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"but youre like my brother"


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funwithpaint

"but youre like my brother"

 

Thats how a 3 hour conversation ended two nights ago. I had been talking to a girl i met coming up on 3 years ago. After i started talking to her i found out we shared some common friends and things went from there and we became friends. We shared a class for a year and I really fell for her but she either knew it and didnt care or she was oblivious.

 

During this year long period I was basically her tutor and her gpa reflected it (for that year at least). That year she went through a couple of boy friends. For some reason i thought that if i got a chance that things would be differnt and i would last longer than the others. That year i asked her to prom and she said yes. But then she got grounded for talking back to her parents. So I dropped my prom plans and just took the hit and kept on going. Never did i lose hope.

 

Over the summer i visited her at summer school a few times. I brought her cupcakes on her birthday. Nice little things. We started to talk alot more and it become a weekly thing for us to talk past midnight.

 

One night i told her how i felt and then things went bad. Somewhere along the line she had forgotten to tell me that she was going out with a long time family friend. I couldnt see any soloution to this problem except to move on and either wait or find someone else.

 

I ended up waiting for her to be single again and that took about a year during which i didnt see alot of her and i only heard from her when she was sad and neeeded moral support. So i averted all of her crisis and we got close again.

 

I didnt push things because i didnt want to have my hopes smashed again. So i just sort of hovered in her life trying to stand out as the best guy she knew.

 

Then two nights ago she called me looking for me to cheer her up. I did and i again told her the way i felt. To this she replied "but youre like my brother". This made me really angry. I bit my tongue and stayed civil and shortly after ended the conversation.

 

Today she called me and acted as if nothing had happened.

 

Does someone out there know where I went wrong and if i can salvage this situation?

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TaraMaiden

Listen: That's twice she's blown you off, but you've essentially wasted 3 years of your life being a fall-guy on a back-burner for a girl who just doesn't have those feelings for you, and it seems, never will have.

There is no situation to salvage.

the only situation is the one you have built up and created in your mind.

 

You have to accept this, and move on, make new friends and find a girlfriend.

 

Either just accept that she will never be in your life romantically, but is a friend who turns to you when she needs support - and be content with that -

 

or

 

- tell her that knowing her and feeling the way you do, is just too painful and difficult for you, and you don't want to see her or talk to her any more. It's ok for her, she doesn't feel the way you do - but you do. So it's bye bye and have a great life but you're moving on.

 

Then instigate 100% no contact.

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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193127/

 

Read it. Then tell me why it's a good idea to be this girl's emotional tampon. Why on earth would you want to salvage this? She takes everything from you, yet gives you nothing in return.

Quoted for truth.

 

Been there, done that, there's nothing good that can come of it.

 

You will not be able to change her mind no matter how good and decent a man you are.

 

Trust me on this. You're friend-zoned. No way out.

 

If you wish years of agony, continue doing what you're doing. But it won't make any difference. She'll suck you dry - and not in a good way.

 

Sorry.

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you'll be pleased to know that I've cut her out of my life

 

We'll see about that. Just wait until she comes around looking for your attention. Because she will. You've got a long hard road ahead of you and this won't be easy as turning off a light switch.

 

My advice? Every time you feel like contacting her, post here on LS instead. Just keep your mind busy and off of her as much as you can.

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funwithpaint

Ah but such is life.

 

Thanks for the LS posting idea. I will probably take advantage of that.

 

But for the moment what seems to be working is remembering that i was wrapped around someones finger for 3 years. It restores my will power and makes me more resolute because i cannot stand being manipulated and yet i allowed it to happen.

 

She hasnt called or texted yet but she will.

 

I guess i will post about that when it happens.

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Thanks for the answers you'll be pleased to know that I've cut her out of my life.

 

Congratulations bro! Next time you meet a girl you like make a move on her rather quickly.

 

Check out this thread. I think it will really resonate with you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193127/

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funwithpaint

Thanks, but like ranger said i think this is just the eye of the storm.

she will be pissed when she finds out that her "BFF" is no longer talking to her. In addition to that she has a past history of self abuse and worse so this is going to be a very delicate situation in the coming months.

 

 

Oh and i tried to make a move but the whole relationship was/is a terrible terrible terrible string of unlucky breaks and my sense of misguided hope :D.

 

Thanks for the link.

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Thanks, but like ranger said i think this is just the eye of the storm.

she will be pissed when she finds out that her "BFF" is no longer talking to her. In addition to that she has a past history of self abuse and worse so this is going to be a very delicate situation in the coming months.

 

 

Oh and i tried to make a move but the whole relationship was/is a terrible terrible terrible string of unlucky breaks and my sense of misguided hope :D.

