blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 As many of you may know, I have a male best friend who during spaces between our various relationships we have been FWB, which is kind of what we are now. I love Mr. T dearly, we say "I love you" to each other occassionally - he's the longest standing relationship I've had, I was friends with him before I ever met my exH. Both of us have had problems in our relationships because of our friendship - we've given each other up for a year + because our partners were jealous. Now, we date, but both of us always say "don't question my relationship with T/otter." T is the one who was at my house the time my ex broke in. My ex tried to strangle him. T is very very very protective of me, if it weren't for him I wouldn't have pressed charges. He has labeled the guy I have been dating recently as a "douchebag" and has said I should stop seeing him, said that douchebag is too controlling and also he saw said douchebag hitting on "some fat chicks" at the club he works at, and "you don't deserve that." Lately, well pretty much almost every night, T has ended up showing up at my house somewhere between 3-5am, after he gets home from the bars. Weekends we hang out together all the time. We haven't had sex, though, well we did last saturday, which was fun, and we spent all day sunday together. He doesn't usually try for sex. One night he tugged at the drawstring on my pants and I said, nope, sorry, I'm tired, and he left it alone and just snuggled up to me. We talk every day, on the days I drive to work (when I don't carpool) he always calls me at work and asks me to stop by for 20-30 min. to hang out before he has to go to work, and we pretty much see each other every night. Last night he came over yet again and hopped onto my bed with a "It's your 3am wakeup call!" We always talk for a bit (he has a key and lets himself in), he saw his ex last night and talked to her for an hour or so, he was depressed. He was laying next to me and I was half asleep, as I'd been asleep when he came in, and he started gently caressing me all over. It felt nice, but weird, because we aren't really tender like that to each other, and I think he thought I was asleep, which I mostly was - I mean I could tell he was rubbing me all over, not like down my pants or anything, but just caressing me, but I was half-asleep half-awake, it was almost like a strange, visceral dream. I fell asleep with him running his hands over my body, and in the morning I was still dressed, so I'm sure nothing happened....it was just that, the way he touched me, it was different than it has been before. And I can't say I don't like it, but I don't - because I am f*cked up when it comes to relationships, I don't want to lose him, we are best friends, I don't want to confuse things like that. I am ademant about it. We both date other people, though, we never go out on "dates" with each other. We eat together every other day, my Mom loves him and thinks that we're dating because his car is at my house every morning. She always sends him "homecooked food" - which he loves, because he loves my Mom's cooking. I adore T, I really do, but I don't know what's going on now. I've been kissing him goodbye every morning when I go to work, and sleeping with him next to me almost every night for the last 2 weeks or so, and it's starting to "feel" like a relationship and that makes me feel panicky and weird. Why does it always have to get WEIRD? Why have we been able to be friends for the past 6 years and now things are getting weird? I think it might just be me. We both spend so much time trying to get each other to date other people it's almost comical. But I know how a man feels about me when he touches me. I know a sexual touch, a sensual touch, and a loving touch - and last night it was a loving touch. And my body responded, definately, noticeably - but my mind is totally rejecting the sensation that his touch created in me. I hate this so much. I don't want to lose my bestfriend. I can't let this happen. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 So, lets see. You tell each other "I love you." He has a key to your house. You spend most nights sleeping next to each other. You've had sex. You are good friends and have been through thick and thin. Your mom likes him. Umm, sounds like he's your boyfriend already. What is holding you back for really seeing, or announcing it for what it is? Also, what else would you do with or give to a boyfriend that you keep from Mr. T? It sounds like you already have done it all. P.S. I love calling him Mr. T. "I pity the fool" Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 who predicted this yesterday? in your thread about the convict ex? Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 T is a really bad influence on B_O, so she says. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 I dunno. We talked about it the other day, joking that I always spoil my BF's too much, so now instead of doing that I just spoil him, instead. Mr. T is a total jackass in relationships, too. We often say too much to each other - especially those crazy drunken nights where we get totally smashed together. I keep thinking if it were a real relationship, like where we actually called each other BF or GF, that it would end in a firey frenzy of horrible awfulness. I screw up every relationship I'm in. I don't want to lose this one with my own stupidity. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Maybe you two are dating other people so much to avoid the true feelings you each have for each other? Maybe you both know/feel a deeper connection/love than just friendship/sex? Maybe it scares you both so you try and cover yourselves with the veil of "FWB" for fear of being hurt emotionally and losing what you two have?!?!?! (Just some thoughts) Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Plus he does coke. I am trying to quit so I can't really be around it that much. We used to go out together all the time (ironically my 8 day coke binge was with a totally separate group of friends, and Mr. T wasn't involved with the binge....was he out of town? I think he was.) but now we've been hanging out at my house or his house or out at dinner, because he goes out drinking all the time and I'm trying not to. