What should I do?

[ineedyourhelp]

Hi All,

 

 

I don't know if this is the right forum to be posting in, but here goes,

 

 

About nine months ago, I started chatting to a guy that I met through a website that we both use, which is connected with his profession.

 

We chatted daily, for hours on end and eventually progressed to talking on the telephone. I checked out everything he told me about himself, his name, address, marital status, etc etc.... and everything he told me thankfully turned out to be true. He is who he says he is, and he does do the job he's says he does, so I have no suspicions about any of this, he is very well known in his profession.

 

He is single, 43, a father of two girls {his daughters' mum married somebody else around 4 years ago} and lives alone, on top of all this, he is also extremely goodlooking and everything that most females would dream of! {ok, I said 'most', not all! LOL}

 

So, after a while we became very close, to the point where he would ask me where I'd been if I wasn't online when he was.... and I would with him.

 

All of a sudden, and out of nowhere, he started being really cool with me, I didn't know why and when I asked him, he wouldn't give me an answer.

 

A few of the other females on the site had started sending him pm's {another female he'd spoken to before me, had put the word round that he was 'drop dead gorgeous' etc,.. I guess it could only be expected} he would tell me about them, and we'd laugh them off!

 

A while after he'd started being cold towards me.... and quite often nasty, it came to light that one of these females had told him some really bad stuff about me {not one shred of it was true, obviously she didn't know a thing about me, didn't even know me as a person,.... but she knew of his interest in me}. The things she said were cruel and hurtful, thankfully a good friend of mine had the good sense to tell me about these things..... and sent me the evidence {she'd stayed over at her house as a guest...and had forgotten to delete the email she sent to him, from the 'sent box' of outlook express, my friend stumbled upon it days later}

 

I spoke to him about this email, which he admitted she'd sent him, and told me that he'd not known what to believe when he'd received it, but I assured him that NONE of it was true.. and he said that he believed me. The next day I mailed this young lady and gave her a piece of my mind, remembering to send him a copy at the same time, so he could see that I was being honest. I also send him the reply that she sent to me {she denied most of what she'd written in her mail to him,... obviously assuming that he'd told me...... not realising that I had it from somebody else.}

 

For the first few days after all this happened, I was really pissed at it all and he knew it, he couldn't be nice enough, it was like he was bothered that I'd just walk from it and have nothing to do with him again, because it had been my friend that had told me about this mail.... and not him.

 

Then he got cold towards me again, I simply never knew where I was with him. He stopped saying things like 'where've you been?' or 'you're late online today honey', and if I asked him where he'd been, he'd get really moody and start saying things like "You make me feel like I owe you an explanation or something, I'm not married to you you know". He knew this upset me, but he still did it. On a few occasions I did suggest that we should stop chatting to each other if he was going to be snappy with me, but he said that he didn't want to, that he enjoyed chatting to me. Then he told me that he had feelings for me, but couldn't explain what these feelings were, just that he knew he did.

 

I was invited to go and stay with my cousin for Christmas, so I decided to go, I needed a few days away. I never bothered to discuss this with him, I was planning on doing it the day before I went, but about 3 days before this we had an argument and I never bothered telling him. On Christmas Eve, I wrote him a mail, told him that I was going away, wouldn't be returning till the following week, and would appreciate it if he would either make up his mind and we'd finally meet to see how we felt about each other, or we called it a day with all contact and he should delete me from his AOL messenger before I returned.

 

On my return, I logged on...... and there he was. We spoke, and I asked him if he'd read the mail I sent to him, he said he had.... and that he'd wondered where Id gone to! I told him that considering the circumstances, I was very surprised that he hadn't deleted me from his messenger, he said 'why would i do that, I like talking to you!' I asked him outright {as I have on several occasions} 'are you seeing somebody else?', his answer is ALWAYS 'No, I'm not and that's the truth' ,..... yet he doesn't make any moves towards us meeting. He was the one who was all for it in the beginning, not me. {we were supposed to meet once, but I fell ill a few days before and I couldn't make it, but he was fine about it}

 

I do have a lot of feelings for this man, but I feel as if he's playing me, playing with my feelings.

