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My Dilemma


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slimmontana

My longtime friend has told me that she has feelings for me..I have strong feelings for her too problem is I'm in a relationship right now. This girl I'm in a relationship with has been very good to me problem is she doesn't have the physical appeal that my friend has. I really want to pursue. Relationship with my friend. How do I do that without hurting my current girlfriend? My current girlfriend moved way across state just to be with me and this is how I repay her? By bailing on our relationship for the hotter chick. Now my friend is moving into my town and I'm the only person she knows..so she expects a lot of attention from me. I can juggle two women but 4 how long? It sucks because I know someone is going to get hurt in the process. What would u do if u were me. D :(

 

Signed

Troubled

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I would stay in the current relationship, member looks can be deceiving and

You f-up what you have! Looks arent always really worth everything

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Forget your friend for a moment.

 

Do you love your current gf? Can you see yourself marrying your current gf? Are you happy in your relationship? If you answer yes, then don't break up. You should never break up with someone to get with someone else. A relationship should end in a vacuum where it ended because two people weren't right for each other...not because one thinks someone else is hotter.

 

Just remember the grass isnt always greener on the other side. If you have a good thing, dont let it go.

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@ Casablanca I love my current GF but she just doesn't get me excited to be intimate with her. Im not "IN" love with her. She is an amazing person but it still feels like I am settling with her. I am questioning whether my current gf is right for me. Obviously its more than looks with my friend or else we would not have been friends for so long..I just see this as an opportunity to be with someone that I am very passionate about. That I think of day and night..sad fact I dont think about my current GF like that.

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@ Casablanca I love my current GF but she just doesn't get me excited to be intimate with her. Im not "IN" love with her. She is an amazing person but it still feels like I am settling with her. I am questioning whether my current gf is right for me. Obviously its more than looks with my friend or else we would not have been friends for so long..I just see this as an opportunity to be with someone that I am very passionate about. That I think of day and night..sad fact I dont think about my current GF like that.

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@ Casablanca I love my current GF but she just doesn't get me excited to be intimate with her. Im not "IN" love with her. She is an amazing person but it still feels like I am settling with her. I am questioning whether my current gf is right for me. Obviously its more than looks with my friend or else we would not have been friends for so long..I just see this as an opportunity to be with someone that I am very passionate about. That I think of day and night..sad fact I dont think about my current GF like that.

Before you friend told you her feelings for you, have you had thoughts of breaking up with your GF or are these only coming up now because your friend mentioned her feelings to you?

 

This next question might be impossible to answer, but I'll ask it anyway. Try to put yourself in a vacuum....would you break up with your gf if you didnt know anyone had feelings for you or even if you knew you wouldnt have another relationship for months or even maybe a year?

 

Why doesnt she sexually excite you anymore? Has something changed about her? i.e. put on weight?

 

What I'm mostly trying to get at is that you NEED to decide if you think you should break up with your gf because SHE isn't right for you, NOT because there is someone else better looking out there who has feelings for you? In other words, your gf's fate with you should be unconnected to your friend's feelings for you.

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yes I have had passing thoughts about breaking up with her..but nothing to this extreme where it feels inevitable. In a vaccuum yes I would break up with her but not so soon. I feel like this is an opportunity to be with someone that I am more compatible with..Yes she has changed she gained quite a bit of weight overt the course of our relationship. I think that the friend has now come into the picture is spurring things on.

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In a vaccuum yes I would break up with her but not so soon

Care to explain? Why not so soon? Is that you saying you feel like your current gf deserves a chance to alter that which is bothering you about her?

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@Casablanca I said not so soon because I feel like I owe her so much and to leave so abruptly is COLD. I just don't feel she is meant 4 me any longer. Guilt so much guilt because I see the strong possibility that I will hurt her. At this point there is nothing that's going to alter our outcome. Just not attracted to her anymore. Feels more like friends instead of lovers with my current gf.

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@Casablanca I said not so soon because I feel like I owe her so much and to leave so abruptly is COLD. I just don't feel she is meant 4 me any longer. Guilt so much guilt because I see the strong possibility that I will hurt her. At this point there is nothing that's going to alter our outcome. Just not attracted to her anymore. Feels more like friends instead of lovers with my current gf.

