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Why would my friend act this way towards me and then reject me?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

 
 
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Old 26th September 2014, 3:04 AM   #1
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Why would my friend act this way towards me and then reject me?

SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR THE WALL OF TEXT. But it's a very strange situation that's been going on for a while.


So I have a very, very weird friendship. We're both guys. We met each other around a year ago, but I didn't enter his circle of friends until 4/5 months into knowing each other. He's a touchy guy but he's touchy especially around me. At first I thought he was really weird, and then I would ask myself "if I think it's so weird, why do I let him touch me like this? I should admit that I like it" and then I eventually grew feelings for him.

It all started when he asked me to hold my hand one day as we walked to the car with a group of friends, and I accepted. He tried holding my hand another time, when we sat next to each other in the car. A song was playing, and he tapped my leg, and then grabbed my hand. This went on for 5+ minutes, until my friends commented and said how weird and gay it is, and then he said "Yeah this is weird" and then I tried letting go, and he grabbed my hand back and held it. And another time, we were watching a movie. He told only me to sit next to him on the couch. During the movie, he tried to slickly hold my hand numerous times, and he would also yawn and stretch so he could put his arm around me. And a few other times he's tried to hold my hand.

And during a hangout, he once said "Holding hands is base one," which is weird, even as a joke. And another time, we were watching a vine and he said to me "oh, get it, these guys are gay because they're holding hands."

Aside from that, when there's music on he would try to grind on me (and I wouldn't grind back) and even when it wasn't the proper music, he would slow dance with me, and only me.

At a dance I went to, my date (a girl) pulled me aside to tell me that "he wants you really badly, he's been staring at you constantly and he seems way too comfortable around you."

When we went on a weekend trip together and I was in bed, he came up to me and kissed me on the forehead and said "goodnight." There's been another instance where he kissed the back of my hand. And there was another time where I was behind him in the car and I was bugging him by touching his face, and he grabbed my hand, rubbed his face, and then kissed the palm of my hand twice, then turned it around, and then kissed the back of my hand. And he randomly grabbed my hand and rubbed my face again.

In terms of other ways he'd be touchy, there have been times where he would just turn around, ask me a question like "how's studying going?" and then carress my face, my mouth, and my beard. He's put his arms over my shoulder a lot, and there have been numerous instances where he's just grabbed me and held me.

At hangouts he'll follow me around and make me accompany him everywhere, including the bathroom. Even if it's a one-person bathroom. And he'd say things like "if you've ever wanted to look at my penis now's your chance" or say "best piss ever because I was with you." And sometimes when I would go away for literally a few seconds to throw something away he'd say things like "you think you can escape me?" or "where do you think you're going, huh?" with a smile on his face.

And when I intentionally ignore him, or I'm not paying attention to him, it's blatantly obvious that he scratches his face and looks at me for a quick second or stretches to look at me. And sometimes I can just see him staring at me for many, many seconds. Hell, sometimes during sleepovers, when I'm on the floor, and he's on his bed, he'll be facing my direction and I guess staring at me, because right when I wake up he'll turn around in the opposite direction.

And speaking of sleepovers, we slept next to each other one time, in the same bed, and we would lightly be touching (ass to ass, or legs next to each other, etc.) and sometimes he would use me as a head rest, and when we woke up he smiled and hugged me while we were still in bed. And when guys who slept over in another room were talking about morning wood, he said "I think I had an accidental boner too, didn't you?"

And in terms of our friendship, we'll just always flirt. We'll stare at each other and jokingly say "I know my face is beautiful but stop staring." Or we'll constantly tease each other. Sometimes when we're sitting across from each other we'll mouth words to each other. I'll be the mean one and say "I hate you" and he'll smile and say "I love you." And one time he was across the room, and he whispered my name. I turned around, and he blew a kiss at me. I blew one back, he grabbed it and rubbed it on his mouth.

