Insults or Jokes?

[JW]

Hi there..quick question..what does it mean when a male friend continuously makes sarcastic remarks (jokes) towards a female? I have a friend who, everytime we talk, starts making sarcastic remarks (however not rude sexual comments).. What I'm talking about is making jokes that are intended to put me down. He is a fairly nice guy overall and we get along as friends but he's always telling me that I'm not nice and this and that (which is crazy cuz if anything i'm too nice and I suspect he knows I like him). The other day he even took it a step further by making some dumb joke about how italian girls (which I am) are not that good looking. Like he was joking, but why would anyone say something like that unless they wanted to offend you. Now, to complicate things further, he is always asking me when I'm going to go out clubbing and to let him know so that we can get our friends together and hang out. It's the weirdest thing. Why would a guy want to hang out with someone they supposedly don't find attractive? I sort of liked him (although I'm getting turned off quickly with his comments). I don't know what to make of this? Is he trying to give me a hint that he doesn't like me by being "mean" this way? Or is he acting this way because he doesn't know how to express his feelings? I feel like he's trying to put me in my place. Anybody have an idea?

[Tony T]

In this particular case, I do believe these jokes are an indication of his nervousness around you and not knowing exactly how to impress you. He probably thinks you are finding these jokes amusing and entertaining.

 

I don't think he means to insult or hurt you at all. But he does need to be told that you are offended. At your soonest opportunity and in a kind and discrete way, tell him that you don't care for these put-down jokes...give him the example about the one about Italians (and other examples, if you like). Tell him he'll get a lot further with the ladies if he ceases. Don't dwell on the subject, just tell him how you feel and go on to another subject.

 

Thereafter, whenever he starts one of these offensive jokes, stop him in his tracks and let him know, again, that they are NOT acceptable.

 

He needs to learn alternative ways of trying to impress girls...such as being polite and just having normal conversations.

 

Until somebody like you tells him, he's likely to think he's about the funniest guy in town. Hearing from you that he isn't is likely to throw him into a tailspin but that's what he needs at this juncture and, lucky you, you are the best person to give him that now.

[JW]

Ok Tony, thanks for your response..if you're still around, maybe you can answer this for me. I've heard quite a bit that men who make sarcastic comments towards females are trying to show them they are not interested. He also tells me how maybe he'll call me if I'm lucky. Furthermore, he jokes about how I'm lucky his sister didn't throw out my number as she does with the many other girls phone numbers he gets. Now, to me, that seemed like a blunt way of saying "I don't like you in that way". Do you agree?

[Tony T]

If he is actually saying these cruel things because he's not interested in you, he's either extremely rude or extremely sick. There are many more suitable ways of expressing disinterest.

 

I wouldn't have anything more to do with him if I were you. He's hasn't got an ounce of class as far as I'm concerned.

[Ally Boo]

That might be a sick way of him flirting. I know in some families, joking like that is a way you show affection....but sometimes people don't know how to protray the joke right, or know when to quit. As insane as it sounds, I think he likes you.

 

Like in elementary school, the guys would pull your hair and put bugs on you...that's a mean thing to do, but if they didn't like you, they wouldn't have given you attention. Maybe he just has the mentality of a 6 year old.

[JW]

Ok..if you read my last post titled Insults or Jokes, then this is just an update. I'm friends with this guy, although I sort of like him more than friends, and he is always saying rude comments to me that imply that he does not think highly of me. I've always taken his comments in stride simply because I do have a good sense of humour and don't like to overeact to what people say..I'll just "joke" right back at them so to speak. I honestly couldn't figure out why this guy kept saying this stuff..obviously I can't provide details of all his comments on this forum but the best way I can classify them is as sarcastic remarks meant to "jokingly" disrespect me. To complicate matters worse, he actually was a nice decent guy (why I initially started talking to him). The only answer I came up with is that he suspected I like him and maybe was subtly trying to "turn me off" with his rude behaviour routine.

 

Now, last night we ended up both on MSN at the same time. I had spoken to him once last week on the phone and a couple times this week on the computer. For some reason, yesterday I felt like I had had enough. He didnt really even say anything in particular but I just began to question why I was continuing to associate with somebody who didn't seem to be fond of me and put me down. In turn, all this frustration sort of came out on the computer. I tried to be tactful about it but then his reaction started turning it into an argument. He kept defending himself, saying that I was overly sensitive and that he's always nice to me, etc. He said that if he didn't like talking to me he wouldn't spend his time on MSN with me or on the phone that one time. He basically made me feel like I was pullng this stuff out of my ass. He made me feel like an overeactor who didn't have a sense of humour. I brought up the example I provided in my last post (the one about Italian girls not being pretty) and he justified it saying that he has dated 4 such girls all his life and they were all quite pretty. I just told him that it seemed like he was trying to give me a message with his sarcastic jokes. He denies doing this. Basically, he never really apologized and he was on the defence. As a result, I felt like a nag and like someone who had over analyzed the situation and was being irrational. I didn't mean to burn any bridges but I think it looks like thats what happened. We honestly don't know each other well enough to be fighting like this.

 

I don't understand, no other guy has ever been like this with me, friend or not. I remember Tony had responded to my original post, which offered good advice. I think I did the right thing by telling him how it is but how come I feel like the bad one now?

[Tony T]

Why the hell does everybody think they can resolve serious issues like this, which actually occur in real life, on the computer. Doesn't anybody out there realize there is more than just a CYBER world???

 

This is something which clearly should have been discussed in person. It is very, very simple for people to say and do a lot of strange stuff on IMS, message boards and email that they wouldn't say or do in person. It is totally impossible to hear inflections of voice or see facial expressions on a computer.

 

I am in total and complete disbelief that you would have addressed this issue on a computer. The most terrible thing about communicating via computer is how EXTREMELY easily it is to develop misunderstandings.

 

Just forget the entire episode. Try to get an appointment with this dude so you can talk to him IN PERSON, IN THE FLESH and discuss this the way people have the last five million years.

 

And never, ever put people on the defensive.

 

This is what you say: "I know you have a great sense of humor and you enjoy being playful with people. But it hurts me and doesn't make me feel good at all when you constantly put me down in a joking fashion. I understand your intentions are good but these jokes still hurt me. As a special favor, could you please find another person to direct these jokes to and not direct them at me anymore. I would really appreciate that."

 

After that, if he continues to do so then he has no respect for you so you can tell him to go screw himself and stay away from him.

 

But have this talk in person and NOT on a computer.

 

Whewwwwwwwww!!! Even this cybersex stuff. I will never understand how people can do that crap. Can you imagine...having sex on a computer? Unfortunately, my drive will never get hard enough to get pleasure out of that.

 

I'm sorry to rant here. It just bothers the hell out of me how computers are so great in some ways...and in other ways they have taken away so much of our humanity.

[JW]

I know. It wasnt meant to escalate to that point but it happened. Honestly, I never see this guy, he lives far so we only usually talk via MSN. I realize I addressed a delicate issue over the computer and for that I take full responsibility. But any thoughts on his reactions towards what I said? Is he a lost cause?