 

He's now detached himself from the website where we met, he won't have anything more to do with it..... and has on a few occasions asked me if I still do {which I do, and have told him so}.

He thinks that there's too many 'weirdo's' attaching themselves to it, it's not a very large site, but is gradually starting to get bigger. I know that he doesn't like the people who have become my 'friends', even though it is only 'online' {I have never met them} and often says not so nice things about them, even though he doesn't know them.

 

I'm so mixed up, because I don't know what to do about this man, I don't now how he really feels, I don't even know if 'he' knows how he feels. When I've given him an ultimatum 'meet me or we forget it', he says that he really wants us to meet,..... but we still haven't!

 

The last time I said, 'we either meet in the next month, or else I'm outta here'. This was nearly a month ago, he's not been online for the last few days, owing to PC problems {which can't be helped, I do understand}..... do I get the hell out before he returns, or do I wait patiently in the hope that he'll come to his senses?

 

Ok, over to you now,.... what should I do?

[Tolkien]

I think he was looking for a way out of the relationship and he got it with that email from "the lady" even though it wasn't true. I also think he doesn't have what it takes to tell you honestly how he feels, that he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

 

I think he would have liked to meet you way back when, but has lost interest now (how long has it been?).

 

My suggestion to you is to take this relationship into the real world, or let it die.

 

He sounds like an honest professional guy, that's just not interested. Online relationships can only go so far.

 

Oh, and one more thing, don't make your decision till Tony replies, hehe....

[Tony T]

This online drama is pretty sickening. Do yourself a favor and give up on this guy, stay away from that site, and go find yourself someone in person in your town.

 

If you meet someone online and they aren't willing to meet you fairly soon, there's a serious problem. Our maker did not intend for people to conduct relationships with a computer. Computers don't have hearts, feelings, hands, lips, vaginas and penises. Only real, in-the-flesh people have those and they are all requirements for a healthy relationship.

 

You will have come a very long way once you make the decision not to conduct such tomfoolery with people you meet online. It's such a terrible waste of time and we don't live forever.

 

My guess is that if he's a goodlooking guy, he's got more women than he can handle. Besides, if he's decent at all he'll be dedicating a lot of his free time to his daughters.

[Tolkien]

Originally posted by Tony

Computers don't have hearts, feelings, hands, lips, vaginas and penises.

 

hehehe, very well said.

 

(I told you to wait for tony)

[ineedyourhelp]

Hi again, and thank you both for your replies.

 

Tolkien

I also think he doesn't have what it takes to tell you honestly how he feels, that he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

I've told him so many times to just delete me if he doesn't want to talk, but he keeps on insisting that he does... and gets upset if I suggest that we should stop all contact. On two occasions {the last being around 3 weeks ago} he called me immediately after I said that I'd had enough of him 'playing games', that he could take a hike.... and then I logged off. This upset him very much.

 

If he didn't want to talk, or wanted a way out, he could've taken it there and then, no questions asked. He knows for a fact that once all contact is stopped, I'll never contact him again, in any way, shape or form, I have assured him of this.

 

He tells me all the time, that I'm the only person that he can trust online {he's often come across as very insecure in a lot of ways}

 

The girl who sent him the nasty email about me, had him not knowing whether to believe some of things she said - because of the nature of employment that I was once in - it 'could have' been very true,.... needless to say, it wasn't! He DOES believe me on this point.... and immediately called me to talk it over and tell me that it had upset him.

 

He finds it very hard to trust people, he went to a public school and also finds it hard to share/talk about his feelings. He's very sensitive when it comes to his own feelings, but often seems to disregard how other people feel. When I've mentioned how hurtful he can be at times, he tells me that I mean a great deal to him and that he hates the thought of upsetting me, that he doesn't do it intentionally.

 

I have to say at this point, that I have given him a great deal of time and space, I don't invade his privacy, I don't even call him {I know his line of work... and his phone lines are busy 24/7 ... also because of who he is, he has been advised by the police dept to restrict the amount of people that have his numbers} Any contact made by telephone, is him calling me. I never ask him to.

 

Each time I try to move away from him,.... he won't let me. He doesn't want me to! If he was some kind of weirdo, I'd just delete him, but something {not only him} tells me not to.

