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In Love With Best Friend? What To Do?


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I've known my best friend for about eight years now. We met in our junior year of high school. It was one of those things where I didn't think of her as nothing more than a friend until we opened up to each other about our lives and the like. Little by little, I found myself missing her when we were apart and caring for her more and more.

 

Since then, we've been through it all, as far as platonic relationships go. I've told her how I feel about her, but she can never believe that a guy can like her in that way. She suffers from clinical depression and that has affected our friendship a great deal. There are times that she withdraws completely from me, after periods of intense closeness. I understand why she goes through this, but it still sucks when she's not around.

 

I suffer from depression, as well, but fortunately I've managed to get it under control, thanks to therapy. She has more guy friends than girls. In the past, that bothered me, but now I just accept it. I don't plan on becoming drinking buddies with them, but I can live with the fact that these are special people to her.

 

I always try to make her feel like she's the best girl on the planet. Little things like telling her she looks great or getting her flowers. I try to show her I care as often as I can. We've talked about our feelings for each other and we never rule out the possibility of us getting together one day. But it does hurt that I have to hold back my feelings for her because I don't know if she'd handle it well.

 

I do admit that I do get a little down when I ask her out and she says we're on and then she flakes out at the last second. But what can I do??? I don't want to tell her that sometimes she hurts me and then risk her getting all bummed out. I really do love her, but sometimes I don't know what to do. Sometimes, when she goes through one of her mood swings and shuts me out, I think, "well, I won't call her ... that way, she'll wonder why I haven't called and she'll end up calling me" but I just can't do that. I really do miss her.

 

I know it's easier to just find someone else to show my affections to, but I happen to thing she's worth the drama. I have tried doing this, but no one really measures up to her. I want to be honest with her, without having to get her upset. I don't know if this is making sense, but I guess I just need to let it out.

 

Has anyone been through something like this??? If so, can you give me some of your insight. Thanks a million.

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Depressed or not, she deserves to hear the truth from her loved ones -- we all do. Otherwise the relationship you value so much is inauthentic, which is demeaning to both parties. Think about it: by sheltering her from some well-deserved criticism, you are effectively saying, "I don't think you can handle the truth, which is a pretty benign truth all things told, but I think you're such a basket case that even that might send you over the brink." You might have very good reasons for thinking that it might greatly upset her -- past experience, perhaps? -- but you've got to let her decide if she's going to repeat her past. Your forbearance can't be what's holding her in check: that's not fair to you or her. If she's a reasonably intelligent person, she knows that her flakiness is a flaw, she knows that she imposes on people, and she knows she could be doing better. But as long as people don't expect more from her, she won't change.

 

One of my best friends is a super-flake. I've dealt with her ups and downs, her unreliability, etc., for a long long time. She has redeeming qualities, as you say your friend does. And I do let a lot slide with her that I wouldn't tolerate from someone else. But there are times when I have to let her know that I'm annoyed or disappointed with her about something. It sounds like you're afraid to that with your friend -- is that because you feel that one of the conditions of your friendship is that you silently tolerate all of her nonsense? If so, that is not a friendship.

 

Either way, you ought to be honest with her. Doesn't mean you have to rip into her with criticism, but you can't remain silent. If she flips out, that's her decision. If she gets really angry with you and withdraws from the friendship, that too is her decision. Silencing yourself to serve a relationship is a bad idea, and it doesn't speak well of the relationship that requires you to do so. Your resentment will grow and you will eventually become unable to be her friend at all.

 

You indicate that you're in love with this girl. I doubt that things would be any better if you two were romantically involved. In fact they would probably be much worse. She sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do. If she's draining you this much as a friend, what toll would she take on you as a girlfriend? She wouldn't give up her other guy friends, she wouldn't suddenly become reliable and steadfast. It sounds to me like you've got a very self-centered person on your hands. She might be depressed, but that's no excuse for taking people for granted and being selfish. Which is what it sounds like she does to you. That wouldn't change if you became her boyfriend. Why would you want to take on someone like that? You're not her doormat.

 

You can still be her friend, but I'd advise that you find yourself some new friends who have nothing to do with her or her circle. Give yourself some other outlets, other perspectives. Then her mood swings won't have such an impact on you. And if she understands that you're not always at her beck and call, perhaps she'll stop taking you for granted all the time.

I know it's easier to just find someone else to show my affections to, but I happen to thing she's worth the drama. I have tried doing this, but no one really measures up to her. I want to be honest with her, without having to get her upset. I don't know if this is making sense, but I guess I just need to let it out. Has anyone been through something like this??? If so, can you give me some of your insight. Thanks a million.
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Thanks for the advice, midori:) I'm not used to telling her she brings me down emotionally with her actions, but it's clear that's the only way to be a true friend ... by being honest with her. The rest, as they say, is out of my hands. Thanks again.