 

Thanks for the link.

 

I hear you bro. Hang in there, don't forget that we're here to keep you on the right track when you're feeling weak.

 

You can do this.

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funwithpaint

Thanks for the support. Depending on how things go i might send her that link to the onion article.

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Thanks for the support. Depending on how things go i might send her that link to the onion article.

 

lol I'd be curious to see what her reaction to that is.

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funwithpaint
lol I'd be curious to see what her reaction to that is.

 

I'll keep a record of the convo.

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thrillaveza

goodluck i'm somewhat in your situation as well. it sucks to know that the love not returned is the kind of love that lasts longer. i've had my friends tell me that im being stubborn, and just get over it. but the thing is, it is hard. i did the NC rule and it didn't really work well. but i believe it's just part of the process of moving on and trust me, im not one to give you the advice but i can at least be a stepping stone of some help. just learn from my mistakes (go to my post if you want to know) and if you haven't moved on, at least you know that she needs you, rather than it being the other way around and that she may have been on a kinder note "blind" to see how much she means to you then we know it's her loss. and if it's hard for you to move on..you are not alone.

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While I agree with WT and Phate as to the nature of your "relationship" with her (and I found the Onion article hilarious, partly because it rings so true...) I think instead of turning it into hostility toward her for "what she did" and "taking and never giving" and making you her "emotional tampon" (which I think is funny, too, don't get me wrong...) I think you should man up, take responsibility for yourself, and own it. Which means not making it her fault. She was just taking what you offered - selfish, maybe, but not really evil, is it?

 

And I think you do a more secure job of taking back control of your testicles by saying to yourself "I did this, I misunderstood it, and now I'm learning from it and moving on" than to say "Poor, helpless me, I was led on by this evil enchantress..." Own it, make up your mind to move on, and watch out for it in the future.

 

And taking this attitude will help defuse whatever discussion you have with her about it. There's no need to tell her "Screw you, you did something bad and wrong..." Just tell her that you think of her as a potential girlfriend - there's no need to hide or minimize that, and you're speaking the truth, so you can speak it honestly. When she tells you that she only thinks of you as a brother, then you can say, "well, at least we agree that we aren't seeing each other in the same way," and leave it at that.

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Trimmer makes an excellent point. You have to own up to the fact that you did this to yourself. Once you accept that, you have all the power to change your situation.

 

Being a victim means you have no control.

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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193127/

 

Read it. Then tell me why it's a good idea to be this girl's emotional tampon. Why on earth would you want to salvage this? She takes everything from you, yet gives you nothing in return.

 

WTRanger, this cracked me up!!!

 

I've been that girl. More than once too, and having read that article, I realize that girls such as myself that put loving guys in that position are being cruel... but I'd just like to say (and maybe this is the case for you Phateless, though I can only speak for myself) that when I pulled men through that mess, I sincerely had a crush on those guys. The problem for myself has been, however, due to lack of confidence in myself (hence the whole "youre a great guy and you'll find someone wonderful, someday, but not me, but when you find her I'll act jealous") in which I like the guy so much, but even when he TRIES to make a move on me, I spook, because I've been hurt in the past and don't want to lose someone so important...

 

Its a lame excuse. I know. But when I get a guy stuck in the friendzone, its like its a defence mechanism where I don't have the lose the guy, because friends stay friends forever (in my mind) but couples break up and stop talking.

 

I'm guessing most girls in this situation are just too wounded (and need to toughen up - like myself) if they want to actually move on and be happy.

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WTRanger, this cracked me up!!!

 

I've been that girl. More than once too, and having read that article, I realize that girls such as myself that put loving guys in that position are being cruel... but I'd just like to say (and maybe this is the case for you Phateless, though I can only speak for myself) that when I pulled men through that mess, I sincerely had a crush on those guys. The problem for myself has been, however, due to lack of confidence in myself (hence the whole "youre a great guy and you'll find someone wonderful, someday, but not me, but when you find her I'll act jealous") in which I like the guy so much, but even when he TRIES to make a move on me, I spook, because I've been hurt in the past and don't want to lose someone so important...

 

Its a lame excuse. I know. But when I get a guy stuck in the friendzone, its like its a defence mechanism where I don't have the lose the guy, because friends stay friends forever (in my mind) but couples break up and stop talking.

 

I'm guessing most girls in this situation are just too wounded (and need to toughen up - like myself) if they want to actually move on and be happy.

 

That's a tough spot to be in, but the unfortunate reality is that if a girl put me through that, I would decide that she has so much baggage that I'm better off.

 

You can't live life in fear. Life is about risks. Take one. ;)

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The ONLY reason a guy should be "just friends" with a girl is if:

 

a) There's a pretty good chance she could become a ****-buddy.

