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25 year age gap, living together


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So I am 43 years old. Tall and good looking. Most women find me attractive. I met a young woman a year ago who is now 20. There was sex involved in our past.

 

We crossed paths again and became intimate with each other. She stayed over a few days. There was a little bit of confusion and heartbreak when we were together because the sex wasn't quite working out. I told her that we probably would not be in a relationship because of our age difference. She slept on the couch that night and was a bit sad. My heart was somewhat broken too because I wanted to be romantic with her if that was her desire, knowing full well she will leave me someday. The sadness was definitely mutual, and nothing could really be done about it.

 

The next morning and few days afterwards have been strange. She is still here. She was in a situation were she needed a place to stay. We now have decided to live together . I told her that we are not really FWB's or monogamous lovers. I said to her that we needed to invent a new type of relationship. She grinned and nodded her head in anticipation, it was adorable! We then both agreed to our new relationship experiment.

 

Since then we have been spending time doing things together. I am mentoring her and trying to be on my best behavior. We have been doing relationship type stuff together, but its different. Maybe "relationship-lite" is a better word. I was trying to not be too heavy or come on to her at all in fact. She knows that she is allowed to see other guys, but I told her that she can not bring them home. Luckily I have cameras installed lol. Basically I told her that I want her to be free to live her life here, So there are no illusions.

 

It has actually been one of the best times ever just having our little home life together. She has been on the phone with guys she is going on dates with, so that is all out in the open. It stung a little bit at first but I shrugged it off and things have been fine since.

 

She came home one night, not long after she moved in. Was a bit tipsy and hitting on me hard. It was obvious she was trying to seduce the hell out of me. It got to the point were she was giggling because I had to use such effort to avoid the temptation. My only reason for shutting her down was just to give things some time first?

 

Now a week has past since then and I am worried. Should I even be having sex with her? Is she going to turn into a roommate who does not pay rent? Why didn't I just go along with it when she came home tipsy and wanted to pounce on me? The strange thing is that even though we have not been having sex or been intimate (and she is still on the couch), we have been having the greatest time together the last couple of days! Its obvious neither of us really want this little arrangement to end yet.

 

Some one please help me, What should I do? Is this a train wreck waiting to happen? or should I just go along with it if it feels right and makes us both happy for awhile?

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oldbutcurious

Did you not want the sex?

 

Well, if you enjoy the companionship and not the sex, then, just go ahead and continue the arrangement. But at least ask her some time if she won;t mind contributing to the expenses... even if only a little bit or what she can afford.

 

Sometimes, it feels good. I mean, well, I feel the same for a friend I am attracted with- we're not dating or anything because he is married, but we go out and enjoy talking and sharing meals. I would not mind ending in bed with him, tho. Nor would I ask for anything more if he is not offering.

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She was in a situation were she needed a place to stay.

 

^^^ Says it all probably.

 

Does she work?

Is she earning a decent amount?

Is she paying her share or have you just got involved with some woman who will use you until she can persuade some other younger guy to give her a bed for the night.

 

If the sex wasn't working out well and you have since pulled that aspect of your relationship and she is dating other guys, then where exactly do you see this going?

 

As it is, you seem to have now adopted the role of her Dad.

Edited by elaine567
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T

Talk to her. Tell her no matter what happens, she still has to pay rent. Because she may be 20, but there's lots of 20 year olds who know how to milk free meals, free rent, etc. out of men. I'm sure you are convinced she is guileless and innocent, but no innocent lives with a 40 year old man plying him with sex, so....

 

If this is confusing to you, the living arrangement, don't do it.

 

If she wants to date you, find that out by asking. But if you do then all these other dates of hers aren't going to set well with you or anyone human. So more talk is needed. And you need to be the adult but not look upon her as innocent and incapable of manipulation, because everyone is. Think back to when you were a teenager, for example.

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Did you not want the sex?

 

Well, if you enjoy the companionship and not the sex, then, just go ahead and continue the arrangement. But at least ask her some time if she won;t mind contributing to the expenses... even if only a little bit or what she can afford.

 

Sometimes, it feels good. I mean, well, I feel the same for a friend I am attracted with- we're not dating or anything because he is married, but we go out and enjoy talking and sharing meals. I would not mind ending in bed with him, tho. Nor would I ask for anything more if he is not offering.

