Just friends? We will never be in a relationship?

[Sando13]

Asked a few questions on the matter, But the situation keeps changing. A day ago I had a fight with a friend about "us" it was stated that there was nothing between us that I am living in the past and that we will never be in a relationship. I told her I still had feelings for her.

 

At first when I asked if I asked you out what would you say she said yes, As I began to over think "us" I started to act differently. It took me a bit to get it out of her but it was my attitude towards others and how I was acting so therefore personality traits that I have that are flaws which I have not dealt with.

 

I've agreed to be "just friends", We used to cuddle and hug and kiss one another on the cheek and flirt when she stayed over. My question is how can I get out of the friend zone and get close again knowing she will be on her guard and rebuild my attraction and change my behavior even I agree it needs to change and other friends.

 

We are both 25, She has many guy friends. States "I do not do boyfriends" but says she does not sleep around and just wants to have fun before settling down. She also once stated she finds it hard to commit.

 

Acted clingy, non-confident, immature. When she first met me she saw me as a leader and in control not to mention confident. Stated she didn't like the way I didn't listen, uncontrollable how I dealt with certain things.

 

Even I'll agree she is right.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Why do you want to torture yourself? Cut her loose from her life, otherwise this will be an ongoing source of pain for you. She doesn't, and won't, want you like you want her. Move on, leave her in the past.

 

With that said and my knowledge of human nature in taking good advice, I look forward to future posts from you about the pain she is causing you.

[will1988]

Asked a few questions on the matter, But the situation keeps changing. A day ago I had a fight with a friend about "us" it was stated that there was nothing between us that I am living in the past and that we will never be in a relationship. I told her I still had feelings for her.

 

At first when I asked if I asked you out what would you say she said yes, As I began to over think "us" I started to act differently. It took me a bit to get it out of her but it was my attitude towards others and how I was acting so therefore personality traits that I have that are flaws which I have not dealt with.

 

I've agreed to be "just friends", We used to cuddle and hug and kiss one another on the cheek and flirt when she stayed over. My question is how can I get out of the friend zone and get close again knowing she will be on her guard and rebuild my attraction and change my behavior even I agree it needs to change and other friends.

 

We are both 25, She has many guy friends. States "I do not do boyfriends" but says she does not sleep around and just wants to have fun before settling down. She also once stated she finds it hard to commit.

 

Acted clingy, non-confident, immature. When she first met me she saw me as a leader and in control not to mention confident. Stated she didn't like the way I didn't listen, uncontrollable how I dealt with certain things.

 

Even I'll agree she is right.

 

 

Are you asking us a question?

 

I'd say if she says she is not interested, and you are having to drag an answer out of her, then that means she is not interested... and to back off. I would say stop being her friend all together. You will only be her "friend" in the hopes that she will throw you a bone one day and will show you some attention. You will be lying to her and yourself saying you two are just friends. She wants to be your friend, you want more...Maybe, by being out of her life she may very well realize what she is missing and then come after you. All i know is this, keeping the status quo is not going to work. You are either going to have to back off and just be her friend, disappear from her life for a bit, or just ask her out and if she says no move on.

[Sando13]

She wanted to be more then friends at the start then even she stated things had changed, Due to my attitude on handling things and how I treat others. Stated a lot of bad qualities she saw in me.

 

She was pretty direct. Aside from this we have fun together and I enjoy her company she knows how I feel and said she was fine with it. I don't want to be in the friend zone yes but would be nice to have some idea of how to get of of it.

[fungusamungus]

You don't leave the friendzone, you avoid it by never getting put in it in the first place.

 

The friendzone isn't really a "friendzone" 99% of the time. It's simply the... "I'm not that into you" zone. It's not that tough to understand. Yeah, she wanted to be more than friends to see where things could go... but that didn't happen, so as she continued to get to know you, she saw things about you that were unattractive to her and turned her off, and thus, became less interested. It doesn't really matter how she saw you at the beginning, because at the beginning, she didn't know anything about you and thus it's easier for her to be optimistic about you as a romantic interest. And yeah... seeing how you handle things and how you treat others? That stuff matters to girls, and it matters... A LOT. Women are far less shallow then men are, and good looks will not carry you if you turn them off with your personality.

