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What did I go through for almost a year? Trying to find some meaning/closure


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 8th June 2014, 10:21 PM   #1
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What did I go through for almost a year? Trying to find some meaning/closure

Hey all,

So, I don't want to seem long-winded and go into a massively long and complicated description of what I experienced with a guy I fell for. I will try to condense the story as well as I can...
I started talking with a guy I reconnected with last year on the 4th of July. I have known him for about 10 years (not very well, although he told me he liked me a long time ago but was afraid to tell me). We started a "text relationship" (which I have never engaged in, so I did not fully realize the implications of such interaction with someone I am interested in). I was too afraid to call him, because I was afraid of rejection, so the entire time we had amazing text conversations. He would send me all sorts of messages that were clever/funny/interesting, and I fell for him. I texted him at random times during this whole experience that I liked him, and he told me he liked me too. He also always told me that there were many things he liked about me, but that he especially appreciated my honesty and my ability to express how I feel. We met up in person several times (there was a lot of talk about meeting up, but we are both busy, therefore it failed on both our ends many times. I also live over an hour away). I know that he was uncomfortable with the idea of a long distance relationship. I was confused, because I never asked him for a relationship (again, terrible communication). I told him that I didn't know what I wanted, but that I find him alluring and I would like to try to see him more. Anyhow, there is more I could add to all of this, but I felt that he was giving me signs that he liked me (and telling me that he liked me) but he was also telling me that he doesn't know how to handle relationships (he told me that he is closer to me than any other woman in the past). Is he really just inexperienced? I have been through a lot of relationships and feel ready for one, but I was so afraid of being hurt by him that I feel like I sabotaged any chance for things to happen. I told him recently (almost a month ago) that when he randomly texts me, it gives me a false sense of hope. He replied by telling me that he was afraid that would happen when we were texting, and that he didn't mean to lead me on. He also stated that he did not feel confident enough in himself to give me what I may be looking for (he told me he needed a couple days to think about our situation before he could respond). I responded by telling him that unfortunately I had to distance myself from the situation. I also told him that I don't know what I am looking for either, but that I find him interesting and that he truly had an impact on me. I told him when he finds someone, she will be a lucky girl. I thanked him for taking the time to respond to my message. He never responded to my reply, and now I can just assume that we will never talk again. I am just still super confused over what happened. I missed out on an opportunity to talk to him in person about things (which he offered a couple months ago). I feel like I should be over all of this, but I am afraid my insecurities (and perhaps his as well) sabotaged any potential of us getting to know each other. I wish I could articulate the connection we had, I have met a lot of people and I have never experienced anything like this (I am 29 and have been actively dating for a long time). I have no idea what I really want from this post other than some insight and wisdom from others!
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Old 10th June 2014, 5:23 AM   #2
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Any kind of advice is pointless if you dont know what you want(in terms of social interactions, relationships, partnership).

If you want something from him, by all means, ask for that because this is a clear situation, you like each other. Imagine you fell for a guy who doesnt even acknowledge you. There would be no point in asking because it has to be some attraction before you ask.

If he doesnt want something you want also then you can find closure, just dont put him on pedestal or start endlessly fantasizing about him cause that creates all kinds of different problems.
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Old 10th June 2014, 2:33 PM   #3
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I think when a guy tells you they don't want to lead you on and they don't think they can give you what you need, you have to believe that. I believe he's hiding something, maybe a wife or girlfriend or something else, like a big problem.

You said you did see him several times, so what did you guys go do? Did you sleep together or hang out or what? What was he like then?
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Old 11th June 2014, 6:52 PM   #4
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...

We didn't have sex, but we did fool around a bit/makeout. I think that he was really cuddly mostly the day after, and he said his favorite thing to do is cuddle. So I don't know, we got along really well afterwards. He didn't want to sleep with me because we aren't in a relationship. I don't know, just pretty confusing.
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Old 11th June 2014, 7:35 PM   #5
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Also,

I am wondering if it is too late for me to tell him what I may want...I think that my last message to him acted as a closing statement. He hasn't messaged me since then, so I have a feeling that he won't contact me again. I would just seem a bit foolish to contact him. It makes me bummed to think that I will never speak to him again, though.
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Old 11th June 2014, 7:35 PM   #6
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It's rare guys say their favorite thing to do is cuddle. It could be any of the things I mentioned before -- or maybe he even has some impotence issues. Some guys are so intimidated with a woman they like, it makes them impotence, whereas a woman they maybe don't really know, like or respect, maybe they can perform. Not saying that's it. But it's one more possibility. Most commonly when guys say things like that it's because they have some reason to think they're not ever going to amount to anything OR are already taken. Whatever - it hurts. Sorry.
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Old 12th June 2014, 4:55 PM   #7
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ah...

Hmm...yes I agree with the lack of confidence/not amounting to anything part. He is really attractive, but has told me on multiple occasions that he is insecure when it comes to women. Funny, though because (sorry for a TMI moment) I could tell he was physically excited the whole time. Oh well, I suppose this is a "it is what it is" moment. I just wish I was better able to get him off my mind and to make myself believe that it isn't something I did
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Old 12th June 2014, 6:16 PM   #8
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^Well, good to know it's not the big "I" anyway. He must have some personal problems or like you said self confidence problems. Maybe he's even got some mental disorder he's embarrassed about that he shouldn't be like being bipolar or something else that makes him feel not worthy. If he won't open up about it, though, not much you can do. Do you know anyone else who knows him at all that might have more info?
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Old 8th October 2014, 1:27 AM   #9
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hmmm...

Not really...well one of his friends was really shocked that he opened up to me the way he has. I wish I knew more about him, though.
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Old 8th October 2014, 12:52 PM   #10
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I mean, you have nothing to lose by trying to get him into a phone conversation and seeing if you can't nail down what his issues are that way. If he avoids phone conversation, he's probably married.
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