 

I do want the sex! Its just that I got confused thinking I was doing the "right" thing with this style of arrangement. It was kind of more to protect her but now im seeing that she can probably handle herself just fine.

 

I finally sat her down to talk about stuff last night. Did it in the most non-confronting, non-serious way I could..But still with a gentle heart.

 

I explained to her that I loved seeing her just be happy and living her life there. Told her that things can stay the same and that would be cool. I also said some things about being in each others way if we are deciding to not be in an open type arrangement. That we would have to make arrangements for having alone time and such.

 

I also explained to her that I was holding back and she became interested in this. I told her that the reason I was doing this is because I did not want to take advantage of her and steal her youth from her. She didn't quite understand what I meant and indicated that its not a problem. Asked me why I even thought that way. It felt like we were bonding more in that moment for a bit. I told her that she could be right and maybe im wrong:cool:.

 

I didn't want to push it any further that night as I could see she was in a little bit of a head space about all this now. Maybe she needs some time to think today while im away, about what shes doing. lets hope lol.

 

This morning she was warm and seemed cozy in her surroundings before I left for work. Now its the weekend and we will be around each other more.

 

Thanks for all the advice so far. ALL of it is valid haha.

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Man, I don't know. I'm at least 10 years younger than you and feel like I've got some immature interests and hobbies for someone my age, and even I feel a bit weird gawking at girls that age.

 

What could you possibly have in common with someone like that other than a physical attraction?

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Man, I don't know. I'm at least 10 years younger than you and feel like I've got some immature interests and hobbies for someone my age, and even I feel a bit weird gawking at girls that age.

 

What could you possibly have in common with someone like that other than a physical attraction?

 

Thats the thing. Its just not that type of "relationship" and I don't think it really can be. That is actually a good point to remember though if I loose my head. It only works this way because I am in my 40's and the age gap between us is so giant.

 

Its more about just taking care of her and seeing she is loved and supported in general. Providing a happy environment. Almost like a mentor at times. Younger men would surely get annoyed by this as would anyone 10 years older than her now. For a guy like me who wasn't really even dating or anything it was a nice change to have a woman around the house. We are sharing good times and what we have in common is the fun task of trying to communicate with each other. It gets hilarious at times, but we are both having fun with it.

 

But no, we are worlds apart. That is kind of the whole point of our thing together. We can still connect even though we are in very different stages of life. Maybe if I just keep things light, everything will be ok. That is my hope. We will both eventually move on to the next thing when it is time I guess..

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I think you need to protect your heart.

It seems to me that whilst some young women do get used and abused by older men, I think older men do often come off the worst.

 

Older guy meets young women, she is impressed by his experience, his maturity and his possessions (car, house, nice things), things most 20 something yo men lack.

The younger woman then finds herself in a nice situation, she decides she wants to play house, the older man starts to feel comfortable, he starts to believe it could actually work, he has found himself a very mature 20 yo and he could actually bag himself a very young and gorgeous wife/LT gf... BUT as he is getting deeper invested, she is looking at the bright lights and realises that in her early twenties she doesn't want to play house any longer.

The guys her own age are now starting to look hotter, more like real men and more desirable and she doesn't want to be tied down to an older man any longer. She moves quickly and easily on, he is heartbroken his dreams shattered...

 

Keep your feet on the ground.

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I think you need to protect your heart.

It seems to me that whilst some young women do get used and abused by older men, I think older men do often come off the worst.

 

Older guy meets young women, she is impressed by his experience, his maturity and his possessions (car, house, nice things), things most 20 something yo men lack.

The younger woman then finds herself in a nice situation, she decides she wants to play house, the older man starts to feel comfortable, he starts to believe it could actually work, he has found himself a very mature 20 yo and he could actually bag himself a very young and gorgeous wife/LT gf... BUT as he is getting deeper invested, she is looking at the bright lights and realises that in her early twenties she doesn't want to play house any longer.

The guys her own age are now starting to look hotter, more like real men and more desirable and she doesn't want to be tied down to an older man any longer. She moves quickly and easily on, he is heartbroken his dreams shattered...

 

Keep your feet on the ground.

 

Thank you, Yes this is defiantly sound advice. And of course this very scenario is the one im hoping to avoid. It would be natural for her to move on from this if we were to get more deeply involved at some point. Its so easy to underestimate the effect it might have on me if I get used to her and then she goes though.