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Well, I just think you already crossed the friendship line with all the sexual and physical activity, ya know? Some part of you wants this, or else you wouldn't end up in bed together. I have a couple male friends who I looove but could never imagine getting sexual with. There is something that allowed the two of you to go there... Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Plus he does coke. I am trying to quit so I can't really be around it that much. We used to go out together all the time (ironically my 8 day coke binge was with a totally separate group of friends, and Mr. T wasn't involved with the binge....was he out of town? I think he was.) but now we've been hanging out at my house or his house or out at dinner, because he goes out drinking all the time and I'm trying not to. Think he'd ever be willing to get clean with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by Barby Maybe you two are dating other people so much to avoid the true feelings you each have for each other? Maybe you both know/feel a deeper connection/love than just friendship/sex? Maybe it scares you both so you try and cover yourselves with the veil of "FWB" for fear of being hurt emotionally and losing what you two have?!?!?! (Just some thoughts) yes yes yes and yes. sigh. I am afraid of intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama Think he'd ever be willing to get clean with you? I wouldn't ask that, just because I would want him to get clean for himself before anything else. I want him to value himself and his own future enough to make that decision on his own. I want him to love HIMSELF enough to get clean. That's why I'm trying, for me and only me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Plus he does coke. I am trying to quit so I can't really be around it that much. We used to go out together all the time (ironically my 8 day coke binge was with a totally separate group of friends, and Mr. T wasn't involved with the binge....was he out of town? I think he was.) but now we've been hanging out at my house or his house or out at dinner, because he goes out drinking all the time and I'm trying not to. Girl, I hope he can stop this, at least tone it down..maybe he does it to avoid dealing with his feelings?!?!?! Originally posted by blind_otter yes yes yes and yes. sigh. I am afraid of intimacy. I can see that...understand that....and the fact that you two have been close soooooooo long probably only intensifies that fear because he's been a "stability" in your life and that you need....so your fear is not allowing you to progress normally with the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 i think you two need to get s*** faced and discuss this like two adults! the truth will come out then and then you will not have such inhibitions in saying why you think it is not a good idea, at least not now. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I wouldn't ask that, just because I would want him to get clean for himself before anything else. I want him to value himself and his own future enough to make that decision on his own. I want him to love HIMSELF enough to get clean. That's why I'm trying, for me and only me.... I dig that, but people can serve as inspiration for change in others. Maybe he would like to clean up hasn't voiced it? Does he know you're trying? It seems like a waste if you have so many other things in common but drugs stand in the way- though you're right, you have to think of yourself first and foremost. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Right after I miscarried last year, we did ecstasy together just me and him, and he held me for a long time and we talked. It was what I needed from my exBF but would never get from him. But we are both putting up a wall. I don't think that he would have caressed me like that had I been awake. He was drunk and thought I was sleeping and indulged a desire. I sometimes let myself falter and think for a moment that we could be together. But I just feel too bad about myself right now, all things considered - I feel like he deserves a mentally stable person, not a nutjob like me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Well we had a talk last night and I said you can't sleep over at my house anymore and we need to take a break from having sex, because in all honesty I'm starting to have more feelings than I feel comfortable feeling. Of course this is when he was laying in bed next to me watching comedy central while his laundry was drying, har har har. So he left, we had a nice, platonic, dry, close-mouthed, quick kiss, and then he proceeded to go out last night and get completely trashed, and he called me this morning at 7am, I was getting ready for work and he was still up from the night before. I think in a way he was looking for comfort more than anything else. I know he feels desperately lonely, and he's still smarting from a prolonged and unnecessarily drawn out breakup with his exGF, and I've always offered him whatever succor he needs, which sometimes is physical. But he also said, well I don't want to hook up anymore anyways because I need to chase some strange! Hah, he is feeling so bad about himself lately that he couldn't get a running start and FALL into some poonani. I love him, yes, but not enough to (a) deal with his daily cocaine habit (b) gie up our friendship for something that could crash and burn © stop chasing strange. Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I love him, yes, but not enough to (a) deal with his daily cocaine habit (b) gie up our friendship for something that could crash and burn © stop chasing strange. a) good for you. I agree, he has to do it for himself, and you for yourself. I think its a good idea that you take some time apart and really evaluate things - your life, your direction. I have no problems with drugs at all, but I know how it f*cks things up when addiction is involved. I know that you know the path of addiction, so I won't say anymore. b) you have gone way beyond friendship. Stop deluding yourself and recognize that you crossed that line long ago. c) Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Originally posted by Israfil a) good for you. I agree, he has to do it for himself, and you for yourself. I think its a good idea that you take some time apart and really evaluate things - your life, your direction. I have no problems with drugs at all, but I know how it f*cks things up when addiction is involved. I know that you know the path of addiction, so I won't say anymore. b) you have gone way beyond friendship. Stop deluding yourself and recognize that you crossed that line long ago. c) RE: (b) - I dunno, doesn't it take two people to have a relationship? I'm pretty sure he's spent the entire time repeating over and over to himself, like a mantra "she's only a friend, she's only a friend" - Mr.T could easily become a user if I let him, that's what he does in relationships - that's his "f*cked up thing" - so I just don't let him in that far. The wall..... Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter RE: (b) - I dunno, doesn't it take two people to have a relationship? I'm pretty sure he's spent the entire time repeating over and over to himself, like a mantra "she's only a friend, she's only a friend" - Mr.T could easily become a user if I let him, that's what he does in relationships - that's his "f*cked up thing" - so I just don't let him in that far. The wall..... Of course it takes two people to have a relationship. And from the sounds of things, he most certainly participated. But I think I was just trying to get you to admit that you are emotionally (whether its reciprocated or not) in a quasi-relationship with him. Just be honest with yourself about your true feelings towards him. I still think you should try and create some distance between the two of you, so you can try to think about things with a clear head. Not NC for a long time, but maybe a few days, a week perhaps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Originally posted by Israfil Of course it takes two people to have a relationship. And from the sounds of things, he most certainly participated. But I think I was just trying to get you to admit that you are emotionally (whether its reciprocated or not) in a quasi-relationship with him. Just be honest with yourself about your true feelings towards him. I still think you should try and create some distance between the two of you, so you can try to think about things with a clear head. Not NC for a long time, but maybe a few days, a week perhaps. When he called this morning he was already making plans for tonight, oh let's go to blahblahblah. I think it might be because he said he would meet someone there so I'm going to back out of hanging with him tonight. I would only end up doing coke anyways. Blah. I am just not into anyone right now. I can't muster up the energy. Depression..... Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 I knew this would happen! BO I think you will end up marrying him one day Actually I'd like to bet on it. The most sucessfull realtionships are the lovers that are best friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 I dunno. I'm still in love with my exH to be honest with you. He called recently and is getting out in August for a year of work release in Tampa. Which is 2 hours away from me. And he gets weekend furlows. The plot thickens. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Why the heck would you do that? You got divorced for a reason, your in therapy to sort this kind of crap out and remember the "Deal Breakers' obviously your ex H had many or he wouldn't be your EX. Like I've said before you have an awful lot to offer a relationship what COULD an ex conn offer you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Sigh. Maybe I'm romanticizing everything with my exHusband. I haven't really seen him in almost a year, and we were separated a year before he went to prison, so it's been like 2 years and I still think about him. The reasons we got divorced, in retrospect, were complicated and dumb. My miscarriage, his incarceration (which I will never agree was a just thing, because it was for growing pot, and I don't think that's wrong nor do I recall his cultivation practiced hurting anyone), my suddenly onset of epilepsy. I think about all the bad choices I made and I guess I just miss the security of knowing that I would always be with that person. I never felt that with my psycho ex-BF, because he was never around for more than 4 days at a time. I'm all messed up. When I think of Mr.T, I think good thoughts -I care about him and love him - but I wouldn't want to have his babies. I don't get weak in the knees or ever say "T, you are so dreamy" - I'm probably in the process of emotionally distancing myself from him in my mind, as I write. I am pushing away as far as I can. My right eyelid is twitching uncontrollably today. I think it must be stress. If it doesn't stop soon I'm going home. It even twitches in my sleep, it started last night. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 It started last night because T wasn't there!! ( teasing) Greg used to be my best friend, I was never attracted to him untill one day he just grew on me. he made me feel comfortable and I USED to be able to tell him everything. He was my best bud for 3 years before I decided to date him. I don't think you we're ever really in love with your last Ex B/f he and his mother we're assclowns your we're better than them and you always knew it. You have to go thru some bad relationships so you can enjoy the good ones... ( God I should take my own darn advice!!!) Link to post Share on other sites
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