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Ex best friend won't stop texting me, told him didn't want to be friends, was i wrong


HowMightI-live

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HowMightI-live

Okay, this is a pretty long story. It goes all the way back to my freshman year in high school and I'm 21 now, but will summarize as best i can. So like i said, freshman year i meant him. We had like a group. Our little clique. We would always hang out, cut class, the whole works together. But me and him were closer than anyone else. We were like two peas and a pod basically. When i was like 16 one of my other friends. the only other girl in our group (i hung out with a bunch of guys) had told me that my best friends, lets call him Jeff, had liked me.

 

 

 

And i wasn't very surprised. I had had my suspicions just because of the way he was with me. Kinda overly protective when it came to guys and the non stop texting and things like that. I decided that i would go on like nothing had ever been said. I didn't want to go there with him. I didn't want to confront him. And i didn't quite know why. I mean, he was a great guy, funny, attractive and i still couldn't shake that uncomfortable feeling of it all just not feeling right. Another year went by and things seemed to be pretty normal. He never brought up the whole liking me thing. I had dated a guy briefly at 17, we dated for 3 weeks and then i called it off. It too didnt feel right. That entire time Jeff refused to talk to me. He was obviously bothered, but never said why. He didn't have to though, because i knew. The year 17 was also a crucial year for me because i had realised i was lesbian. I felt interested, connected and attracted to girls the way I didnt with guys. None of my friends believed me. I didnt look like a lesbian to them therefore i wasnt. Be i knew i was. it explained my lack of interest and excitement toward guys. Jeff told me i was in a phase.

 

 

 

 

fast forward on to now. We are no longer friends. I started dating my first gf at age 18. By then me and him begin having problems. He always seemed hostile and angry at me. He suddenly became homophobic and would make homophobic comments that bothered me. Because we were no longer in high school i took it as an opportunity to distance myself from him. He would call to hangout and unless it was with all my other friends i wouldnt hang. I didnt want to be alone with him. By then the flirtatious advances had begun. The first time it had happened i was taken aback. He had tried to kiss me, one night while i was staying over at his house. I told him no. That i didnt have feelings for him in that way. For the remaining of that night he tried kissing me about 3 more times and even begin trying to cuddle me in bed. Over and over again i told him no. Everytime more firmly than the last. This made my gf very upset and she told me she wouldnt be comfortable with me spending time alone with him anymore and i had agreed.

 

 

 

 

thats about the time i stopped seeing him as much. We would all still hangout on fridays or saturdays but we stopped chilling everyday. We had relationships and jobs and school. There was no more time to sit around being kids all day anymore. Over the next year i had noticed that he was becoming more and more erratic toward me, to the point where i was questioning his mental state. Me and my friends all were. We knew he was on hard drugs during this time but we all had our little problems as well so no one was judging. But it was just weird. he had went from a happy, funny, full of life person to a hostile, negative person. My friend thought maybe he was going through depression. He didn't seem to get out much. Throughout the years we started to spend less and less time together. The reason being was because every time i would see him, he would try to touch/kiss me. He would send inappropriate to the point of explicit text msg to me. I felt like i was becoming a tape recorder every time i told him "no, stop, you're making me uncomfortable" And even then, i didn't want to let him go. I wanted to preserve our friendship. I wanted to go back to when we were 14 and best friends. I pleaded with him to stop acting the way he was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This continued to go on for some time. The final straw was sometime last year. I was drunk at his house and he had tried to take advantage of me. In his defense, he was pretty high that night but still, i just couldnt forgive. Every time i tried to, i would remember coming in and out.consciousness, him laying next to me....touching me. To this day i still dont remember exactly what happened that night, but he swears he stopped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I dont believed he raped me or anything. I think i would know if a penis had been inside me for the first time, i would feel it. But even considering the fact that he could be capable of that freaks me out. That it would enter his head to touch me, that had i not came to and stopped him, he would have continued to violate me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After that happened i stopped seeing him all together, stopped returning his calls. He would call me 10, 20 even 30 times a day. whetherond he would text that he lovedintGMe((n 5 miinsinuatingingnali was a biitch. I would ignore all this. He would text that he hated me and call me homophobic names. He would say rude things about my gf. He would text me throughout the entire day. Every day. I would ignore him but he would still text me randoms things, some times insults, some times explicit. This went on for some time. Slowly he started texting me less and less but would still text. The texts stopped seeming erratic and all over the place. He would text maybe once or twice a daya nd it would usually be hello and gn. I still continued to ignore him for fear of what would happen if i reached out. But i loved him and still do. The old him.

 

 

 

 

 

5 months ago i made the mistake of seeing him one last time. He had seemed stable through commication. I started texting him a little. Just small chat. I wanted to know how his life was going and would tell him about mine. Whenever i would be busy or just didnt feel like texting, he wouldnt bombard me with text. It would always be guess your busy, gn or something like that. I took that as a sign that he was finally doing better. My little cirlce of friends had all stopped talking to him by this time because of his weird behavior throughout the years. I felt bad. He had dropped out of college, had no sense of direction and i just felt smpathetic toward him. The day we hung out, it was kinda akward. I didnt know what to say. I hadnt seen him in awhile and it just didnt feel genuine and honestly hadnt for years.

