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! Hes driving me crazy.


strawberry11

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Hi everyone. Im new to the forums, and while this may be a long post, I really need your advice. This situation is causing a lot of stress in my life. Please help :)

 

Ok, so about a year ago I developed a friendship with a man ten years older than me. We work together and instantly, I was attracted to him. After being friends a few months, one night when I was drunk I told him I had feelings for him. Turns out he wasnt interested, so while I was sad, I got over it and obviously we're still friends.

The thing is, since that one incident there have been two other occasions when we've had the dreaded "talk" about how we're just friends. We find it necessary to address this continually because, to be honest, we act like a couple. I thought if he didnt like me back, he would back off a bit, but hes becoming more and more lovey dovey as time passes. Its odd.

He always tells me Im his best friend in the whole world and he wouldnt know what he would do with himself if I ever stopped talking to him. Its kind of a heavy relationship when I think about it. Ive never had a best friend thats a guy, so maybe you all could clarify it this is normal platonic friend behavior.

- he always ALWAYS tells me he loves me. (at least once maybe four times a day). sometimes when I say I love you too, he responds with "I love you more".

- Hes always touching me when we're together. People in public must think we're a couple. We always hold hands or have our arms around each other when we're walking down the street. Hes always putting his face in my neck, or smelling/playing with my hair, giving me hugs and lots of kisses on the cheek and neck. and hes OBSESSED with smacking my butt and tickling me.

- We went on a trip to visit his parents a month ago up east and I totally got the vibe that they assumed we were a couple. He did odd things like at dinner with his family he would rub my back or lean over and whisper to me or give me hugs at the table. Also, while on our trip, we slept in the same bed every night (for 10 days). And it wasnt my side your side sleeping. We were full on cuddling, and holding hands when we fell asleep. Sometimes he would wake up and tell me he loved me half asleep.

- Whenever he has too much to drink he makes odd comments or does strange things. The last time we drank together he kept kissing me on the mouth (not full on kiss) but still....kept kissing me. Also, one night on our trip we were out with one of his friends from home. He assumed we were a couple as well because he asked if our astrology signs matched and my friend responded, "I dont know...we're not f***cking!" I remember feeling so embarassed. he apologized all night and couldnt stop telling me he has never cared about anyone as much as hes cared about me. Then after that incident he wanted to know all about my past boyfriends. It was weird.

-He goes out of his way all the time to do nice things for me. Bought me a swimsuit I had been trying to find for months...he found it and suprised me :) Buys me snacks that I'll mention in passing that I like maybe once...he'll keep them for me in his apt :) Ive never even had a boyfriend that thoughtful!

 

The thing is, he hasnt been in a relationship in seven years. I find that odd but hes an artist and claims he doesnt need to be with anyone. Im just feeling very frusterated because since weve been home from our trip (sorry to be blunt) I just want to be open with him and figure out whats going on....not to mention that the sexual tension is driving me crazy....I want to have sex with him so bad....and I cant tell if he feels the same. He sleeps over at my apt sometimes and we cuddle and act cutsy....but we've never done more than that......

and right when I begin to think he likes me, he burps in front of me and stuff which kind of irritates me. He says he loves that he can be himself with me but thats just a sign of being in the friend zone in my opinion. This may sound a bit weird too, but we also joke with each other a lot and sometimes he hurts me physically. He'll grab me really hard and say things like "you're so damn cute!" its weird...and although its funny....it pisses me off sometimes because I just want him to take me seriously. He has said that the only thing that makes him happy is making me happy...but obviously im not right now :(

 

PLEASE HELP. What do you think I should do? Are we just friends? I'll appreciate any feedback :) Thanks.

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Any chance this guy is gay? Sounds like the typical gay guy/best friend girl relationship. I could be completely wrong by saying this so only take what I'm saying with a grain of salt, but it's possible.

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Leikela has a good point, I think.

 

You also need to set boundaries. No holding hands, no cuddling, as hard as it is.

When you feel patronized or when he accidentally hurts you, immediately tell him off and make clear you mean it.

I'd write down what I expect from a friendship and ask him to stop all the things that don't go on my list.

