Did I damage this beyond repair?

[stillsad]

Hello,

I would like to hear somebody`s opinion about this "complex" situation, because I don`t know what to think anymore...

We met 4 years ago. He was 21 and very innocent. I was 31 and married. We started as friends, who respected each other and each other`s work very much... (we both are painters). We were quite close right from the beginning. It felt very special, but I wasn`t thinking about it a lot at the time. He was always around and I felt flattered... Over the next 3 years we were always in contact (mostly him contacting me). We had little innocent dates. I stayed married (not very happily) and he was dating other people ( honestly, I felt a little jealous). He was mostly dating European girls, which I took as a compliment (obviously I am European too). We liked each other`s company a lot (electricity was always there, we both knew it...). Then he went to Europe for 6 months and I realized that I missed him a lot. I was looking forward to him coming back like a little child. And he came... And everything was a little different...

 

All of sudden he was more mature and age difference was totally irrelevant. We started meeting each other quite often - still innocently. I had never felt so close to somebody... We would always pretend that we are "only" friends in front of ourselves. My marriage was failing in a meantime (I realized I have never really loved my husband and of course I felt guilty and sorry etc). Then the first kiss came (I did it). It scared him a lot. He also had a girlfriend in Europe at that time (long distance - illusion kind of thing). It took him whole week to call me afterwards. But we continued like nothing happened. (He still called me - I don`t usually push things...) Then it escalated a little more and we made love for the first time. We both panicked. We couldn`t see each other (it was awkward). And I realized I was totally in love. I split with my husband (the only fair thing I could do). Two months went by without really seeing each other (I traveled away to clear the head). And his European girlfriend was coming for month long visit. I didn`t want to be an obstacle. So I tryed to heal, thinking that it was the end... but it wasn`t...

 

He split with his girlfriend... and called me day after she left. And "my friend" was back. I was totally overwhelmed. I realized that I miss him as a person very much. I would never push him to the romantic position anymore. But this time... he did. He wanted to be a FWB a guess...

 

I feel like a teenager. I am sorry. I am just trying to understand. Maybe it is a difference in culture (we don't have FWBs in my country - we love the person or we don`t).

 

So it gets more complicated. I moved to my new apartment. I have my own company and he started to work with me too. So we spend a lot of time together. And it is beautiful. We also go for business trips together. He couldn`t find another job. I know he likes to feel "masculine", I know he would want to have his own succesfull job and I know he feels like a burden at times, but he is not. I love working with him. Before I was always working on my own, because nobody could match my style and speed. But he can. That is why I enjoy it so much. And we also make love and it feels transcendental... but, we would never talk about it. If somebody asks him if he has a girlfriend, he would always say no. He keeps me as a secret. Why? But we cannot talk about this - we are "only" friends, remember?

 

He became a little distant last couple of weeks (family problems maybe or maybe I am too intense) and I panicked again. Emotionally I am not the most "mature" person - fear of rejection, never been in love "for real" before... So I broke us up two weeks ago... I have learned that his another European girlfriend is coming to study here... He told me this during our last conversation. And I assumed that this would change things between us. And I also told him that I will be seeing somebody else , because I would like to enjoy "my summer"... It breaks my heart, but my pride is very important to me, so I cannot change anything. I am just confused. Do all people in love act like idiots?

[uriel]

Yes, all people in love act like idiots . I hear you scared to admit to him that you love him, afraid to ask for a commitment because you are afraid of driving him off, and having been willing until now to settle for less.

 

I suggest you write him a letter explaining the feelings you've developed for him and asking him for a chance to have a real relationship together. Then, leave this with him. Even silence would be a response. Either way, you will know where you stand.

 

-- uriel