Talk to her about it, tell you her concerns about her health. Can you estimate about how much she has put on since you two started dating? I've never had to bring it up, but I'm sure there are topics around LoveShack about how to tactfully bring up that you are losing attraction to her because of her weight gain (which isnt healthy either)

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Its substantial. She went from like 150 to 225. There is no real tactful way to put it. She is losing the weight though..but the lure of the other woman is too strong. No matter if she comes backk weighing 125. U ever felt like u were just made for someone? That's how I feel about the other girl. I missed out on an opportunity to be with earlier because I was involved but it seems like only a dramatic occurrence outside of our control can stop us from being around each other. I don't want to hurt her..so I can't tell her I'm leaving u for another woman. So I gotta act indifferent towards her moody. I just think a future with my friend holds more promise than a future with my current gf. Am I wrong to thinkk that?

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Its substantial. She went from like 150 to 225. There is no real tactful way to put it. She is losing the weight though..but the lure of the other woman is too strong. No matter if she comes backk weighing 125. U ever felt like u were just made for someone?

Yes, and I broke up with both of them and one other broke up with me

 

I don't want to hurt her..so I can't tell her I'm leaving u for another woman. So I gotta act indifferent towards her moody. I just think a future with my friend holds more promise than a future with my current gf. Am I wrong to thinkk that?
This is no non-hurtful way to break up with someone...they will be hurt no matter what...even if you trick them into breaking up with you by acting indifferent towards her and ignoring her (not that I'm saying your trying to trick her)....if this is how you feel, end it with your current gf. The ONLY way you can soften the blow of leaving her for another woman is if you do decided to get with your friend, wait a month or two.

 

If you don't love her anymore, you owe it to her to end it....its worse to drag it on and lead them on. I still advise talking with her about it and letting her lose that weight...you never know, she might get that spark back going for you even if you don't think it will happen.

 

I guess another question I have for you, is why hadn't you broken up with her during the major weight gain/why havent you broken up yet with her?

 

To sum up my stance -

You SHOULD talk to your GF about your issues and give her a chance to lose the weight....it really IMO is only fair with a committed and LTR to give her a chance to tweak what bothers you..and just remember this could eventually turn into a grass isnt greener on the other side...and it is hard to believe if you've never been through it...but I've been to the other side...it's not always greener

 

IF you are dead set in your heart that it will never work with you and your current GF...end it now, don't drag her along, dont try to make her lose feelings for you by being indifferent, etc...just end it..AND in the least, hold off on your friend for a month or two not only for your (potential) ex...but for yourself too; you should have some alone time before jumping into another relationship

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I can't even think straight to write a coherent response I am so excited about my friend coming down in 2 weeks!! Just a sick feeling knowing I can potentially break my current gf heart.

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Yes, and I broke up with both of them and one other broke up with me

 

This is no non-hurtful way to break up with someone...they will be hurt no matter what...even if you trick them into breaking up with you by acting indifferent towards her and ignoring her (not that I'm saying your trying to trick her)....if this is how you feel, end it with your current gf. The ONLY way you can soften the blow of leaving her for another woman is if you do decided to get with your friend, wait a month or two.

 

If you don't love her anymore, you owe it to her to end it....its worse to drag it on and lead them on. I still advise talking with her about it and letting her lose that weight...you never know, she might get that spark back going for you even if you don't think it will happen.

 

I guess another question I have for you, is why hadn't you broken up with her during the major weight gain/why havent you broken up yet with her?

 

To sum up my stance -

You SHOULD talk to your GF about your issues and give her a chance to lose the weight....it really IMO is only fair with a committed and LTR to give her a chance to tweak what bothers you..and just remember this could eventually turn into a grass isnt greener on the other side...and it is hard to believe if you've never been through it...but I've been to the other side...it's not always greener

 

IF you are dead set in your heart that it will never work with you and your current GF...end it now, don't drag her along, dont try to make her lose feelings for you by being indifferent, etc...just end it..AND in the least, hold off on your friend for a month or two not only for your (potential) ex...but for yourself too; you should have some alone time before jumping into another relationship

 

 

You r so right..but there is no way I can hold off from my "friend" the attraction is to strong nothing like I never felt b4....the grass will be greener on the other side because I will water it more..

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You r so right..but there is no way I can hold off from my "friend" the attraction is to strong nothing like I never felt b4....the grass will be greener on the other side because I will water it more..