 

Or... last resort.... if the sexual tension is palpable again you can say "either you come to bed with me now or you leave"

Unfortunately, if Leikela is right, he'll probably leave.

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I think Leikela might be right but you never know.

 

When you're cuddling, it's not difficult to figure out if he's interested or not. Men can't help showing their interest...

 

If he is displaying interest, what stops you from going all the way? Is it that you're waiting for him to initiate going further? If so, he might be waiting for you to initiate.

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Well, Im not initiating anything because I thought I had made it clear that I was interested in him awhile ago...and I dont want to be embarassed. Sometimes when Im touching him when we're lying in bed....I can feel his heartbeat everywhere....he gets kind of tense. I always find myself looking away from him sometimes too....he'll make eye contact with me and its sometimes a bit awkward...so I look away because I think he doesnt like me...

 

also...he has major depression and sometimes, without my knowledge, I do things that upset him. I went on a date with some random guy about four months ago, and he was so upset. He didnt talk to me for days but then apologized. Hes told me had nightmares about me getting married and not talking to him anymore.

Also, one night on our trip we were talking about how we'ed be best friends forever and he said..."well....things change. You might get married. You're the one in this relationship I have to worry about.."

I just dont get it. and no....hes not gay. Im sure of it.

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If you really want him, don't wait for him. The next time he kisses you, deepen the kiss and see what happens.

 

If he makes eye contact, don't look away. Let him see your interest.

 

You maybe giving him conflicting signs so he's kind of trapped in the never-never land of the uncertain.

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He might or he might just be doing the ego-stroking thing. More importantly, if he's not interested, it's up to you if you want to risk changing his perception of you, from friend to lover.

 

No one likes rejection but if you never open up, you will never connect. Life's too short not to take the chance, don't you think?

 

I think he's given you enough signs but then, people sometimes make me raise my eyebrows in disbelief...

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Fact is, you can't wait forever. He's acting like you are his but you aren't allowed to live a relationship. Imagine you meet someone else you like and then he throws a fit. Do you want to keep going on like this forever? Not being able to date, always wondering when you might say or do something wrong again?.

Time to lay the cards on the table, even if that might mean rejection. But when you do it make clear that by rejecting you he's out of the game for good.

And then, please do cut off on the cuddling, kissing and sleeping in the same bed or you never get over this.

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Biology is trying hard to get you two all the way. Maybe he's a wierdo, just give him an ultamatim about friends. If he is your friend fine, but tell him about the sexual tension stuff and you want to jock his nuts like crazy. Tell him you want to get serious, if he doesn't want to, tell him you don't know what else to do. Ask him what you should with yourself if he is a moron and won't hook up with you. It might be the age. He's a fool. I don't think I'll ever be in another relationship. I am jealous. He's a damn yankee for not being with you.

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Definitely listen to the other advice. It's time to lay all your cards on the table with him. Either he's for a relationship or against it but the conflicting actions need to stop. You don't want to pass up a great relationship with someone else by wasting your time with this guy. Best of luck to you!

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Thanks everyone for your support and advice. I appreciate it really :) I want to confront him but I feel as though I already have...and he wasnt into me...so wouldnt I come off as weird by bringing it up again?

We established the last time we talked about it that while he just wanted to remain friends, he admitted there being something "weird" between us whatever that means.

I just know I would be so hurt if he wasnt into it.....if he liked me wouldnt he just bring it up knowing my past interest?

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You would not come across as weird by bringing it up again. It's all in how you approach him. Point out to him all of the same things you pointed out to us. Friends don't sleep in the same bed, hold hands and cuddle with one another. I've NEVER done that with any of my guy friends nor would I think of doing that with any of them.

 

Point this out to him and try to make him see how your interactions with one another could be misconstrued. Tell him how you feel and let him know that you need to move on if he is truly not interested. Waiting for him to take action will do you no good, because apparantly he's not planning to.

 

You really need to step up to the plate here. Get the answers you need so you can move on. Rejection happens to all of us. We need it in order to finally find the one right for us. I don't think he's it hun, sorry.

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