's go there anyway, even just to rule it out. Here it is...

 

Does this girl have a father figure in her life? A positive male role model that guided and shaped her in a healthy way throughout her youth? Why do I ask? Unfortuantely, many young women who have experienced conflict, miscommunication or even experience the total absence of a 'good dad' often try to recreate that lost relationship in their 20s by attracting older men into their circle.

 

Often, they love the sensual touch, the attention, the gentle-yet-innocent flirtation because it fulfills something missing. It happens to many older men. They meet a great young woman who gets very 'personal' both physically and emotionally, yet often, this doesn't go much further than a chaotic and skewed version of child/parent love.

 

So....maybe that doesn't apply here at all! But I just wanted to give you that info so you can maybe have a little re-frame of the situation. If it doesn't apply? Then let's go to the next part....

 

Perhaps she is really enjoying your flirty attention and is 'going with it' and 'testing the waters' to see if dating an older man is something she can do. She obviously enjoys being around you. She also seems to enjoy your touch/gentle intimacy etc. My advice is this, next time you find yourself massaging (or similar), stop for a moment and say to her straight out 'I really want to kiss you right now'. Wait for her reaction. She may not want this....(but my guess is you're mature enough and wise enough to be fairly okay with that). Or, she may really want it and not know how to initiate...after all, she's still not reached her confident/sexy 30s yet! Whatever her response, I trust that you will respect that.

 

After this, you may be able to talk a more about the situation. You may understand it all so much clearer. But, as always, the best advice is 'face the situation' and talk from the heart.

 

I wish you luck!

Love your reply a lot ..yeah, being a gentleman is a must for me Regarding her dad role model I don't think it applies because she has a good relationship with her father. And I don't really feel like I'm acting or filling in as her dad.

 

My secret to being fit and healthy is as follows ...

* yoga 3-4 days per week.

* eat organic food, little to no processed food.

* eat mainly plant based diet with occasional meat.

* little to no drinking

* swim in warm salt water every day in Hawaii. I surf.

* take chlorella, multi vitamins, vitamin b's, vitamin c's, and I take a good hair, skin & nails vitamin. Most of our vitamins and minerals have been depleted from our food so we need to supplement our diets.

* I have a daily spiritual practice.

* I've learned how to properly breathe.

* I'm grateful for everyone and everything in my life.

* I love life and I sincerely care for people and there well being.

* I have done my best to work on my own issues so I don't hurt others by my actions.

 

And I will take your advice and just tell her that I am attracted to her and would like to kiss her. I'll be totally upfront and be myself with her.

Thank you!

Edited April 16, 2017 by kmm63
typo's

[kmm63]

She's not interested in a romantic relationship with you, and she told you so. Accept that.

 

Your attraction to her, which she is certainly aware of, has no bearing or influence on her attraction to you. No action of hers described in your posting is in any way contradictory of her statement to you that she's not romantically interested in you. The romantic feelings of one person are almost never mutual and reciprocal. There's nothing in any way confusing about this.

 

I may find redheads to be the most attractive women on earth, but that does nothing to make any or all redheaded women attracted to guys with dark brown hair mixed with gray. It just doesn't work that way.

 

Don't expect her statement to you to change.

 

As far as being a gentleman, you say this as if it's unusual or not to be expected. Gentlemen will behave; others must.

 

You're not age-appropriate for her, and you never will be. Harrison Ford aged well, but he's clearly an old man now, and you will be also, not too many years from now.

 

In my 20s, dating a woman of the same age as me, I was confused why she would get naked and crawl into bed with me if she didn't want to have sex. I no longer am confused about that, and, at your age, you shouldn't be either.

Yep, I needed to here that ...it's so true and I guess it's difficult for me to accept that. Now you've made it clear and I really hear you and deep down I must agree...because it's true; I am not age appropriate not matter how well we get along. Thank you for waking me up to reality! Great advice.

