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Weighing My Options...

Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 28th September 2014, 6:02 PM   #1
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Weighing My Options...

For the backstory on how I started talking to this woman, check out my previous thread:

Since my previous thread, she's done a better job at letting me know when she's tired, and I've learned to accept the times that she does fall asleep. We talk on a daily basis, mostly through text, and we've said some pretty intense feeling things. I've told her that I may be falling for her, and she's said the same thing. We've both been interested in cuddling with each other, we've dirty talked, and basically...a lot of our conversations have been EVERYTHING but "friendly." We have friendly conversations, but someone always throws in something "romantic." As you might expect, as a semi-observant guy, I'm getting the impression that she wants to be more than friends. After all, I met her on a dating service last year, and she was the one who messaged me a couple or so weeks ago. She knows very well my intentions; I don't want to be friends. She knows the only reason why I'm talking to her is because I want to pursue her romantically; I've been very clear on the fact that if she's not romantically interested in me, I wouldn't want to remain friends. As you might suggest, the reason why she's talking to me is because she's romantically interested in me, as well.

One or two nights ago, we scheduled a friendly meet next weekend. Just as friends. Get to know each other; nothing serious. She said she has defense mechanisms that are coming into play. I thought that a friendly meet would be good for us, but after I've thought about it, I've realized that meeting up probably wouldn't be such a good idea. Looking at the situation, she's at a completely different level than I am. She might have feelings for me, but doesn't want to get into anything serious at the moment. However, I fear that we'd have a good time, and I'd get my hopes up too much. I don't want to rush her into anything she doesn't want to do, but more importantly, I don't want to shoot myself in the foot. Being with her, I can't be "just friends." I don't want to scare her off, but I also don't want to waste my time.

I've told her how I feel about everything, about how I'm more ready than she is, a completely different level, and that I may need to consider the possibility that I'm coming on too strong, and that I need to back off. She said she's not ready to start anything just yet. She told me to not let that change my mind about her, and that she'll change eventually.

She hasn't told me what kind of situations she's been in that has head to her pain, so I don't know how much pain she's in. She's shy, as well. She told me that she doesn't want to hold me back. I really like this woman so far, I feel things I haven't felt in a while, so I really don't want to give up on this woman, but I also have been through a lot since I was heart broken, and now that I got an opportunity to possibly LOVE again, I'm taking a huge risk. The reality is that NOTHING may happen between us, she's just screwing around with me, and etc. What am I supposed to do?

At this point, I feel like I have a couple of unfortunate options:

1. I could stop talking to her completely. Tell her "I'm not interested in friendship. I'd be more than happy to talk with you, but I want to talk to you when you are ready/more open to possibilities."

2. I could play the game of patience. I remain "friends" with her under the assumption that when she's better, she'll pursue me. However, that's not even a guarantee so I may just be patiently waiting for nothing. I also don't know when she's going to get better, so I could be waiting a long time.

I know there's probably more options to choose from, but I feel like the these are the only real options I have. I can't pursue her because I don't like to manipulate people. Manipulation is not an option. I also won't settle for sex because she's the type of woman I wanna make love to; not have sex with.

What would you do? If you chose option B, would I stick to friendly conversations? If she expresses romantic interest, should I disregard it and pretend she didn't say it? I'm ready to date her, but she's not. The ball is in her court, so I'm limited in options. I don't want to hurt her, but more importantly, I don't want to hurt myself.

What should I do?
"Love has taught me the words. Heartbreak has taught me how to sing them." - TheyCallMeOx

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Old 29th September 2014, 2:39 PM   #2
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I think you need to see her someplace you can talk and get to the bottom of what ever problem she is hiding from you. Whether it's social anxiety, mental illness of some form, a big scar, or child abuse. You should ask her what her biggest mental hurdle is as a woman trying to date and see if you can find out how serious the problem is. She has more or less warned you about "not holding you back," and that's a bit like a guy telling you "You're too good for me," so I'd want to get her to talk about it before deciding.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
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