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Growing closer to friend, but barrier there against emotional investment


GooseChaser

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Hi everyone, I need some advice. I would appreciate any thoughts!

 

I am becoming closer to a friend whom I have known since high school. It's been at least five or six years now. In this last year, we have become more intimate. We have both admitted that there is chemistry between us. We have made out (for hours) sporadically about half a dozen times, and there is clear physical attraction here. Recently we went on what I consider a date where we kissed, actually held hands a couple times, cuddled, and overall just had a blast together. =3 However, he feels the need to insist that this is a "just friends" relationship and nothing more. Ahahaha! x]

 

In my opinion, there is nothing "friend-like" about this developing relationship. He says he doesn't want me to get too emotionally attached and get hurt. I have to admit, he is really growing on me, and I feel that there is potential here for us, if he would just open himself up to a real relationship. I am becoming attached, whether he likes it or not. However, I am not afraid of getting hurt, and would be willing to give us a chance. What can I do?

 

I am thinking that I just need to spend more time with him and show him that I enjoy our time together. Smile, laugh, and ensure he has a good time as well. Maybe I could ask him out more? He has shown that he is willing to spend time with me one-on-one, and is interested in a physical relationship. He just seems to be hesitant about becoming invested and committed emotionally. What do you guys think about this situation? Please help! Thanks so much in advance!

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We went all the way for the first time yesterday, it went well, and now we're discussing continuing and being sexually active together and birth control. We have condoms, and I'm looking into birth control pills. Once I have a prescription for that, we would probably be able to become much more sexually active. We enjoy spending time together. Is this a relationship potentially forming??? Please help!

 

Is my situation difficult to interpret? It seems like there aren't a lot of obvious answers at the moment, judging by the lack of responses. Anyone? Please? I would appreciate opinions if anyone would like to volunteer theirs. :o

Edited by GooseChaser
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If I want something meaningful to come of this, do I need to pursue a real dating relationship rather than just friends with benefits? Friends with benefits often don't go anywhere, while people who date have the possibility of a relationship. I can think about that, and also have to remember to have good conversations with him to get to know him and share things about myself as well. I'm also going to work on getting in better shape than ever; maybe he'd notice. I'm looking forward to it. We're going to have a great time together. I'm starting to really like him. Hoping for the best, and setting up a future meeting for later this week.... :)

 

He has been showing more interest lately. He's been texting with me more than ever during this last week, shows that he cares, and offers advice if I ask for it, like regarding bus routes and dealing with the parents (they don't like that I'm seeing him). Here's one interesting text exchange we had: I told him about how I was shopping with my mom, had found a cute bikini top, and decided to flirt and say, "Maybe later I can show you. :3" He soon responds, saying (edited to remove chatspeak), "I don't know why you put it on, I'm just going to tear it off anyway. What's the point?" Does this sound like a good sign? :D

 

:love:

Edited by GooseChaser
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... Okay. I've posted a similar topic on another forum, and the image they paint of my situation makes it look much less rosy. The general consensus is that he is looking to get as far as he can physically, is willing to behave and be charming to obtain that goal (he didn't behave so well with the other female friend who he upset, leading her to seek out police action to protect herself), and that he likely doesn't want anything meaningful or lasting. It's a disappointing point of view, almost approaching depressing, and sorta takes away some of that hope I had, but maybe it is realistic and a more accurate view of what is happening here.

 

Thoughts?

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he feels the need to insist that this is a "just friends" relationship and nothing more.

 

Here's my version, from someone who told me she loved me, in words and on paper, many times over a couple decades....

 

'We're not a couple; you know that, right?'

 

Sometimes, the truth is just that simple.

 

You have it within your power to enjoy the company of men who want to date you and have a romantic relationship with you. I suggest you get to it. Best wishes :)

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Yes. I think I have my answer. I don't want to settle for someone who doesn't like me enough to enthusiastically pursue meaningful romance with me. I shouldn't let us use each other that way. :) He'll be disappointed. I was sounding favorable to his ideas, too. x] Who knows, maybe if I refuse to enter a hollow, casual relationship, if he cares enough it will kick his butt into gear to chase something real.