Depressed or not, she deserves to hear the truth from her loved ones -- we all do. Otherwise the relationship you value so much is inauthentic, which is demeaning to both parties. Think about it: by sheltering her from some well-deserved criticism, you are effectively saying, "I don't think you can handle the truth, which is a pretty benign truth all things told, but I think you're such a basket case that even that might send you over the brink." You might have very good reasons for thinking that it might greatly upset her -- past experience, perhaps? -- but you've got to let her decide if she's going to repeat her past. Your forbearance can't be what's holding her in check: that's not fair to you or her. If she's a reasonably intelligent person, she knows that her flakiness is a flaw, she knows that she imposes on people, and she knows she could be doing better. But as long as people don't expect more from her, she won't change. One of my best friends is a super-flake. I've dealt with her ups and downs, her unreliability, etc., for a long long time. She has redeeming qualities, as you say your friend does. And I do let a lot slide with her that I wouldn't tolerate from someone else. But there are times when I have to let her know that I'm annoyed or disappointed with her about something. It sounds like you're afraid to that with your friend -- is that because you feel that one of the conditions of your friendship is that you silently tolerate all of her nonsense? If so, that is not a friendship. Either way, you ought to be honest with her. Doesn't mean you have to rip into her with criticism, but you can't remain silent. If she flips out, that's her decision. If she gets really angry with you and withdraws from the friendship, that too is her decision. Silencing yourself to serve a relationship is a bad idea, and it doesn't speak well of the relationship that requires you to do so. Your resentment will grow and you will eventually become unable to be her friend at all.

 

You indicate that you're in love with this girl. I doubt that things would be any better if you two were romantically involved. In fact they would probably be much worse. She sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do. If she's draining you this much as a friend, what toll would she take on you as a girlfriend? She wouldn't give up her other guy friends, she wouldn't suddenly become reliable and steadfast. It sounds to me like you've got a very self-centered person on your hands. She might be depressed, but that's no excuse for taking people for granted and being selfish. Which is what it sounds like she does to you. That wouldn't change if you became her boyfriend. Why would you want to take on someone like that? You're not her doormat. You can still be her friend, but I'd advise that you find yourself some new friends who have nothing to do with her or her circle. Give yourself some other outlets, other perspectives. Then her mood swings won't have such an impact on you. And if she understands that you're not always at her beck and call, perhaps she'll stop taking you for granted all the time.

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I too fell in love with a high school friend ten years after we met.

There was never a two day period where drama would be smack in the middle. I too, believed that it was worth it. He would always flake out on last minute dates, and after he told me he loved me I wouldnt hear from him for days. If I did he was rude. But we still have a close bond at heart, but we could not continue our intimate r/s.

 

People like my ex, and your g/f will not change over night. It may take many many years or decades for them to snap out of the weird depression they are in most of the time.

 

Just take all the loving you can get now, because eventually you will grow more and more tierd of the crap!

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With all the great and effective medications available for the treatment of clinical depression, there's no reason for this lady to be in the mental state she's in.

 

There are many aniti-depressants to choose from as well and one will surely work in her case.

 

You will never win with her until she gets her act together. Ask her if she'd like to go on a trip with you...and trip to a good doctor who will write a prescription and monitor her on the way to a positive and stable state of mind. That transformation shouldn't take more than a few weeks to a month. You'll be amazed!

 

Of course, when she feels better she may go for some other guy. Who knows? But you've got to resolve this so you can move forward. Hanging in there with hopes of getting with someone who suffers from depression most of the time is not wise.

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Originally posted by Tony

With all the great and effective medications available for the treatment of clinical depression, there's no reason for this lady to be in the mental state she's in.

 

There are many aniti-depressants to choose from as well and one will surely work in her case.

 

You will never win with her until she gets her act together. Ask her if she'd like to go on a trip with you...and trip to a good doctor who will write a prescription and monitor her on the way to a positive and stable state of mind. That transformation shouldn't take more than a few weeks to a month. You'll be amazed!

 

Of course, when she feels better she may go for some other guy. Who knows? But you've got to resolve this so you can move forward. Hanging in there with hopes of getting with someone who suffers from depression most of the time is not wise.

 

I have a mild case of depression and I think that what your suggesting could be a dangerous move. People with depression can be very tricky. I know from personal experiance that you can go from being one of the happiest people around to suddenly being in tears about something in a matter of minutes. Believe me, it happend to me on halloween at a party.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't try to help her, just make sure that she's ok with it. Don't force a prescription on to some one. When I was diagnost with depression I chose not to go on Prozac, and I've never regretted it since. It has been much better for me to work through my own preoblems rather than just poping a pill having it make me all warm and fuzzy. Trust me, if you and her can work together to make her feel better it will be much more rewarding for her and you. Bottom line is that if you really love her, you'll take her as she is and help her deal with it rather then just get her some meds that will make her happy all the time.

