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former girlfriend, current friend, future girlfriend?


stockyoldfrump

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stockyoldfrump

So here's my story. I'm not sure whether it belongs in friends and lovers or exes, so please forgive me if I've erred in that regard.

 

Basically, I dated my ex from December of last year until May of this year. It was the first romantic relationship for both of us. Everything went great, but there were certain issues in regards to our future expectations that we both knew might be problems moving forward. We also lived 45 minutes apart, which made it hard for us to establish the sort of intense relationship we both wanted. At the time, I hadn't really dealt with my issues with anxiety and, because of that, I agonized over each unresolved issue. Not surprisingly, my anxiety soon began wreaking havoc on our day to day relationship. I sometimes avoided her because I was scared of difficult conversations, and just exercised way too much distance because I didn't know how to deal with "big picture" issues that troubled us.

 

Eventually I realized this was unfair to her and we had a discussion about what could be done. We mutually agreed to break up so that I could figure out my own issues independent of the relationship, but agreed that we loved each other and would maybe want to try things again down the road.

 

We never stopped seeing each other as friends. The day after the relationship ended we hung out all day and continued to hang out frequently and text continuously every day. I knew I still had feelings for her and assumed she still felt the same, but I never mentioned them because I didn't want to initiate any renewed relationship unless things had changed enough to facilitate a healthier outlook. As we agreed upon, I had started to going to therapy and was working on getting past my anxiety at appointments twice a week. In June we took a trip to Egypt together.

 

In the end of August I felt like I had made significant progress at therapy. I had noticed that I was more comfortable with "gray area" parts of my life and had learned strategies to break down problems that made me anxious. More importantly, in the course of my sessions I had discussed marriage and other things extensively and had now developed a philosophical flexibility that would've solved a lot of those very problems outright. We were still hanging out 3-4 times a week and talking every day.

 

Armed with these changes, I went to her and asked for another chance. I explained how I had changed and vowed that things would be different. She told me that "her feelings had changed" since our break up, but that she "didn't think that was a way she'd always feel." And said that she was "open" to it down the road potentially.

 

I was crushed, but agreed to continue being friends. The next time I saw her she was more affectionate than usual, initiating physical contact constantly and being more flirtatious than usual. Confused, I brought up the issue to her multiple more times, asking her to articulate her feelings more clearly. Eventually she explained that she was still hurt by the last relationship, and was still scared about certain OTHER practical issues (our physical distance, mostly) but that she would "probably" be open to going on another date once those things were resolved. She reiterated that she sees things as a "possibility" in the future, but can't say for sure she'll ever feel as enthralled as she once did. She also said she doesn't want to date anyone right now because she's "not ready after what happened in our relationship" and because she wants to have a better job so she can move out of her parent's and better maintain an adult relationship.

 

So now we're back to being friends. She knows I still love her and says "she is fine with me feeling that way." We hang out three or four times a week, and text every day, per usual. The only difference is that she seems to be a bit more careful of going to events with me alone, as though she doesn't want me to misinterpret these things as a date. She does, however, hang out with me at my place for hours and hours on end. Well into the night, just the two of us.

 

I accept what she says and understand that I've been given a firm "no" for right now. But I also love her deeply and hope that one day I'll be given another chance. I would wait around as long as it takes for her to grant me that, but am not sure it's something I should even view as a possibility. She KNOWS how I feel and has not encouraged me to feel differently, so theoretically my feelings aren't an impediment to our current friendship. At the same time, I do think that my feelings would need to change dramatically if for some reason (be it a more definitive decision on her end, a new bf, etc.) if the circumstances changed.

 

My question is this: Do you guys think there is ANY hope that she'll eventually consent to a date to test the waters for the relationship? Do you think there's any spark of affection that might some day blossom into immediate romantic interest? If I really want to get her back, am I going about it the right way? I want to show her that I have changed and can deal with uncertainty, but fear being so available that she takes me for granted and loses all interest in me as a partner. What should I do here?

 

I should mention that I love this girl more than anything in the world, not only as a potential girlfriend, but also as a human being. In getting me to go to therapy, I think that she essentially saved my life and there's no way I can ever repay her for that. We were friends long term before dating, and I would want to be friends with her even if we never date again. I just know that, obviously, there will be a point where this is either definitively possible or not possible and know that at THAT juncture some adjustments in my thinking (and our relationship) will have to be made.

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