Uncontrollabe feelings... do I need professional help?

[Mara]

I am in a happy relationship now but do need the advice of anybody willing ot help:

 

In the past I had mostly not very good experiences with men and I was hurt quite often. I did not feel that I could trust anybody anymore and I certainly wanted no more relationships - just be left alone.

 

But over a year ago a guy I already knew for some time told me that he had feelings for me and wanted to go out. I never promised him anything but I agreed to just spend a little time with him once in a while. I never wanted it but I couldn't help falling in love with him more deeply then I ever had before in my life. I just could not let him leave my life so we got together and I was and still am absolutely happy with him. He loves me deeply and just the way I am with all my faults and I do trust him comepletly. I never could hurt him and he means the world to me. But more and more I have the feeling that I might not be able to go through with it. I am so afraid that one day I will hurt him. I feel I was born a loner and that I was just not made to life in a relationship for the rest of my life. I do feel that I don't love him the way he deserves to be loved, that I don't love him enough. I am so afreaid that one day I wont be able to control it anymore and will betray him - not because I want to but because I might not help it. Half a year ago he asked if we should get engaged and I was so happy - I still am, I couldn't say no. But I do feel that I am unfair to him and that if I would do the right thing I would break up with him so that he can have the partner he deserves. I once talked about it with him but he was so hurt and lost - I could not do it again. I do not know what to do - do I need professional help - or is there anybody out there that has the same feelings?

[midori]

I was on the receiving end of the kind of confusion you describe. It's better to deal with it because it will trip you up sooner or later, and will cause him greater hurt the longer you wait. It does sound like you've got some deep-seated issues that are sabotaging your happiness. If everything's all right with the relationship but you're uneasy, then there's something else there, something you're not seeing. Going into therapy is usually very helpful for the kind of nebulous doubts you describe. Doesn't mean you'll have to go for years, doesn't mean there's some awful secret buried that you'll have to unearth. But whatever it is, the best way to get to it is through structured & critical self-examination -- which is what therapy facilitates.

 

Whatever you do, talk to your boyfriend. Don't keep him in the dark -- ignorance is not bliss if the person you love is contemplating ending the relationship. Obviously you don't want to subject him to every half-formed thought or worry that passes through your head. But give him an idea of the general lay of the land. Tell him where you are, where you'd like to be, and how you're going to try to get there. He deserves to know, to have the opportunity to support you or to remove himself from the scene.

 

Please try to get some counseling. Love ought to be a wonderful thing, and if a relationship that's as good as your description is making you unhappy, then you should figure out what issues you have with love, intimacy & the vulnerability that inevitably accompanies them.

[velvet]

You were hurt by men in the past, so now you believe your r/s is destined to fail because you fear of losing a good thing. You cant find anything in him that puts a threat on your r/s now, so you turn to ask if you can trust yourself.

 

You said you feel like you couldnt hurt him. Nobody wants to hurt their partners! So I wouldnt go looking years down the road wondering what will happen that will end it.

 

You enjoy each other while you have got him and if things change down the road, thats just finding your way to the next step in life.

 

On the other hand you seem as though you are confused over being a loner and sharing your life with someone. And after being hurt from men in the past you wanted to be alone. Well how long were you alone? Some people prefer to be a loner, some people prefer to not have kids. You need to find yourself, and the best way to do that is to take all the questions you have and ask YourselF. Over and over, everyday. Ask yourself if this man makes you happy every single day? Do you honestly think your capable of leave him?

 

You can get these answers without anyones help.

 

 

 

I am in a happy relationship now but do need the advice of anybody willing ot help: In the past I had mostly not very good experiences with men and I was hurt quite often. I did not feel that I could trust anybody anymore and I certainly wanted no more relationships - just be left alone. But over a year ago a guy I already knew for some time told me that he had feelings for me and wanted to go out. I never promised him anything but I agreed to just spend a little time with him once in a while. I never wanted it but I couldn't help falling in love with him more deeply then I ever had before in my life. I just could not let him leave my life so we got together and I was and still am absolutely happy with him. He loves me deeply and just the way I am with all my faults and I do trust him comepletly. I never could hurt him and he means the world to me. But more and more I have the feeling that I might not be able to go through with it. I am so afraid that one day I will hurt him. I feel I was born a loner and that I was just not made to life in a relationship for the rest of my life. I do feel that I don't love him the way he deserves to be loved, that I don't love him enough. I am so afreaid that one day I wont be able to control it anymore and will betray him - not because I want to but because I might not help it. Half a year ago he asked if we should get engaged and I was so happy - I still am, I couldn't say no. But I do feel that I am unfair to him and that if I would do the right thing I would break up with him so that he can have the partner he deserves. I once talked about it with him but he was so hurt and lost - I could not do it again. I do not know what to do - do I need professional help - or is there anybody out there that has the same feelings?

[witchbreed]

I think you have an issue with loosing, might be only from the past bad experiences with men, might have started in childhood.

 

I think Midoris advice is sound. Tell him about your self-doubts and do go for counseling. You have a right to happiness, everybody does. Nature wants us happy, happy people dont destroy nature, other people or start wars.

 

I know your kind of self doubts, since I couldnt really love myself, I couldnt really believe in deserving love or was really able to love someone else. Actually I held everybody allways at arms length, if I dont really feel for them, they cant really hurt me. I learned it eventually, but I did put my bf through some hurts because of it. Made him feel not to be good enough for me, but actually it was me not feeling to be good enough for him. Through lots of talking and just by the way he made me feel, I was finally able to truly believe in my and his love.

 

Wish you strength and start believing in yourself and your own worth.