[preraph]

Some people are more comfortable about nonsexual massage than others and she sounds very comfortable with it.

 

 

From experience, I can only tell you that people sometimes do incongruous things. For example, during a slump, I once dated a younger gay guy (in the closet) for nearly four years. He would literally have hellfire and damnation nightmares that I was in because of having thoughts and confusion about me, I guess. There was no way he'd ever hold hands or kiss or anything. And yet, the one thing he had not one iota of reservation about is he was always asking me for massages. Why? Because his mother -- yes, his MOTHER -- used to give him massages. I got fed up with it and told him no on the basis that I wasn't getting anything out of it and was not his mother...

 

Maybe keep dating her or whatever and see if the subject comes up again, but I wouldn't just keep massaging her if she's not taking it anywhere. She can join MassageEnvy like everyone else.

[Northcenter]

I think that she is interested in you. And maybe just taking it slow. Give her a litttle time. I'm very attracted to older men and I'm 33, so it might not be the age. But the fact that she still wants to hang with you is a sign that she's interested. It's kind of weird that it's always on the 4th. But hang in there, you seem like a sweet guy and she might come around. Maybe let her miss u on one of those 4th days. But I know how it feels to ache for a hug from someone so I don't think I would be able to tell him I couldn't meet when i know I've been waiting weeks to see him anyway.

 

A guy who I only see a few times a month is driving me crazy as well. 100% sure he fell for me like I did but we haven't said the words and we are not an official couple but he gets so nervous around me now and was avoiding but he's back to speaking to me. And he can't stop staring at me but it seems he is too nervous to hold a long conversation with me right now. So I just want to forget him but my feelings won't go away. It's really annoying.

[kmm63]

I think that she is interested in you. And maybe just taking it slow. Give her a litttle time. I'm very attracted to older men and I'm 33, so it might not be the age. But the fact that she still wants to hang with you is a sign that she's interested. It's kind of weird that it's always on the 4th. But hang in there, you seem like a sweet guy and she might come around. Maybe let her miss u on one of those 4th days. But I know how it feels to ache for a hug from someone so I don't think I would be able to tell him I couldn't meet when i know I've been waiting weeks to see him anyway.

 

A guy who I only see a few times a month is driving me crazy as well. 100% sure he fell for me like I did but we haven't said the words and we are not an official couple but he gets so nervous around me now and was avoiding but he's back to speaking to me. And he can't stop staring at me but it seems he is too nervous to hold a long conversation with me right now. So I just want to forget him but my feelings won't go away. It's really annoying.

i really like your advice and I thought making her miss me is a good idea. So we had planned this week to go out for and event Wednesday and an event on Saturday. On Monday this week I decided to cancel with her on both events because she is still making it clear to me she wants to be friends and I tried to hold her hand and she asked me to stop. So I realized that it's not good for me and it hurts to continue "dating" her when in fact she doesn't think were dating but "hanging out" together. After thinking about it and everyones advice I wanted to see how she would react and hopefully miss me; which is wishful thinking on my part. I will wait and see what next week brings for us. I hope you and your guy connect and have a meaningful relationship. Thank you for your kind words.

[kmm63]

i don't see any problem with your age gap. she is giving you the signs she wants a relationship even though verbally say otherwise. stripping down to her panties was a sure sign of a exciting future for you. i would suggest you persue her with little concern for her verbal indication of no relationship.

Your thoughts makes real sense and that's what I was going to do was to ignore what "she says" and go by what "she does". But the problem is that when I try to hug her she still is tentative at best. When I try to hold her hand she says please let go. This happened last week on Easter Sunday and I got pretty hurt by her rejecting me when she clearly likes me. I told Northcenter that I realized that it's not good for me and it hurts to continue "dating" her when in fact she doesn't think were dating but "hanging out" together. After thinking about it and taking everyones advice I cancelled all future dates wanting to see how she would react and hopefully miss me; which is wishful thinking on my part in know. Thank you for your thoughts because they gave me hope and we will see what her next move will be.

