DAB Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Hey guys, This may be a story out of the ordinary, but I cannot cope and need some help/advice. So I met this girl on twitter okay, I had no intention of being in a relationship or anything, but I followed a girl on twitter about a year ago as she supported the same football team as me, and to be honest, I thought she was an absolutely beautiful creature. We started speaking around summer time last year but it was never that often up until New Years 2014. I sent her a message saying happy Xmas and New Years ects, and about a week after New Years I downloaded snapchat, and off the odd chance, I messaged her on twitter and asked if she had it. She have me her snap and we started snapping every day, and we ended up exchanging numbers and began properly talking. It was pretty obvious from then on that we just clicked, we were talking everyday all day, making each other smile and laugh and flirt ects. I ended up after about a month of day to day talking to this girl gaining feelings for her, and I plucked up the courage to tell her. She said I'm sorry, my ex started speaking to me last week out of the blue and I think I like him. So I took it on the chin, and told her to go for it. Within a few days it became clear he only wanted a bang, and so when she told me I was there for her and told her that he isn't worth your time. She went on holiday with her college a few days later and we continued to speak daily. We ended up on the topic of me asking her would I ever get the chance to be taken out of the friendzone, and she said yes, one day. And within a couple of weeks of her coming back from holiday, just as she was going to sleep, she told me that she has been really happy lately and it has all been down to me. I felt so happy and warm inside and we ended up in a relationship together, I would explain what happened but my mind is a blur when we become partners. It was a long distance relationship, an online relationship so to speak, as we hadn't met each other, but everything just clicked and happened, neither of us were looking for a relationship, but we ended up together, and it was amazing. We fell in love and realised that we might actually be soulmates. It was going absolutely perfect and amazing and then one day she told me she wanted a baby and marriage (she is 18 I am 20 btw), and I hadn't planned to have kids or get married until I was around 28. But then my opinion on that completely changed, I wanted to marry this girl, I wanted her to be the mother of our child/ren, and we started planning our future together. We made each other the happiest we've ever been, we text, snapped and spoke on the phone every single day, we would fall asleep on the phone saying I love you forever and always my heart and soul, cannot wait to be in your arms and getting married when she finished uni ects. Then after about 3 months (I know, it felt longer at the time) I suddenly had this gut feeling that something was wrong. I had the feeling now she has been accepted into uni, she is going to break up with me. I always sent her a good morning text every single day and this time I explained I was worried, is something wrong ects. She replied with a big essay saying I'm sorry, I do love you, I've been thinking so much lately and, with starting uni I'm going to be moving even further away and I don't think I'm ready for a long term relationship, or even a relationship at all. We agreed to stay friends and I took it pretty well, for a while.... Then all of a sudden after time it started to hit me even more that we aren't together anymore. I wanted to be with her so bad when I was friendzoned I even started praying every night asking for the chance to prove I can and will be the best man for this girl ever, and I got granted the chance, and was crushed when it was taken away from me. It's been 8 weeks since we've split up now and we still speak every single day, but it's becoming incredibly hard for my feelings not to get in the way. We planned instead, to see each other, spend time with each other and cuddle with each other, taking things slow and going with the flow, if sumut happened between us it happened, if it didn't then it didn't. So I assumed she was ready to do that, so when I was suggesting a date to visit, she explained how she still doesn't feel ready for any of that yet. It's sending my head into a spiral and I don't actually know where we stand. I'm an unbelievably sensitive person and it was the first time I have actually been loved, and felt of real value to someone more than a friend. We planned our future together, I found my soulmate, and to lose that kills me more than anything. I now feel insecure, I don't feel right in the head, I feel mentally tortured because I don't feel like I deserve to find and have my soulmate put Infront of me, get given the chance to be in a relationship with her, and then out of the blue have that taken away from me. It's f***ed me up and I cannot cope, I self harm, not for attention, I don't want to do it I just end up doing it as I am unable to cope with me emotions. I keep asking for reassurance that she wants to speak to me every day still and that she still feels close attached and that I'm her best friend, and after every time I still don't fully believe it and I do not know why but it's killing me. She is my everything, to me she is perfect in every single way, head to toe inside and outside the most perfect most beautiful girl in the world to me, my soulmate. It has been hard and we have spoken about our feelings and me hurting myself, and we still speak everyday but I'm scared I am going to lose her completely. I don't want to do the no contact rule because I don't want my feelings to takeover our friendship, and I feel if we do no contact, then they would've done that. I'm asking for advice on how do I cope with still being in love and having feelings for this girl, whilst continuing to be best friends and speak every day ? I won't ever lose feelings for her, I will always love her because I know she is my soulmate, I just know she is, and deep down I think she knows too, but she says she's so confused by everything she just doesn't know what she feels. Please, I need your help guys because it's screwing me mentally to a point where I am seeing a doctor and my feelings are starting to take control of ruining our friendship. What do I do guys ? Please help, and no contact isn't an option ! Sorry for the essay, I wanted to explain the whole story to avoid any unanswered questions. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 First the wall of text is annoying. Learn to use paragraphs. Second & most importantly, do not self harm over this girl. You have your whole life ahead of you. Killing yourself over some girl you have never actually met & only "know" through twitter & snap chat is ridiculous. If you truly feel suicidal, get help immediately. Tell a parent or trusted friend. Go to an emergency Room. Call a suicide hotline but do not throw your life away. NC is an option. It's actually your best option. You just don't want to exercise this option because you are holding on to the illusion that she will come back. She won't. She's on to the next part of her life -- the adventure that is university with real guys, & dates & fun beyond a computer virtual connection. You need to find somebody more local & build a meaningful relationship with an actual girl, not just a virtual one who you never met. Do not fall in love or talk about marriage & children until after you have met & dated for a while. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DAB Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 Knew posting was a bad idea. Just don't understand >_< Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Posting was not a bad idea. Killing yourself over this girl is a MONUMENTALLY BAD IDEA. I realize you want to be her friend but getting half a loaf will actually make you more depressed because some other guy will be getting what you want & can't have: her as GF. Save yourself that heartache. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DAB Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 It's hard to explain, yes, we hadn't met, it was an online relationship, but it felt so real ? We spoke on the phone every day it's not like it was pure text. I know it's out of the ordinary, it's kind of like catfish, except neither of us have catfished each other if that makes any sense at all. Thanks for the lesson on paragraphs by the way, sorry about that ;-) I don't want to kill myself, I've had thoughts but I'm just too scared to do it. I don't harm myself in any dangerous position which could top me off. I am getting help from a doctor, I just do not know what to do because I do not want my feelings getting in the way of our friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 OK. I feel better now that you said you no longer want to self harm. I know it felt real. You talked. You dreamed together. It was lovely. But it's over. The good news is, you have the ability to connect with another person. You have the ability to dream & plan. The bad news is, this relationship didn't work out. But everybody goes through heartache in their life. You will survive this. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DAB Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 I've never wanted to self harm in the first place ! I just end up doing it, I don't realise until I am >_< I know it's over, but I still don't really understand why, everything was perfect, and then as if overnight it just changed, all of a sudden she wasn't ready anymore, even the the whole time before, she was ready, we had planned everything. She comes down South when our football (Soccer) team play, but I always had work at weekends and never got the chance to see her, we had planned to see each other in the weekend I had off, and then everything changed :/ In my line of work I don't have the opportunity to meet people my age, and I believe if you look for it you won't find it. It took 4 years since my first heart break to find this girl, but this girl was different, I genuinely believe she is my soulmate. We've been through real tough times since not "being together" and we are still going, still wanting to talk everyday, that just makes me believe she is even more so. I don't think it helps at how confused and indecisive she is. She tells me she wants us to do one thing, and then the next minute it changes. So I never know what to believe and always need reassuring, and then it gets annoying that I need reassuring. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 It ended because she was off to uni. It had little to do with you & everything to do with her stage in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DAB Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 When we were together we was saying we will get through it, and we had everything planned that I was gunna visit weekends and skype during the week, I'd book holidays when she has time off and when she finishes we would then start our future properly. I don't understand how everything was planned out happy and excited for everything to all of a sudden she wasn't ready ? I just don't understand girls to be honest Link to post Share on other sites
Author DAB Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 And so how do I go about still staying close friends with her without my feelings ****ing me up like this ? I love speaking to her I can tell her anything and everything and I don't want to ruin that :-( Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 And so how do I go about still staying close friends with her without my feelings ****ing me up like this ? I love speaking to her I can tell her anything and everything and I don't want to ruin that :-( hey dab, i dont think at the moment it is a good idea that you speak to her, speaking from experience it hurts.....and its hard to do .......i think you need to be in a better head space before you speak with her again...you need to do something else other than think of her talking to her wont help you move on to where you are comfortable conversing with her...you are going to keep feeling for her the more talk to her.....the more you see her...you need to heal...keep praying ask for guidance and fidn comfort inside of you and not in the sound of her voice........