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not ready yet...


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I have a question for you all. I have been very close friends with this girl for about 4 years now. She is 26 and I am 30. Our friendship is unreal--we are very close and feel a connection to one another-- all that stuff. Well, in April of this year (2002) we started to date each other.

 

I had been into her for a while, but she was dating someone else for almost 2 years. Months after they broke up, we started to date. I am looking for a serious, committed relationship with this girl. She has always be up front with me and told me that she was not ready right now for that.

 

She says that she has always been involved with serious relationships and she wants this time now to go out and date people and not have it be a serious thing. I understand this need or want, and I try and not take it personal because I don't think it is about me exactly.

 

But, she says that when she thinks of me she thinks about forever and of love, but she is not at a place in her life where she can be in that type of relationship. She says that she wants to be with me in a serious and committed relationship, but not right now.

 

I do, somewhat, understand this; but I also want some advice from you all. I truly believe that she and I have something special between us, but my ego and emotions sometime tell me that if she is not ready now then she'll never be. But why should I fault her for not being able to move at the same pace as myself. Her reality and life experience is different from mine, and I feel I need to respect that. But I don't want to respect that at the cost of me being stupid...

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When a lady wants to date a guy, she does!!! When a lady flips over a guy, she flips!!!

 

This lady is an excellent politician and has used all the really sweet words to get out of the jam of having to tell you she just ins't interested in a long term relationship with you. She is wanting to date around because she is looking for something she hasn't found yet...or she hasn't gotten over her ex and is hoping, on some level, he'll come back to her.

 

If she is wanting to finally get out of serious relationships and date around, that means she simply doesn't want to date you exclusively...and probably not ever. If she was really crazy about you she wouldn't pass up the opportunity regardless.

 

That doesn't mean that maybe somewhere in time she may fall for your but the chances are slim. You owe it to yourself to be around a lady who is really enthusiastic about dating you...if it's an exclusive thing you want.

 

If there was anything special going on between the two of you, she would be wanting to see you in a big way and wouldn't be giving you all this goggledegook.

 

Take your ego, smash it, and get out of dodge. This lady is not into you at all as far as the future is concerned.

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tony states that this type of situation may work out in the future.... but i've never heard of this working out for anyone.

 

is there someone who can post a story where they eventually ended up with a person after being in this situation?

 

i think tony is right otherwise..... this is the classic story of a girl jerking around a guy. i've been here a few times myself and it's never worked out for me. i've only experienced more pain and suffering the harder i tried to hold on.

 

i know how hard it is to let go. i also know that reading about people telling you to let go doesn't help much either. but think about yourself first. be careful of your heart and don't let this permanently damage it.

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If you will read my post again, you should get the very clear impression I don't feel this will work out.

 

After you've gone to college for seven years and been a part of the newspaper and television news media for sometime, you learn that almost anything is "possible"...just not very likely. One of my oddest stories was writing of a chimpanzee who was ticketed on a local expressway for speeding and not having a driver's license. (The chimp was released because there was no law on the books at the time requiring animals to have driver's licenses.)

 

In time, you will find its much better to leave an opening for possibilities in your assertions because the world is complex...and, especially in romance, you just never...ever know. You will also realize that on these message boards, posters often leave out relevant information which could take a situation either way and sometimes even radically change our advice. I suppose they do that sometimes on purpose.

 

"My mama always used to say...Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." - Forrest Gump, 1995

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HokeyReligions

I think that it is great she is honest and up front with you and is also thinking about herself and her needs. If she's not ready right now it could mean a lot of things. When I first read your post my initial thought was that she wants to eventually settle down, but in order to be ready she wants to make sure she will have no regrets later on and will be able to handle the stresses and challenges of marriage/long term relationships. Twenty years down the road she won't be thinking "gee, I should have dated more, I feel like I've missed out on some experiences that would have been good for me"

 

I don't take it as she doesn't love you or care about you, but that she's being fair to herself and to you by knowing herself and waiting until she is ready.

 

I say give her some time and enjoy the relationship you two do have. Re-evaluate the situation and your feelings again in a couple of months. Talk to her then and see if her feelings or outlook have changed and if she is still not ready to make a commitment to you and if you don't want to wait for her, don't.

 

I don't know of many couples who fall in love at exactly the same time. I fell for my husband well before he fell for me.

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sorry if i sounded argumentative tony... i didn't mean to. i think what you just wrote is spot on. you're right that anything can happen.... in this situation, i guess it'd be like winning the lottery.... powerball!

 

i guess we're still waiting for someone to write and say this situation worked out for them. maybe it'll be dialated.... i hope so.

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HR: Thanks for you input, and you also Tony. For my situation I think that you both have some good advice and points. Each day, or each hour even, I feel differently about this girl and the situation we are in. UGH!

 

This situation began about a month ago. A part of me feels and believes that if we were both content with moving on we would have by now. But why don't we?

 

I agree with a lot of what Hokey wrote. What you wrote is exactly the attitude that this girl is trying to impress onto me.

She has told me exactly what your interpertaion was.

 

My problem is with the waiting for her part--I am not sure what that means, or how to do it without loosing what we do have (had.) I agree that people do not have to fall in love at the same time nor in the same way. And there are many reasons why my love for her is more developed/realized than her's is right now.

 

I think I can wait for her, with the understanding that who knows what that space and time will bring. I am the type to jump in (too) suddenly and I can see how that would cause her to pause--even if just to make sure.

 

I don't know how to personally (not to or with her) come to terms with the purely selfish anger/jealousy, or whatever about her wanting to date. I do understand her need to "make sure". She has always been in serious relationships and is now looking to simply 'date' for a bit. I would rather this now than in 2 or 5 years...but how do I interpert that now?

 

I had a lot more I wanted to write, but my mind is kind of stuck..thanks

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