Do what you feel like you gotta do and let us know what you end up doing. I'm curious to see what you ultimately do

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  • 2 weeks later...
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All we have been talking about is how we can't wait to see each other and make love to each other. This is crazy I pick her up on Tuesday at the airport 10:45 am. Under no circumstances I tell my current GF. It would break her heart. How the hell did I get wrapped up this?? Love is a crazy thing

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All we have been talking about is how we can't wait to see each other and make love to each other. This is crazy I pick her up on Tuesday at the airport 10:45 am. Under no circumstances I tell my current GF. It would break her heart. How the hell did I get wrapped up this?? Love is a crazy thing

So have you and your friend done anything physical?

 

It sounds like you just need to break up with your gf before (if you havent already) cheated on her...also if she asks, I'd personally tell her there is someone else because she WILL find out and I imagine it will hurt more if she realizes she was lied to

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All we have been talking about is how we can't wait to see each other and make love to each other. This is crazy I pick her up on Tuesday at the airport 10:45 am. Under no circumstances I tell my current GF. It would break her heart. How the hell did I get wrapped up this?? Love is a crazy thing

 

Get a grip.

 

The rule is: one relationship at a time.

 

If you REALLY are into your friend, you will doom your relationship if you get involved with her before breaking up with your gf. What makes you think your friends wants to be the woman you cheat with? Does she know you have a gf who moved to be with you? Is she ok with you cheating on that gf? If she is, then your friend isn't so awesome, is she? And neither are you a prize if cheating is your resolution to this issue.

 

You can't have both. And you will screw up the new relationship before it begins if you cheat with her on your gf.

 

End your current relationship first. Trust me, your gf DOES NOT want you around if you're thinking about someone else and she absolutely DOES NOT want you cheating on her.

 

Break up before you screw up both relationships. Tell your friend that you can't do anything about your feelings at the moment, because you ARE still involved with your gf. And ONLY when that changes can you move forward into what you expect to be a deeper, more rewarding relationship with your friend.

 

Respect your gf, respect your friend, respect yourself, and respect the kind of relationship you and your friend might be able to develop if you start it off on the right foot. If you start it off on the wrong foot, you will ultimately fail.

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So have you and your friend done anything physical?

 

It sounds like you just need to break up with your gf before (if you havent already) cheated on her...also if she asks, I'd personally tell her there is someone else because she WILL find out and I imagine it will hurt more if she realizes she was lied to

 

No I havent cheated on her...Yes I had a physical 1 time incident with my "friend" a few years ago. No need to tell my girlfriend about someone else because she WILL NOT find out. I move real discreet. planning to break up with her within the next couple of weeks

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Get a grip.

 

The rule is: one relationship at a time.

 

If you REALLY are into your friend, you will doom your relationship if you get involved with her before breaking up with your gf. What makes you think your friends wants to be the woman you cheat with? Does she know you have a gf who moved to be with you? Is she ok with you cheating on that gf? If she is, then your friend isn't so awesome, is she? And neither are you a prize if cheating is your resolution to this issue.

 

You can't have both. And you will screw up the new relationship before it begins if you cheat with her on your gf.

 

End your current relationship first. Trust me, your gf DOES NOT want you around if you're thinking about someone else and she absolutely DOES NOT want you cheating on her.

 

Break up before you screw up both relationships. Tell your friend that you can't do anything about your feelings at the moment, because you ARE still involved with your gf. And ONLY when that changes can you move forward into what you expect to be a deeper, more rewarding relationship with your friend.

 

Respect your gf, respect your friend, respect yourself, and respect the kind of relationship you and your friend might be able to develop if you start it off on the right foot. If you start it off on the wrong foot, you will ultimately fail.

 

A lot of truths to what u said but unfortunately life isnt so simple a lot of gray areas with my current situation.

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So you want to make sure you and the friend get together and she will stick with you before you dump your girlfriend? Why do guys do this - look for another branch before they let go of the one they are on? If you unhappy with your girlfriend then at least break up with her before you start playing away. You are obviously going to do this if it works out with the friend.

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So you want to make sure you and the friend get together and she will stick with you before you dump your girlfriend? Why do guys do this - look for another branch before they let go of the one they are on? If you unhappy with your girlfriend then at least break up with her before you start playing away. You are obviously going to do this if it works out with the friend.

This is what it sounds like to me....break up with her NOW...not in a couple weeks

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I am trying to break up with her..Its not as easy as you think. Reality is I have to break up with her. Regardless of my situation with my friend.

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