 

I'm not some airhead bimbo, he knows this too..... and that I don't usually put up with crap from anybody, online or otherwise. I know for sure, that I'm the only female on his messenger, alongside four guys that he either works with, or is related to.

 

Do I give him one more chance {and I do mean 'one more chance'} to talk this through, or shall I just delete him without telling him I've done it, or explaining why?

 

PS:I forgot to mention, that his daughters live in a different country to him, with their mom.

[Tony T]

You really don't seem to understand.

 

You have listed numerous problems and defects of this man and this online drama. You are basically an enabler in a highly dysfunctional relational system.

 

Instead of absolutely insisting that you meet in person and give a deadline, you just keep playing stupid games back and forth like children. To an outside reading this, it looks pretty lame...no insults intended.

 

This is not a healthy situation, it's frustrating for you and it's going nowhere. Instead of whining about it here, why don't you take your own life into your own hands, declare some power over your life, and stop allowing yourself to get jerked around.

 

Instead of making all kinds of excuses for this guy, either arrange an in-person meeting in the NEXT SEVEN DAYS...yes, give him that deadline...or be out of there.

 

Right now, this whole thing is a fantasy in your mind. There is nothing real about it.

 

Get something going in real life where it's supposed to be...unless, of course, you're scared of that happening as much as he is. If that's the case, the two of you were meant for each other.

[Ally Boo]

I used to get all wrapped up in the Online Drama...it made me very miserable for a very long time. You have to realize that no one online is "really" your friend, and exactly what Tony said...they have no hearts, feelings, etc. A lot of people hide behind a computer screen bc it makes them untouchable, and thus feel powerful.

 

What you need to do is, get out of that circle...and find people who use their online time in a positive way. I found that in this site. I truely care about people, and the drama I had, was from people who obviously didn't have the same values as I have. Seperate yourself from it totally. Life WILL go on, and no matter how much you think that you are "needed" on that online activity...you really aren't.

 

So, just use your time more wisely. My boss always says...."We only have SO much energy in any given day. Use your energy wisely. When you waste it on drama, gossip and rumors....it takes up actually MORE energy than anything productive...and thus wastes even MORE time bc it usually gets on your mind and makes other tasks a little harder to do."

 

Put yourself through some online detox. I sold my computer just to help me limit my time. Bc I know...that I only have so much time I can spend online now...and I'd rather use it doing more productive things.

[ineedyourhelp]

Hi Tony...... and thank you once again for all advice

 

I knew I had to tell somebody all this, just to simply get it all off my chest and to see if somebody else could maybe see it from an angle that I haven't been able to see it from.

 

Funnily enough, I have seen it from the same angle as you, but I was stupid enough to be taken in by the 'I have things to sort first, I need to get things put right' line, off him.

 

You'll be pleased to know that after I read your reply a few hours ago, I sent him an sms and reminded him about my 'one month' notice, to which he seemed to sweep under the carpet at the time. Anyway, I've now told him, that we either meet in the next THREE weeks {I have to allow for his job taking him out of the country for up to ten days at a time} when he can prove to me that he is genuine,.... or he can DEFINITELY forget that he ever knew me and there will be no further contact whatsoever.

 

He sent one back, explaining that he's got problems with his own website {he has, I got a friend to check } and that we will 'talk soon',..... not much assurance there, but I'm not crazy enough to let him get away with fobbing me off, now that I know it's not 'me' that's being unreasonable.

 

He has THREE weeks to get his act together, or else he's history!

 

I will keep you posted on this matter, I'm not usually the type to suffer fools gladly........ honest. LOL

[Just A Girl2]

A couple things stood out from your posts.

 

I know for sure, that I'm the only female on his messenger, alongside four guys that he either works with, or is related to.

 

I'm sorry but unless you've been to his home and have seen with your own eyes, his buddy list on his messenger thingy, you have no way of knowing at all, 'for sure' that youre the only female he talks to. He may TELL you that's the case, but don't be fooled. He could have 25 other women he chats to on there, sorry to say.