 

Thank you for your opinion! :D

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I will not be his "practice girl", who he USES to prepare himself to be experienced for girls he REALLY likes. I'm out of here. Looks like I've got to run. I have to respect myself.

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As a guy who became sexually active relatively late in life, the only time I pursued anything but a romantic *and* sexual relationship with a woman was when I was a virgin. I can't imagine this guy, if sexually active, sitting around for years working things up to sex with you. It's possible but I can't imagine it and I have a pretty wild imagination :D

 

Since you and he have some sort of 'relationship', tell him clearly what you're doing to be healthy within yourself, and then do it. That's my advice.

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As a guy who became sexually active relatively late in life, the only time I pursued anything but a romantic *and* sexual relationship with a woman was when I was a virgin. I can't imagine this guy, if sexually active, sitting around for years working things up to sex with you. It's possible but I can't imagine it and I have a pretty wild imagination :D

 

Since you and he have some sort of 'relationship', tell him clearly what you're doing to be healthy within yourself, and then do it. That's my advice.

It's done. He's been informed that it's over. All is well with the world. :)

 

He insisted that we are just friends, and in my message to him, I emphasized that. After all, if he says we are just friends, any physical relationship should not exist. If he wants a physical relationship, he can pursue it the right way and be romantic. ;)

 

We had fun, and I admit that I enjoyed the attention, but the way things are right now has to stop. I'm putting my foot down.

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As a guy who became sexually active relatively late in life, the only time I pursued anything but a romantic *and* sexual relationship with a woman was when I was a virgin. I can't imagine this guy, if sexually active, sitting around for years working things up to sex with you. It's possible but I can't imagine it and I have a pretty wild imagination :D

 

Since you and he have some sort of 'relationship', tell him clearly what you're doing to be healthy within yourself, and then do it. That's my advice.

Oh, and Carhill, I had sex with him for the first time last Friday. He was my first: in sex, in kissing, and just in starting to have that kind of comfort in touching a guy. It was nice, actually. I know how important sex is to men, and because I was interested in him, I thought I would take the step to show him that I was open to that kind of relationship and capable of being a fun girlfriend. :D I don't regret my choice, but I'm thankful to have a clearer view of the situation now. :)

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IMO, the important thing is finding a relationship which is healthy for you and meets your needs for spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. This experience was/is good information. I remember my first, albeit at a far older age than yourself, and still have positive feelings, even though it was short-lived. I learned a lot, but still had many mistakes left to make. That's life :)

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IMO, the important thing is finding a relationship which is healthy for you and meets your needs for spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. This experience was/is good information. I remember my first, albeit at a far older age than yourself, and still have positive feelings, even though it was short-lived. I learned a lot, but still had many mistakes left to make. That's life :)

Yep! I'm glad I'm free now to find someone who really cares about me, enough to give me commitment and the dignity of the title of girlfriend. You are right that this relationship I would have had with him would not have fulfilled all of those essential needs, and I'm glad I stood up for myself. Honestly, I think 21 was a respectable age to lose my virginity. It's a good age. I'm an adult, knew what I was getting into, and felt ready, and that's what's important. :)

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So earlier I posted about telling him that I was uncomfortable with our current circumstances. He understood and said that he appreciated my honesty. He sounds like he still wants to continue a physical relationship if he can, which isn't a surprise. =] He sent me a text recommending a funny video on youtube by Eddie Murphy, and in another text invited me to go to a stand-up comedy show next week. He seems like he wants to help cheer me up, and he is interested in spending time with me too. It's sorta cute. Is he asking me out? Is this a good sign? :)

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Oh, and Carhill, I had sex with him for the first time last Friday. He was my first: in sex, in kissing, and just in starting to have that kind of comfort in touching a guy. It was nice, actually. I know how important sex is to men, and because I was interested in him, I thought I would take the step to show him that I was open to that kind of relationship and capable of being a fun girlfriend. :D I don't regret my choice, but I'm thankful to have a clearer view of the situation now. :)