 

She doesn't see you as a good fit dude. Ball's was in her court and she took it and went home. If you want to stay friends, then stay friends, but as far as being with her in a romantic sense, I'd probably move on.

Edited March 12, 2013 by fungusamungus

[Sando13]

I've stated to her that if we would stay friends that I would always be hoping for more and our friendship would be a lie, I've decided to take some time away for a few months and work on myself and basically vanish.

 

She was right about the attitude I know what needs to change but I also must do this for myself. I've been out of the dating scene for years so I guess this was just a lesson learned.

 

Would her respect for me grow to an acceptable level if I was gone for 6 months? I've noticed she was always more respective after nc for a month. In doing so I would have to come back a new person correct?

 

In the mean time I've decided to read books on attraction and relationships and work on my career.

[hppr]

LOL

 

All I'm gonna say is that you're barking up the wrong tree and I'll leave it at that.

[hppr]

Would her respect for me grow to an acceptable level if I was gone for 6 months? I've noticed she was always more respective after nc for a month. In doing so I would have to come back a new person correct?

 

She doesn't respect you, she never will, the only reason she gets friendly after awhile is she's worried about losing one of her followers.

 

Girls like this need 20-30 guy friends as a form of validation. Don't be her validation, get your career in order, make REAL friends, find a REAL woman who respects and appreciates you because this broad doesn't (and she never will).

 

She's 25, she has lots of guy friends, she tells you that she doesn't 'do boyfriends' and then adds the ubiquitous 'but I'm not a SLUT' statement...what more of a clue do you need? I'm sure she's hot, funny, charming...but she's not relationship material, for you or anyone else...sorry...

Edited March 12, 2013 by hppr

[imtooconfused]

She doesn't respect you, she never will, the only reason she gets friendly after awhile is she's worried about losing one of her followers.

 

Girls like this need 20-30 guy friends as a form of validation. Don't be her validation, get your career in order, make REAL friends, find a REAL woman who respects and appreciates you because this broad doesn't (and she never will).

 

She's 25, she has lots of guy friends, she tells you that she doesn't 'do boyfriends' and then adds the ubiquitous 'but I'm not a SLUT' statement...what more of a clue do you need? I'm sure she's hot, funny, charming...but she's not relationship material, for you or anyone else...sorry...

 

hppr, thanks for elaborating on your earlier post because this post was much more insightful and I hope the OP gets it. My experience is similar in that the type of girl who lives on the "friendzone" seems to need a stable of guy friends to validate her while she waits for "The One" to come along. I believe that this type of woman is not a slut or a player in the way that guys are. But they certainly do play guys' feelings to maintain them at just the proper distance; not-too-far and not-too-close. My experience is that they get offended if you don't chase them as a friend but are not afraid to block any advance that represents real feelings.

 

So in response to Sando13, as most will admit here, there is no way out of your situation. Even if you clean up your act, she has lost interest and has moved on to finding the next guy. Take this as a learning experience and be better behaved with the next woman but you must move on, no matter how hard that may be to accept.

[Sando13]

hppr, thanks for elaborating on your earlier post because this post was much more insightful and I hope the OP gets it. My experience is similar in that the type of girl who lives on the "friendzone" seems to need a stable of guy friends to validate her while she waits for "The One" to come along. I believe that this type of woman is not a slut or a player in the way that guys are. But they certainly do play guys' feelings to maintain them at just the proper distance; not-too-far and not-too-close. My experience is that they get offended if you don't chase them as a friend but are not afraid to block any advance that represents real feelings.

 

So in response to Sando13, as most will admit here, there is no way out of your situation. Even if you clean up your act, she has lost interest and has moved on to finding the next guy. Take this as a learning experience and be better behaved with the next woman but you must move on, no matter how hard that may be to accept.

 

I've decided to just basically vanish, Before we starting fighting our friendship was amazing. What annoys me is the fact I've been out of the dating scene for 6 years how could I not see this coming?

 

I understand that to create something new that we need to let go, It hurts knowing that she doesn't trust but at least she was direct and told me the flaws she saw. I've told her that we can never "just" be friends and she agreed.

 

I suppose in time she may eventfully grow up but knowing her that will take years, It will take something real drastic before this happens though. I'm a strong believer in things happen for a reason I guess this was my wake up call.