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Am I Screwed? (No, but I'd like to be!)


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Hey, cool site -- I'm new!

 

I recently ended a three-year relationship that was causing both me and my gf a lot of misery and pain. It's been about a month, but what a wonderful month it's been!

 

Putting that aside for the moment, I've been giving a lot of thought to 'friends with benefits' -- I'm surrounded by attractive women who are all friends, and, having been off the market so long, am very horny, which I suppose is not a good combination. :)

 

Anyway, after extensive research online, I'm reading that the whole FWB concept is flawed and a bad idea. Nevertheless, I think I'm mature (or is that immature) enough to handle it, and I'm still interested in it. I do not want a relationship now or anywhere in the near future, but, well, I still am human, and still have urges!

 

My question is twofold: 1. Are there really women out there who would (seriously, not theoretically) be interested in FWB arrangements?, and 2. Can I do this with the right friend and not end up destroying a good friendship?

 

Certainly, because of having just got out of a long-term relationship, I don't think I should be doing *anything* for a while with anyone. But once that's over, what do I do?

 

vendaz

 

Editor's Note: The thread FWB was split from this thread of conversation.

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Certainly there are women out there who are interested in FWB situations. However, the trick is that they have to NOT be interested in you for a long term boyfriend. If they are interested in you for anything beyond sex, forget about it. You will end up in a Big Mess. So, how do you find this girl? Find a girl who is looking for a guy who is The Opposite of You. Be very up front about what you are looking for. (i.e. no phone calls, no cuddling, no dates, etc. Strictly sex.)

 

If you do this with a friend, you definitely run the risk of destroying the friendship. After all, you are friends because you like each other and have things in common. Unless your friend views you as a "guy who is great to have as a friend who I would never want to date" you have to forget it. And you have to lay out ground rules from the beginning. (i.e. she is allowed to date other guys and you won't be pissed, the same for you with other girls, etc.)

 

This can work. I've been there, done that. The trick is that you absolutely cannot do it with someone who has the chance of falling for you, or you for them. It has to be strictly sex. No dating, phone calls, deep conversations, intimate moments, etc....

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Clia,

 

Thank you for a reasoned response! I think it all comes down to, there are no guarantees in life -- and asking for a friend to become a FWB involves a good deal of risk.

 

I can tell you, I would be absolutely willing to try it (I could certainly use the excitement), but I do worry about losing friends. My problem is (if you'll pardon this) that I want to have my friend and eat her, too. :rolleyes:

 

My problem is, I'm a relatively nerdy, shy person. I have lots of women as friends, and even a couple whom I speculate may be interested in me. But again, I'm just coming out of a fog (from my past relationship) that has got to clolud my perceptions toward everything. And, again, I'm a horny 24-year-old male!

 

I'm glad to hear that you've been on the other side of that fence -- I was starting to feel cheated that everyone has fantasies or talks about this kind of thing, but that it never works in the real world.

 

Originally posted by clia

Certainly there are women out there who are interested in FWB situations. However, the trick is that they have to NOT be interested in you for a long term boyfriend. If they are interested in you for anything beyond sex, forget about it. You will end up in a Big Mess. So, how do you find this girl? Find a girl who is looking for a guy who is The Opposite of You. Be very up front about what you are looking for. (i.e. no phone calls, no cuddling, no dates, etc. Strictly sex.)

 

If you do this with a friend, you definitely run the risk of destroying the friendship. After all, you are friends because you like each other and have things in common. Unless your friend views you as a "guy who is great to have as a friend who I would never want to date" you have to forget it. And you have to lay out ground rules from the beginning. (i.e. she is allowed to date other guys and you won't be pissed, the same for you with other girls, etc.)

 

This can work. I've been there, done that. The trick is that you absolutely cannot do it with someone who has the chance of falling for you, or you for them. It has to be strictly sex. No dating, phone calls, deep conversations, intimate moments, etc....

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Two very mature people can have a FWB with few problems, even if they have feelings for each other. Sane people have control over how they feel and they are in touch with reality. You never know which way feelings may swing. If two people have no feelings for each other whatsoever, feelings can develop on the part of one or the other or both over time...you just have to control it.

 

I will go so far as to say that friendships with benefits can be more fulfilling emotionally and otherwise than other goofy romantic illusion-type relationships. Two friends can love each other in a more deep, real way and those can last a lot longer.

 

The kind of FWB you seek is the type that either lands in your lap or evolves over time. You don't just set out to find one. If you do, I promise you somebody's going to get hurt.

 

As long as you are totally honest with people, you can live your life with FWBs. I don't think this should be your goal, however. Either it happens or it doesn't.

 

I am very sorry that you see relationships with women, in part, as an avenue to seek sexual relief. Masturbation is preferable. Your sexual objectification of women is likely to get you into relationship trouble all the days of your life. Females do not exist as a receptacle for your penis. They are feeling human beings. That's why I have a bit of a problem with you setting out with the goal of finding an FWB. I just don't think one will work unless it happens in the normal course of your life.

 

Of course, if you find a horny lady who just wants you for your penis and you just want her for sex, knock yourself out. And please let us know just how you went about finding this person.

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the FWB is also great in theory.

 

the reality is that people come to the table with feelings. they may not think that they have feelings, but they do sneak out.

 

i've tried this scenario a few times and it never worked out. i can't say i lost good friends, because the sexual charge was there from the beginning, but it was fine while it lasted. one FWB went on for 2 years on and off (it cycled like every 3 months).

 

i think that for sexual relief, think about masturbation. it's quick, it's easy and nobody gets hurt.

 

just because you think you are shy and nerdy, doesn't mean that you couldn't have a grand old time with a FWB. only you know what you need.

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I have to admit that I don't believe in the FWB thing much either. Sex is very powerful and tied into the deepest parts of our bodies, brains and psyches. There's way too much possible trouble emotionally and health risk wise for just a few minutes of pleasure. You just got out of a long term relationship and this is not a good time to already be thinking about this. Get some magazines and movies to help release that tension.

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