 

Makes me think perhaps I could be using this time better. At the same time this is quite the unique opportunity..this does not happen everyday ;)

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She's an adult, albeit a not very experienced adult. Enjoy the situation while you can, but don't get too attached - she is likely to move on as she figures out her life better.

 

Sometimes, though, these things work. A dear friend married a man 30 years older, and was very happy with that - until he died prematurely. She dated - older guys again, as she just prefers them. Then we had a FWB for 5 years, until she met someone else for a serious relationship - yes, he's older, but only by about 18 years. I think they'll get married eventually.

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Simple Logic

If you haven't had a vasectomy, I would not touch her with a 10 ft pole unless you want your new name to be DAD.

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Ahh ok, so this is kind of a disaster now I think but at least it woke me up to some old habits. She is still living with me.

 

Mistake#1: Thinking she was too young and not giving her a chance. I told her "I didn't want to steal her youth". This Immediately set her on the defensive and hurt her heart(this was easy to see). I stupidly told her that its ok for her to see guys while still living here. she probably took me up on that now. What was I going for an open relationship? I don't know, definitely backfired on me. I judged her prematurely and now that I have spent more time with her, as fate would have it, I like her more. Just great..:o.

 

Mistake #2: Not having sex with her when she came home drunk and was hitting on me hard. Again I was afraid for her. not realizing her potential as a young woman, and being a bit confused with the whole situation myself. Being afraid she was going to start manipulating me with sex or something to live there? She just viewed it as rejection is what im guessing. Awesome..there is strike 2 for me.

 

So of course after all that its not surprising that she moves away when I tried to kiss her(after changing my mind about her lol). And then I remember that I have been shut down about 2 or 3 times in a row now recently. And so it felt like I had to stop trying. She would have been receptive before to touch and advances but I think now she might think I am just being a wuss and not making a move, or can't make up my mind, or whatever.

 

And maybe I am being a coward? Or maybe I am following my heart. I felt that feeling of wanting some one again. And dammit there she is right in front of me. And now its going to be either really fun or very uncomfortable. I love hanging out with her and doing things together, and maybe that's what it will be: Just a really nice friendship. I put myself in the friend zone, so now I may just have to deal.

 

I think I might be ready for something more serious with someone and that maybe she is just making that part of my heart "wake up". Whether or not we become a couple might not make a difference in the long term view of things. And at the same time I am wondering why I have a habit of trying to make every relationship a deep intimate one. I feel like maybe I can't relax and just go with the moment, that I need to learn to be better with casual situations.

 

I feel like I can sacrifice for a few months so that she can not worry about things and have a break from life. She has nowhere to go and does not want to return home. There is some one else that I am kind of interested in who would be a much better match for me who of course, started flirting with me when I got in the situation that im in now:laugh:. It wouldn't surprise me if that opportunity is gone now as well. What a mess.

 

:confused: Kind of just confused in general right now. It feels like im doing everything wrong and I can't stop.

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You made a mistake by telling her she can see other guys (which she has) and you not dating. You should be going out dating other women. Right now you are the old man who sits at home waiting on her.

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OK, I didn't wanna say anything originally, but this latest post is forcing my hand!

 

I think this has always been about you being emotionally and physically intimate with this woman, but you wanted to frame it as some sort of weird mentorship.

 

I think you need to cut bait. Even if you two were hooking up and being more couple-y, there would still be this unspoken pushback from a lot of people around you who would take a glance as you two as a couple and deduce that it's mostly fueled by the age-old desires of a younger woman wanting the financial security an older guy provides and an older guy wanting a younger, attractive woman on his arm.

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OK, I didn't wanna say anything originally, but this latest post is forcing my hand!

 

I think this has always been about you being emotionally and physically intimate with this woman, but you wanted to frame it as some sort of weird mentorship.

 

I think you need to cut bait. Even if you two were hooking up and being more couple-y, there would still be this unspoken pushback from a lot of people around you who would take a glance as you two as a couple and deduce that it's mostly fueled by the age-old desires of a younger woman wanting the financial security an older guy provides and an older guy wanting a younger, attractive woman on his arm.

 

I think your right. In part I wanted to make this safe/less-involved by suggesting an open relationship, suggesting she could date..etc. . But then I realized the mistake I made too late.

