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Unsure of what this is


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New account, couldn't remember my old account from years ago.

 

 

I'll try to make a long story short.

 

 

Friends for years. Dating? (never had a "tag" put on what this is) for roughly 5 months now. She is in the process of divorce. (please don't just shoot right at the rebound thing, although I will agree, I do feel that way sometimes).

 

 

As it sits right now, I'm unsure of where I am with this woman.

 

 

She's always been a happy person as long as I've known her, we've always had great communication (laughs, tears, etc). We have always got along great as friends, but were never intimate.

 

 

As for her soon to be ex-husband, I've never really known him well except in passing and what friends tell me about him. Friends (that have known them for much longer than I have) have told me that he is very controlling, self-centered, possessive, etc (This is the image I have of him just in words, not actions that I have personally seen myself) They also tell me that she has been wanting out for years, but stayed because of the children and a fear of losing them to him, as well as a fear of how volatile he can be.

 

 

Skip forward, she left him some time ago. We would hang out on a regular basis as friends, with friends... then it obviously happened, and we slept together. After being together intimately several times, we started acting like a couple in front of our friends. We've been "together"? for months now, but it hadn't been brought to her husbands attention until a couple weeks ago when he saw my vehicle outside of her place, and obviously he had his thoughts and a meltdown, threatening her and myself.

 

 

Early on, we did discuss the fact that he would find out at some point, but it was a short lived conversation. I felt that he should be told, but she did not want him to know at the time (and even now). I took this at face value and didn't pry into her as to why. I just assumed it was her fear of him, losing the kids, etc. (not for nothing, but this weighs heavily in my thoughts on a regular basis. Be it he was told/found out earlier, or later, I would assume he would be PO'd either way).

 

 

Anyways, we cooled it off for a bit to let the dust settle. During that time, she would text me about her day and I would respond about mine, and she would always say I miss you. One of the first texts I got from her was after a few days since the meltdown by her husband, and it stated that he had gone off the deep end, thanks for giving her space and time, and that she wanted me to know that she did miss me and was sorry for putting me in this predicament.

 

 

Anyways, we have recently started seeing/sleeping together again. Before the "time off" period, we would do all kinds of things together, other than just having sex.

 

 

So, during our time together, she has said many things to me on an intimate/personal level, things that a "happy couple" would say to each other. (I could go on and on about things she has said, but I'm trying to keep this short and not turn it into a novel. So just think of you SO and what he/she says to you, the important little things that make all the difference). I too have said many things to her, and believe I have let her see what my intentions are as far as "us" is concerned, without being pushy or needy. We both reciprocate those feeling when either one of us says anything. I have always felt that she was being honest in her words to me, as I always have been with her.

 

 

So this brings me to the one thing she says when we are together and not together and just texting/talking on the phone. She always states "soon enough" we won't be having to sneak around and hide....

 

 

This is where I am. I don't know what "we"? are, and where this is going. I want to ask her at some point, but don't want to seem needy/pushy or look like we need a label. But how to do this is beyond me, I have never been in a situation like this. In the past, I was either in a relationship/had a girlfriend, or I was single. So I guess I'm confused at this point. One part of me (My heart) says this could be a great thing, but another part of me says your just being used (hence the rebound comment at the beginning of this post).

 

 

Any and all replies are welcome. I can post more info if needed since I kept this short as possible.

 

 

Have a great day all.

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You're not going to know if you're a real we until the divorce is over and the child custody arrangements worked out and some time has passed because those things will be at the forefront of her mind until it's all over and she can breathe again. Don't start asking for commitment until all that is over. Give her space when she needs it.

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imtooconfused
She always states "soon enough" we won't be having to sneak around and hide....

 

Even if you don't know what it is, your girlfriend seems to get the picture. You are having an full-fledged affair with a married woman. She is still in the process of the divorce and by "dating" you, she is putting her custody and divorce settlement at risk. That's why she's reluctant to even admit to herself that it's an affair. Also she understands that her husband has every right to be angry that she is seeing someone else during the "working on the divorce" period, not justified in going off the deep end, but certainly justified in being mad. She knows she is in the wrong there.

 

On the positive side, by your account, she seems to want to cool things off, but has not gone completely cold. She is giving you hope that her mess may someday come to an end and you won't have to sneak around. If you can be the man that she wants you to be, you won't have to worry too much about being the rebound-guy.

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I truly appreciate the replies.

 

 

We live in a No-Fault divorce state, the state does not care why 2 people are getting divorced (unless marital assets have been spent on a third party outside of the marriage). The courts are in place here in a divorce for separation of marital assets and custody if one parent is proved to be unfit (which I don't believe either is in this case, but I'm not a lawyer :) )

 

 

We have cooled things off, but are still in contact as we were before, talking on the phone and texting. Also, it's kind of childish, but we have to "sneak around" to see each other now. She will come to my place for the evening or vise versa, but we have to park away from where we live. We've seen each other few times since the "incident". As a matter of fact, she was here this evening for a few hours and we just chatted the evening away. She went out with some friends after work and then called and surprised me that she would be coming by (obviously, we left her car somewhere else and not at my place).

 

 

She did consult with a divorce attorney as far as assets and custody. Her and her husband pretty much have the assets worked out except for the house (sadly, he does not and has not ever held a steady job, and being that he only has minimal income, he will most likely lose the home, btw, she moved out of the house when they split and got herself an apartment). As far as custody, right now they are sharing custody, but her son does live with his father (school, friends, etc). He comes over on the weekends and is now spending 3-4 days a week at her place (which the attorney said is better for her if it comes down to a custody battle. The more time he can spend ay moms, the better for her, and for them as mom/son).

 

 

So at this point, I'll take the advice from both of you, and just leave this question off the table, unless she brings it up.

Edited by 2014F150
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