Rabbitface Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) Ok, so here's the situation. I've started hanging out with this guy - we've known each other since around November, but we've only started hanging out a lot the last two months. We hang out almost every day (mostly with other people around, but sometimes just the two of us) and we have a lot in common. The first time I met him, I suspected he was attracted to me, not because he hit on me, but just the way he looked at me and acted around me. Since we started hanging out, he's started touching me a lot. Not in a rude way, but he is almost always touching me in some way, like sitting very close to me. Sometimes he rests his feet on my legs while we watch tv, sometimes he pokes my belly and makes a funny sound. I don't mind people touching me, so I've gone along with it so far. Lately though, it's more intimate. Like tonight: I'll lie on his bed (which is used as a couch, since he only has a room, not an entire apartment) and then he'll either lie down next to me (not right up against me, but very close) or sit down in front of my torso and lean back on me. He also jokes that he wants to have sex with me and mentions a lot how much he likes me and how alike we are. Now, I don't really know how I feel about him. On a friendship level, I love the guy. He likes the same things I do, he's his own man and he's intelligent. Relationship-wise I've mostly just observed his behavior without reciprocating, since I know he has a girlfriend, but lately I don't really know how I feel. I'm sort of attracted to him, but I have trouble figuring out whether or not it's just attraction (maybe also a little bit because he's unavailable) or if it's something more. Objectively, he's very, very close to what I've been looking for in a partner, but he's a few years younger than me, which for some reason is bugging me. It's only 5 years, but since we're still young (20 and 25), the difference seems bigger somehow. For the first time tonight, I wanted to kiss him. I went to his place to watch a tv show and hang out and we ended up talking for a few hours. At one point he came closer to me to open up a window and in that moment, I could only focus on how much I wanted to kiss him and how great it would feel. For maybe 5-10 seconds, I heard nothing he said and it took everything I had not to kiss him. This is bad. I can deal with him kinda-sorta-maybe liking me, since that's his own headache, so to speak. But I don't want to be the cause of any pain. I've met his girlfriend and we hit it off really well. When he talks about her, he tells me how much in love he is, how amazing she is and how they're going to be together forever. I might slightly suspect that he's embellishing to seem convincing, but that might just be in my own head. In any case, I don't want to develop any kind of romantic attachment to this guy, my friend, unless he feels the same way. Seeing as he's very much in love with his girlfriend, I doubt that will happen. I'm not in love with him, but I'm starting to feel something and I want to nip it in the bud. How do I control this, so he doesn't think I don't want to hang out with him and so I don't reveal where my feelings might be headed? I don't want to spill my guts now just to find out in a little time that it was just a silly crush. To really know, I'll have to spend more time with him and see how things develop - but I need to do that in a way that doesn't put me at risk of falling in love with him and in a way that's respectful to his girlfriend and their relationship. Any ideas? TL;DR - My friend might have a crush on me and I'm starting to feel stuff for him. He has a girlfriend. How do I keep my emotions in check? Edited February 19, 2014 by Rabbitface Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 If your hanging out with this guy all the time and going over to his "room" and lounging around, kissing him, then two things. 1. Where's his girlfriend when all of this is going on? 2. You said that you and his girlfriend hit it off and if that's the case then shouldn't you give her a bit of consideration? This guy has a room. Not an apartment so that should tell you that either he doesn't work or the one he has really stinks. Not to mention that if he's so in love with his girlfriend he's telling you he wants to have sex with you. Sweetie, he ain't bull $h!tting you. He wants to have sex and yet head over heels in love with his girlfriend. Yeah, right. It's up to you but he sounds like a bum to me and when you become his girlfriend, what makes you think that he wont do it to you? Think about it because it will happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rabbitface Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 I think you misunderstood my post. I'm not kissing this guy. I wanted to tonight, but obviously I didn't. His girlfriend lives in his home town which is a few hours away, so they don't see each other every day. And I think I do take her into consideration, since I'm no pursuing a relationship with the guy, I'm just hanging out with him. You're right, he doesn't have a job - we're both students at the same school. That's pretty irrelevant, though, compared to stuff like his personality and values. When he says he wants to have sex with me, it's usually as part of a joke-y kind of conversation - we have great chemistry. I don't know if he means any of it, and in any case that's also pretty irrelevant because this is not about his feelings (or lack thereof) for me, but about my budding feelings for him that I'd like to keep in check. Again, you must have misunderstood me. I'm NOT pursuing a relationship with him. I'm trying to find out how I can keep my emotions from developing. I want to continue to be his friend and hang out with him, but I don't want to fall in love with the guy. I'm sorry if I didn't express myself clearly in my first post :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Poptree Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Meh go ahead and take him from his girlfriend. He sounds like a dirtbag anyway. I'm sorry but if he has a girlfriend and a healthy relationship, then there is really no reason for you guys to have any one on one time. You're filling the physical need that his girlfriend obviously can't because of where she lives. So whether you keep your feelings in check or not, if you end up with this guy remember that he will most likely do to you what he's doing to his girlfriend. How exactly would you feel if some girl was hanging with your boyfriend all the time and telling her he wanted to bang? Just try to see it from the girlfriend's perspective. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxmusical Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I agree with Poptree. If the guy is happily in love with his girlfriend, he wouldn't be spending so many one-on-one moments with you (the fact that his girlfriend isn't around and he's bored or whatever are not excuses). It sounds like he's using you to fill the void when his girlfriend's not here. You said he jokes about wanting to have sex with you. Well, I don't know, do friends really joke about that, when they're both alone in a room conveniently with a bed? Seems like he knows exactly what he wants, while you're slowly falling into his trap. I don't think he's worth it to be honest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rabbitface Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Wow. I guess everybody reads what they want to read. It seems like absolutely nobody understood the meaning of my post and all of you are jumping to conclusions and labeling me as a hussy. Well, serves me right for feeling vulnerable and seeking help. **** me, I guess. Thanks for that. Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Hi RabbitFace, I read your post and I know you did not kiss him or do some of the things the other posters above have claimed that you did, lol. That's how it is on this site. You post something and most ppl who reply jump to conclusions and try to put words in your mouth practically claiming that you did things you didn't even mention in your post, lmao. Just ignore them. I'm in a similar situation as you except mine is much much worse. He's in a long term relationship. Only realized he had a gf after I had already fallen head over heels for him. Told him my feelings to try and get some closure. 2 years later and I still have feelings for him, lol. Anyhu, it doesn't matter. I've made the decision to just ignore them cause there's nothing I can do about them. If you're like me and you don't want to be involved in a triangle, or be the one to come in btw two ppl I'd say you stay away from him for a while. Don't try to figure anything out by lingering around cause trust me, that's a risk. What if you fall even deeper for him. And about the jokes he made about wanting to sleep with you, yeah he really wants to sleep with you. He's not joking, lol trust me. He joked about it because he's thought about it. I think if you really don't want to come in btw them, u should just stay away from him for a while. When your feelings are gone (completely), you can resume your friendship. Hope that helped. All the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rabbitface Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Thank you, LoverOfDance! It felt so good to read a friendly reply <3 I felt so misunderstood, like I was to blame for the situation, when I hardly think I've done anything. Thank you so much for being nice to me! I've come to the same conclusion as you, I need to keep my distance for a while. I don't want there to be any drama. Sadly, we have this food-club thing with 4 other people (we all live in the same building), where we all pitch in and help each other cook dinner. Being a student, I can't afford to not be a part of that, but I've decided that I'm only going to go up to his place when it's time for dinner and then go back to my own apartment. I did that tonight as well and just told him and the others that I had to work on school stuff. These situations really suck and I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar one :/ I hope you're able to get over him and move on really quickly <3 All the best for you as well and thanks again - I've been in a crappy mood all day because of those replies, so you really saved my night <3<3 Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 No problem. Glad I could help :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Poptree Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 I never said you were the blame, I'm only asking that you open your eyes to more than just your friend and yourself. There are other people in involved. If he likes you and wants to do more, then he needs to break up with his gf and then pursue things with you. I'm sorry if my post was defensive, it just hit super close to home. I agree that you should take time away from him or at least keep your hang outs in group settings. Because while I only know how it would feel from the girlfriend's point of view, I also know that you are in a position to also be hurt. Watch out for your feelings, girl. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Does his girlfriend know that he tells other girls he would like to have sex with them? Does she know that he hangs out lying on the bed (sofa whatever) making lots of body contact? How do you think she would feel if she found out? Then say you did become his new girlfriend. How will you feel when he starts doing these things with other girls? Because that WILL happen, trust me. He is showing you exactly what kind of guy he is. He is the kind of guy that will try to have sex with other women behind his girlfriend's back. You have all the facts Rabbit, it's up to you to choose what to do next. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 You can keep your emotions in check by distancing yourself from the guy. Now is a bit too late for that, cos you're already 'emotionally involved'. When you're 'just friends' with a guy, it can mean something else. Romance is just lurking around the corner ... Next time, when a guy has a girlfriend, don't be too much 'friends' with him. Why ? Well, it's like the scenario you described in your post. You start 'hanging out', sharing stuff and the next thing you know you're almost kissing... it's basic attraction between a girl and a boy. When you're more grown-up, you can (i hope so) keep those hormones more in check... although ... Come on, Wake up. Just cut him loose. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 I think it's obvious he is interested if he didn't have a girlfriend, and maybe even if he did, but that poses two problems. One, you're not even sure you're really interested in him, so screwing up his life by "finding out," well, you wouldn't be doing him any favors, to say nothing of his girlfriend. Two, Why would you want to cultivate a guy as a boyfriend if you already know he keeps himself open to other relationships, at least mentally, when he's supposed to be committed, even though he really likes her? Keep going and that will be you 6 months from now. Link to post Share on other sites
TreasuredLove Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 He may be interested, but the real question is, why are you? He has a girlfriend and quite frankly, he's not respecting that relationship. Why would you want a man that already has someone in his life and is not respecting you? A real man, in my opinion, would not allow someone he's interested in to be put in an uncompromising position that would end negative. Link to post Share on other sites
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