 

in another text invited me to go to a stand-up comedy show next week. He seems like he wants to help cheer me up, and he is interested in spending time with me too. It's sorta cute. Is he asking me out? Is this a good sign? :)

 

Two quotes put together from two different posts. Could there be a connection between my showing that I am willing to have sex and his sudden willingness to possibly start dating me? Figures.... ;)

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Perhaps, but I'm the wrong person to be asking that question of, as I generally refrain from genital sex until well into the dating process, usually one-two months. At that point, it's called love-making. You might get better perspective from others on this nuance.

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Perhaps, but I'm the wrong person to be asking that question of, as I generally refrain from genital sex until well into the dating process, usually one-two months. At that point, it's called love-making. You might get better perspective from others on this nuance.

 

Thank you so much for contributing your thoughts, Carhill! I appreciate it! :)

 

Well, we might be newly dating, but we've known each other as friends for years, so this isn't out of nowhere. Before having sex we had been occasionally hanging out on our own and, staring in the summer of last year, commonly spent the time making out, and for a good amount of time each time, too. He was actually my first kiss (it was a good one, and I won't forget it :)), and he taught me to be a good kisser. Hehe. :D I'm happy to say that he never pushed me to go farther before I was ready, and he believes in going about it safely, which is good too. I think it's pretty cool that he was so patient about waiting. Anyway, you could say we were dating before in a way, though he intended it to be no-strings-attached. I guess we'll just have to see how things develop! That will be fun to see! :)

Edited by GooseChaser
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Any more thoughts, Loveshack? Opinions are always welcome, and I'd love to hear them! It helps to better understand the situation and see it from different perspectives.

 

For now I am giving him space, because he is having a difficult week at school, full of tests, and I want him to devote all of his attention to his classes; I don't want to be a distraction and drag his grades down. If he started to see his grades were suffering because of our interactions, it wouldn't be good. I'm personally very proud of him for taking his academics so seriously this year, and I hope he keeps it up!

 

He wants us to take things "slow and easy", and I'm up for that. It sounds like a good way to approach it, and I feel optimistic about what may be coming in the future. I can be patient, and I'm sure it's wise to be patient here. There's no need to rush things. :)

 

I texted him yesterday taking back my previous comment to him that I wanted to stop the physical relationship. I think he was happy to hear it. ;) I guess we'll just have to see how things progress over time! For now, he says that he wants me to chill, and that he will contact me. Looks like I just have to wait then. =]

Edited by GooseChaser
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Big update! I have had a good conversation with him tonight, and we have agreed to an exclusive "friends with benefits" relationship. :) I'm very pleased to hear that he is willing to be exclusive, and I look forward to where this might lead! I'm very excited! Who knows, maybe over time we will progress to dating! It seems to me that an exclusive friends with benefits thing isn't too far away from a real relationship; a relationship is just a few notches more serious and public. He only asked that I allow him to take a break if he needs space, which I agreed to. Wow! I was almost expecting more resistance to this stuff, but I guess he thought it was a good idea! He just wanted reassurance that I would be okay, and that I wasn't, and am not, getting hurt.

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FearandLoathing

Hi GooseChaser,

 

I've read your thread and your update but I would just like to caution you that, although you are in an "exclusive" FWB relationship it is still not a relationship and if that is what you are looking for I would advise against this. From what I've read, this is basically already what you two were doing previously but now there's been a title put on it.

 

Typically in FWB situations, someone ends up developing feelings and getting hurt because the other person does not want the same. If you feel that you would be fine not being in a relationship, and potentially ending it with him if he finds someone he wants to be in an actual relationship with...then go ahead. Just be careful with what you're getting into here and keep in mind always that it's not a relationship.

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Hi GooseChaser,

 

I've read your thread and your update but I would just like to caution you that, although you are in an "exclusive" FWB relationship it is still not a relationship and if that is what you are looking for I would advise against this. From what I've read, this is basically already what you two were doing previously but now there's been a title put on it.