And even when I'll be mad at him and he won't know why, he wouldn't ignore me. He'd try his hardest to get my attention and to be nice so I'll snap out of it. There would be days where he'd just constantly try sneakily staring at me. Other times he'd still approach me and ask him to come with him somewhere even though he knew I was avoiding him. Or he'd just smile and butt into another conversation I'm having and say "I love you," etc. Speaking of saying "I love you," it's realistically about 20% of his vocabulary towards me. A lot of the time, when I'm not saying anything, he'll randomly say "I love you." I'll be talking to another friend nearby and he'll just butt in and say "Oh. I love you." Even sometimes when I jokingly say something mean he'd say "God I just love you. I love you so much." And one time when we were about to go to bed at camp, he'd say "I love you." I said "what?" And he said "I love you." And I didn't say anything. And he said "I love you." I didn't say anything back and he said "pft... ." And then a few seconds later he'd say "(my name), I LOVE you, alright?" And sometimes he'll yell it out as him and I are leaving and say "bye (my name)!!! I love you!!!"

And in terms of hugs, they were extremely romantic and we hug all the time. He'll hug me for zero reason a lot of the time. Sometimes he'll just be standing somewhere and I'll pass by and he'd grab me and pull me and hug me. Sometimes I'll be talking to another friend and he'll just walk up to me and hug me and say "this is going to be a long one." And our hugs are full body, cheek-to-cheek. And sometimes they'll be weird. I'll be sitting, and he'll be standing and hug me how we are and then he'd look down and I'd look up and we'll be smiling. And another time, I was just sitting and he came up to me and said "has anyone ever hugged your face before?" and he wrapped his arms around my face and rubbed our faces while smiling.

And there was one time in particular where we were having a small conversation and then he just gestured for us to hug, randomly. And then while we hugged, he said "I wish I could just be in your arms forever." At that hang out, we constantly hugged for a good 15/20 minutes, and purposely hung alone inside the house while the others were outside. And after that, our hugs would be longer. If we hugged for less than seconds and I'd let go, he'd say "no, that's too short." And hug me again. And sometimes if I reject a hug he'll just say "no." and forcefully hug me.

And in general we've had many lingering touches and little play fights. If our legs are glued next to each other one of us won't move it until a while has passed, and if our arms are on top of each other or next to each other we won't move it until after a while. And there have even been instances where he's hugged me, then looked at me and then tapped my face, my shoulder, and then my arms, and then slid down my arms slowly before hugging me again.
And in terms of weird things he'll say to me... early on, when we just became actual friends, he'd ask me stuff like "if you could make out with one guy, who would it be?" about two times. And then two times, he asked "if you could make out with one guy in this group, who would it be?" And then another time he said "making out with (my name), I wonder what that feels like."

And another time we were having a pillow fight and he hit me twice, then dropped his pillow and hugged me. A few minutes later he said "If there's one guy I would want to watch getting head, it'd be you."

And a few weeks ago we were staring at each other and he said "why do we always have so much sexual tension?" And then when I tried bringing it up at another hangout he said "don't try to change the subject."

And there was one time around 6 months ago where I was hooking up with a girl, and when I wasn't in the room, he went up to the girl, and asked her "is (my name) a good kisser?" She ignored the question, and then he said "well there's only one way to find out" and then he leaned in but she rejected him. And while we were making out he would throw lit cigarettes at us. Everyone knows this happened but he denies this ever happened to this day, and it was about 5/6 months ago.

And as for more weird comments, one time we were just talking and he said "what if I was gay and in the closet and I came out to you? How would you react?"

And a few weeks ago, he was just playing a game and I was watching, and for a few minutes he would just constantly say "(my name) I love you" and I wasn't saying much, or anything at all. And then he looked at me and said "sometimes, I just want to love you."

And sometimes he'll just be weird. He'll say "oh I've never noticed that mole on your face before" and I'd say "oh, great..." and he said "no I like it, it's cute. I love you."
A few weeks ago he couldn't finish his burger, so he gave it to me and he said "finish it." And I said no, and he said "eat it. Eat it or I'm going to have sex with you.... okay that was weird."
And he pretty much always tries to be controlling and protective... exactly like a dominant boyfriend would act.

And there have been so many times where people have asked us "so how long have you two been dating?" And our guy friends have constantly asked us "are you guys gay?" "what the hell? (when we're hugging or staring or talking)" "will you guys just make out already?" And yeah, even when we hug, people will say "what the hell?" "what the **** was that? (sometimes we'll hug when we're both sitting down and he'll do something like rest his head on my chest and rub my stomach)" "well that was interesting..." "I'll leave you two alone in your love fest," etc. etc.

And even his brother would say stuff like "just kiss (me). You know you want to." And he won't say anything. And if our group of friends brings up how gay we act, his brother will say "yeah but I think (my friend) is actually gay because he initiates everything."

