He loves me, but I'm married...help

[SEB71004]

I need some advice. I am very happy in my marriage but I have an issue with an exboyfriend. We dated off and on throughout highschool and even when I was in college. Throughout the whole time, including now, we have been great friends. (We were never in a serious relationship) I have been married for only a few months, but with my husband for 3 years. I am one who likes attention, and the idea that my exboyfriend still cares for me makes me feel great. A couple weeks ago we were out together with other friends (my husband was out of town) when he told me he has always loved me and he regrets that he did not take our past relations to a higher degree. He told me he wishes he was in my husbands position. I told him that I have and will always care about him. I told him we can't do the "What If" game. It kind of ended at that, at least I thought it did.

 

A week later, he called and left a message saying he wanted to talk to me. Thinking it was just a friendly call, I called him back. Now he wants to sit and talk about "Us" (although there is no "us"). I truely care about him as a friend and don't want to loose that, what am I supposed to say or do.

 

He has had at least 3 years to tell me how he feels, maybe, just maybe, if he would have done this before I was happily married, we may have explored his feelings. We are supposed to talk tomorrow night and I just want to come out of it still being great friends. He has to realize that it's too late.

 

Help me, please give me some advice!!!

[bluechocolate]

A week later, he called and left a message saying he wanted to talk to me. Thinking it was just a friendly call, I called him back. Now he wants to sit and talk about "Us" (although there is no "us"). I truely care about him as a friend and don't want to loose that, what am I supposed to say or do.

 

Call him & tell him that there is no "us" to talk about & under no circumstances meet up with him. You're going to have to cool this guy off big time & I'm afraid that's gonna mean not socialising with him - doesn't mean you don't care about him - in fact quite the opposite. If you keep up with him on a "friendly" basis it could hinder him from moving on & meeting another woman. So far it seems to have accomplished that.

[SoleMate]

He loves me, but I'm married

That's HIS problem, not yours. Don't let him make it YOUR problem. He's an adult, and he is the only person responsible for his feelings.

 

We are supposed to talk tomorrow night and I just want to come out of it still being great friends.

Your goal may not be realistic. I don't think a great friend would challenge your marital happiness in this way. His nagging at you is unfair, manipulative, and fundamentally selfish. Does he seriously think it would be in YOUR best interest to pursue "something" with him? Of course not - it's for HIM. This ex of yours had his chance, and didn't take it. Now he sees you happy with someone else, and his thought is to disrupt your life?

 

I hope you told him you are very happy in your marriage, and will not let anything interfere with that.

 

You may not have to drop him permanently, but you do need to tell him to get out of your life and stay out until/unless he becomes 100% committed to keeping it platonic and never mentioning such a topic again.

[Moose]

I hope you don't mind, but lemme translate for you:

 

(my husband was out of town) when he told me he has always loved me and he regrets that he did not take our past relations to a higher degree. He told me he wishes he was in my husbands position.

 

"I would really love to have sex with you, especially since you're married now and considered forbidden fruit. I'll get a bigger trophy if I succeed."

 

Then you add to his desire with this:

 

I told him that I have and will always care about him. I told him we can't do the "What If" game.

 

He's thinking, "I'm in! Now I just have to work it a little more....."

 

We are supposed to talk tomorrow night and I just want to come out of it still being great friends. He has to realize that it's too late.

 

How would you like to find out if I know what I'm talking about? You'd have to be real careful with what you say, but ask him some questions like, "What do you want me to do, divorce my husband and begin a relationship with you?" If he says no, then he only wants to pork you. If he says yes, then he's sincere.

 

I'm sure you get the just of it. I'd use it as an opportunity to get into his head and find out what his true intentions are.