[Northcenter]

I think that's a good idea. And I hope she will come around soon. I pulled back and I'm waiting also. I know the feelings are there but I also know he's scared of his feelings.

 

My feelings would be hurt also and maybe she isn't totally comfortable to be seen with you in public because of the age difference. Idk.. but if I did that to a guy it would be because I didn't want anyone seeing me holding his hand. I would feel awful and apologize of course and make it up to him. But She's obviously interested, since she continues to see u and she is comfortable getting undressed in front of you. I just think she is taking her time and figuring out, is this what I want. Cause there is an age difference. My guy is 25 years older than me. So time will tell. I really hope she come around and mine as well.

[MountainGirl111]

First of all, in some cases, age simply doesn't matter. If you fall in love with each other, you fall in love. Congrats, that must feel really nice at your age...not that I consider you "old". If you can pass for a much younger man, then more power to ya.

 

In the beginning, exciting stages of love, that's all fine and dandy. But then when it settles down to everyday stuff, you'll find out if you are truly compatible.

 

I pass for a much younger age than I am too. When my kids were in college and I went down to their campus to visit, their guy friends asked me out. Casually of course. I declined, because it just didn't feel right. But boy did it boost my ego when my daughter's guy friend told her, 'Your mom is hot'. It makes me feel good, but in no way would I pursue a relationship with someone that young because I know that we would be very incompatible and well, it just doesn't feel right, for some reason....That's just me, though. I don't judge YOU for having a relationship with a much younger woman. Who knows, maybe she is super mature for her age? Some girls are....

[MountainGirl111]

Love your reply a lot ..yeah, being a gentleman is a must for me Regarding her dad role model I don't think it applies because she has a good relationship with her father. And I don't really feel like I'm acting or filling in as her dad.

 

My secret to being fit and healthy is as follows ...

* yoga 3-4 days per week.

* eat organic food, little to no processed food.

* eat mainly plant based diet with occasional meat.

* little to no drinking

* swim in warm salt water every day in Hawaii. I surf.

* take chlorella, multi vitamins, vitamin b's, vitamin c's, and I take a good hair, skin & nails vitamin. Most of our vitamins and minerals have been depleted from our food so we need to supplement our diets.

* I have a daily spiritual practice.

* I've learned how to properly breathe.

* I'm grateful for everyone and everything in my life.

* I love life and I sincerely care for people and there well being.

* I have done my best to work on my own issues so I don't hurt others by my actions.

 

And I will take your advice and just tell her that I am attracted to her and would like to kiss her. I'll be totally upfront and be myself with her.

Thank you!

 

Thx for sharing this! It's inspiring. I do some of those things too. I try to get lots of fresh and where I live the air is so nice and clean/pure. It's wonderful! I go for long walks outside whenever I can.

[Bejangled]

 

My secret to being fit and healthy is as follows ...

* yoga 3-4 days per week.

* eat organic food, little to no processed food.

* eat mainly plant based diet with occasional meat.

* little to no drinking

* swim in warm salt water every day in Hawaii. I surf.

* take chlorella, multi vitamins, vitamin b's, vitamin c's, and I take a good hair, skin & nails vitamin. Most of our vitamins and minerals have been depleted from our food so we need to supplement our diets.

* I have a daily spiritual practice.

* I've learned how to properly breathe.

* I'm grateful for everyone and everything in my life.

* I love life and I sincerely care for people and there well being.

* I have done my best to work on my own issues so I don't hurt others by my actions.

 

And I will take your advice and just tell her that I am attracted to her and would like to kiss her. I'll be totally upfront and be myself with her.

Thank you!

 

I just love that! I'm surprised that I can actually tick most of the health tip boxes, but I reckon I must brush up on 1 or 2 to master this whole 'looking 20 years younger' thing Thanks for the tips!

 

p.s. any update? Did you tell her straight?