long time relationship going down before even reaching the alter

[Anonymous]

I’m 26F and my partner is 30M I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and engaged for 1. This past year has been strange. For so many years I was hounding him for a wedding ring, wanted nothing more than to get married to him, and begin the rest of our lives together. After I got the ring, I don’t know why but this year has not been the exciting ‘I just got engaged year.’ I’ve found myself for one, really hating my job and spending most of the time of sick leave whilst I find something I enjoy. Me and my partner have had ups and downs over the years, his main downs were when he’d go out sometimes he’d overdo it and start verbally abusing me really badly at home and on an occasion in front of everyone at a festival. My main downfall is maybe after year 3, I stopped initiating sex, and stopped being so into it altogether. I don’t know I feel like after the moments he had drunk and shouting at me, my connection with him dimmed, however I loved him, he worked on his drinking and he’s doing so much better and we’ve moved forward… except sex is still not something I want at all. In fact I just wait and want it to be over. I feel like there’s no attraction, no connection. I spend 99.9% off my time, annoyed he hasn’t been proactive in doing things like helping me do laundry, cooking, cleaning. I’ll get up in the morning after he’s been up for hours, the dishes will all still be left in the sink and he’ll look straight at me and go ‘what’s for breakfast’ He doesn’t have his licence which we agreed would be the next priority for us, and he’s made 0 effort and I know once I get mine his need to get one will go out the window and I’ll be the one driving us everywhere. I think also the reality that I can’t afford the wedding I always imagined having growing up has definitely dimmed my light, because he’s older than me I know he wants kids soon and to buy a house, which also having a wedding, nothing major at all just a standard one with close friends, is not financially realistic. I feel so guilty for having this feeling of the relationship is not for me, because he is a kind guy and there are moments I’ll look at him and think I don’t want anyone else in the world, and my thoughts of breaking off are crazy but more often I think this cannot be all there is to life. I’m going to have kids and spend my life looking after him and them. All I want to do is find my passion, travel and a partner that wants to grow. There’s other things too like, I’ll want to go for a walk together to get out the home, he hates walks. I’ll want to go to the gym with him alternatively, he spends time at the gym with his friends IF he goes and won’t spend time showing me how to do anything. He calls me moody everyday and yes I am. I am moody because this is not the life I want to live but I can’t help the feeling that I’m the bad guy. I should’ve said something sooner and not wasted his time. My sister has said ‘this happens in relationships all the time, they fizzle out, it will happen with someone else, you have to just work at it and try something new.’ I used to be so happy to do things for him and not expect anything in return but now, it’s draining and I don’t feel like settling for what I’m unhappy for.  I also quite selfishly, feel like if I broke up with him, I could move back home with my parents, spend a couple years saving to buy a house, saving to have the wedding I want when it comes, travel and focus back on my education, but I fear cutting ties with him and regretting it completely in a few years when I am ready for the commitment but the partner isn’t there… pls send help. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship ran its course a while ago, and neither of you has really accepted it yet .- but you're getting there. This is very clearly not the man for you. I get that you want to be married but you already know this isn't the one. 

9 hours ago, Anonymous said:

My sister has said ‘this happens in relationships all the time, they fizzle out, it will happen with someone else, you have to just work at it and try something new.’ I

Not exactly true, sis. Sure, the sparks simmer down and things can get stale sometimes. But this isn't just the doldrums. This is active resentment and deep unhappiness. That isn't normal. 

10 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I fear cutting ties with him and regretting it completely in a few years when I am ready for the commitment but the partner isn’t there

I think you will find a much better partner. You two are not suited and I think you will realize that and not even want to return to him once you've had time and space away from him. 

[ShyViolet]

So you've been with this guy since you were 21, and now the relationship has run its course and you know this isn't the man you want to spend your life with.  You owe it to yourself to see what else is out there.  When a relationship is going down the drain like this, the last thing you should do is get married.  This will all just get worse.