 

Out in public is really funny actually. If we are being happy and doing something fun together I do notice people smiling and being extra nice and paying attention. But then when we are walking around just normally, everyone gives dirty looks and thinks I am a bastard. There was an interesting moment in a bike shop were we ran into another age difference couple. The woman was about 48 and her guy was probably 25-28, I gave her a special wink:laugh:.

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OK, so she has been kind of eating too much and getting fat. The weight gain is from a pregnancy that will be aborted soon. She talks on the phone all the time. It has dawned on me that she was a teenager only one year ago. There is some fight going on with her friend from what I over hear in the phone conversations (all day). Yikes!

 

But then she has a sweet side that comes out. She can be very intelligent and fun. Dinner talks are really nice.

 

She goes out a lot and im fine with that. There is no jealousy. I think the reason that a romance didn't happen is because I subcounciously sensed disaster and pulled back:cool:. Although she is wonderfull and I adore her. I think she is in self destruct mode and is going to learn a hard leson in life.

 

Im going to be supportive and all that but I don't think this will last much longer..

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Jason Van Jason

When I was 23 years old, I dated a woman who was over 50. She had oodles and oodles of money, through owning several apartment buildings. I remember the first time I had ever realized we were dating.. I was driving her $80,000 truck around, collecting rent, in cash, from all the people who didn't pay via online and I just remember opening the truck's console and counting over 25 G's in cash and was just like.. "How the **** did this happen?.. Well, I guess we're dating!"

 

Fast forward a year later, we were engaged, set to be married within the month, when she drops the bomb that she was signing all of her property, every last inch of it, into her sisters name. In addition, at the time, we were both drug addicts and her, a sex addict, who slept with other men, other than myself, I just enjoyed the money.

 

Once I learned there would be no more money in our relationship, it became this thing where I was set to be married to an old woman, with no money and a severe drug habit. I said mother **** that noise and left within 2 days.

 

Happily engaged, to single, in 2 days.

 

She wants something from you and for now, she is getting it, but you gotta ask yourself, for how long?

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Who is the baby by?

 

Are you going out and dating now?

 

She does not know as it turns out! :bunny:

Gosh damn what was I thinking.

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Why are you doing this to yourself? You are 43 for god's sake and you are acting like an emotional tampon. Where are your male friends to pull you out of this?

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But then she has a sweet side that comes out. She can be very intelligent and fun. Dinner talks are really nice.

Despite her chronological age, she is still a child while you are already an adult. Adults can have fun and intelligent conversations with children. Adults are meant to have the intelligence and insight to be able to recognize children's sweet side and amazing potential.

 

Adults are not meant to romanticize that in any way, and are meant to have the good sense and self-control to not take advantage of children's innocence or lack of worldly (adult) experience.

 

Adults are meant to be properly and appropriately supportive and helpful, not adoring in an unhealthy way nor critical and judgmental. Of course there should be no jealousy from an adult against a child.

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Okay so, I understand where you're coming from. You are out of practice of dating and relationships and stuck in a holding pattern of doing nothing out of comfort, and even though you know she is not right for you, she is sort of like a test-run. Sometimes a test-run is necessary to "wake you up" to what you have been missing and helps to get your feet wet again. Almost like to prepare you for the real thing. I went through this too. I hadn't dated in a long time and wasn't even sure if I could again but I was stuck in a rut and the first guy I got with, I knew it wouldn't last, but he helped me get out of my rut and helped me to be ready for what I was too afraid to have before.

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Okay so, I understand where you're coming from. You are out of practice of dating and relationships and stuck in a holding pattern of doing nothing out of comfort, and even though you know she is not right for you, she is sort of like a test-run. Sometimes a test-run is necessary to "wake you up" to what you have been missing and helps to get your feet wet again. Almost like to prepare you for the real thing. I went through this too. I hadn't dated in a long time and wasn't even sure if I could again but I was stuck in a rut and the first guy I got with, I knew it wouldn't last, but he helped me get out of my rut and helped me to be ready for what I was too afraid to have before.

 

Damn. Yep its a test run alright. I was curious what it would be like living with a woman again. Part of the reason (secretly)I let her live with me was to see if I could handle it :lmao: I am not being sarcastic about this.

 

Very interesting.

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