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author DAB Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 Thanks for your advice man. It's difficult because, I don't want to let my feelings completely take over to a point where it completely ruins our friendship, you know ? I'm scared of losing her forever, scared of being forgotten about ects. She says she still wants to speak everyday and feels close but, I just have the feeling in the back of my mind that it's only out of sympathy, like she feels she has to due to the pathetic mess I've become. I do ask and says just be honest and only speak because you want to, not because you feel you need to ects, but I'm struggling to believe it when she says no, I do want to talk to you. I'm so confused by everything but I don't wanna lose the close friendship we have which is slowly crumbling >_< Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 It is so much easier to think a person you have never met is your soulmate and ideal love because since you have never met, you only know what she writes. The less you know about a person, the easier it is to IMAGINE that person has all the other qualities you have in your head that belong to "your perfect girl." She's like a nearly blank blackboard and what you think she is is mostly stuff you want your perfect girl to be. You hear all the time about online relationships "I've never felt this close to anyone ever." That's because if you met them in person, it wouldn't be like this. There would be facial and body cues that told you when she liked or didn't like something that kept you on guard. There would be harsh realities, like maybe she talks too much or has a tick or habitually sniffs smugly every time she's talking about herself. You do not know a person until you've spent a long time face to face. People are always putting only their best face forward in the beginning and that especially is true of online. Once they tire of impressing you, then you get their real self. You are far too young to marry and have kids. The fact she said she wanted that at her age tells me she is stupid and irresponsible. The fact she said it to a guy she's never even met tells me she's delusional. The fact she then changed her mind and went a completely opposite direction proves she has no idea what she's about but at least gives me hope that someone is looking after her. You need to get offline and go meet real girls in person where you live. Yes, fake relationships hurt just like real ones -- so why do it? At least with real ones you actually do get a real kiss, a real companion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DAB Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 I hear what you're saying man, I do, and thanks for your response, I'm after as many opinions I can in order to decide what action I'm gunna take. I know what you're saying when you talk about always putting on your face to try and impress someone, but it felt like we'd been through that stage and did just act normal, I certainly did, whether that be on the phone or whatever. Sorry, I have made the baby and marriage thing unclear, she didn't want that right now, neither do I, I am not in a financial state to take care of a child, I still live with my dad for goodness sake there is no way I am ready for a kid yet, but we both wanted a child after she finishes uni in around 3 years time. Thanks for your help man, I really appreciate any opinion/help I can get. Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I just want you to know that I understand and my heart goes out to you. There was no such thing as social media when I was your age so these kind of relationships did not exist. I do want you to understand, however, that my heart was broken two or three times before I finally found the woman I would marry. This is normal...it really is. I would caution you on the whole "soul mate" talk because that carries the idea that there is only "one" person out there for you. The truth of the matter is that "sole" mate is a much better concept. When you do find the person that you choose to love, she should be the one and only. Most break ups are hard, especially at the beginning, but turn out for the best. The only way you move forward is one day at a time. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
smuggy95 Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Yeah, even in relationships where people have met, maybe even married, it can end like this. Doesn't mean it wasn't real. It was real at the time, but now it's over. Really, really over. people change. the person who said I love you over the phone with you has morphed into someone else. someone familiar but...ultimately not the same. so cherish the memory of the old person, and move on to find someone else. People change, she's changed. it happens to many, in different ways. find someone who wont change about being with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DAB Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Thanks blue, I think you may be right. With regards to the whole soulmate talk, you're bang on, I do believe she is the only person I will feel so strong about, and it makes it even more difficult to move on because of that. Thanks for you're comment man, all of you really are helping me understand, much, much appreciated I think it's more of a fact that I'm going to miss the company, I find it hard to meet people and I'm scared that I'll have to wait another 4 years to find someone. I hate being alone, I'm ready to settle down ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DAB Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Thanks Smug, I'm starting to accept that now. It's just leaving a bitter taste in my mouth that ultimately the friendship might possibly not ever recover fully :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Moonborn Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 As somebody who went through an experience somehow similar to yours (met my recent ex on an online game), allow me to tell you that investing yourself so heavily in a person before even meeting her in person is extremely risky. I am not judging you and I do understand what happened to you because I have been there too. But being physically together is a whole different thing. She could be dirty, she could have annoying habits that you can't notice when you are far from her, she may just not be compatible with you for reasons that you are not able to see now, there's a whole mess of things that could go wrong. And when you do get to meet the person you will not see most of that immediately even if it's there, because you will be head over feet already. This can happen also with "normal" dating, but at least there you get a chance to see the person in a more objective manner before falling for her. Just think about this for the future. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DAB Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Thanks Moon I will do. I'm glad you can relate to my story, I will very much so take your advice on board as you have been there and done it and worn the t shirt. Thank you, just need to build myself a wall now. Link to post Share on other sites
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