Reclaiming my power - complicated FWB?

[MissWondr]

We dated once, partly a LDR. He called it off then got flirty with me online, 6 months later. I thought he wanted me back - he said he 'didn't know what he wanted' and can only do FWB. I said no, but a month later, said yes. I still loved him after 2 years and decided to love him regardless of how he felt about me. Silly choice.

For 3 months we were like a couple, seeing each other every other day of the week. Road trips, dinner, laughing & I'd be at his place a few nights a week - even without sex. I was happy and he said he was too.

I flew to my home city 4 weeks ago and he's emailed to say hi a few times. Today he boasted on FB something about online dating. I looked up the site he mentioned and was stunned to see his new dating profile. Seeing pictures of the only guy I've ever loved up there, shattered my heart.

 

I was and am heartbroken beyond words. A week ago he emailed telling me of his happy memories with me, and today I see this. Why would he boast about joining a dating site when he KNOWS I see his status updates? Is he trying to hurt me?

How do I handle this? He's broken my heart twice now. How can I stop loving him - before I lose what little self worth I have left? How do I get over him? I don't want to see his updates on FB everyday, anymore. It's hurting too much. Any advice from someone who's gotten over a similar situation or unrequited love, would be hugely appreciated

[pyramid]

It sounds like he was upfront about what he wanted from you. You are the one who broke the "rules" - you aren't his girlfriend, you aren't dating... you are his friend.

 

That said, I know it sucks. I dated a guy for a short time, then we were friends, then fwb, back and forth for a few months now. We talk about other people we are dating, we hang out with kids & other friends - but anything beyond "we're friends" is not public information. It hurts to know that I can't have all of him. It hurts more when we are in fwb mode, but always hurts. And I struggle with whether it's worth it to be friends at all. He's always been honest and straightforward about not wanting the type of relationship that I want. But I have never allowed myself to fall in love with him.

 

I don't really have any advice as I haven't quite figured it out myself. I have a feeling that I will eventually have to break all contact. There is still the tiny part of me that hopes he will change his mind someday.

[sweetheart5381]

We dated once, partly a LDR. He called it off then got flirty with me online, 6 months later. I thought he wanted me back - he said he 'didn't know what he wanted' and can only do FWB. I said no, but a month later, said yes. I still loved him after 2 years and decided to love him regardless of how he felt about me. Silly choice.

For 3 months we were like a couple, seeing each other every other day of the week. Road trips, dinner, laughing & I'd be at his place a few nights a week - even without sex. I was happy and he said he was too.

I flew to my home city 4 weeks ago and he's emailed to say hi a few times. Today he boasted on FB something about online dating. I looked up the site he mentioned and was stunned to see his new dating profile. Seeing pictures of the only guy I've ever loved up there, shattered my heart.

 

I was and am heartbroken beyond words. A week ago he emailed telling me of his happy memories with me, and today I see this. Why would he boast about joining a dating site when he KNOWS I see his status updates? Is he trying to hurt me?

How do I handle this? He's broken my heart twice now. How can I stop loving him - before I lose what little self worth I have left? How do I get over him? I don't want to see his updates on FB everyday, anymore. It's hurting too much. Any advice from someone who's gotten over a similar situation or unrequited love, would be hugely appreciated

 

My advice is to get out of the situation now. No contact. You cannot have a FWB if you are in love with the other person. Inevitably the "friendship" will be seriously damaged with hurt feelings when you are placed as a lower priority to the person you love when they date others.

 

When you love someone, your brain is seriously messed up... trust me, been there, got the t-shirt.

 

Go NC and see what happens - make him an acquaintance on FB for the time being and make sure you cannot see his feeds. It takes self-control but well worth your time!

 

Take care.

[MissWondr]

Thanks for responding, I really appreciate it. NC sounds like a great idea...you're right, will take a lot of self control not to see how often he checks in on FB and the dating site BUT if it means feeling sane again, it's worth it and I'll do it.

Edited March 17, 2013 by MissWondr

[sweetheart5381]

Thanks for responding, I really appreciate it. NC sounds like a great idea...you're right, will take a lot of self control not to see how often he checks in on FB and the dating site BUT if it means feeling sane again, it's worth it and I'll do it.

 

You're welcome.

 

FWB is dangerous terrain. FB is really hard to deal with too. Better to put the situation out of your mind, focus on what you really want (work, education, etc) and try to ignore the hormones.

 

Put it this way, any male FWB wants to keep you in the picture... they are into you and they like you lots (assuming they are respectful and caring towards you ALL the time).

 

I have 2 past FWB (I told them I cared deeply for them/loved them, bla, bla, bla) and they quickly ended the "relations". I said "cool with me" and put them on ignore/polite conversation. They are now messaging and initiating all the contact these days, always instigating the convo. I play them against one another and it works marvelously Reduce them to their level.

 

These guys crave the attention/ego boost of having you want them. That's it... and when they know that you do want them, they move on to another willing victim while keeping you in the wings.

 

Use your gut, call it as you see it