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Smileysam clearly stated in his post that his lady friend suffers from clinical depression, which is very treatable with the right medications.

 

You are correct in what you say about medicines but a qualified medical doctor can administer the correct medication that can make a world of difference in a person's life.

 

If you or a friend of yours has a problem with going from one mood to another very quickly, there may be another type of serious problem that should be attended to by a physician. Anytime you encounter someone who behaves like this, recommend they see a doctor. Clearly, with the kind of help available today there is no reason a person should live this way.

 

Qualified medical doctors know what they are doing and can be trusted to properly manage these types of medications.

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I was never tring to suggest that qualified doctors shouldn't be trusted. I'm also not saying that the medications availible don't help. I'm just trying to say, as some one who has a case of depression, that most people don't understand depression. And its not that they don't undersand the dissease but they don't understand the affects it has on people. I'd be willing to bet that smileysam could take the worst mood his firend has ever been in and multiply it by ten and that would be how she really felt inside. Most people I know who have depression, me included, don't like to wear it like a badge. They try to keep it to them selves, and all they really want is some one to open up to, some one who will listen and try to help them even if they don't understand it. I know this is what I yern for when sink into depression. This is what I want but it seems that most people who don't understand just want to through the medications at people so they don't have to deal with it. One final note...I'm not tring to imply that this is what all depressed people want...I'm just giving my personal views/feelings on it. For some people the medications are the way to go, maybe its that way with this case. If its bad enough or the person just can't deal with it then I support them taking the anti-depressents.

 

well....I'm done ranting for now.

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Your post suggests that everybody who suffers depression has reactive depression. It also suggests many people don't know much about depression. But I do know a little about it so please let me explain.

 

Smileysam wrote in the original post: "She suffers from clinical depression and that has affected our friendship a great deal."

 

He said she suffers from clinical depression. Clinical depression results from a biochemical imbalance in the brain that is best treated with anti-depressants or a combination of counselling and medication. Most often the person is depressed when no external events have triggered it and there is seemingly no reason for it.

 

A person with clinical depression cannot easily hide this depression and they may go through periods of total withdrawal, not even knowing why they are doing it...not understanding at all. Someone needs to tell them they need medical attention.

 

The other kind, I think the one you speak of mostly in your post above, is reactive depression. Reactive depression results when people who have no chemical imbalance in their brain react to life's various disappointments with bouts of temporary depression...situations such as a break up with a partner, a debilitating injury or illness, the death of a loved one, etc.

 

Reactive depression can make a person feel awful but the only way to get rid of it is to go through the pain or loss, process it, and let time heal.

 

Clinical depression doesn't usually go away permanently without medical intervention. The causes of clinical depression are believed to be mostly genetic although long bouts of reactive depression can agitate the brain's chemistry over time and probably evolve into a more clinical type of depression.

 

Use a good search engine to get more details on the two kinds of depression.

 

Enough said. God Bless You!

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Maybe I wasn't as clear cut as I tought I was being. I wasn't talking about reactive depression. My depression is clinical, it is just not a sever case like it is in this case. I was also never trying to play my slef as an expert in depression. If you reread my post I think I said that my prefered way of dealing with my depression wont or can't work for some people. I'm not tring to prove you wrong...this is just what I think and I do believe that you're tring to convince me that I don't know any thing about depression.

 

As one final note...from what I've learned about depression (clinicla not reactive), it will never go away even with medication. The chemical imbalance will always be there. The madication just helps you produce the chemicals so they balance. If you stop taking the medication then gradualy the imbalance will build up again and you'll be right back at the begining.

 

I don't want you to think I'm a jerk...but I also don't want you to dicount my advice just becasue it is in direct opposition with yours.

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Before anybody, including yourself, resolves themselves to living an entire lifetime depressed or with many depressive episodes, I would hope at least they would see a doctor.

 

Living an entire life on anti-depressants that are life-changing for the better is not bad, in my opinion. Some very famous people, such as Mike Wallace of CBS' "60 minutes", have attested to the dramatic improvement in their lives once they were diagnosed with and began medication for depression.

 

However, I do respect your desire to live as you wish. But I hope all people who come to this board who suffer from clinical depression or who know others who have it will get help before it evolves into a worse condition that could eventually drive them to poverty, reclusiveness, agoraphobia, suicide or other dramatic consequences.

 

There is just so much help out there for both kinds of depression it just doesn't make sense to just cope with it alone when it becomes serious and life-altering.

 

No response necessary.

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