So based on all that... I grew feelings for him. And the thing is, it would drive me crazy, because after staring at me, and flirting with me, and doing stuff like resting his head on my shoulder or chest, or some of the other stuff I described, he'd say stuff like "man we need girls" or "you know what we need? Girlfriends" or if we're in a group hangout with guys and we're doing something stupid he'll be the one to say "wow notice how none of us have girlfriends" etc. and a few times he's hooked up... but then again, even while I've been crushing or in love, I have hooked up with girls myself.

And aside from the comments people have made, just like my prom date who said that he "wants you so badly," there was a girl who was talking to him about how he's flirty with girls and she pointed to me and said "you're even flirty with him for some reason." And there have been friends who say "sometimes he acts gay but he especially acts gay with you."

So anyways, I decided that I couldn't take it anymore and I sent him a text telling him that I loved our friendship but I couldn't take the confusion and that I like him as more than a friend. It was a super long text, telling him basically a much shorter version of this post, stating instances of how he was romantic and flirty and how others would see it too, etc. And he responded very coldly, saying that "on the listening end this is a lot to take in" and he said he "sees me only as a best friend" and that he would never do stuff like that again. And in the rest of the text he just complimented my personality traits, stating that "this demonstrates the admirable character you have."

And ever since then, things have been weird. It's been two weeks. I can barely look or talk to him but he tries to still get my attention, and I notice how he scratches his head or yawn to look at me, and sometimes he still flat-out stares at me and if I turn around and face him he immediately turns around. And he no longer says "I love you" to me, but to everyone else. And he constantly mentions "holding hands" as a joke to others.

And about a week or two before I came out to him and told him I'm bi and I like him, when we were at camp he randomly asked me "why do you have a crush on me?" And I said "I don't." He said "yeah you do." And I said "okay why do YOU have a crush on me?" And he said "I don't have a crush on you." And I said "Okay then why do you follow me around, and are super nice to me, and constantly say "I love you" and stuff?" And he said "IDK I feel bad for you."

And one time, his brother, him and I were outside a store. His brother wanted to go inside, and he wanted to stay in the shade. I followed his brother, and he called my name. I stopped and turned around. He said "come here." And he said something, I didn't hear properly so I said "what?" And he said "Oh, nothing I just knew you'd listen to me because I knew you loved me more than (my brother) I just knew it."

And in general he tries to still get my attention, he's more "lowkey" about keeping track of where I am when we're around each other, he touches me less (but still touches me.... aka there's still lingering touches here and there.) And when I'm trying to ignore him he still tries to butt in.

I don't get it. Firstly, I don't believe that he's totally straight and that he thinks of me as only as a friend... but even if he does, why the hell would he act this way?
We're probably meeting up to talk in person tomorrow, or maybe I'll just pull him aside in private to tell him what I have to say... what should I say or do? What should I do about this friendship? And what do you guys think about it?

Thanks!
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Old 26th September 2014, 5:03 AM   #2
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Shameless bump.
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Old 29th September 2014, 5:30 PM   #3
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Anyone here?
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Old 29th September 2014, 6:21 PM   #4
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Well, he's certainly gay and I guess he just doesn't want to be or isn't ready to come out or something. Maybe he's bi. Doesn't matter. He's like that chihuahua I had as a kid. She would see a bunny out in the pasture and go tearing after it and chase it as long as she could. But then one day, the bunny just stopped and turned around and looked at her -- and my little chihuahua did an about-face and ran from it.

He's enjoying the flirting as long as he doesn't have to actually do the deed and follow through. I'm assuming you guys are pretty young or you'd both have this all figured out. I had a lot of gay and bi friends at one time (lost most to aids) and I've been through their discovery and coming out process with a couple of them. I even dated one who just really couldn't face being gay and dating me platonically somehow kept him from having to face up to it, I guess.

It sounds like a really wonderful friendship and like you two really love each other. I would not let him tease me about you being the one in love since he knows perfectly well he kicked all this off. You should just tell him, Well, since you instigated everything, I would never have expected you to be the one to get cold feet, but come out whenever you're comfortable.

Don't let him try to put this on you. Even his brother knows he's gay. I guess maybe he's scared of his parents since doesn't seem that afraid of other friends. I'm surprised he doesn't talk to you about that stuff. Well, maybe he will soon now that he knows you're out. Especially if he starts worrying you might start liking someone else. Good luck.
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