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He says he only wants to be friends??

Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 30th January 2010, 10:04 PM   #1
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He says he only wants to be friends??

I really need some advice here so your input is greatly appreciated.

I have worked with a friend of mine for the last 13 years. I think I am in love with him, I think about him all the time and I would love to have more with him however I think after last night, I know where he stands as far as we go.

We work very closely together at work and in the last year have become even closer to one another. We tell each other everything, he tells me things that he tells no one else. We talk on the phone for over an hour almost every day, he is always coming down to see me just for no reason, when he calls it's sometimes just to talk and has nothing to do with work. He will walk by my office and will always look towards my office and smiles if I look up and see him. We go out to lunch a few times a month and he always pays even though I have tried to pickup the check.

We have slept together, 3-4 times since we have known each other. About a year ago when he became single (I was not single) he told me that I was very special to him, he cared for me very much, and that the times we made love meant everything to him. Now this was after him having a few drinks, I drove him home and he asked me inside. We kissed for a little bit and he told me that he never wanted to lose me. I decided to stop things that night, not sure if it was b/c of my boyfriend but I left.

This happened a few more times and after I became single we did sleep together. He told me he loved me but not sure if that was in the heat of the moment. We hang out quite a bit now but neither of us has made a move to take this further since we have been single. I decided that I was going to say something about a month ago while we were at a party. I told him that I cared very much for him and wanted this to go somewhere, he said that he was looking for the one, not just anyone. I was very hurt and left the party. I could not believe that he said this. I knew then that I needed to move on.

This was very stupid on my part but I sent him a text msg telling him that I needed to back away from our friendship right now and that we can talk and be professional at work but that was it. The next day he comes to my office, very red in the face and ask me about the football game. We are both in a football pool so this has always been something that we talked about however I could not belive that he was trying to talk to me after what I had text him. I was very short with my answers and he finally walked away. The next day he tried to get my attention and was smiling while looking me in the eye but I ignored him.

This went on for a few weeks of him trying to get my attention, talking to me about everything other than work, and calling me all the time. Finally I could not stand it and we were back to being the way we had always been. We were even going out together with people from work and having fun as we always have. I thought that maybe he was trying to tell me that he wanted something more and that he had been wrong. He even asked me over to his house a few weeks ago. It was just him and I but then a few friends showed up. The girl who was there told him that she thought I was really cute and that she could tell that he really liked me. He said yeah I like her, I actually lover her to death. When we were alone that night he told me that I just don't get it and that he cares so much for me. He later fell asleep while on the couch with his head on my shoulder.

He asked me over to his house again last night. I was very exicited b/c I thought he was going to finally tell me what I wanted to hear. When I got to his house he acted like he was very happy to see me. He fixed me a drink, put on some music and we sat and talked about all kinds of things from work to family to relationships. It was going great and I could tell we were both feeling no pain for the drinks. I reached over to grab his hand and he pulled away. I looked at him and he quickly got up to go to the kitchen. I waited and he came back down and sat beside me. I looked at him and told him that I care a great deal for him and he said he cares for me as well. He said that I was very special but we are friends and that nothing could happen. I asked him why the change and he said that this is no change that he is looking for the one. I said yeah I have heard that before. He said that we are friends and that was the way it is. I said so what do you see me as sister and he said NO, that is not the case at all. I care for you so much and not in a sister/brother way. I finally got up and left, I was so hurt b/c I don't understand him. I mean I guess he doesn't want anything with me but I felt like the signs were there. I felt such a connection but I guess it was on my end only.

What do you think? Could he be confused or should I take what he said last night and move on? He has told me that he is very shy, has problems with telling girls how he feels and is afraid of being turned down by a woman. He said that he is not the type to express how he feels and needs to know the woman is interested before he will show anything.
lovebug24 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2010, 4:20 AM   #2
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Sounds like this guy is all over the place. At this point i would just take a really blunt approach. Tell him you're either going to be more than friends or nothing, because the situation you're in now isn't healthy. If hes confused and thinks he might lose you permanently it could give him the motivation to make up his mind. If hes really that fearful of rejection you admitting to him that you want to date him removes that risk for him. Its going to be a few minutes of embarrassment if he turns you down, but at least you'll be able to move on without that nagging "what if".
Dolos is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2010, 1:36 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by lovebug24
He has told me that he is very shy, has problems with telling girls how he feels and is afraid of being turned down by a woman. He said that he is not the type to express how he feels and needs to know the woman is interested before he will show anything.
The problem isn't his fear of being hurt, but his fear of your response if he were honest. "I enjoy spending time with you, but I don't want a relationship with you." That his feelings for you does not mean that he wants a relationship with you.

When you back off from this and attempt to be platonic only, he tries to get your attention; when you have let him know you want a relationship, he provides the reasons above and falls back on "just friends," to make you aware that you can't expect anything more of him.

He has made it obvious that your current involvement is all that he is willing to provide. If that isn't what you want, you have to make the decision to give yourself space from him completely. It will do you no benefit to continue investing in this man.
O'Malley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2010, 6:24 PM   #4
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Well he knows you are interested and he still isn't showing you anything.

He's told you more than once that he is looking for the "one" and not just "anyone." I think you have to accept that he considers you just "anyone."

You're hanging on to him and you're only going to be hurt. How horrible are you going to feel the night he shows up at a party with the girl he thinks is the "one?" You should end it before that possibility plays out.
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