 

Typically in FWB situations, someone ends up developing feelings and getting hurt because the other person does not want the same. If you feel that you would be fine not being in a relationship, and potentially ending it with him if he finds someone he wants to be in an actual relationship with...then go ahead. Just be careful with what you're getting into here and keep in mind always that it's not a relationship.

Yes, that is true, and I will keep that in mind. For a start, being exclusive seems pretty fair, and when looking up different types of relationships, they list "friends with benefits" right under "relationship." Seeing that I would be in an exclusive friends with benefits thing, it seems to be right in the middle there, which seems pretty good. I understand that friends with benefits is more temporary of a thing than a true relationship, and I would not hesitate to end it and go back to being just friends with him if he did meet someone else. I could handle having to do that. For now, though, we have agreed that we will not see anyone else, and that is encouraging. If either of us wants to chase another person, we have to inform the other, and then we re-evaluate where we stand.

 

He has told me that he likes me, but he does not love me. That does not totally discourage me, because I know that love is a very strong emotion, and it takes time to develop that. Perhaps over time we may start to find love, with a bit of luck. If we don't, that is okay too. Relationships don't always work out, and that is life.

 

As for me, he is growing on me for sure, and I like him. I would like things to work out, but all I can do is see where things go! I'm hoping for the best, though! :) Thank you for your thoughts!

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Should I be concerned if he refuses to change his facebook relationship status from single, stating we aren't in a relationship? That is true, but he can at least change it to "it's complicated," like I have. We are exclusive, so to say we are "single" is inaccurate. Is this a red flag that he isn't taking us seriously? I know one thing, though, he's still keeping his eyes open for other women, even if we aren't seeing anyone else.

 

Should I ask him to change it? If he continues to refuse, should I consider saying goodbye? I'm looking for something more serious. It isn't okay with me if he doesn't recognize the fact that he is involved with someone publicly.

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The corollary for a man is a woman who is 'exclusive' emotionally with him but is not sexually intimate with him, rather with other men, generally men whom she's attracted to but who won't commit to her or give her emotional intimacy. He's her 'emotional FWB'. It's not quite as messy and physically risky as a sexual FWB but can be just as damaging, again dependent upon the perspectives of the people involved.

 

The OP, if she were compartmentalize, could have such a man. The trick is to find one who is a bit clueless about relationships and thinks that emotional intimacy evolves into sexual intimacy. Keep him strung along *thinking* he'll get laid but never actually getting there.

 

The more I think about this, the more commonalities I've seen of this dynamic in my life experience. It overwhelmingly explains the EA's I've had with MW's, some of whom had concurrent PA's with other men while married to their suspecting or unsuspecting husbands. God was efficient when he created humans :)

 

Should I ask him to change it? If he continues to refuse, should I consider saying goodbye? I'm looking for something more serious.
No you shouldn't ask, yes you should say goodbye if your needs and wants aren't being met, and good for you. :)
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No you shouldn't ask, yes you should say goodbye if your needs and wants aren't being met, and good for you. :)

I'll do that, thanks Carhill! :) I won't reward him for keeping our friends with benefits relationship a secret, ESPECIALLY considering we are exclusive (supposedly).

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Honey,

 

I think you're making excuses to yourself. "If I have sex with him, I might prove to him that I'd make a fun girlfriend and he may like me". "He said he 'likes me but doesn't love me, so we can't be in a relationship'." You make it sound like it's all fine and dandy if you guys just have sex and nothing else... but is that really what you think, or are you trying to rationalize things to yourself?

 

You don't NEED to do all this to get a guy, GC!

 

Guys who 'like' (not even 'love') girls and don't just want free and easy sex DATE them. They don't insist on FWB. There have been cases where it COULDN'T go further than FWB despite both sides having feelings because of strong commitments or situations (kids etc), but it is evidently not so in this case. This guy is just not interested in a relationship with you! Even if he does in the end ask you to be his gf, he would not be doing it for the right reasons, because he was not interested to begin with.

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