friends WITHOUT benefits?

[tkgirl]

Just wondering if anyone here has been in a similar situation: I've been doing this "friends with benefits" thing with this one guy for... way too long! Anyways, for while I was always hoping that it would turn into more of a "real" relationship. And sometimes it seemed like it was, but then something would happen and I would end up being disappointed (I've posted here a few times about different events that occured with this guy)

 

What usually would happen was that I'd be hurt, eventually got over it and then end up "settling" for the FWB thing again (I don't recommend this!) Well, with the help of a good therapist and medication (sorta funny but true!) I finally feel like I deserve better and really want to look elsewhere now... realizing this guy is not my true love.

 

Okay, so here's the thing: I would like to maintain a friendship with this guy, for one thing we work together and I will have to continue seeing him anyways etc. But also we have similar interests and enjoy doing things together. Anyways, we made plans a while back to go to a concert this weekend about 5 hours away. We are leaving tomorrow night - we'll drive a ways, then camp out for the night, go surfing the next morning then go to the concert. Sounds like fun, right? Well... I'm a little worried about the camping out for a night thing. I haven't yet made it clear to him that I no longer want to do the FWB thing anymore - I know, big mistake! It just hasn't come up for us, instead I've just been doing the avoiding thing. But now I realize I can no longer do that - especially with the over-night thing tomorrow night!

 

I wish I could say that I'm strong enough now deal with it, but I don't think I am. I do have an appointment with my therapist today and I plan on asking her advice. But also I was real curious to see if anyone here has been through something like this and how you handled it, etc. Any input or advice would be great! Thanks!

[Tony T]

The basic premise of a friendship with benefits arrangement is that it is mutually agreed upon and the parties agree and consent to the fact that it is a fulfilling friendship where sex is involved and there are no strings attached whatsoever. Very often, these FWB's are conducted without there ever being an official agreement...it is just sort of silently understood.

 

Yours may have started out as a FWB situation but you developed feelings for this guy at some point...or at least a desire for it to evolve into more. At that very point, it ceased to be a FWB and began to be a hurting event for you. It was your obligation to yourself and your responsibility to the partnership to announce you no longer wanted to participate and, moreover, wished that it would rise to a higher level.

 

As far as this entire deal is concerned, you don't need to spend big bucks on a therapist to advise you to talk to this guy and let him know, straightforward, that you do not desire this arrangement any longer and you will not participate.

 

He obviously doesn't care to take it to another level and he is not obligated to. However, there is an outside chance he could change his mind but you will never know his sincerity because his basic reason could just be the sex thing.

 

As far as the concert, unless you feel you might die without seeing this particular group, just give him the tickets and let him take someone else. This guy is NOT your friend, he sounds like more of a sexual partner. If he was your friend, you would have absolutely no problem whatsoever discussing this issue with him and resolving it. It will be a very awkward situation to share a room with him, even a bit hypocritical. Even separate rooms sounds sort of goofie given the nature of your relationship with him.

 

To spend money on a therapist to help you learn to communicate with a friend is a sad thing to have to do. That is why I feel certain you do not have a real friendship here. His loss will be no big deal, except you may have to look for orgasms somewhere else.

 

You can try to establish a more traditional friendship but my guess is you've already given away the store and your guy will pursue another FWB elsewhere. But give it a try. If you don't feel comfortable enough having a talk with him, not only do you not make good friends but you could not have a good relationship with him.

 

You will never have a healthy relationship with anyone until you learn to express your feelings. If you fall for someone, let them know. And if you no longer want to screw somebody, instead of avoiding the issue, JUST SAY NO!!!

[butterflyz]

don't go to the concert. lay it on the line, in a very nice way. just say this arrangement doesn't suit your needs anymore and you are looking for more in life.

 

don't try to stay friends to go to the concert or have someone to do things with, that's using him.

[tkgirl]

But you were right, Tony. We aren't FWB - I guess I was just trying to make it into some real thing by putting a "label" on it. It has caused me a lot of confusion because we are friends and do have a good time together (without the sex part) But when I DO end up sleeping with him, I start to develope deeper feelings - but I have never been able to express this to him. I just pretend that I'm cool with the whole casual thing, when deep down I'm not. Very painful for sure! But this whole deal is not the reason I see a therapist - which my insurance happens to cover and I don't have to pay one cent for! There's a lot of other things in my life that I'm trying to sort through. Anyways, I appreciate your insight Tony (and butterflyz!) I did end up going to the concert with him, since I didn't want to cancel on him at the last minute. I'd like to say that I was able to talk with him... but I did not and we ended up sleeping together... again. It's a long road ahead I think!