 

 

 

I had tried to be conversational nonetheless. Once we got to his house, it got weirder. He didnt talk much. I would ask questions and he would give me one word answers. He didnt seem insterested in talking to me. He had been sitting on the bed and i had sat in a chair next to the bed. He had suggested i sit on the bed and i had replied that i was okay. He sat there just staring at me. For a minute i felt scared but remembered his mom was in the house. It was that moment i knew the friendship was finally over. There was no more trying. I was scared, uncomfortable, nervous around him. He didnt feel like a friend at all. I just wanted to go. But i decided to stay atleast another hour for fear of seeming rude. Once i told him i was about to head out. He commetes that he was going to get in the shower and wanted to know of i wanted to get in with him. I never felt so angry in my whole life. I got up and left. I walked in a different direction to get home infear that he had followed me. Since then he has continued to text and i have continued to ignore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 weeks ago after 4 months of ignoring his texts i decided to respond. I knew what i had to say. I had to stop trying to be nice.for fear of hirting him and just letting him know how i felt. I told him our friendship was over. That i had no interest in ever beibg friends with him and jist wanted to be left alone; his response was okay. In that moment i felt kinda bad. I didnt know whether i made the right decison or not. My conscious felt clear but at the same time i felt like i had came off to harsh and irational. after i told him.all that he left me alone for 3 weeks and then this morning he texted me twice saying gm. This is kinda bothering me because i feel like i already explained to him the way i felt and he still doesnt get it.

 

so i guess im wondering wherger im not being harsh for wanting to not be friends anymore

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HowMightI-live

Also wanted to say, i also feel bad for him. I guess thats one of the reasons im sharing all this today. I just recently went through a break up and the whole wanting to text and talk to her killed me. It killed me because i knew it wouldnt make a difference. The first two months were difficult. I felt like i was losing my sanity little by little and that was a dark place. And thats what i think about whenever i think about him. Like hes in a dark place and i wish i could help him but i cant because i cant stand the thought of him anymore and that makes me.feel guilty.

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You absolutely did the right thing, not only for yourself and your current partner, but for him too. Truthfully, you should have done this long ago.

 

 

It is very obvious here that this is not a healthy friendship for either of you. In fact, I wouldn't call it a friendship at all. He has completely refused to respect your boundaries, and is harassing you. Trying to kiss you, fondling you while you're passed out, using homophobic slurs when he doesn't get his own way. That's ridiculous, and you really should have put a stop to this long ago.

 

 

You really need to work on building up some healthy boundaries - you let this go way too far, for way too long, and it's really unhealthy. Be sure to block his number and block him from any social media.

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Oh, what a sad story. I'm so sorry your friend went off the rails. Unfortunately, once hormones kicked in, he simply wasn't the trusted friend you once knew as a 'tween. He couldn't handle the rejection. He couldn't respect that you were a lesbian. He wouldn't have been able to handle it any better if it had been another guy. He probably is on some serious drugs.

 

It's okay to feel bad for the mental state he's in, but you should in no way ever reconnect with him and you shouldn't let him know where you live if you can help it, because he has a very entitled mentality that is common to rapists. And he tried to coerce you more than once, knowing you were not attracted to him. That time you can't remember was sexual assault, even if it wasn't actual rape/intercourse. I truly worry that he might actually break in and assault you at some point. I would just urge you if he comes around uninvited not to answer the door, and to call the police if he escalates at all. He could be dangerous. He sounds truly unhinged, and he must be since others have cut him off as well.

 

There's a saying by profilers "People who can't say no attract people who won't let go." So you be sure not to give him any mixed messages from now on. Just NO. If you want to feel sorry for him, do NOT let him see it.

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HowMightI-live

Thanks for the feedback. I pretty much decided to start saving his text msgs/calls so that if it continues, i can cakl my local police station to see if maybe they can talk some sense in him. I know i wouldn't be able to get a restraining order on him as of yet, but will do whatever it is i have to do if push comes to shove. About the blocking, i have a horrible phone and blocks dont work. Ive tried. Ive blocked #s and thought it was working and a day later that person is contacting me, specifically him.

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HowMightI-live

But am considering changing my # all together at this point. The funny part is i didn't realize how serious the situation was until i wrote it and read it back to myself. And also the feedback. I think ive always had a problem with wanting to please people and not wanting them to be upset with me. I know now ive been completely downplaying the situation for years. I really honestly have no wish in getting him in trouble, but i know i will if i have to. Anyway, thanks guys.

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Yes, just get a new phone number and make sure your friends and family know not to give him any info. There are lots of red flags with him and he did sexually assault you. Don't hesitate to call police if he is seen lurking around. Glad you're keeping the log. Smart girl!

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seekingpeaceinlove

OP, It's normal to feel feel guilty for cutting a long time friend out of your life but you have no other choice. Your safety and well-being is at stake and unfortunately, it seems like your friend has mental issues that have yet to be addressed.

 

I had a friend once who I would talk to on the phone for hours..every day. Yet, when we would hang out in person he would not stop flirting, hitting on me and just making me feel uncomfortable. No matter how many times I would tell him to stop or explain that we would never be anything other than platonic friends, he would still try.

 

It finally got to the point that I had to pull away from the friendship and them cut him off entirely when I began dating my bf.

 

I still miss him, but he couldn't respect my boundaries and therefore could not respect me as a person.

 

You did the right thing.

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