I need to email a man I like, he cannot email me!

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi folks, okay this is a tricky situation for me and I'll try to describe it in a nutshell

I was being bullied at work and a guy helped me there who is in a senior role, pretty high up

When I went to see him, the topic of conversation moved on to our private lives and some shared interests and it got a bit personal, there was a chemistry there and the conversation flowed, if it had been a speed date we would have seen each other again lol

I thanked him, then noticed he walked past my desk at work ( he works in a different building ) and he waved at me

There had always been a " thing " between us, some electricity, at one point we saw each other and he ignored me and I ignored him and actually it was because we liked each other

So we saw each other a few more times, sometimes at official meetings and sometimes in the street, I'd see him around a lot and he walked past my desk a few times as well - one day I caught him looking at me through a shop window while I was doing my shopping! I caught him up and we had a convo and there was a lot of tension and strong eye contact

 

Because he is in a high up position we couldn't make it obvious to anybody that we knew each other well, couldn't even send emails or anything, it would have been unethical of him to do anything with me, one time he called me up on the phone because we couldn't act as if we knew each other well in an email, this is a government organisation and political

 

Anyway I got a new job and left the company, before I left I emailed him to say that I was leaving and in a formal email, said I hoped we'd stay in touch in the future, it was ambiguous, anyone reading it would have thought it was just a formality, he emailed back and said yes, please stay in touch

 

That was about five weeks ago - and actually the day I left I saw him in the town which was unusual, I never saw him there before and he may have been there hoping to see me - I pretended not to see him though as I was out with my mum!

 

He can't email me now, he has my personal email only on company documents which I filled out when I joined the organisation he is in and head of, he would be unable to use that or my mobile to contact me personally so I need to email him and I'm nervous about it, I'll email him from my personal email so hopefully he will reply to that from his personal email and we can talk freely, I only have his work email address

 

I am nervous about what to say, we never declared feelings outright, we couldn't but something was definitely there, I showed my interest by attending his meetings and saying hello to him when I saw him, he showed his by running into me on purpose and walking past my desk at work, he couldn't do anymore, neither could I because of his position! We had to cover things up from everyone

 

I think I should just make the email short and sweet and say hello and I'm doing well in my new job and stuff....and say I hope he's doing well, I don't want to ask him out for a coffee or anything yet, just get talking and hopefully he'll do that or take a hint, I have no expectations, I'm just nervous about doing it because I feel embarrassed like my intentions will be transparent, I'm not used to doing the first moves....!

 

Any tips for what I should do or put in the email? Bear in mind this is a delicate situation, work emails can be intercepted so I need to be clever and subtle when I send it! Would appreciate any help in this dilemma, thank you XX

Edited June 11, 2016 by Dear Lady Disdain

[carhill]

IMO, if things have to be that secretive, it doesn't bode well for any sort of solid long-term relationship.

 

Since he has your mobile number nothing is stopping him from calling you from all sorts of potential pathways none of which have anything to do with his official job, of course presuming he wants to. One that comes to mind is one I used when overseas to call folks back at home, Skype, from the hotel's broadband service where I happened to be.

 

One area to examine, IMO, is the allure of secrecy. Would it be as interesting if either of you could simply ask the other out on a date without care? Unknown.

[Buddhist]

Personally I think you are seeing things that just aren't there. He knows your personal email address and if he wanted to he could send you an email from his personal account, so that no-one at work would ever know. But he didn't? Why not?

 

Do what you've got to do but I would not all be surprised if you get pretty much nothing from this person. If he was ever interested in personal contact those private conversations you've both had outside of the workplace would have amounted to something like an exchange of numbers etc.

 

Sometimes people just read what they want to read into situations and tell themselves all sorts of stories about why the other person does not reciprocate their interest.

[lolablue17]

You talk about it as you spy for Isis. Just send him an E-mail, saying Hi + "Do you have a private Email box?"

 

If he wants to stay in touch, he will give you his private email, and then set up a meeting through mails. Why is it so complicated?

[stillafool]

That was about five weeks ago - and actually the day I left I saw him in the town which was unusual, I never saw him there before and he may have been there hoping to see me - I pretended not to see him though as I was out with my mum!

 

What does your mum have to do with it? You could still speak to him. I think after 5 weeks you should have heard from him if he were interested.

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm getting the vibe that either this guy is MUCH older than you, or he's married.

 

Which one?

 

Since you completely ignored the guy when you were out with your mom - to the point where you wouldn't even wave or say hi to him - then there's a reason for it. And I'm assuming it's because your mother wouldn't approve of him..

 

So which is it? Is he twice your age or is he married?

[Els]

Why couldn't you say hi to him when you met him outside while with your mum?

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Lois Griffin and whoever else wants to make smart or nasty comments on this thread, no he is NOT married, yes he is older than I am and you would need to know about my history with my mum and that I was suffering from extreme paranoia at the time due to toxicity in the workplace to know why I felt we couldn't have a cosy chat that day, plus I was NERVOUS around him, that's another reason I was questioning whether I should really contact him

I was his client like a client who is defended by a lawyer, he offered to defend me officially against the bullying, hence why the situation was a sensitive one

We never did casual chit chat, it didn't feel that way so would have felt awkward having a chat with him with my mum, he didn't know I saw him, it was out of the very corner of my eye!

I was also unsure of why he would walk past my desk, act awkward around me and one time completely ignored me in the street

And before someone gleefully says well that's because he knew you liked him, no it was not, the next few days I saw him staring at me through a shop window and he was waiting for me outside

Yes he may have seen me as this plaything, was wary of pursuing this

 

But Jesus, hang, draw and quarter me why don't you ;-) I've given you some answers, satisfied now???

[Cherryz]

Are you sure you not looking to much into his kindness?

Or maybe he like you just. And is married so he keeps it that way.

And you like him just cause he helped you out and think he into you...?

 

If he into you and available he would have call you and give you his number or

come up with a plan. Men know what to do when they are into you and want you.

 

I think you shouldn't contact him to ask him for coffee or so.

First thing you should figure out is if he is single and you can then only let him know you like him and if he interested he will ask you or give you his information.

 

Even-thou i think if he really was into you , he would have take action when you told him you leaving.

The way he reacted on your email shows that he was just friendly to you and not available or want to take things further.

[bathtub-row]

Bullying at work?? That's horrible. I hope you got that worked out, even if you did leave.

 

I think you're right that there's a mutual attraction between you and this guy. However, because he has means of contacting you, I think it would be a bad idea for you to contact him. There is something holding him back and I doubt it's the reason you think it is. You may want to read the book, "Getting To 'I Do'". It talks about all the possible reasons why a guy doesn't approach or pursue a woman, and how it can backfire on a woman if she pursues the guy in any way. It's a great book and I think you'll understand what I'm talking about if you read it.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thank you for your replies, I'm in a much better job now thankfully with really nice people, luckily I moved on and put the bullying behind me, I am no longer the team scapegoat, my new team is so different

This man was kind throughout in his professional role, maybe he was just checking I was doing okay

Two other possibilities are, he is a strict Buddhist, maybe that could be why lol I am a temptation and also he is much older than me, no oil painting and I look young for my age

Or maybe he has a partner

 

Anyway I have decided NOT to contact him, you are all right and I know deep down if he was interested he could contact me, I don't want to pursue an unavailable man, been there done that and it's time to let this one go

 

Thank you! You have confirmed what I was feeling deep down inside all along.....Xxx