 

Secondly, did I understand you correctly that he only ever phones YOU, and you don't phone him because you do not have his phone number, this stuff about the police dept (why?) telling him he shouldn't give out his number to many people? If you don't even have his phone number, you've never phoned him...and it's always ever been HIM phoning YOU, that's a huge red flag. Unless he's some undercover agent with the FBI or CIA, the whole things sounds shady to me.

 

If you don't have his # and have never been able to phone him, for all you know he's living with someone, has a girlfriend....which could explain his inability to "meet" you....or his absences online (computer problems, website problems, his sudden decision to stop going to the site you originally met on).

 

Hate to say it, too, but he could have easily met some OTHER woman from that particular site you both met on.........and he doesn't want you to know, wants to keep you 'hanging on by a thread' in case things with her don't work out (like maybe the chick who told the lies about you?!!!)...and he doesn't go back there because he doesn't want to risk word getting out that he's seeing someone else.

 

The whole thing seems really very fishy. Does he live in the same city as you do? If not, how far away does he live?

 

I see a lot of red flags here.......I'd be inclined, if I were you, to just write this guy off. Things have not gone very smoothly. You haven't even met in person and already there's been problems...not a good sign.

[ineedyourhelp]

I know for sure, that I'm the only female on his messenger, alongside four guys that he either works with, or is related to.

I 'know' this, because when he's away, he's had me check the account for him, and forward stuff to his website on a daily basis until he got back.

 

Unless he's some undercover agent with the FBI or CIA, the whole things sounds shady to me.

No, he's in aviation actually, after the Sept 11th attacks, he has to be very careful. I'm not at liberty to say why on here, I'm sure you'll understand that.

 

His absences online, yep, there's been a few. His job takes him away from home quite a bit, but the amount of time that he does spend online when he's NOT away,... no attached guy could ever manage that. I do actually know several people that know him too, and they assure me that he is definitely not in a relationship, though two of them told me that he'd been hurt badly around three years ago.

 

but he could have easily met some OTHER woman from that particular site you both met on.........and he doesn't want you to know, wants to keep you 'hanging on by a thread' in case things with her don't work out

This is something that has also gone through my mind, but I know for sure that it's definitely not the woman who mailed him with her tirade of lies about me, she's been well sussed by everybody in there now, it turns out that this isn't the first time she's done this kind of thing. Whether he's playing somebody else online, I really don't have a clue.

 

All will come clear eventually, I suppose. But, he's got THREE WEEKS, just 21 DAYS, to sort himself out,.... or else I'm gone, and his chance to meet with me will be gone forever,... I won't go back on that either.

[Ally Boo]

If you are wanting help...then just accept the answers people give you and stop trying to defend him. You asked us to analyze the situation...we are.

[ineedyourhelp]

Hi Ally,

 

 

I'm more than willing to accept the replies that are given to me, but whilst I have the facts as to why I do not have access to his landline number, then I have to accept that he isn't hiding anything by witholding it from me,..... it's just a safety thing, his hands are tied!

 

It's unfair to say that I'm 'defending him',... I can only take what is said.... and if the 'facts' differ from what is being offered to me (remember I know people that know him... and work with him) then I'd say it's only a point of me being honest,.... it would be unfair to make him look a utter a bastard, if he isn't!

 

Anyway, my 'three week deadline' seems to have provoked a response from him. I laid my cards on the table and informed that if we don't meet, then he will DEFINITELY be deleted from my AOL IM, no further calls will be received from him and that'll be the end of it all. He's now working out what days he'll be out of the country, what day he'll be back.... and when we can meet, the ball is firmly in his court......................

 

I'll keep you posted on this one, and thank you everybody for your advice xxxxxxxxxxx

[ineedyourhelp]

We finally met at the weekend.

 

It felt a bit weird for both of us at first. Having spend months on end communicating by telephone and IM, then meeting for the very first time seemed so unreal.

 

We spent around 12 hours together, which went by so fast. By the end of it, we felt as if we'd known each other for years.

 

We're meeting again this weekend, so we're both looking forward to that.

 

Whether it all works out in the long term will only become apparent with time, I'm not expecting anything too heavy with this one, just enjoying being with him, and glad that we finally met.