 

or

 

b) She has a lot of hot friends you could meet through her.

 

The only time I've been in a "just friends" situation was when this cool girl and I were hanging around with each other very frequently last fall. We'd have many "dates," in the sense where we'd go get dinner with just the two of us, but just as friends. All that time she's had a boyfriend back home. Fortunately, she hardly ever even mentioned him around me, let alone give me all the drama. Eventually, I started to become attracted to her, and once that happened I cut things off. She wasn't going to leave her boyfriend for me, and she didn't have any hot friends, so sticking around would only make me feel worse.

 

So bottom line is don't be friends with girls unless that friendship can lead to sex or other girls.

 

Oh, and for the OP: one of the next times you're talking to her, throw her BS right back at her. Tell her that she's a sister to you, or tell her she LOOKS like your sister.

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JohnnyBlaze
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193127/

 

Read it. Then tell me why it's a good idea to be this girl's emotional tampon. Why on earth would you want to salvage this? She takes everything from you, yet gives you nothing in return.

 

A-men! Sing it, brother! If this site had a rep option, I'd have just crashed this server giving you so much rep for that. It's one of those things that I refer to as a "forest truth". When you're not directly involved in the situation, you can clearly see the forest (i.e. the whole situation). But when you're the one who's right in the midst of it, all you can see are the trees. I hate to admit it, but I recently fell victim to that exact problem. It's only been in the last 24-48 hours that I looked around and said "...what the...? Aw, cr_p!". Even now, my head's fighting itself to convince myself that I really am in that position. It ain't easy admitting you've been used, especially when you have to admit it to yourself.

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It's all about getting past the victim mentality. You accept responsibility for putting yourself in this situation and you find you have the control and the power to get yourself out of it.

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Unfortunately I know all too well the sting of this situation. Johnny Blaze, I think I'm still in the woods! Maybe not deep in the forest, but I can still see trees. Ha ha!!

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funwithpaint
While I agree with WT and Phate as to the nature of your "relationship" with her (and I found the Onion article hilarious, partly because it rings so true...) I think instead of turning it into hostility toward her for "what she did" and "taking and never giving" and making you her "emotional tampon" (which I think is funny, too, don't get me wrong...) I think you should man up, take responsibility for yourself, and own it. Which means not making it her fault. She was just taking what you offered - selfish, maybe, but not really evil, is it?

 

And I think you do a more secure job of taking back control of your testicles by saying to yourself "I did this, I misunderstood it, and now I'm learning from it and moving on" than to say "Poor, helpless me, I was led on by this evil enchantress..." Own it, make up your mind to move on, and watch out for it in the future.

 

And taking this attitude will help defuse whatever discussion you have with her about it. There's no need to tell her "Screw you, you did something bad and wrong..." Just tell her that you think of her as a potential girlfriend - there's no need to hide or minimize that, and you're speaking the truth, so you can speak it honestly. When she tells you that she only thinks of you as a brother, then you can say, "well, at least we agree that we aren't seeing each other in the same way," and leave it at that.

 

I agree totally with what you are saying and that is how I approach everyone of my failures. Being the victim is not something I like and I never use that as a cop out. I have told her that this is something that I need to do and not something she is making me do.

 

Trimmer makes an excellent point. You have to own up to the fact that you did this to yourself. Once you accept that, you have all the power to change your situation.

 

Being a victim means you have no control.

 

QFT

 

The ONLY reason a guy should be "just friends" with a girl is if:

 

a) There's a pretty good chance she could become a ****-buddy.

 

or

 

b) She has a lot of hot friends you could meet through her.

 

The only time I've been in a "just friends" situation was when this cool girl and I were hanging around with each other very frequently last fall. We'd have many "dates," in the sense where we'd go get dinner with just the two of us, but just as friends. All that time she's had a boyfriend back home. Fortunately, she hardly ever even mentioned him around me, let alone give me all the drama. Eventually, I started to become attracted to her, and once that happened I cut things off. She wasn't going to leave her boyfriend for me, and she didn't have any hot friends, so sticking around would only make me feel worse.

 

So bottom line is don't be friends with girls unless that friendship can lead to sex or other girls.

 

Oh, and for the OP: one of the next times you're talking to her, throw her BS right back at her. Tell her that she's a sister to you, or tell her she LOOKS like your sister.

 

Although i dont agree with your first two paragraphs your third one has proven to be effective. Two days ago at my grad party she showed up and was pulling her usual BS and I ignored her and focused on another girl that I know she doesnt like. When asked why i didnt spend time with her i responded "cause it would be weird for me to hit on my sister"

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